Category: superhero

Avengers: Endgame REVIEW

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It’s finally here!

Yay!

…I guess!

I gotta say, it was a bit of a challenge carving out a three-and-a-half-hour block from my dad’s and my schedules to go see this finally, but we did!

And…I mean it’s definitely a movie!

Endgame is the culmination of a whole lotta Marvel cinematic universe films, all leading up to this huge and ridiculously long finale. The pressure was certainly on for the Russo brothers, directing this super monstrosity of a movie.

Did it live up to the massive hype surrounding it?

…

I mean let’s save my opinion for later.

NOTE: I will try to keep the following two sections as spoiler-free as possible, as always, but if you really want to see this film, it’s probably best to go in completely blind. Unless you’re like me, and you actually prefer having spoilers sometimes so you know what you have to put up with. I didn’t get that for Endgame, and…well…

NOTE 2: After completing this post and going back to re-read it, I have decided that I think you should have this movie spoiled for you. There’s nothing groundbreaking about it, and the whole spoiler campaign was just so you would throw more money at the production companies. Don’t do that.

NOTE 3: Also also, the first half of this review is mostly incoherent rambling and angry ranting because…well, you’ll see. The second half is a lot more poetic. This movie brought out a lot of different sides of me. Oh well.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. Spoiler warning. But also like…it’s whatever.

THE PLOT

The film actually starts back before the big ol’ snap that ruined everything, with Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) having a peaceful, fun BBQ with his family–so you know everything’s about to go wrong. And it does! His entire family disappears because of the snap. So. Yeah.

Then we cut to: the rest of the team! Following the rather catastrophic events of Avengers: Infinity War, the team is a bit of a mess. Luckily, they’re able to locate Thanos (Josh Brolin) by reading some kind of unique energy signature that the infinity stones give off. They trace him to some other planet where he’s set up some kind of peaceful farm life for himself, but the Avengers ain’t havin it.

Determined to reunite the stones to bring back everyone they lost, they drill Thanos about the location of the stones. Thanos, rather frustratingly, admits that he actually used the stones…to destroy the stones. Their work was done, he says, so he nearly destroys himself in the process destroying the stones.

Fed up, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) slices his head off. Ha. Get it. Because if only he’d done that last movie, everything would have been fine. Ha. HAHA.

We then cut to 5 years later, and everything is…it’s still a mess. The team has all but separated. Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) remains at the Avengers base, overseeing operations of…some kind from afar, determined to keep making a difference. I guess now she suddenly has some plot line about feeling useless and needing to be a hero, and literally the only reason this is suddenly introduced is for the ridiculous “payoff” later on.

BUT I DIGRESS, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Anyway, Captain America/Steve Rogers/Cap (Chris Evans) shows up and is all “I love pretending everything is fine, don’t you?” Basically everyone’s just really depressed.

At some point we cut to some kind of…impound lot? Storage lot? I dunno. Anyway, it’s the Ant-Man van! A rat is moving about the dashboard, accidentally activates the quantum realm portal, and suddenly iiiiiiiit’s Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd)!

Lang, having been in the quantum realm since the end of his second movie (Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and Dr. Pym (Michael Douglas) were supposed to bring him back, but they, too, disappeared in the snap), is a little disoriented. For Lang, it hasn’t been 5 years, only about 5 hours or so. He races around, trying to figure out what’s happening, and stumbles across a…very detailed memorial for all those lost in the snap (I mean, they go out of their way to show what a post-apocalyptic setting we’re in since we lost half of all life, but somehow we were able to build such a detailed, nice-looking memorial? Did they just need some way for Lang to see his name and freak out? Yeah. Yeah that’s it). Confused because he finds his own name there, Lang heads to Avengers HQ.

Lang is hyped because he thinks there has to be some way to go back in time and fix everything. After all, time works differently in the quantum realm, so there must be some way for it to work! But they need a real man of science on this: they need…Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.).

Aforementioned Stark is living out his days in a very peaceful cabin in the woods with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) and their daughter, Morgan (Lexi Rabe). Having been brought back from space and the literal edge of death five years prior by Captain Marvel (Brie Larson–by the way, don’t get used to her. She does almost nothing in the movie, despite being advertised as a major player), Stark isn’t really keen on abandoning this family he finally has to go chasing down bad guys on a hunch that may not even work.

The team is distressed, but they ultimately leave Stark alone to find the other science man on the team: the Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Banner has…somehow…managed to figure out how to be both Hulk and himself at…the same time? Anyway. Banner’s down to help, but he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing, and he says as much. The team doesn’t care–they want their friends back.

Stark, meanwhile, has been unable to stop thinking about this whole time travel thing. He uses Friday (Kerry Condon) to run different…tests…of some sort. I dunno, it’s time travel, so it’s not explained in a way that us normal folk can understand. He somehow figures it out though, I guess, and he tells Pepper that if she doesn’t want him to go, he won’t. Pepper, knowing him really well, tells him to go.

Stark shows up just in time, as Banner turned Lang into a baby, an old man, a kid, and finally himself again. They hunt down some other team members, including Hawkeye who is an assassin suddenly? And Thor who um…wears a fat suit the entire film. Yyyyep.

Anyway, they figure out that there are basically four different timelines they need to go to in order to steal the Infinity Stones before Thanos is able to gather them. There’s some kind of half-assed explanation given as to why they can’t just go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby, which I’ll get into later. Basically, they decide that the only thing they can do is get the Infinity Stones first, snap to bring everyone back, and then destroy the stones.

Of course, nothing goes according to plan, and three hours of ~hilarity~ ensues.

THE REVIEW

I wanted to like it. I really did.

I think part of the problem is that it was so hyped up. I mean even after it was finally out and people were screaming to “not spoil the endgame,” positive reviews and incredible box office returns were flooding the Internet. How could you not be excited even as a casual Marvel fan??

The problem with hype is that it inevitably leads to disappointment. With so many fans, there’s just no way to please them all, and I get that. It just sucks being in the demographic that dislikes it– these characters you’ve come to love are handled in a way that’s just disappointing to you. But everyone else seems to like it, so maybe it’s just you…

Anyway. I wanted to like it. I really didn’t.

And the thing is…I kind of liked the first 2/3 of it? I love time travel plots, and it was so fun seeing the callbacks to previous films and characters (especially ones I actually liked). I loved seeing how the characters dealt with the events of Infinity War. I mean, they lost, and they’ve never really lost before? And they all handled it so differently.

But I realized as the movie went on and more and more plot twists occurred…I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. Things were happening left and right that were never explained, tons of pointless things happened, characters were poorly handled, and the movie broke its own established time travel rules?? I just…why?????

The other disappointing thing has been the creators’ responses to the questions. Instead of saying things like “I see how it could be interpreted this way, and while that wasn’t our intention, we’re sorry for the hurt that may have caused” they say things like “no no no, you’re wrong, this is what it means and we’re right and you’re wrong because we made it and you didn’t, now shut up and go buy another movie ticket.”

(Okay slight paraphrasing, but you get the idea)

I just left the theater feeling really disappointed and honestly really angry. I just felt like Infinity War was handled relatively well, and don’t even get me started on how great Civil War was…but this just…eh.

Again, I liked parts of it!

But the rest of it really killed the movie for me.

So here’s the deal: because this damn movie is three hours long, it doesn’t really make sense to split up the categories like I usually do because there’s just too much information. That, and these are characters who’ve been in plenty of other films prior to this, so…well, we’ll get there. What I’ll do is simply talk about sections I liked (there aren’t a lot) and sections that disappointed me (there are many). So without further ado…major, major spoiler warning now in effect.

(But really like…it’s genuinely not that big of a deal. Seriously. Spoil yourself. This movie doesn’t deserve all the secrecy it had surrounding it to force you to buy a movie ticket)

THE TIME TRAVEL

So let’s start with probably the biggest elephant in the room: the time travel.

Because we needed to have some all-out epic battle at the end involving Thanos, we couldn’t have the Avengers simply go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby. You can’t do that because superhero fans don’t pay to see plots that make sense, they pay to see epic battles!!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!!

*ahem* anyway, because of that, the time travel plot line is basically explained as such: everything you think you know about time travel because of incredible movies like Back to the Future is WRONG. Going back in the past to change something doesn’t change anything in your future…because I guess then that past becomes your future, so nothing actually changes because it’s just your future as always? Anyway, the idea is that when you change something in the past, you actually just end up creating an entirely different, separate timeline. So the idea is that even if they want back, killed Thanos as a baby…that would just create a different timeline where baby Thanos died, but when they went back to their own time, the snap will still have occurred and all their friends are still gone. Thanos wasn’t killed as a baby in their timeline, he was killed in a different one.

So they decide instead, they need to go back in time and steal the infinity stones before Thanos can get them and snap to bring all their peeps back. Now, of course, they don’t consider the possibility that Thanos from the past they go to will figure out what they’re doing and confront them and just take the Infinity Stones that THEY’VE GATHERED FOR HIM, LIKE IDIOTS. Nah. They don’t even consider that.

So of course that’s exactly what happens.

There are…there are a lot of frustrating things about this that I can talk about, so let’s make a list:

1. It is so, so frustrating to me that they never even consider the possibility that a past version of Thanos will confront them. Like…I mean I get that they have a lot on their minds but really???

2. The movie really yada-yadas over the whole “Pym Particles” thing. Basically, they need these particles to travel around in time as well as whatever code Stark cracked. Of course, they only have just enough of these particles for one round trip through time for each of the heroes. Like…I get that they can’t get more because Dr. Pym was snapped, but…they can’t just go back in time and get more from a different version of Pym? I mean they do that later in the film only after everything has gone wrong, but they couldn’t like…do that? The movie only says that the Infinity Stones are what need to be returned to their respective timelines, not any other objects, so like…just go get a lot of Pym Particles in case something goes wrong…? Whatever.

3. Nebula (Karen Gillan) was one of my favorite characters in Infinity War and Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, and she was a complete idiot in this movie. I mean…not only did she know that a past version of Thanos was also looking for the stones in one of the timelines they had to travel to, but she also knew the sacrifice required to get the soul stone and SHE DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ANY OF THEM??? I mean jeez Nebula, that is all information that WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL YESTERDAY. If she had just happened to mention “okay by the way, my dad will also be looking for the stones when we go back to 2014, so just we should keep that in mind. Oh also, past me will also be looking, and since I’m a robot and he can read my memories, I should probably stay behind because past me and current me may be connected and Thanos may be able to figure stuff out from current me’s memories. Oh also also, the soul stone requires you to sacrifice something you love, so maybe we should come up with a game plan for that before we go galavanting off in time. Just maybe.”

