Yesterday REVIEW

August 17, 2019August 17, 2019 PlayerOneLeave a comment

In a drastic genre change from our last film, let’s talk about the Beatles!

So a while ago, I took myself, the fam, and some friends to the movies (okay, technically the friends took themselves and we all met there, but I have to keep up the intro for continuity’s sake) and we saw Yesterday, a movie that answers a question I don’t think any of us even asked: what would happen if literally everyone except maybe like three people just…forgot about the Beatles?

I say this in a gently mocking tone because yeah, the movie’s premise is kind of ridiculous. I mean…what?

But with the exception of the included music by the Beatles, Yesterday is a brand-new story not based on anything except wacky imaginations and for that, it already has a good score in my book.

The rest of the good score it earned by being lovable, fun, heartwarming, thought-provoking, and a damn good time.

So what exactly happens in this movie?

THE PLOT

We start the film by following Jack (Himesh Patel), a “struggling musician” as the IMDB plot refers to him, and I mean yeah, he’s not exactly paying the bills with his music but he’s making time to do something he loves and that’s important, okay?

(This review clearly being written by a struggling artist herself, leave me alone)

Jack is close in particular with his best friend and manager, Ellie (Lily James!!! I love her!!! So much!!!!!). The two of them go around playing less-than-stellar gigs while bantering and being generally adorable.

One night, when Jack is on his way home from a festival, a world-wide blackout occurs and Jack is thrown off his bike by a bus. He wakes up in the hospital with Ellie telling him that while he is okay, he did lose his two front teeth in the fall and therefore people will definitely be laughing at him *shrug emoji*.

At his coming home party, Jack gets a few presents from friends, including a brand-new guitar from Ellie (she!! Is!!! The best!!!!). Jack plays it and sings a snippet of “Yesterday” by the Beatles, of course, but nobody recognizes it. Ellie asks him when he wrote that song, and when Jack says he didn’t…it’s by the Beatles….it’s one of the greatest songs of all time by one of the greatest bands of all time….one of his friends says, hilariously, “well it’s not Coldplay. It’s not ‘Fix You.'”

Jack has somehow woken up in a world where the Beatles never existed (along with a few other things. This is probably one of my favorite elements of the film, as Jack keeps discovering things that are now nonexistent–Coca-Cola, cigarettes, Harry Potter, so on and so forth). So now…I mean, what does he do? He’s been presented with a golden opportunity: he is the only person (so it seems) who knows all these incredible songs, and he’s always wanted to be a famous musician…

Or has he? As Jack becomes more famous with these “stolen” songs, he learns more and more what fame is really like, and he’s not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be–especially when it costs him his best friend and the love of his life.

THE REVIEW

Y’ALL.

Because the premise is genuinely just so…huh? I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect going into this film, and I was beyond pleasantly surprised. Yesterday has so much going for it, and it touches on so many things without ever becoming overwhelming or like, bad, in any way.

It’s been getting less-than-favorable reviews from what I’ve seen, which is a shame if you’re someone who only sees movies based off of what famous reviewers say. Like…listen, I love and support most of my fellow critics, but I think in the case of this movie, we all need to chill out a little.

Here’s Hollywood giving us a dorky, original storyline and y’all are like…”IT’S A BEATLES MOVIE WITHOUT THE BEATLES!!!” Like…..duh? That’s…that’s the point?? What…what did you expect??? I…I have concerns.

One review complained that the movie focused too much on Jack and not enough on Ellie, that it pushed women to the side too much. And to be fair, this movie could have had a female protagonist and nothing would have changed, I don’t think. But can we take a breath and appreciate that the movie has a POC protagonist? And that’s never presented as anything other than completely normal? Also–mixed-race romantic relationship?? ANYONE???

Look, we all have things that push us over the edge when it comes to movies. I mean…just look at my Toy Story 4 review. I get it and I admit I have that, too! But I think we need to calm down and stop cancelling things entirely just because they don’t have one thing that we think is important.