4. Cap…*sigh*. This is where the movie unhelpfully breaks its own time travel rules. Cap is sent back (alone for some reason?) to return all the stones to their correct timelines so that …something doesn’t happen. I dunno. So the idea is that he disappears from the platform, and though it’ll be longer for him, he’s supposed to reappear on the platform in the current timeline in 5 seconds. Which…he doesn’t. Instead, Bucky (Sebastian Stan) notices someone sitting on a bench down by the water. Sam (Anthony Mackie) goes to investigate only to discover it’s Cap!! But…old! Apparently Cap went back and then just decided to find Peggy (Hayley Atwell) again and live out his days with her, and then he shows up here and hands off his shield to Sam. It’s a sweet scene but…hang on. If Cap went back to be with Peggy, therefore changing the past, he should be in a completely different timeline now, right? He wouldn’t be able to show up on that bench in the current timeline because he’s not a part of it anymore…right? Please? Somebody? It makes no sense!

I just…my head hurts.

But since the movie doesn’t really bother to explain time travel and then breaks its own time travel rules, I guess we don’t need to worry about it, either. Whatever. Nothing matters.

THE SOUL STONE

Just thinking about this genuinely exhausts me.

Okay…so we got introduced to the soul stone in Infinity War. The idea is that the soul stone demands a soul, a soul for a soul, so on and so forth, sacrifice, huzzah. To prove you’re “worthy” or whatever, you have to sacrifice something you love in order to obtain the stone (sidenote: the wording is always something you love, not someone…so like, could you sacrifice an object and no one would have to die? Your favorite food? Your laptop? I know it’s all “a soul for a soul” but in that case the wording should really be more clear and they should say someone you love. Anyway. I’m getting nit picky now. Moving on).

In Infinity War, the stone is used as a plot point to both kill Gamora (Zoe Saldana) and try to give some humanity to Thanos, I guess, but it fails spectacularly. We’ve already watched Thanos kill all of Gamora’s own people, kidnap her, and abuse her and her sister, and now we have to feel sorry for him because he ultimately murdered her?

No. Sorry.

Anyway, so the frustrating thing here is that Natasha and Clint don’t know this. Because again, NEBULA DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL THEM.

So they head to retrieve the stone with absolutely no idea what it will cost. But the really sucky part is that we as the audience know. So we know before they even meet Red Skull (Ross Marquand) that one of them isn’t getting out of there alive and that just…really sucks. The build-up in Infinity War worked much better because we didn’t know what was coming–unless you read the comics I guess but anyway.

Once they do figure it out, both Natasha and Clint are so full of Hero Complex (TM) that they fight each other in order to sacrifice themselves. Ultimately, they’re both hanging off the edge, and Natasha kicks herself off, forcing Clint to let go of her…and she dies. Clint gets the stone. Yay, I guess.

There are a couple really stupid things about this.

1. Why is it that both characters we’ve seen be sacrificed to the soul stone are women? Why? Is it because women are the more disposable characters? Because they’re not as developed as the men? Because they don’t bring in the big bucks? IS IT BECAUSE OF SEXISM?? Both characters who died here were strong, powerful, no-nonsense women who still had a lot to offer, and instead, they die. Gamora’s death is genuinely sad because she’s straight-up murdered, but Natasha…

2. I am damn sick of heroic sacrifices. It’s just glorified suicide, fam. The whole entire reason Natasha was suddenly feeling useless on the team is that so her death here could be “justified.” See? She’s not useless after all! She can kill herself so that the team can get the magical stone! And it’s okay because she doesn’t have a family like Clint does, so ultimately, it’s just heroic all the way around! Do you know what that tells little girls who admire the Black Widow character? That ultimately, the only thing you can do to be useful is sacrifice yourself? Especially if you’re not living the Ultimate American Dream by having a perfect family and kids?? Have we forgotten everything she did in the past movies??? Yeah. We have.

3. As I mentioned earlier, it’s established that Clint has a family and Natasha doesn’t. When asked if there’s any family she has that they can contact, Banner says that they were her family. They don’t get to be with her anymore, but Clint gets to be with his wife and kids again, so everything’s fine. So…what, found family doesn’t matter as much as blood? That’s nice. This is also coming after the reveal that Natasha was operated on so she can never have kids, and she calls herself a monster because of this. Ummmmm…I have several questions…

4. So…again, in Infinity War, Thanos straight up pushes Gamora off the cliff, thereby actually sacrificing her…so it makes sense when he gets the stone. But Clint doesn’t do that…? Clint doesn’t want to let go of Natasha–she’s the one who kicks off the cliff and forces him to let go of her! She literally kills herself!! Clint didn’t sacrifice shit!!! How does he get the stone after this?? It makes ZERO. SENSE.

I just…this was stupid. It just was. Also–it’s implied that even with ~time travel magic~, they can never get Natasha back because the stone says so I guess? Of course. What even are the rules?? ARE THERE ANY???

No.

THE CHARACTERS’ TREATMENT

So here’s the thing: some of the characterization work was wonderful.

I think it’s why the time hopping segment was my favorite–it was finally, finally like I was watching an Avengers movie. Look at Steve and Tony bantering like always! Look at Banner trying to awkwardly science his way out of non-science situations! Look at Clint and Natasha being friends again! Look at Lang being just an incredibly awkward dork! Look at the teamwork! Ahhhhhh!!

But it’s like everything fell apart in the third act. Like I’m glad that Clint spent the rest of the film absolutely haunted over Natasha’s death even though he was reunited with his family, but you’re honestly going to tell me he didn’t make damn well sure they had a funeral for her like they had for Tony? I guess you could say it’s because he still hadn’t come to terms with her death but like…he did though? He understands she can’t come back (even though I don’t) and he talks about how he wished she knew they had won. He gets it. He also knows Natasha better than anyone else, he knows how much the Avengers meant to her. Why wouldn’t he make sure they have a funeral for her, too?

Don’t even get me started on Captain Marvel. They built up her being in the film and the she’s barely onscreen?? I know it’s because “oh it’s supposed to be the send-off film for the original heroes, she’s not one of them so” like that’s fine but then ADVERTISE IT THAT WAY. This film was not advertised as a “send-off for the original heroes” it was advertised as the “ultimate superhero event” which implies that ALL THE HEROES PARTICIPATE. “But she does participate! She destroys Thanos’s ship and fights him one-on-one!” Yeah, she does! And that all makes sense for her character! What doesn’t make sense is Thanos randomly knocking her out? She’s supposed to be the “most powerful character in the MCU” and she just…got knocked out by one stone? The only reason, THE ONLY REASON, she does not play a bigger role in dispatching Thanos is because the narrative says it has to be one of the original heroes since it’s their send-off. Does it make sense at all when looking at the characters, the narrative up to this point, and the rules set down by the movie itself? No.

And Cap?? CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS AMERICA, CAPTAIN “TILL THE END OF THE LINE,” CAPTAIN “HAVE TO FOCUS ON SAVING THE FUTURE,” CAPTAIN PULLED A LITERAL HELICOPTER OUT OF THE AIR IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD…then just straight-up abandons that friend. Look–I think Steve’s arc with Peggy is wonderfully tragic. I love the idea of time travel opening up a chance for him to be with her, I do. But having him stay there and live out his life? It completely invalidates all his character development involving her up to this point. Her funeral? Pointless. All his personal work on remembering her forever but healthily moving on? Forgotten. He claims he’d do anything for Bucky, his best friend, and he just leaves him behind to go live an entire life without him. He does that to not one good friend, but two! Neither Sam or Bucky deserves that, and that is so, so out of character for Cap. I can believe he’d go back to dance with Peggy-maybe–but he would not stay with her. He would not abandon his friends, his family like that. He did so much to find them again and then he just…abandons them. And Bucky and Steve don’t even talk when Cap is all old or whatever?? Ridiculous.

An interesting point made by YMS on YouTube is that Thanos is especially frustrating in this film because he has no relationship with our heroes. The obnoxious guy from Infinity War who, while still not sympathetic despite filmmakers’ efforts, had a personal seething hatred for each of the Avengers for a specific reason? He was killed within the first…what, 20-30 minutes of the movie? Probably less. It all blurs together when the movie is three hours long. The Thanos they fight at the end of the movie is from the past, and while they know him, he doesn’t know them at all. He knows of them, he knows what they’ve done because of Nebula’s memories, but he doesn’t know them. The battle is kind of half-hearted because he isn’t a personal villain anymore–he’s just annoyed at everyone trying to stop him and that makes him extra annoying. I mean damn, I know he’s not supposed to be likable, but at least make him a good villain for the heroes.

And Tony…Tony getting to make some sort of peace with his dad during the time travel segment was wonderful. Every time we see him be a little more emotional rather than snarky, it’s nice. Like he’s super snarky and sarcastic, but he’s also incredibly soft and loving (fun fact: apparently there’s a clip of Tony kissing Peter on the head when they finally reunite and the Russo brothers cut it because heaven forbid our male heroes have feelings I guess MASCULINITY YEAH and Robert Downey Jr. is mad they cut it. GOOD). It’s one reason why his ultimate sacrifice or whatever is so stupid.

Do you know how many times Tony Stark should have died by now? His whole arc was about finding something to live for. His first sacrifice attempt in the first Avengers makes sense with his arc because he wasn’t quite there yet…this team, these friends, Pepper, adopted son Peter Parker, biological daughter Morgan Stark, he learns that they are all what make life worth living. “Oh but he didn’t have a choice, Dr. Strange told him that there was only one outcome where they win, and it was the one where he dies!”

Nuh-uh.

THE ENDING

The ending of this movie genuinely exhausts me and I hate having to revisit it. As problematic as he sometimes was, as over-the-top ridiculous and selfish, Tony Stark was a great, great character. He was probably my favorite. So yes, some of my anger over the ending purely comes from watching my favorite character die. I mean, it’s never fun, but at least sometimes it’s “justified” at least.

This was not. At all.

Like I mentioned before, Tony Stark has had several very close brushes with death. Most of the Avengers have, really, but Tony’s relationship with it has always been stronger than the others. He should have died in that raid in the beginning of Iron Man. But he didn’t. He should have died when Obadiah ripped out his arc reactor and left him. But he didn’t. He should have died on accident testing out his different suits, honestly. He should have died in Avengers when he flew that missile through the portal. He should have…he should have…he should have…

But he didn’t. Unlike the other Avengers (except for perhaps Black Widow (also maybe Bruce Banner?) but we’ll never know now will we), his story starts with death and it looms over him his entire arc. What is his worst fear when Wanda invades his mind in Age of Ultron? That his team dies. His family. And he’s left alone. Why does he engage in this feud with Cap and Bucky? Because Bucky (albeit brainwashed) was responsible for Tony’s parents’ death, leaving him alone. And Cap knew. What haunts him most after Infinity War? That he watched Peter Parker die in front of him while he could do absolutely nothing about it. He couldn’t stop Peter from dying alone. He couldn’t stop Peter from leaving him alone when he died.