I mean, I can’t help you if your main complaint is that the Beatles weren’t in this movie because…I…that’s the whole…plot? But if your complaint is about women being pushed aside (she’s?? A major character??) or something of the like, let’s appreciate things the movie does right–because if we cancel everything that comes out of Hollywood because it doesn’t have all representation at all times, we’ll never get anything. It’s a sucky fact, but there it is.

The point is, this movie has so much to offer and I think everyone should give it a chance. If you’re still skeptical (WHERE?? ARE THE BEATLES??????) then let’s take a journey to an alternate universe together and dissect what exactly it is that makes this movie such a unique gem.

Spoiler warning is now in effect!!

THE MUSIC

Most of the music is, in fact, songs by the Beatles so we know it is, just as the movie says, great. Even my dad who admits to not being the biggest Beatles fan (please don’t come after him, it’s not his fault) still liked the movie and how it presented everything.

I guess the major complaint people have is that the songs were not played in their entirety, or something.

Which…um…I don’t know how to tell you this…this is…this is a movie? It’s….it’s not a concert? It never marketed itself as a movie musical that would feature full-length songs? And, dare I say it, the songs aren’t actually the point?

I mean, I do get it. Both Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman featured mostly full-length if not full-length versions of the songs we know and love, but the difference is that Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman were both marketed as biopics about those artists. Yesterday isn’t a biopic, it’s a quirky movie that happens to involve a plot point that uses songs by the Beatles. Did we all get this offended when Across the Universe came out??

I mean…maybe we did, I was in middle school when that movie came out and I wasn’t really down with the movie scene times.

The fact is, any time a project uses someone or something well-known and loved that has a cult following, people are going to jump on it and call it imperfect no matter what–it’s just the nature of the beast. There have been bad reviews for Bohemian Rhapsody, Rocketman, and now Yesterday because Queen, Elton John, and the Beatles are all beloved icons and everyone has an opinion about how their stories should be represented, and there’s just no way to please everyone. We’re all very picky people, unfortunately.

Now, I get wanting a biopic about the Beatles–and that’s great! But that’s not what this movie is, so maybe we all need to take a step back and stop criticizing it for something it’s not.

I have read that some people seem to be miffed because Himesh Patel sings the songs and not…the Beatles themselves, but again that’s…that’s the point? The fact that he’s singing songs that aren’t actually his is the entire plot of the movie.

All this to say, look–the music itself is the Beatles (with fun cameo songs by Ed Sheeran!) so it’s great, and it’s all sung by Himesh Patel (Lily James helps a little in the beginning) and it’s good!

All of the little instrumental interludes written by Daniel Pemberton are also great.

THE CHARACTERS

As I’ve said before, I personally can’t get behind a film if I don’t love the characters, and this movie is great at presenting a plethora of characters to love…even when they’re idiots sometimes.

Jack, our main man, is fantastic. He fits the struggling artist bill perfectly, and I didn’t find him unlikeable in any way. Is he a bit dense? For sure! But you can see why Ellie’s been in love with him forever. He’s charming, quirky, a complete dork, filled with anxiety…he’s great millennial representation, basically. Even when he gets famous and starts being really stupid, you just get the feeling that he’s overwhelmed and truly doesn’t know how to handle it all (plus he’s constantly plagued by the fact that the songs that made him famous are not his own lol #rip). In my opinion, Jack is a great protagonist to follow–this is a tricky story, because again, the Beatles are beyond beloved for the modern audience, and to have a character just steal all their songs and get famous off it is like, a crime against passion and art and beauty or whatever!!! But Jack is genuinely sympathetic. He’s a mess of a human being, and really, wouldn’t we all do the same if we were in his shoes?

(Don’t try to be all high and mighty and say you wouldn’t.)

Jack knows that the Beatles are beloved and are considered musical geniuses and icons–he says as much every time he gets interrupted when playing one of their songs. He gets the indignity of the entire situation, but he also sees an opportunity, one he’s waited for his entire life…Can we blame him, really? Plus it makes him all the more lovable when he gives the Beatles credit near the end and puts out all their songs for free for everyone. What a guy!