There’s a consistent pattern in Tony’s character arc that was completely thrown out the window with the ending of Endgame. Tony is found at the beginning of the movie, brought back from the brink of death yet again, and he has a chance to start a family. It’s pretty insulting that Clint’s family is built up as this big character point for him, the reason he does everything, the reason Natasha sacrifices herself, and he gets to reunite with them like everything’s fine…while Pepper has to explain to their young daughter that Tony is never coming back. Clint’s family reunion feels hollow in comparison, like it’s wrong to enjoy it. And I’m sure Clint felt the same way–he’s so guilty over Natasha’s death that you can’t honestly tell me he wouldn’t understand how lucky he is to be with his family but how awful it is that Tony can’t be with his–but they don’t bother showing that in the movie.

There’s nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

I’ve mentioned The Magicians before, but I’ll bring it back now in more detail because it unfortunately fits this same situation and trope. Spoilers if you haven’t seen the season 4 finale of Syfy’s The Magicians.

The main character in The Magicians is Quentin. Quentin is, canonically, suicidal and depressed. We meet him in a mental institution where he checked himself in. His depression and his suicidal tendencies are brought up throughout the run of the show. The show runners were praised for featuring a main character who suffers from such things. In the final “battle” of season 4, Quentin uses magic in the “mirror world” knowing full-well that it may cost him his life, but it will save his friends. He dies. He is shown how his friends are remembering him, he is told how much he changed their lives, he is told how loved he was. And then that’s it.

No matter how the show runners tried to phrase it in interviews, there’s no getting around the fact that Quentin ultimately committed suicide. In the afterlife, he flat-out says “did I save my friends…or did I finally find a way to kill myself?”

The idea of the heroic sacrifice trope is nice, I’ll admit, since it seems like such a logical peak for a heroic arc; but it’s so overused by this point that we all expect it. How many movies do we assume the character is dead after they make some sort of sacrifice? Usually they’re not actually dead, but lately, creators seem to think that that’s not “shocking” enough, and what audiences really want is to watch their favorite heroes actually die. At least it’s heroic!! And it’s subversive!! No one ever does that!! I know they have friends and family and a great character arc that involves not wanting to die but that was all for shock value!!!!

There is nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

“But it’s realism! People die in real life all the time! Not everyone can survive, I mean come on!”

Okay first of all: you really wanna talk to me about realism in your stories about magic, scientists who become big green monsters when they get angry, people who get superpowers from spider-bites, and gods of thunder and mischief? Really?

Secondly–there’s a great G.K. Chesterton quote that Neil Gaiman paraphrases in Coraline that reads: “fairy tales are more than true–not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.”

I don’t need my very unrealistic media to tell me that sometimes people die. I’m well aware of that fact, believe me. What I want to see is people like me who, against all odds, are able to overcome things like that. In a universe with time travel, super-beings, and TALKING TREES, it’s almost insulting to be told that the ONLY time where the Avengers won and Thanos was beaten is the time where Tony sacrifices himself.

And the only reason they did it that way is because Tony Stark had to have a send-off. But he couldn’t have a happy send-off like Captain America, filled with dances and love and peace, oh no. Tony, who has feared death his whole life, had to die. He leaves behind a wife, a young daughter, and a band of fiercely upset friends. His family. There is no reason why Captain Marvel, the “most powerful hero in the MCU,” couldn’t have wielded the stones instead of Tony. Tony Stark is still a human. Captain Marvel is not–she can fly through space without a helmet and fly through an entire alien ship to destroy it. She could easily have wielded the stones and survived (yeah it almost killed Thanos and Hulk to do it BUT IT DIDN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HUMAN). The only reason she didn’t is because they needed some subversive perma-death and what better way to wrap up this Marvel arc than by killing off the man who started it all?

I genuinely don’t want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home at this point because that means I have to watch precious, deserves-so-much-better-than-this Peter Parker deal with yet another father figure’s death. It was hard enough watching Tony deal with Peter’s death. But they got one hug–and now Peter lost someone else. No wonder he doesn’t want to bring the spider-man suit on the school trip, I wouldn’t wanna be Spider-Man after that either.

…also, can we talk about Tony’s funeral? How absolutely no one is crying? How all the characters just stand there in black looking solemn? TONY’S OWN DAUGHTER ISN’T EVEN CRYING.

There is no reason why Tony Stark couldn’t have quietly retired from being Iron Man to live out his days peacefully with his family. He’d already done it for 5 years. If anyone deserves a soft epilogue, it is Tony Stark.

WRAPPING UP

Look, this movie has three full hours of material for me to be upset about, and clearly, I am.

There are still things I loved. Time travel plot? Fun! Wacky! Needlessly ridiculous!

Thor crowning Valkyrie as the new leader of Asgard? Perfect! She deserves it! Excellent!

All the women heroes (except Black Widow and Gamora since they’re only good for sacrifices) teaming up to get Captain Marvel across the battlefield? Unbelievably wonderful! Give me a movie of just that! Incredible!

Special effects? It’s a very pretty movie! It all looked very super!

But none of that makes up for the mess that is the final product. There are so many plot holes (Natasha killed herself so Clint never made a sacrifice and still got the stone? Cap took Mjolnir back in time with him and then…what? How was Nebula able to just stick her tech fingers in the time travel machine and bring Thanos? Why didn’t Nebula warn anyone about past Thanos or the Soul Stone sacrifice? Why did Cap abandon Bucky and Sam? Why was no one crying at Tony’s funeral? Why did no one use actual teamwork on Thanos like they did in Infinity War because that was the closest they ever got to being able to take the gauntlet off? I could keep going but I digress).

I think that superhero movies can be phenomenal. Look at Black Panther. Look at Avengers. Look at Iron Man. But I genuinely think it’s difficult to write a big superhero mashup movie because…there are too many superheroes. Seriously. It’s hard to write a villain that can genuinely overpower all of those super beings. It’s probably why Captain Marvel was MIA the whole movie. It’s why no actual teamwork was used. It’s why Tony Stark “had to die.” Superheroes, in their own universes, have powers that are explained and make sense (generally). It’s exciting to think of combining those heroes and having them team up to face off against a villain, but there are so many rules and powers that it’s hard to keep track of them all.

Generally, I feel like Endgame had a whole lot of excitement building up to it, and it just fell flat. It’s crushing box office records and that makes sense, it’s not so much a movie as it is an event. It’s not so much a movie as it is a chance to show off the special effects (and they were great!). It’s not so much a movie as it is a money-maker.

But there has to be more to a movie than just the visuals and the audio. You can decorate a cardboard box to look like the most appetizing cake in the world, but at the end of the day, you’re just going to be eating pretty cardboard.

The point of Endgame was not to tell a story. It was not to tie up loose ends. It was not to give satisfying conclusions to the character arcs of the original heroes who are leaving. The point was to make money. The point was to sell tickets. The point was to be a product.

And it worked.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Like I said, I have a couple favorites, but I am such a sucker for the trope of “WE HAVE A CLEAR PLAN IT IS FOOL-PROOF” and then it’s followed by “THIS IS ALL WRONG WE ARE THE FOOLS!!!”

It was the one part of the movie that was just fun and hopeful, even when everything went sideways and hilarity ensued.

“OOF” MOMENT

Too many to name, so instead have a happy Tony Stark. That’s what I’d rather have tbh.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

No.

I mean I know a lot of people like it, but I also know that some have had the same complaints and reactions that I did. And here’s the thing–studios don’t care about that. They don’t care about your opinion, especially if you didn’t like it. You still gave them money, and that’s all that matters to them.

If this doesn’t sound like a movie you’d enjoy, obviously don’t see it. There’s nothing about it that’s noteworthy if you’re not a superhero person (unlike, say, Black Panther).

If you’re a casual Marvel fan and this sounds like a disappointment, do not see it.

Here’s the really shitty thing about the whole “don’t spoil the endgame” campaign: they made sure you went to go see the movie just so you could know what happened. They made you feel small for not seeing it before the “spoiler lift” for the media. They made you feel like a bad fan for not supporting all these actors you love and have supported in the past.

You had to give them the money they wanted just so you could enjoy a story that ultimately fell flat. They didn’t make this movie for you–they made it for the awards, the accolades.

I genuinely regret seeing this movie in theaters. This film, which does not function well as a standalone movie at all, toppled Titanic in box office numbers.

(“But Titanic is dumb because they both could have fit on that board!!” Yeah well this movie is dumb because Tony Stark and Black Widow didn’t have to die. At least Titanic gave the characters some depth and heart.)

I will not be seeing this movie again. I love re-watching Marvel movies because it’s fun and up till now, they’ve been good. They’ve felt like character studies more than anything else, and that’s what drew me in. This movie? This treats its characters–and its audience–as products.

If you liked it, that’s wonderful. If you’re happy with how things played out, that’s great. If you don’t regret spending money on this, I’m jealous, that’s awesome.

As for me, I can’t wait for creators to go back to giving us stories with heart and characters that are treated with respect. You can have great special effects in a film, but your movie cannot stand on special effects alone.

Anyway, all in all, I give Avengers: Endgame…

2/5 CHARACTERS WHO DESERVED BETTER!!

Don’t get me wrong though–all the characters deserved better. These are just the ones I’m most angry about. And Shuri. Did she even have any lines in this movie? Unbelievable. Also Peter Parker. Don’t even bring him up. I’ll just think about how his voice broke when he saw Tony dying and how he had to lose a father-figure all over again and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP DOING THIS TO HIM HE IS A CHILD.

At this rate, the only way I’ll be excited for another Marvel movie is if they truly do a next gen thing with Peter Parker, Morgan Stark, Cassie Lang, and Clint’s daughter whose name I forgot. Sam can be their really tired leader who is Too Old For This.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Mostly repeats, but the two new ones are:

Gemini Man, which looks…interesting? Generally I’m always ready to hop on the Will Smith sci-fi train, I just really wanna know if this movie has an actual plot or not.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker which I’ll be seeing because I have generally enjoyed the new trilogy. Also I want to cry about Carrie Fisher.

And that about does it for this review!

I’m ready to stop thinking about this movie, personally. Every time I think about it I just

It exhausts me.

I wanted to like it, but I just left the theater feeling so hollow…much to the chagrin of the AMC worker asking people what they thought. I don’t think he wanted an actual answer and was just being nice, but I’m socially awkward so how was I supposed to know.

Anyway, if this really does sound like something you would actually like, then sure, go see Endgame. But if you’re able to survive without seeing it, and trust me…you are able to survive without seeing it, I say skip it. Really. Please don’t give them anymore money.

(Sidenote: did you hear about how the Russo brothers claim that one of the MCU characters is secretly gay??? *GASP*

Plot twist: it’s Natasha. Because she’s dead. Can’t have happy representation. #buryyourgaysIguess.)

Captain Marvel REVIEW

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EYYYYY it’s been a hot second, huh?

So about a…couple weeks ago, I took myself and my dad (pretty much the only family member who will see superhero movies with me) to the movies and we saw Captain Marvel, the 21st (22nd? I hear conflicting reports) film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the 1st MCU film to center around a woman hero. So that’s. Good.

I don’t generally follow all the DC vs. Marvel discourse, but I do know at the very least that Marvel has been supremely more successful with their cinematic releases than DC has. That being said-can you believe that DC released a woman-led superhero movie before Marvel? And it was GOOD??

Anyway. I was relatively excited just because I generally like superhero movies, I really like Brie Larson, and I am all for movies with a female lead (I think that was well-established by my Miss Bala review). That being said, I wasn’t like…immensely excited. I mean, I thought it would probably be good, but let’s think about how Marvel has dealt with its female superhero characters…

Yeah.

I am happy to report, however, that I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. So, without further ado, let’s dive into Captain Marvel.

THE PLOT

The movie begins with an actual explosion. Everything is all slow-motion-y and dramatic as our leading lady herself (Brie Larson) looks around, confused. She sees an older woman standing near her (Annette Bening) and someone else approaching with some sort of space gun thing. She then wakes up, and we formally meet her as Vers, a member of the Kree (some sort of alien race, for those of you who are admittedly as uneducated as I am about these details). She then goes to train with her mentor, Yon-Rogg (Jude Law). During the fight, their conversation reveals that Vers desperately wants to be a fully-recognized soldier, but Yon-Rogg says she lets her emotions control her actions too often and therefore, she isn’t ready. He says something about how once she’s able to defeat him without using her sparkle fist powers, then she’ll be ready.

Vers then meets with “Supreme Intelligence,” the leader of the Kree. No one knows what they really look like, they take the form of the person you most admire. For Vers, she sees the woman from her dream, though she doesn’t actually remember who she is. Supreme Intelligence basically says “yeah sure you can be a soldier and go on this mission but remember we gave you your sparkle fists and we can take them away too k have fun byeeee.”

Vers, Yon-Rogg, and the rest of their team are tasked with recovering an operative trapped on another planet. The Kree are in the middle of a war with another alien race, the Skrulls, and they’re fighting because apparently the Skrulls keep taking over planets and massacring everyone they come across. Yon-Rogg emphasizes how dangerous this mission is and like…I dunno they’re all emotionless alien soldiers so they all just nod like “yep.”

Anyway, the group splits up upon arrival and Vers comes across what she thinks is the Kree operative, but oh SNAP it’s actually a Skrull because they’re SHAPESHIFTERS. The other inhabitants the Kree come across turn out to also be Skrulls and it’s a full-out ambush. Vers gets captured. The Skrulls poke around in her head and she has a whole lot of memories and flashbacks that she does not remember at all. It turns out the Skrulls are looking for the woman from her dreams, whose name is Dr. Wendy Lawson. Vers manages to knock out the Skrulls keeping her captive with her sparkle fists and she escapes, crash-landing onto…EARTH.

Because this takes place sometime in the 90’s, she crash-lands into a Blockbuster Video (all together now…*in the aaaaarms of the angels, fly awaaaaaaay* RIP Blockbuster, forever in our hearts). Her crash, her space outfit, and her general demeanor alert a CGI’d-to-be-young Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), who begins chasing her down with, wait for it, AGENT COULSON (Clark Gregg). It takes some time and some deep conversations for Fury and Vers to really bond and trust each other, but soon they decide they’re on the same team and it’s up to them to figure out what’s really going on with the Kree and the Skrulls, and who Vers really is.

THE REVIEW

So like I mentioned above, I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. I genuinely enjoyed it. Again, I tend to like superhero movies anyway, but I would say this is one you can enjoy even if you’re not typically a superhero fan. Like Wonder Woman and Black Panther before it, I think it offers a whole lot more as a film than just the whole “super person wears a funky outfit and fights bad guys with a quirky ensemble” thing.

Was it perfect? Not necessarily. I don’t think it’s a must-see like Black Panther, but it has a lot to offer. Plus, it made a lot of older white guys mad for some reason, so you know it’s probably a good idea to support it somehow.

The characters were all really likable, the plot twists were interesting, and all of the “girl power” moments were incredibly satisfying. All of the gags with Goose the cat were immensely enjoyable, and I do appreciate how the main relationship in Carol’s life was her best friend.

Also-the costume design. I mean, I know it’s crazy, but it is possible to have a woman superhero NOT wear a skin-tight outfit. I just. It’s insane. People have also pointed out that all of the Kree soldiers have the same outfit. Vers and Minn-Erva don’t get special designs that hug their bodies more, are more revealing, or in any way highlight the fact that they are women. It’s all the same because they are ALL Kree soldiers!

Even when Carol swaps her Kree gear for some human clothing, she doesn’t go for a dress, or shorts, or something skin-tight. It’s boots, loose jeans, a grungy t-shirt, and a leather jacket–and she STILL looks amazing and comfortable and she can STILL FIGHT. None of her fight scenes or actions in her human outfit are unbelievable because it does look like she could naturally pull all of it off. I didn’t fully appreciate how much of a breath of fresh air that all was until I re-watched some of the other Marvel films this past week to prep for Endgame and…pretty much all of Black Widow and Scarlet Witch’s costumes make me want to cry. It’s so unnecessarily just CLEAVAGE. ALL THE TIME.

(Now yes, to be fair, Steve has some very tight shirts of his own, which…I mean, it’s all a choice, okay)

But what exactly were the specific details that made the movie so good? What exactly made it just a good time to watch?

Let’s blast our way through the specifics, which means spoiler warning is now in effect!

(My pun game is…not as sharp as it once was when I started all of this)

THE MUSIC

As always, we begin with my favorite element: the music!

Much of the music didn’t really stand out to me in the beginning, admittedly. There was nothing I particularly noticed that stood out, at least at first. I mean, I feel like there’s a whole separate genre of cinematic music now that is just “it’s for a superhero movie; it’s heroic-sounding.”

That being said, the track “More Problems” (composer: Pindar Toprak) is phenomenal–a little over 8 minutes of what sounds like what would happen if a victorious battle cry was orchestrated. I believe it underscores most of the final act of the film (again, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen it) when Carol learns the truth about everything and goes after Jude Law who DEFINITELY deserves it.

The other musical moment I really loved is during one of the final fights when “Just a Girl” plays. It’s such a Captain Marvel song, too; you can tell she’s having fun finally embracing her full identity and taking it out on the people who lied to her for years. Plus, it serves as a really poignant jab at the fact that this is the 21ST (or 22ND) MARVEL FILM AND THE FIRST CENTERED AROUND A WOMAN SUPERHERO. WHY.

THE CHARACTERS

For the most part, I felt all the characters were incredibly well-done for the purpose they served.

A lot of the film, I remember thinking that Carol herself wasn’t that well-developed, but that ties into the film perfectly–for a lot of it, we see her the only way she knows herself: a Kree warrior whose only goal is to go out on real missions to prove herself. As more of her memories get uncovered, however, we learn about her personality and what makes her who she is at the exact same time she does. We get connected to her as a character because we go through things right along with her, and I LOVE it.

(To go off for a moment here, I mentioned in my Alita: Battle Angel review that one of the things that really bugged me about the movie is that it was like in order for Alita to be a good hero and protagonist, she had to squash all of her emotions because it was the only way to move forward. I don’t think it made her relatable at all, it just further alienated her from me and I cared less and less about what happened to her or her story. Carol has a similar moment where she learns exactly what happened in her past, she’s at her lowest point, but instead of shoving it all deep inside her and refusing to acknowledge it, instead she uses that pain to move forward and be stronger because of it. She went through something awful and she lost someone incredibly dear to her; both characters did. What matters is how they were written to handle it, and it makes all the difference)

Baby Nick Fury was an absolute delight, and he had such an interesting arc over the course of a single film. We see him go from doubter and rule-follower to believer and fighter, and honestly it makes his meme line in Avengers all the funnier now. I mean: “I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.” You just KNOW that’s something he’d say that Carol would both be proud of him for and also tease him about. We’ve seen Fury as a leader in the other Marvel films, albeit not a perfect leader, but that’s part of what makes him such a good character. He’s just as flawed as the heroes he tries to be in charge of, but you can tell he’s weighed down by red tape and decisions that are beyond his control. Here, we get to see him be not only young and inexperienced, we get to see him form a real friendship with someone. The post-credits scene is phenomenal for this very reason; Carol and Fury have a fascinating bond, so when she shows up to confront the Avengers and Fury is nowhere in sight? Of course she’s pissed.

Maria is a wonderful character and a great best friend for Carol. I loved her the instant she came on-screen and she didn’t disappoint the entire film. She really brings humanity to Carol before she remembers everything, so she’s a perfect addition to Carol and Fury as a team. (Side note: there’s not an explicit romance in Captain Marvel, but many fans have pointed out that Carol and Maria are incredibly close, although they just say best friends. Then again, as one fan pointed out on tumblr, the film takes place right in the middle of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”…Carol and Maria were both in the military….speaks for itself. Plus, Brie Larson frequently retweets fan art of Captain Marvel either with Maria or Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie, SOOOOOOOOOOO…..).

Jude Law’s Yon-Rogg is yet another great character; he does such a good job at playing trustworthy in the beginning, and yet it’s totally believable when he’s revealed to be the real bad guy all along (is this why older white guys/white guys in general didn’t like the film? Because the white guy was the villain? Is that it?). He’s absolutely malicious in his final fight with Carol. Speaking of, that whole moment when Yon-Rogg says “I TOLD YOU THAT ONE DAY YOU’D HAVE TO PROVE YOURSELF TO ME BY BEATING ME WITHOUT USING YOUR POWERS WELL TODAY IS THAT DAY–” and Carol just decimates him with her sparkle fists and says “I don’t have to prove anything to you” that is ICONIC I AM LIVING.