Ellie is perfection personified.

…alright maybe I’m biased because I’m genuinely in love with Lily James, but I really, really like Ellie as a character. Am I also biased because I, too, have been in love with an idiot for years only for it to lead to nothing because he is, in fact, an idiot? Yeah, probably. But listen–all that aside, Ellie is still just…she’s great. She’s cute, she’s confident, she’s fun, she’s supportive and smart, she’s everything Jack could want but he’s too much of an idiot to see it!! I think Ellie’s arc is really beautiful and really well done. She’s been sidelined by Jack for years, and when he continues to do that to her, she’s the one who says enough is enough, I’m tired of this, I love you but I’m moving on. She pursues a relationship with a guy who actually treats her like the goddess she is. She’s the one who stops the potential tryst with Jack in the hotel because she knows him, she knows he won’t pick her over his music. Ellie is incredibly strong and a great backbone for the movie.

Because the film is primarily a character drama focused on Ellie and Jack, the other characters don’t really mean as much. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Ed Sheeran playing himself is fantastic, and he does great. I mean he had to say “why not change the title of the iconic Beatles song Hey, Jude to Hey, Dude” with a straight face. Amazing. Iconic. 11/10.

Kate McKinnon shines as the evil, money-obsessed producer/manager that kind of answers the question “what if fame had gotten to Ellie like it did to Jack?” And it’s fantastic. She’s playing a caricature because that’s what her character is, and let’s be real, that’s what McKinnon really shines at.

Jack has a friend who steps in as manager on tour and I do not remember his name and I feel bad, but he was funny.

THE QUESTION

I will now attempt to dive deeper into all the various themes the movie covered, but again, I really think you have to see this one for yourself to fully grasp it all, because it tackles a lot in its 116-minute runtime.

So the most obvious question that even the trailer brought up: is it the music that makes the person famous, or is it the personality behind the music that brings the fame? The movie tackles this question in kind of an interesting way, and they just happen to do it with one of the most beloved bands of all time.

(How many times have I described the Beatles as “beloved” already? Is someone tallying?)

The movie suggests that it’s the music itself that is the pull, that it’s the music that is the important thing. Jack became incredibly famous as a solo artist singing songs by the Beatles. His personality didn’t matter–it was all thanks to the music. We see how much of a failure Jack was with his own songs, and it wasn’t until he started performing Beatles songs that he got noticed, got an album recorded, got noticed by Ed Sheeran, so on and so forth.

We live in kind of an unfortunate time right now, where artists and creators we love and claim to know are being accused of horrific things left and right. We’re left behind with the work they created and we have to ask ourselves…can I still enjoy this thing? Am I able to separate the creator from the creation?

Yesterday suggests that this is not only possible, but important. While a piece of the creator is always attached to whatever the creation is, it’s crucial to realize that there is something enjoyable and beautiful in the creation itself.

After Jack admits he stole all the songs and releases them for free, we see him teaching “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” to a bunch of students who are having the time of their lives. It suggests that even though Jack smothered his own name and became known as a fraud, the songs themselves remained popular and important to the culture as a whole. The world separated Jack from the music because it had to, he didn’t really give them a choice, and enjoyment could still be found.

Is this even a point the movie was trying to make? Eh, maybe not. But it’s something you can definitely glean from it, and it’s a question we have to tackle as more and more creators get famous.

We cannot idolize anyone because nobody is perfect, but that does not mean that we cannot find something beautiful in what they give us.

THE FAME

Every time another news story breaks about another Hollywood star going to rehab, or killing someone, or just being a general complete mess, my mom and I love to discuss fame as a whole. Specifically, her favorite question is this: do we naturally idolize messed-up people, or does fame take nice people and mess them up?

Yesterday suggests, thankfully, that fame tends to mess up nice people. While Jack certainly doesn’t begin perfect, he’s a nice enough person and thankful for what he has. But he’s always craved fame, and once he gets it, it absolutely destroys him and the most important relationship in his life: Ellie.