The only character I feel wasn’t as developed as the others is Dr. Wendy Lawson, and that’s a shame since she’s supposed to be a big icon and inspiration in Carol’s life. We know she was intent on ending wars rather than fighting them, and she knew what the Kree really were compared to the Skrulls. So she’s clearly like, perfect, but we don’t see much of her. She’s featured silently in some memories of Carol’s, she does talk in at least once other, but most of her appearances in the film are actually when we see Carol talking with the Kree Supreme Intelligence.

“But Filmennial!” I hear you say, “you could just read the comics, and then you’d learn all there is to know about Dr. Lawson/Mar-Vell!” To which I say,

No.

That’s the nice thing about Marvel movies: they’re generally enjoyable even if you haven’t read all of the comics. There are so many, y’all. Plus there are different authors and timelines and I just…

No.

THE TWIST

The twist(s?) was very welcome, like I mentioned earlier, and it was an interesting commentary. Like Carol, we as the audience (unless you’ve read the ~comics~ I suppose (but seriously no offense, and I admire your dedication, I really do)) are brainwashed. We accept that the Kree are the good guys and the Skrulls are the bad guys because that’s all we know. It’s played out brilliantly, too; the good guys are soldiers, they look strong and proud, they go on missions to protect the galaxy from evil. We naturally want to trust them (isn’t that what we do in America, too?). On the opposite end, you have the Skrulls. Not only can they shape shift, thereby branding them instantly untrustworthy as they could be anyone, their natural form is much more alien than the Kree. Many of the Kree have blue skin, yes, but they still look human to some degree; the Skrulls look LITERALLY alien in comparison. They have green skin, weird Thanos chins, they’re bald, and they have pointy ears. Just based off of looks alone, they’re different, and our natural reaction is to believe they’re evil because they’re unrecognizable.

It’s disconcerting then to both Carol AND the audience when it’s revealed that the Skrulls are actually refugees; they are just searching for a peaceful planet to call home because not only did the Kree destroy their home, they keep hunting them to maintain their image (and just because they want to). Everything we’ve been told up to this point, everything we believed in, is a lie.

So then Carol finds out that not only was her mentor, Dr. Lawson, Kree herself, she was trying to end the war between the Kree and the Skrulls because there shouldn’t even be a war to begin with. It wasn’t the Skrulls that killed Dr. Lawson the day Carol was with her; it was none other than Yon-Rogg, Kree himself, and Carol’s mentor when she was training to be a Kree warrior. Her powers were not given to her by the Kree, it was an accident because she blew up the power source the Kree were after at Dr. Lawson’s request and ended up fusing with it. Yon-Rogg saw this and kidnapped her, essentially, purely hungry for the power Carol now possessed.

All of this is what makes the final fight sequences so fun and satisfying to watch. Carol takes her Kree uniform and has Maria’s daughter change the colors so it is all her own now (side note, Yon-Rogg asks “what have you done to your uniform” when he sees her again but like…it was a feature of the suit? Why did they build it with that feature if they didn’t want people to change them ever? It’s fine). She uses her powers, unafraid for the first time ever, and takes out everyone who lied to her so she can protect the ones they hunt.

Also, there are great moments in the final fight where Goose shows off his real identity as a Flerken, a terrifying and deadly alien being. So, a cat.

THE GIRL POWER

Captain Marvel does not shy away from its central messages of peace and girl power at all. It’s worth dwelling on the fact that Carol and Maria’s mentor in the military was a doctor who only wanted to end wars, not fight them. They wanted to work under her for that very reason, and also since they are women, they weren’t allowed to be actual pilots, and since that’s all they really wanted to be, this was their only way to get in the air.

Captain Marvel, as a character, specializes in ending wars. The Avengers, as a group and as a series, always seem to be a little more occupied with fighting wars rather than trying to find the best way to end them. Not always, of course, but compare this to Captain America’s origin film: the whole reason he signed up for the super soldier experiment is because it was the only way he could fight. It’s all he wanted to do…ever, basically. Iron Man started off wanting to quit building weapons so that the bad guys couldn’t get a hold of them, but then he ended up building a bunch of iron man suit weapons that the bad guys got a hold of time and time again anyways. There’s a reason why these two were the headliners for Captain America: Civil War.

It’s why I’m so, so glad that Captain Marvel will be joining the crew for Endgame, because if anyone can end the infinity war, it’s her.

I mentioned above that there’s a whole fight sequence underscored by No Doubt’s “Just a Girl,” but that’s only one of the ways the film focuses on the idea of girl power. As previously stated, Carol and Maria weren’t allowed to be pilots simply because they were women. There’s a real gross flashback where some drunk soldier tells Carol that “it’s called a cockpit for a reason” which just…ew. There’s a scene where some guy tells Carol that she should smile, which I DEARLY hope was added in after the whole “guys complained that Captain Marvel doesn’t smile enough in the released footage and posters” thing. Probably not, but it was an extra funny scene just recalling that–and the look Carol gives him? ICONIC.

There are subtler things, too, that I don’t think everyone would catch. Throughout the film, Carol is told that her sparkle fist powers are a nuisance, a problem, that she should be able to fight without them. She should hide her powers so she doesn’t stand out, and the only way to do that is to control her emotions. How often do we hear complaints, jabs, and jokes that women are “too emotional” to get anything done?

It’s so refreshing, then, to see Carol go full-out with her powers and to embrace the emotions that got her to where she is. In her final confrontation with the Kree Supreme Intelligence, when Carol is being told that she should be grateful to the Kree for saving her since she’s only human…Carol uses that against the Supreme Intelligence. She embraces her identity as a human, a broken, emotional, angry human, and it’s only after she accepts all of that that she is able to overpower the Supreme Intelligence and the rest of the Kree.

Then Yon-Rogg, her Kree mentor, her friend, says that she must prove herself to him? After what she learned that he did? Nahhhhhhh.

Captain Marvel tells little girls watching that not only can they be superheroes too, but that they can be superheroes no matter what they’re feeling or who they are.

One of my favorite marketing things for this film will always be when they layer “see what makes her a hero”–they show the word “her” first, and then the other letters fade in to spell “a hero.” Captain Marvel is a woman first, with everything that entails, and a superhero second.

FAVORITE MOMENT

I’m so torn between Carol saying “you’re right–I’m only human” and then blasting the Supreme Intelligence away because that was SO SATISFYING and when she blasts Yon-Rogg away after saying “I have nothing to prove to you.” I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH, ENDGAME IS GONNA BE GREAT, Y’ALL.

I mean actually Endgame is probably just gonna be a lot of pain. But at least it’ll be pain featuring CAPTAIN MARVEL!! YEAH!!!

“OOF” MOMENT

Genuinely, nothing stands out to me as awkward or unfortunate. My one nitpick is still about Wendy Lawson as a character, but that’s not really a “moment” thing.

I mean there was the moment when Goose scratched Fury’s eye. But that “oof” was more of a sympathy “oof” because I too have a vicious cat creature who would do that if given the chance.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Well I’m late again, so if it’s still playing where you are, then yes, I think you should. Again, I don’t think it’s as much of a must-see as Black Panther (#BESTPICTUREINMYHEART), but it is a damn good time. Loose ends are tied up (rare for a Marvel movie), everything is satisfying, and it’s funny just as much as it’s poignant.

I don’t think you’ll regret going to see it, unless you’re offended that it’s not “for you,” in which case I dunno how to help you, fam.

All in all, I give Captain Marvel…

4.5/5 CATS THAT ARE ACTUALLY FLERKENS!!

Well, that last one is definitely a Flerken, hence the tentacles. The other ones MIGHT be normal cats…

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

I don’t remember if there were any repeat trailers (again, it’s been a while, and they all kind of blur together at some point?) but as for newbies we have: Long Shot, which like…okay, I think it looks kind of fun. It has every potential to be absolutely terrible, and I’m prepared for that, but honestly it has been a while since there looks to be a semi-good new romantic comedy and I just want that, okay?

Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw is…a movie. I’ve never really followed the Fast and Furious franchise to begin with, and though it looks really tongue-in-cheek and kind of fun and full of banter, I’m sure it’s also full of pointless explosions and car chases and god knows what else. Which like, again…it’s a choice.

There was a new trailer for Dark Phoenix and guys…it’s just Frozen. That’s it. Girl with powers, girl scared of powers, girl struggles with controlling her powers, girl hurts family/friend because of this, girl blames herself…so on and so forth. I’m assuming there won’t be singing and dancing and living snowmen, but it’s basically the same, right?

Rocketman looks amazing and I will absolutely be seeing it.

Oh hey, speaking of Frozen, Frozen II is a thing that’s happening. I genuinely don’t know how to feel about it. I mean I’ll see it, obviously, but like…what even is the trailer? What is happening? Why is Elsa running into the ocean? Why are there new people? Why does Anna kill the cameraman? Whatever.

And with that, we come to the end of this review! I definitely enjoyed Captain Marvel and felt really empowered by the end, which I think is important. If it sounds like something you’d enjoy and it’s still playing at your theater, I highly recommend you take yourself to the movies and see Captain Marvel.

Also, boost the reviews and ticket sales so all the old bitter white guys who were complaining about it get even MORE mad.

Glass Review

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I really love everything about this poster especially because it tells you absolutely nothing about the movie, you think you know what’s going to happen?? YOU’RE WRONG

So yesterday, I took myself to the movies and saw Glass, M. Night Shyamalamalan’s (spelling?) latest mind-bending WHAT-IS-HAPPENING movie and also the sequel to both 2000’s Unbreakable and 2016’s Split.

Now when I saw Split, the big twist ending (shoving Bruce Willis in there to reveal that Split and Unbreakable are in the same cinematic universe, the Shyamaverse?) was kind of lost on me as I never saw Unbreakable. I loved Split, however, so I caught up and learned as much as I could about both films and their respective universes to prepare for Glass.

I still don’t think I was prepared enough. I mean what is it with movies this year and saying “oh?? you want a twist? Okay yeah. OH WHAT’S THAT?? MORE TWISTS????? OH LOOK HERE’S ANOTHER ONE!!!! TWISTS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!”

That’s not a bad thing either!! At least I don’t think so. A good twist (or seventeen) really makes you think AND makes you want to watch the film again to look for clues you missed. It’s diabolical really.

So without further ado, let’s break open this “comic book” movie and shatter everything you thought you knew about this universe.

Pun game still strong.