Being constantly fawned over, obsessed over, talked about, it all so easily went to his head that by the time he realized that wasn’t actually what he wanted and he wasn’t even happy? It was too late.

Every time something bad comes out about an artist we’re particularly fond of, we’re all Ellie. We think we know them, we praise them, we love them, and then suddenly, they’re not who we thought they were at all. It’s a personal blow (it actually is to Ellie because she does actually know Jack, but it feels like a personal blow to us because we feel like we actually know them).

It’s established early on that all Jack wants is to be a famous musician because he’s convinced that will make him happy. Anyone who’s ever wanted to be famous for something understands that, because the glorification of fame and famous people convinces us that that will make us happy. But when he does have all that stuff? He’s miserable.

I do think that it may have been different if he’d gotten famous off his own work rather than stolen work, because then the guilt wouldn’t have been at play as much, but the fact remains: he was still doing what he loved, and he wasn’t happy.

This all comes to a head in a really beautiful scene where Jack goes to the home of, wait for it, JOHN LENNON (played wonderfully by Rumplestiltskin himself, Robert Carlyle). Because the Beatles never existed in this alternate timeline/universe/whatever, Lennon was never famous. Instead, he spends his days in his quiet beach house, painting. Jack and Lennon have a real low key, sweet conversation about happiness. When Jack sees that Lennon is truly happy, even though he doesn’t even know what he’s missing out on in the timeline/universe/whatever where he is a Beatle and all, Jack gets it. He gets what he’s been missing out on, too.

He admits he’s a fraud. He gives away all the Beatles songs for free. He runs off with Ellie into the sunset. He becomes, I’m assuming, a music teacher. He and Ellie have kids. He’s truly and genuinely happy for…pretty much the first time the entire film.

Now, of course, I’m sure there are celebrities who are perfectly nice and wonderful and are actually happy, but…we don’t know that, do we? We don’t know anything about them except for the face they show us.

No one in the film, really aside from Ellie, knew Jack at all. They continued to not like any of the songs he actually wrote, only becoming obsessed with the Beatles songs. And that messed him up.

THE ROMANCE

So remember how in my really snarky Toy Story 4 review, I was real miffed about how the trailers really highlighted Gabby and especially Forky as key characters, and then that wasn’t really the case and it was something else entirely? A romantic drama movie masquerading as something else?

Yesterday did the complete opposite–this movie advertised as a funky little story about nobody remembering the Beatles, and then SURPRISE it’s actually?? A romance???

I mean Ellie was heavily featured in a lot of the promotional art, but I just?? Wasn’t expecting this???

What’s beautiful about the romance in Yesterday is that it actually serves a purpose. It’s a crucial part of the plot for Jack to realize how he feels about Ellie because that helps him realize what actually makes him happy and what he actually wants out of life–it completes his arc.

As cynical as I was about the romance over friendship arcs featured in How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, Avengers: Endgame, and Toy Story 4, I loved the choices made in this film to feature a romance. Like I’ve said–I’m a huge sucker for a good romantic plot when it’s done well.

What’s especially nice here is that I think it is done well. There was never a question of romance vs. friendship because it’s established from the beginning that Ellie and Jack are best friends for life first. It was developed in such a way that we knew and supported both of these characters. We weren’t robbed at all because we didn’t have to watch Jack say goodbye to his friends and run off into the sunset with some girl who got 20 minutes of screentime. Ellie and Jack have a great love story that is everything we should want–they’re best friends as well as romantic partners. And it makes sense to root for them.

It’s even realistic in that Ellie pines for him, Jack is an idiot, Ellie tells him, Jack is an idiot, they kiss but Ellie stops it going further, Jack is an idiot, Jack goes to stop her from leaving and she’s hopeful for a moment, but then Jack is an idiot, Ellie tries to move on with someone who actually thinks of her that way, Jack is an idiot, so on and so forth. I do think that a story could have been told without all the romantic drama, but it couldn’t be the same one. Ellie and Jack are so much more than romantic partners–they’re just partners. They’re best friends and soulmates. The drama is crucial for Jack to realize what it is he really wants and what it is that will actually make him happy in life.

Say what you will about cliches and romance being unnecessary, I get it. But I don’t think you could have told the same story without it. Ellie and Jack are both flawed, likable characters, and their relationship is a joy to watch from start to finish.

THE ENDING

In a time where happy endings and happy characters are not allowed in tv shows, it was like a true breath of fresh air to watch Yesterday. Jack abandons everything he thought would make him happy to embrace what truly does. He finds meaning in the people and music in his life. He knows just how soul-sucking fame can be, so he’s all the more grateful and appreciative of what he has as a teacher. He and Ellie marry, have a family, and most importantly, have each other. Jack’s picture perfect happy ending isn’t the happy ending for everyone–marriage and romance isn’t as important to some people as it is to others. But what we should focus on taking away from the ending is that finding and focusing on whatever makes you truly happy is worth more than anything.

In kind of a funny twist, the timeline never gets fixed. Or explained. Why did Jack and two other random people get transported to an alternate world where the Beatles never existed? *shrug emoji*

Why do Coca-cola, cigarettes, and Harry Potter also not exist in this world? *shrug emoji*

What…happened? *shrug emoji*

I dunno. Maybe in another timeline, I’m really pissed off about that never being explained, but here? I don’t really mind it all that much. It suggests that there’s a version of the world where everything can work out, where you can pursue happiness and actually find it…and I like that. So maybe on my own bad days, I can focus on the idea that somewhere, somehow, some version of myself is doing just fine.

Is that reading too much into it? Probably.

But I prefer movies that make me think about stuff like that, instead of stuff like “why did the dog have to get killed there was literally no reason for that also why did she paint dog blood on her face why is she like this.”

*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

This is one of those movies where I completely understand if it isn’t for you. It’s weird. It’s quirky. THEY DON’T PLAY THE FULL-LENGTH VERSIONS OF BEATLES SONGS!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

But I think if you give it a chance, you may just really enjoy it.

Or not. I don’t know you, I don’t know your life.

This movie is refreshing. It’s an original, zany idea, with good characters, and lots to think about. It’s funny. It’s ridiculous. It’s over-the-top.

Ed Sheeran is incredibly self-aware and it’s a little frightening, but good.

The scene with Robert Carlyle as John Lennon will probably make you cry.

It’s just…it’s unique. And I think Hollywood needs that right now.

Overall, I give Yesterday…

5/5 BEETLES!!!

I tried to make them look cute and appealing but they kind of just look like they want to steal your soul. just like fame wants to steal your soul.

Lily James’s outfits make up one whole beetle of that rating. Lily James herself makes up another whole beetle. Lily James is a delight, okay?

FAVORITE MOMENT:

I have?? So many??

But there’s something about that John Lennon beach house scene. It’s beautifully shot and delightful. There’s also something to be said for the scene where the only other two people who remember the Beatles confront Jack but it’s only to thank him because they miss the Beatles’ music and neither of them can sing.

“OOF” MOMENT:

When Jack left Ellie in the diner. You fool!!! Imbecile!!!! THAT WAS YOUR CHANCE YOU ABSOLUTE MONGOOSE.

Nothing against mongoose (mongeese?).

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

So we start off with The Peanut Butter Falcon which looks like it might be really super good but also could potentially be really super depressing and emotionally draining and I just have to prep for that.

Ad Astra just gets more confusing every time I see a new trailer for it. What is it about? What is happening? Space????

The Goldfinch looks absolutely incredible. I never read the book, but now I really want to. I hope it’s good.

And that about does it for this review! If you are looking for a night of escapism to a quirky, feel-good world with good characters and have I mentioned Lily James, I definitely recommend you check out Yesterday.

A Collection of Mini Reviews (Miniviews)

July 1, 2019 PlayerOne1 Comment

OH HEY EVERYONE.