They put Sarah Paulson in this dramatic white raincoat so it would give you the illusion of everything being fine, guys, Sarah Paulson the angel is here

THE PLOT

We begin approximately three-ish weeks after the events of Split, but that’s not the important timeline detail for you to remember: just as Glass is coming out 19 years after Unbreakable, this movie’s events take place 19 years after Unbreakable’s events. While this INCREDIBLY cool music plays, we go back and forth between following David Dunn (Bruce Willis) in his trademark rain poncho and Kevin Wendell Crumb (James McAvoy) in his…kidnap factory. The usual. David is in a bit of a vigilante routine at this point (his cover is “I’m taking a walk”) but we see he’s in headphone contact with his son, Joseph Dunn (Spencer Treat Clark), while he walks. After taking down two punks who contributed nothing to the plot or society, we learn that Dunn & Son are trying to track down the person/persons responsible for all the kidnapped girls recently. David runs into Hedwig (one of Crumb’s personalities) on the street and gets a vision of the latest group of girls, leading David to track down the factory where the girls are being kept alone, despite his son’s wishes. David manages to free the girls, but he runs into The Beast (another Crumb personality) and the two have an eeeepic battle in the factory. It does lead to one of the girls being whacked by a table (although I guess all she gets is a broken arm?? They try to use this against David later but like if he hadn’t done anything she’d be Beast food????) and both David and The Beast breaking through a window to fall to the ground below, where suddenly somehow there are police cars and guys with guns surrounding them and Sarah Paulson telling everyone not to shoot. Through the headphone microphone, Joseph hears where they are taking his father and Crumb and he learns it’s a psychiatric facility.

Finally there we see Samuel L. Jackson’s Elijah Price (or as we better know him, Mr. Glass). Sarah Paulson plays Dr. Ellie Staple, and her job is to convince our three misfits that they actually have a very specific disorder that causes them to BELIEVE they are superhuman, when in actuality, they’re not, just normal people who are a little broken (GET IT??? IT’S CALLED GLASS???? SYMBOLISM!!).

The rest of the movie is a test on both the characters and the audience as everyone is forced to review what they know about these characters and if it is, in fact, all a lie, and what they’re going to do about it.

Bruce Willis just looked completely done the entire movie and honestly what a 2019 mood

THE REVIEW

Generally, Glass appears to be getting mixed reviews. There are people who loved Unbreakable and didn’t like Split so they don’t know what to make of this movie, there are people who loved both and had their own ideas for this movie and then were collectively disappointed and miffed when those ideas didn’t happen, there are people who hate the entire film but are still in awe of James McAvoy’s incredible, INCREDIBLE acting and his ability to flip from one character to an entirely different one in a matter of seconds. For me personally? I really, really loved it. And I love it more the more I think about it (as we discussed with Escape Room, my favorite movies are ones that make me think about them afterwards!). I thought it was frustrating and poignant in powerful ways, and heartfelt when it needed to be. We’ll get to the characters later, but it was incredible to feel myself questioning why I was rooting for the “bad guys.” Were they really the bad guys in the end? I was questioning everything the whole way through and I LOVED IT.

Every detail felt carefully placed, from the music to the color to the camerawork. It was a distressing ending on one hand but an empowering ending on the other. It was funny when it needed to be, heartbreaking when it needed to be, suspenseful when it needed to be, and made me want to punch Sarah Paulson in the face. And I love Sarah Paulson!

Okay, time to go into further details so SPOILER WARNING if you haven’t seen the movie yet!! And this is a Shyamalan film, so you know there’s a twist. Or, like I said earlier, a whole lot of twists. If you’re on the fence about the movie but you liked Split or Unbreakable and generally like Shyamalan films or this sounds like something you’d enjoy, I recommend seeing it first before reading further. If the details don’t bother you and you’re okay being spoiled before you see it, read on!

*insert mandatory “I’m here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative” joke*

THE MUSIC

YOU GUYS. THE MUSIC. THE MUSIC!!!

Ohhhhhh MAN the music was great! It was so strange and anxiety-inducing when appropriate, and then it would switch and suddenly be really heartfelt and sad and you were sitting there like “whY aM I cRYinG??” Apparently the composer, West Dylan Thordson (also composer for Split) also mixed in some key themes from Unbreakable so it fully was a cinematic universe down to even the music?? I just. UGH. I can’t say enough about it. Even the track titles fill me with emotion (I mean, “Kevin & Casey”?? REALLY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS.)

Notable music moments include the opening track with the montage and anxiety and opening credits flitting all over the screen, it was an experience, the moment when David is slumped over in his room remembering moments from Unbreakable but questioning his powers, the big parking lot showdown, and of course that entire finale piece. And again, the finale piece is called “Origin Story” which is like oh, look, I’m crying again.

why would you do this, Sarah, WHYYYY

THE CHARACTERS

Absolutely one of my favorite elements of this movie and this TRILOGY have been the characters. Mr. Glass and David are PERFECT foils to each other, and the way that Kevin is revealed to be connected to them both is just heartbreaking. None of them are perfect by any means, of course: Elijah is a genius mass murderer, Kevin is a broken kidnapper/cannibal (does it count as cannibalism if it’s The Beast personality?), and even David is weak, quick to believe Ellie, and often acts without thinking (okay not as bad as the other two BUT the point is none of them are perfect superheroes, okay). All the characters are tied into the overall symbolism of the film: when you look at them through lenses (Mr. Glass as the genius evil mastermind, Kevin as his beastly underling, David as the superhero, Ellie as the caring, reality-driven psychiatrist, Joseph as the starstruck little boy, Casey as the battered final girl, and Mrs. Price as the mother of a mistake), you do not and cannot get the full picture. Elijah has only ever wanted a body that could keep up with his intellect, and if you were in his situation, wouldn’t you? Kevin’s personalities developed as a way to protect him from his incredibly abusive mother. David has massive survivor’s guilt both because of the train incident AND his wife is dead now too. Ellie is blinded by her belief that what she’s doing is right. Joseph never saw his father as JUST a superhero but as a whole person. Casey put her uncle behind bars and genuinely cares for Kevin as a kindred spirit; she is not happy about outliving him, or about him being caught initially in the first place. She is not hiding her scars from the world anymore! Mrs. Price loves Elijah and believes he is capable of good, but the world was not good to him.

There are so many sides to every character, not just Kevin with his multiple personalities. You initially want to feel one way about them because of how they’re presented, but as the movie goes on, you realize you can’t do that. These are not two-dimensional characters on a screen, these are whole, broken people in awful situations, and aren’t we all? We cannot dehumanize any of them. Even Ellie, after the horrid reveal, breaks down in a hallway and screams, showing she is not as perfectly put together as she seems. She’s scared, and angry, and human.

I could go on forever, I really could. But really, hats off to Shyamalan for characters that are so well-developed. You want them to do well, and it breaks you when they don’t. When they can’t.

After you see the movie, seeing this room just makes you cry all over again

THE ART

I have to talk about the scenery, costumes, and general design all in one category because it all connects together and tbh visually this film is absolutely a work of art.

One of my favorite elements of The Sixth Sense is the use of color, and in that film, it was the bright red seen throughout that gave clues. Color plays an equally important role in this film, and it goes from bright, to muted, to bright again, and then finally to just what I would call rich. It mirrors the mental and emotional state of our characters, it gives visual cues, it sets up Ellie as a sweet, caring pastel individual when really she is full of evil, so on and so forth.

Every character, as seen in the shot above, has a specific color that is kind of theirs. It was also used in another theatrical poster for the film. Elijah’s color being purple is something that carried over from Unbreakable; it’s a color of royalty and power. Kevin’s color is kind of a mustard yellow, and it’s very reminiscent of Split, with the sickly lighting of the zoo facility and the bright fall leaves of Casey’s hunting memories. David’s color is interestingly enough a sort of teal, which mixes both the idea of blue being both a “hero” and “good” color psychologically to the fact that his weakness is water. He’s constantly surrounded by the very thing that haunts him.

IT’S JUST

Ellie’s color is a pastel pink, although she really just keeps a pastel color palette throughout the film (when she’s not wearing stark white). It makes her seem gentle and like she truly wants the best for our three misfits, which makes it all the more frustrating when she seems to be torturing them instead and then oh, wait, yeah no she’s completely evil. Great.

Though the use of color is the most obvious artistic aspect to the film, the camerawork is also incredible. There are multiple scenes where the camera takes the viewpoint of Mr. Glass, so we see everything from his point of view (sometimes even tilted slightly since his head seems to be permanently flopped over when he’s sedated). There’s a moment where Joseph storms out of the hospital and the camera follows him, flipping upside-down and around to show Joseph’s mental state-is everything he knows, everything he so strongly believes in, really a lie?

There are extreme closeups, reflections, a strong emphasis on the visual of shattered glass, again, I could go on and on and on and on, and I still probably wouldn’t catch everything.

This is why I love watching The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Split multiple times-it’s a layered cinematic experience, and you catch something new every single time. I will absolutely be adding Glass to this list (even though that will mean crying a lot more).

Pictured: three wholesome beans who need protection from this world

THE TWIST(S)

Because it ain’t a Shyamalan movie if there ain’t a TWIST.

Or like 12 billion.

I guess the initial twist is that Elijah has been switching his medication and only pretending to be sedated, but that’s an early-on reveal and COME ON, did any of us really think he was letting them sedate him??? It’s Mr. Glass, y’all. Let’s be real. (“let’s be real” she says about…a movie character who is fictional).

There’s an interesting semi-twist where the audience, just like the characters, may be starting to believe that there truly is nothing supernatural about them-they’re just normal, if broken. It’s sad, man, but fear not-they actually ARE superhumans! The Beast IS real, Elijah IS a genius, and David really IS unbreakable. Hoorah!

The next twist serves to further connect all three characters: Kevin’s father, who was Kevin’s role model, and who left Kevin alone with his mother with no explanation which meant ~time for multiple personalities and lots of abuse~, actually DIED. And not only that, he was ON THE SAME TRAIN DAVID DUNN WAS ON IN UNBREAKABLE.

Mr. Glass, like he says in the film, created both Kevin as The Beast and David as the superhero.

WhaaaAAAAAAAAAAT!

And now you’re thinking cool! So that’s how they’re all connected, and how they’ve been all connected! Where can we go from here? Will they show the world they exist?? HOW EPIC WILL IT BE???

aaaaaaaand then they’re dead.

No.

Really.

Kevin starts us off by revenge-crushing Mr. Glass’s shoulder and punching him in the ribs. He then falls out of his chair, unable to hold himself up, and with each impact you hear his bones breaking (GET IT BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS CALLED GLASS??? GET IT????). He crawls over to his mother, who sits with him while he coughs up blood, I’m assuming from his ribs breaking and puncturing various organs. It’s…yeah.