So like I mentioned when I started this blog, I have that AMC A-List thing which means I have the opportunity to go see quite a lot of movies!

Which is super fun until I have absolutely no motivation to review them and then the other parts of my life start kicking up and then I get distracted by other things (namely, and I’m 100% serious: My Singing Monsters Composer. #notsponsored)…yeah.

So I finally sat down to do a tally this morning, and realized that I have seen SIX movies lately that I haven’t reviewed. Like a FOOL. Now because I don’t know how to say anything concisely, those six full-fledged reviews would take a loooooooong time. And I realized that of those six, there aren’t really any that stood out in such a significant way that I’d want to write a full-fledged review about them (with the exception of Booksmart because…Y’ALL. But in that case, just take my word for it and go see it because I cannot fully put into words how delightful it is).

So this post is a catch-up of sorts: I’m gonna do a mini review (or miniview if you will, because…reasons) for each of those six films and just crash-course them to the essentials. So without further ado, let us go!

MINIVIEW 1: BOOKSMART

MY THOUGHTS:

I cannot say enough about this movie. I have seen it three times now and I will be seeing it many more. It’s clever, it’s funny, it’s raunchy (but not too much), it’s an absolute delight from start to finish. The acting is amazing, the directing is great, it’s so beautifully shot, and the music?? THE MUSIC?? Spotify has something called “The Official Booksmart Playlist” which features all the songs used in the film plus little commentary clips from composer and arranger Dan the Automator and director Olivia Wilde, which is ridiculously fun if you’re a mega nerd like me. It’s just so obvious that so much love and care was put into this film, and it feels like a love letter to high school and buddy cop movies alike. Plus, it’s incredibly quotable. I know that I was skeptical because the trailer made it seem like…I mean it could be good, but…it could also be really not good. But it’s so, so good. Please do yourself a favor and see it. It does exactly what movies should do: allow you an escape alongside characters you can love in a story you can enjoy and appreciate.

There are so many little things that I love: the casual all-gender restroom scene, the main relationship focus being a positive and supportive female friendship, Amy doesn’t have a plot line about discovering she’s gay and dealing with that it’s just who she is, Molly doesn’t have a plot line about being plus-size and dealing with that it’s just who she is…I could go on and on forever.

Plus–IT’S AN ORIGINAL STORY!!! It’s not a remake!! It’s not a sequel!! It’s not based on a book!!! IT JUST EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The movie is shot and written in such a way that you judge all of Molly and Amy’s classmates the same way they do, so that when each classmate’s story is revealed by the end, you’re kind of ashamed of yourself for judging them like Molly and Amy do…because you experience everything with them, you feel everything with them, too. When Molly and Amy come crashing into graduation and all their classmates cheer? Iconic. You want to cheer as well. When Molly talks about each classmate and how she’s learned who they really are? You have, too! It’s such a fun way to experience the story and I just love everyone and I’M FULL OF FEELINGS.

Every character has a story that serves to flesh them out as an individual and make them likable…Unlike, say another movie I could mention…….

*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–that underwater scene at the party????? I CANNOT.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

YES.

Overall, I give Booksmart…

6/5 SCHOOL BOOKS!!!

Seriously, it’s such a good time, and it suffered at the box office opening weekend because it came out alongside Aladdin (we’ll get to that) and John Wick (we will not get to that). We want more movies like this, fam.

MINIVIEW 2: UGLYDOLLS

MY THOUGHTS:

I struggled with what to say about this one because I know it got a lot of negative reviews when it came out. I was excited because I’m generally a sucker for musical movies, I’m very nostalgic for Uglydolls, and Janelle Monáe is in it. Once I saw it, I guess the reason I didn’t relate to all the negative reviews is because like…this is very clearly a kids’ movie. You can’t review it like a movie movie because it never presents itself as such. Unlike, say, the How to Train Your Dragon franchise. HTTYD is a series for kids based off a bunch of kids’ books, sure, but it is presented in such a way with serious themes that it’s a family film, rather than a kids’ film. Uglydolls never tries to invoke serious themes like HTTYD does, or like most Pixar movies do (….most). If you just appreciate it for what it is, it’s a very well-done kids’ movie. It’s not a great adult/family movie because it never tries to be: it’s a kids’ movie, guys. Chill out.