Kevin still wants to fight David, but Casey gets to Kevin and manages to talk The Beast down. YEAH. She hugs him and asks Kevin to “stay in the light with her for a little while” (CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB). The Beast becomes Kevin, and just when you think everything’s fine, Casey notices a red laser light on her shoulder, and when she turns to look, the light is now on Kevin, and he gets shot. The shooter, we see, has some kind of black clover tattoo on the inside of his wrist. Kevin collapses in Casey’s arms, various personalities say goodbye to her or talk about pain (Hedwig in particular asks Casey to make the pain stop and you hear that sound? That’s my heart breaking). Finally, Kevin comes back into the light and says he’ll stay in the light till the end. He dies in Casey’s arms.

David is pulled aside by a group of masked awful terrible people who start holding his head down in a pothole of water. Ellie comes up and asks David to take her hand, where he gets a vision of her in a creepy dining room with other creepy evil people. She says that in the comic books there’s always some evil organization trying to stop everyone-but they’re not like that. They’re not evil. They’re just right. This means that the ENTIRE DAMN TIME she was being sweet to them and gently trying to convince them they have a disorder, she KNEW that they actually WERE SUPERHUMAN and she was just TORTURING THEM. David notices that Ellie also has the black clover tattoo. Ellie walks away and the masked people finish drowning David. We later see Joseph, who was separated from his dad, running to his dad’s body and sobbing.

We cut back one last time to Elijah, talking with his mother. It was a little hard to make out, but Elijah and his mom are discussing his life being a limited release, and she doesn’t know how it ends because he never told her. Elijah simply says that no, this was never a limited release…it was an origin story.

So that’s it, right? Our three misfits are dead, and the supervillain got away with EVERYTHING.

Except NOPE.

WE AIN’T DONE YET.

Ellie goes back to her secret black clover tattoo society of evil declaring that everything is fine, and she’ll move on to the next city and do the same thing all over again. The entire movie, our three misfits have been questioning “why are we the only ones??” and now we know why-there have been more, there are more, Ellie’s just finishing them off. Before she leaves, Ellie stops in a comic book store (perhaps to gloat?) and overhears some comics fans discussing the mastermind trope. They say that the mastermind always has a real plan behind a fake one-and no one sees it coming.

Ellie realizes that there may be something to this, so she goes back to the hospital to make sure that all security footage of the misfits has been erased. The guy working there says yeah for sure, except oh NO Mr. Glass is a genius you FOOLS. Mr. Glass downloaded the security footage along with a monologue of sorts and sent it to his mother, who (I’m assuming) sends it to both Joseph and Casey. The three meet up and sit together in a train station (BECAUSE TRAINS!!! UNBREAKABLE!!!) and watch as the footage goes viral. The superhuman truth is out there now-people know they exist.

And other superhumans may realize they’re not alone.

Ellie realizes that this was Mr. Glass’s plan all along. It’s interesting to note that during the final battle, Glass refers to Casey, Joseph, and Mrs. Price as “the main characters’ entrance” when they arrive. Because remember, it’s not a limited edition-it’s an origin story.

cAtcH mE CRyiNg iN tHE CLuB

“OOF” MOMENT

The only real “awkward” scene for me (there is an unfortunate lack of crazy dance scene from Hedwig, although he has a rollerskating scene) is in the beginning when Ellie and her soldiers interrupt The Beast’s and David’s fight. How…did they find them?? How did they get set up to surround them so perfectly??? I just…what?

The entire ending death montage is absolutely heartbreaking and I hate it, but the other real gutting moment is after that meeting in the pink room when Ellie got into their heads and we see David just crouched in a corner of his room all broken and sad and doubting and I just Bruce Willis looks so old and sad here I just please give the man a hug please.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Honestly there are so many good ones, but one that totally stands out is the first time Casey comes to visit and she talks with the various personalities and we see that her touch is incredibly healing to Kevin and that’s also when she says she put her uncle behind bars for what he did to her and just YES GIRL. YES.

Also the scene where Ellie realizes she’s lost is INCREDIBLY satisfying.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

If you read this and think it sounds interesting, if you like Shyamalan movies, if you like pretty movies, if you like movies with an uplifting ending after all hope seems lost, if you like the actors, or if you just wanna marvel at James McAvoy’s incredible work with every one of his characters, I say go for it and take yourself to this movie! If this doesn’t sound like it’s something you’d enjoy, I don’t think it’s a movie you need to see. I think it’s a great movie and I really, really enjoyed it, but I also think it’s not necessarily for everyone! But in general, I give this movie:

4.5/5 COLOR-CODED SHARDS OF GLASS!

Yes everyone meet our new rating system! It’ll change depending on the movie, of course. If it’s a movie I think EVERYONE should see regardless of it being your cup of tea or not, I’ll give it that coveted 5/5 somethings.

This movie didn’t quite make it there, but I still think it’s quite good and I recommend giving it a try! You’ll cry a lot. And laugh a little! And want to punch Sarah Paulson.

(I still love her)

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

We had a couple repeats (Pet Sematary, Miss Bala, and Happy Death Day 2 U) which we’ve discussed already, but we got some new ones to look out for! The Best of Enemies looks amazing, it’ll definitely be an emotional rollercoaster, but like an important one. Plus we know overall how it ends because of history, so the ending can’t be too sad hopefully please I have no more tears. Fighting with My Family actually…looks really good??? I was so skeptical because the poster made it look just weird and like another The Rock flick filled with explosions and bad CGI, BUT this looks surprisingly heartfelt and funny and like…good?? Us looks AMAZING. It was so fun to see the trailer on the bigscreen for the first time! I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m TERRIFIED and that movie will give me nightmares for YEARS probably, but I’m hoping Jordan Peele can give us another social thriller filled with great characters and things to make you THINK. And also lots of jumpscares probably which like not my favorite, but I’ll try it for Jordan Peele. The one trailer that made me just flat out say NOPE was The Curse of La Llorona. It has the potential I’m sure to be a fascinating urban legend-based horror, but that was the MOST ANXIETY-INDUCING TRAILER IN THE WORLD THAT IS EVERY CHILD’S WORST NIGHTMARE PLEASE GET THEM OUT OF THAT CAR. PLEASE.

And that about does it for this review of Glass! I’m sure I’ll find more and more I love or maybe even dislike about it as time goes on, but I’ll say it again, if this sounds like something you’d enjoy, might even like, or you just wanna see James McAvoy play 20+ characters and switch between them in an instant, I recommend taking yourself to the movies to see Glass!

Aquaman Review

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They knew they could get me to see it by putting sharks on the poster

So last night, I took myself (and my dad) to the movies to see Aquaman, the latest movie released in DC’s so far slightly-less-than-successful attempt at a cinematic universe, depending on who you ask. I realize I’m a few weeks late to this party, but let’s dive right in, shall we? (Pun completely intentional).

THE PLOT

Aight so the movie starts off in a massive storm of some kind and we follow a guy trying to tie his window shutters down so they stop slamming against his house and jump-scaring the audience. He’s torn away from his task, however, upon seeing the body of Nicole Kidman splayed across some rocks down by the water (I mean, wouldn’t we all get distracted?). Kidman plays the Queen of Atlantis named Atlanna because of course that’s her name, and Temuera Morrison plays Tom Curry, her lighthouse keeper savior. The two form a quick bond in a nice montage that feels very much like Splash, with like a little bit of The Little Mermaid in there I guess, but Splash! We jump ahead in time to Atlanna telling a story about Atlantis and a very special trident to her young son (this is an important plot point) before a whole bunch of aquatic stormtroopers shoot up the house and demand Atlanna return to Atlantis. After a fun little fight sequence, Atlanna decides she must return to keep her son and her beau safe. Jump ahead in time again, and we catch up with a navy submarine being overrun by pirates. They are interrupted by none other than Aquaman himself, who ruins their party and saves everyone aboard (except for the pirates, whom he leaves for dead in a decision that will definitely come back to haunt him later). Aquaman (whose actual name is Arthur) is hanging out with his dad, Tom, in a bar when a group of burly biker guys interrupt to ask if they can get a picture with good ol’ fishboy (“fishMAN” Arthur corrects him, lest we forget this is a VERY MANLY MOVIE, OKAY). On their way home, a massive tidal wave knocks into well, everything, including their truck. A mysterious redhead (Mera, played by Amber Heard) shows up to save Tom’s life, and to also demand that Arthur return to Atlantis to challenge his half-brother Orm before he becomes Ocean Master and starts a war with the surface. So um. Yeah. Arthur, bitter about the whole Atlantis thing because he was told they executed his mother, Atlanna, just because he was born, isn’t crazy about it but also doesn’t think he can just stand by while all these humans die. The rest of the movie is a weird mix of an epic quest story line, a family drama story line, and a royal politics story line. Also, fish! Lots of fish. And Jason Momoa as Aquaman is shirtless a lot, which works well to show off the excellent tattoo work all over his chest and arms (it’s gonna make fanart a nightmare, like Maui from Moana all over again).

Mera and Arthur chat with Willem Dafoe (his character had a name but…I mean it’s Willem Dafoe)

THE REVIEW

So in my opinion, overall, Aquaman is a very strange movie. It’s a good time, for sure, but it’s also just a whole lot of things all at once. It’s very pretty to look at it, and the actors overall do a brilliant job, and it serves its purpose well as a superhero flick. In my opinion, I can’t put it on quite the same level as Wonder Woman, but it definitely comes close! As I said, it’s a fun movie, and I appreciate that it never really took itself super seriously. Yes there were intense moments that it did not shy away from, and to even it out there were incredibly dorky and ridiculous moments. I wouldn’t say it was my favorite film ever, but it was fun and I’m glad I saw it. I mean, there were cool sharks being ridden around underwater like toothy horses. Also, Julie Andrews cameo!! So with my general overall feelings of the film out of the way, let’s dive deeper (pun still intended) into different elements of the movie, which means Spoiler Warning ahead if you haven’t seen the film yet and want to without having any major details given away!

Mera and Arthur descend to the Kingdom of the Trench in a truly nightmare-esque sequence

THE MUSIC

I am a major movie music nerd, so one thing I will always discuss is the music. The movie overall had a very fun, superhero-esque score. Very epic, very “let’s go knock over buildings and save people.” The usual. Notable music moments for me include the initial pirate introduction in the beginning (they have a very cool villain theme) followed by when Arthur interrupts them (Arthur gets an electric guitar theme in the midst of the orchestra, which is a fun, quirky addition and kind of sums up his character before he even says anything), the chase scene when Mera and Arthur are escaping Atlantis, when Mera absolutely waterbends a bunch of wine in Sicily into spears, and the moment pictured above when they descend into the Kingdom of the Trench (visually it’s a terrifying scene, and the strange music does not help but damn is it cool). For non-orchestral music, two songs that stuck out to me were the cute song played when Mera and Arthur eat flowers in Sicily (I wish I was kidding) and the first end credits song, which I’ll discuss a little more later.

These characters look like they belong in two entirely separate films

THE COMBAT

Because it is, of course, a superhero movie, there’s a lot of combat. It’s relatively enjoyable to watch, the exceptions being the pirates first invading the submarine in the beginning (that’s just sad and uncomfortable, especially with all the mass shootings in the news the past few years) and the massive CGI fight at the end because…it’s just real hard to follow tbh. BUT generally the one-on-one fights are incredibly fun to watch because they’re beautifully staged! Plus the underwater fights are extra fun because they had to add in the lack of like, gravity rules and also air. Notable fight scenes include the one above where Atlanna absolutely decimates a group of aquatic stormtroopers, Arthur vs. Orm Round 1 and 2, and the beautifully shot and edited fight in Sicily.

this is basically the entirety of the movie, just throw in a couple sharks

THE CHARACTERS

Ehhhhhhh…they’re okay. Honestly there was no particular character I got super attached to. Naturally, Arthur is basically a big dork, and you could tell Jason Momoa was just having a lot of fun with the part, so that meant his character was pretty likable. Willem Dafoe’s character got like one instance of development when he stood up to Orm and got thrown into a prison cell, I guess? Hard to tell, he doesn’t stay there long and it’s like super easy for Mera to break into for some reason. Both Mera and Atlanna are likable because yay females! But what bugged me is that they had little-to-no personality traits. Atlanna? She’s a queen. That’s…that’s about it. Oh, wait, she’s also a mother, so she loves both her sons. Also she somehow fought her way through the Trench and lived there for 20 years, even though it’s completely glossed over how she did it. Mera and Arthur barely made it through and she’s just like “yeah I fought through just like you did, how? Not important. Know what is important? The TRIDENT.” Mera takes on the roll of the princess stuck in an arranged marriage to a jerk prince she doesn’t love and also she can waterbend with the best of ’em. I’ll delve more into the forced romance that I guess is also supposed to serve as character development even though it doesn’t in a little bit. This is something that always bugs me in superhero flicks-the women are hardly ever full characters. They’re there because they typically have to participate in a romance plot, sometimes they get kidnapped, sometimes they fight because they’re badasses, but that isn’t a character trait. We got flashbacks of Arthur learning to fight-what about Mera and Atlanna? Why do they know how to fight if they’re forced to wear pretty dresses and watch their betrothed fight from the safety of the royal box? Now, I would believe they are more fleshed out in the comics. But for the sake of this movie, they largely serve as decorations. They can fight, sure, but they almost seem unbreakable because of it. We see both Arthur and Orm weakened and broken after a tough fight, and it helps to humanize them, but Mera and Atlanna are simply perfect at fighting. The worst we see happen to Mera is a little bruise on her cheek that serves as a plot device to get Arthur to be all “YOU COULD HAVE DIED AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FAULT” (i.e., development for him, nothing for her). They can’t get beat up because they have to keep looking pretty.

THIS IS A VERY MANLY SUPERHERO MOVIE OKAY IT ONLY LOOKS LIKE BARBIE MERMAIDIA OKAY

THE SCENERY

Damn this movie is pretty. I saw it in 3D which normally I’m kind of “meh” about, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for this movie! It was fun to feel like you were swimming through Atlantis with them. All the underwater scenes were absolutely gorgeous, and also the um..the hidden Earth’s core oasis place was very pretty. In 3D, the little butterflies flitting about everywhere were quite lovely. In contrast, the descent into the Trench was absolutely gruesome and perfectly creepy. Also, in the little Atlantis history lesson segment, above-ground Atlantis was so pretty! It’s just gorgeous and neon and there are FISH!!! EVERYWHERE!!!!!

this dress is so impractical but so ridiculously pretty I want 12

THE COSTUMES

To go along with the gorgeous scenery, the costumes are gorgeous as well. All of them are extremely sea-creature inspired, which I appreciated, but I also wish there were more costumes like Mera’s jellyfish dress there. They had a whole ocean to work with and most of the costumes are just like…unitards covered in scales. I mean they’re pretty and I know, I know, ~it’s from the comics~, but if they can whip out one jellyfish dress for one scene, I think they could have whipped out some like, manta ray capes and lionfish armor (Black Manta’s costume does not count because…I mean that’s a bug helmet, that’s not a sea creature. That’s..that’s like a giant fly). I’m just saying. Also…again, I realize they’re pulling from the comics, fine, but can someone please explain to me why Atlanna’s scale-suit has a cool decorated turtleneck thing while Mera’s is like, super low-cut? Like, REALLY. And why is she wearing heels with that outfit? I can’t imagine that’s super practical underwater. Probably just as practical as they are above water. Whatever.

is this a superhero movie or National Treasure 4?? No one knows
#couplegoals

THE ROMANCE

Okay so I am a huge romantic, I freely admit it. And sometimes superhero movie romance is the best! Tony and Pepper? Iconic. Steve and Peggy? Cute and also I’m crying. That ridiculous upside-down rain kiss in Spider-man? Magnificent. Nakia and T’challa? Absolutely amazing. This movie claimed to have two romantic plots, but we all know who the real couple is…It’s Atlanna and Tom, there is no contest. I mean, they had a super cute Splash-esque montage in the beginning, and also, I am SO glad they got to reunite at the end. I mean find you a man who will go down to the docks at sunrise every DAY for 20 years because he refuses to believe you’re dead and he always held out hope. Also, the height difference is adorable. In contrast, Arthur and Mera felt extremely forced. Again, I realize they’re a thing ~in the comics~ so they had to do something, but it’s hard when it seems like Mera’s only reason for having feelings is because Arthur is NOT Orm. And like they have a little bit of banter and he ate flowers with her? (Again. I wish I was kidding). Now, granted, that epic underwater spinny kiss they have, while maybe inappropriately timed (hello??? BATTLE?????), was pretty great. I’m glad they got something because the rest of their moments were just…meh. “ohhh no they got scared and suddenly grabbed hands!!” “ohhhh no she slipped and fell in his arms aND Now tHEir FacEs aRE reALly clOSE!!!” Here’s hoping we get some real development for them in the next movie…

As I said earlier, the end credits song is really kind of unique? The only way I can see it making sense is if it’s about Atlanna and Tom’s relationship, which is really interesting! The song is clearly a love song, and it’s really sweet, and definitely not your typical superhero-movie-end-credits-epic-song (that comes after this one). It’s another reminder that love is the most powerful force of all, although sometimes it helps if you can communicate with sharks (Aquaman is actually a Disney Princess).

On a separate note, I really appreciate how both this movie and Wonder Woman focused on the power of love? I mean one of the last lines in this film is Arthur saying how his parents’ love “saved the world.” They never shied away from how important Atlanna and Tom’s relationship was. Which leads to a theory I have…Mera says that, roughly, marriage alliances are not forged out of love, it’s for political reasons (typical). She says it like “I’m getting married to him, of course I don’t love him.” (it’s the one moment for her I thought could really give her some interesting character stuff…I mean obviously she doesn’t love Orm, so to some degree, love could be all new to her and Arthur is like her first crush). Atlanna initially finds Tom after escaping an arranged marriage herself-what if, having known about the whole trident prophecy thing, she wanted to escape to find a human, have a kid, all while knowing that kid could unite both worlds and save everyone. She planned it all along. I’m sure she didn’t plan on actually having feelings for Tom, but I mean, her plan did work. Plus she got a sweet, devoted husband.

“OOF” MOMENT

In this segment, I will discuss a rather awkward, weird, or just kind of “oof” moment from the film. Aquaman could potentially have quite a few, and while I’m torn between a number of cheesy dialogue scenes, the eating flowers scene, and the…interesting last shot of the film that involves Jason Momoa jumping out of the water in slow motion while saying “I AM AQUAMAN” *cue guitar solo*, I’m awarding it to the introduction to Orm and Arthur’s first fight, when Arthur says “prepare him for the Ring of Fire!”

…I’m sorry, the what?

Close runner-up is when Orm says he wants to be “Ocean Master” with a straight face.

FAVORITE MOMENT

There were lots of little moments I liked, many of them in the beginning montage with Atlanna and Tom. However, I think my favorite moment is when Arthur and Mera are walking around Sicily before everything goes to hell and Black Manta shows up. There’s a cute moment when Arthur gives Mera a coin to throw in a fountain, and Mera in turn gives it to a little girl nearby. The little girl makes a wish and throws the coin, and Mera quietly does some waterbending effects that makes dolphins and sea turtles jump and dance out of the water. The little girl goes ballistic and I relate!!! If I had Mera’s powers, I’d be doing stuff like that all the time. Close runner-up is the scene with Julie Andrews as a giant sea monster. What a queen. Another close runner-up is the scene with young Arthur being bullied at the aquarium and then a shark straight-up tries to break the glass to protect him.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Overall, this is a very fun, pretty movie. There are a lot of really great moments as much as there were moments and details that frustrated me. I wanted to like Mera more, I did, they just didn’t give me anything to work with. But again, Jason Momoa absolutely steals the show as he’s meant to, and it’s nice to see him having so much fun. Plus, FISH!!! EVERYWHERE!!!! If you like superhero movies, I definitely recommend this one. If you’re not a superhero person, I think you can definitely skip it. There’s nothing in it that makes me think everyone should see it (unlike, say, Black Panther), but it’s good. Plus, if you like fish, you’ll probably like this movie. There are a lot of them!!

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

Of the trailers shown before this movie, the ones I’m definitely going to see are Glass (I really enjoyed Split and most of Unbreakable, so I’m looking forward to this one), The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (listen, if you ignore Batman and Ninjago, the first movie is still a beautifully heartfelt film about a father and son reconnecting and it’s just a fun time??), and of course, Avengers: Endgame (hope I can see through my tears). On my maybe list are Miss Bala (I mean, it basically looks like your typical big-guy action movie but centered around a woman of color, which I am all for supporting. Plus, Gina Rodriguez! I just hope the story’s good because this one looks REAL violent), Godzilla: King of the Monsters (I say reluctantly because I was not a fan of Kong: Skull Island and I haven’t seen the other Godzilla movie apparently in this universe…but this one has gigantic animal friends in it. And Millie Bobby Brown and Sally Hawkins), and Pet Sematary (this one I will probably only see if I can drag someone with me, hell no am I seeing this one alone, that trailer is creepy. I did like the reveal of the title in the trailer though, that was well done).

That’s all for this review! If you like superhero flicks or you just want a good time with a lot of fish and shirtless Jason Momoa, I say you should take yourself to the movies and see Aquaman.