Am I biased because Kelly Clarkson and Janelle Monáe are in it? Most definitely. But this is a solid, fun, feel-good movie.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The animation is to die for, but what really stands out to me is the overall message of the film: beauty standards are dumb.

This film serves as such a huge kick in the teeth to the beauty industry and society as a whole that I just have to applaud it? I mean the main antagonist is a white, blonde guy who decides what makes everyone else beautiful even though he looks nothing like most of them. There’s a girl who needs glasses but she’s afraid to wear them because she’s been told they make her less beautiful. All of the Uglydolls are told they’ll never be wanted because they’re not perfect enough. And even then, when they try to conform to the ridiculous beauty standards Nick Jonas’s character sets, he still doesn’t accept them. The good ending only comes when they all realize that they’re beautiful and perfect just the way they are–do you even know how important it is for kids to hear messages like that in the media? They’re growing up in a world where fat-shaming, photoshopping, and racism in the beauty industry run rampant and are hardly ever called out (although they are more so now). The more kids learn to be comfortable with exactly who they are and how they look, the less power the beauty industry has over them. And that’s phenomenal.

And to the reviewer who complained that the message of the movie was completely contradicted because the Uglydolls aren’t actually ugly, they’re adorable? That’s the whole damn point, my dear. The Uglydolls represent everyone who has been told by society that they are not enough for whatever reason, but they are enough. They’re not ugly, of course they’re not. No one is ugly. Society tries to tell us there are people who are ugly and people who are perfect, but the point is that that is not true at all: everyone is beautiful and wonderful just the way they are, no matter what.

Plus, super fun songs. I mean, Kelly Clarkson’s Moxie singing to herself “look how much you weigh! And you couldn’t look better!!” WE STAN A QUEEN.

You know what movie doesn’t have fun songs to get the message across??

…okay a lot of them don’t, but SPECIFICALLY *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Look, it’s super cute and fun. It’s sweet and pure and has really cute and genuinely funny moments (Gibberish Cat gets me every damn time) and I do think that if you have kids, they’ll enjoy it, and you might, too. Please teach the kids in your life that they are beautiful and smart and brave and wonderful just the way they are.

Overall, I give Uglydolls…

4/5 UGLYDOLLS!!!

I personally didn’t think it was the mess that reviews made it out to be. Could I be biased? 100% absolutely. So decide for yourself. AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS, WITH OR WITHOUT GLASSES OR WHATEVER.

MINIVIEW 3: DETECTIVE PIKACHU

MY THOUGHTS:

I KNEW EVERYONE WAS CRYING ABOUT THE BULBASAURS BUT THAT STILL DIDN’T FULLY PREPARE ME AND I WAS SOBBING ABOUT BULBASAURS

*ahem* So anyway.

I think Uglydolls and Detective Pikachu are similar in that they both very specifically knew their audience. Where Uglydolls was directly aimed at kids, Detective Pikachu was directly aimed at kids obsessed with Pokémon as well as adults like me who grew up with Pokémon and are fully willing to cry about Bulbasaurs.

So with all that in mind, I thought it was absolutely delightful. It was cute, well-animated and well-acted, and I just…Ryan Reynolds. As Pikachu. I never knew I needed that.

Was the plot twist completely predictable? Of course. Was it cheesy and goofy and unrealistic? 112%. But it was so much fun and just…I loved it?

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I think what made the movie work, despite the ridiculousness and the predictability and the goofiness is that it truly was a love letter to the franchise. Remember when Pokémon Go came out and we all lost our collective minds because oh my god there’s a Squirtle in my living room??! They captured that magic yet again with this film, but tenfold. So much love and care was put into every Pokémon that appeared, down to how they interacted with the modern world around them in the most minute ways. Their designs were faithful to the original but adapted just enough to make them fit in (unlike, say for example completely randomly……Sonic the Hedgehog…..)

It was literally like watching my childhood come to life on the big screen and it was just…it was amazing.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

It really depends. If you love Pokémon, absolutely. It’s so fun and precious and wonderful. But if you have no idea what Pokémon is and the entire thing about Bulbasaurs confused you, I think you can skip it. The downside of this film is that I really don’t think it has anything to offer anyone who’s unfamiliar with the franchise. But that being said, it never promised to and it doesn’t have to. It was made for people that are already fans of the franchise, and for once, it’s an adaptation that is both faithful and completely new. It’s filled with love and that is so nice to see, especially when compared to…The Sun is Also a Star. Or probably like, say, *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*. Although I don’t know for sure on that one since I came in completely unfamiliar with the source material. I just like bringing it up whenever I can.

Overall, I give Detective Pikachu….

4/5 POKÉMON THAT MADE ME CRY!!!!

Seriously. Look at that Bulbasaur. Look at his little green Bulbasaur face.

MINIVIEW 4: ROCKETMAN

MY THOUGHTS:

Let’s establish that I was probably completely biased coming into this film as well because Taron Egerton, first of all, and the love of my life Jamie Bell. That is all.

This movie is incredibly well done. I loved the framing element of Elton John being in AA as we cut back and forth to his life story, and all the music scenes with the dancing and just…it was all super fun.

I do know (because this is just what people do I guess) that a lot of people have compared this to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody and the general consensus seems to be that Rocketman is somehow better. I genuinely think the only way you can compare these films is to mention that they’re both a form of biopic documenting some iconic musicians, and also both Freddie Mercury and Elton John were in incredibly abusive relationships with their managers at one point (and they both overcame it!). But Bohemian Rhapsody was explicitly shot like a concert whereas Rocketman is explicitly shot like a movie musical, or even a music video. They have completely different points and reasons for the story being told, and one isn’t necessarily “better” than the other one. You’re welcome to like one more than the other, of course, but they’re both good movies. Bohemian Rhapsody was swarmed in controversy because of the director, but a movie is so much more than its director, and if that’s the reason you’re dismissing it, you need to rethink it. Both these films are incredibly well-done and amazing. Elton John himself had good things to say about Rocketman, and Queen themselves worked right alongside everyone for Bohemian Rhapsody.

They’re both good films, everyone. Enjoy them for what they are and form your own opinions of course–but don’t compare these two films and raise one up for the sake of knocking the other one down.

Compare them to Alita: Battle Angel and knock that one down.

(Kidding, sort of…I know lots of people really liked Alita and that is…so great for them)

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I have a huge weakness for self-love plotlines, so the whole scene near the end where Elton John got to confront everyone in his life including his own past self had me bawling. It’s a beautifully shot scene and it’s such a satisfying way to lead in to the end of the story.

Also, in general all the over-the-top dancing for the musical scenes. Super fun and ridiculous and I loved every second of it.

Also also, Taron Egerton and Jamie Bell. MY SONS.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

I think so. Even if you’re not a huge Elton John fan, you’ve likely heard at least a couple of his songs, and it’s just a good story that’s told in a beautiful and fun way.

Plus like….Taron Egerton……y’all.

(Fun Fact: this is actually the second time Taron Egerton has sung “I’m Still Standing” for a movie! I think this should be a career requirement for him from here on in)

Overall, I give Rocketman…

4.5/5 ELTON JOHN SUNGLASSES!!!

These by no means match the most fun ones both in existence and in the film, but it’s a fun taste. Go see the movie to see more of them!!

MINIVIEW 5: MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL

MY THOUGHTS:

So I will freely admit that I haven’t read reviews for this one since I wanted to go in blind, and I only saw it…last week? I think? Anyway. But I guess it’s getting bad reviews because I got a YouTube notification that was something like “why MIB: International completely bombed” and I…wasn’t aware that it had?

I went with a couple friends and we were in a BIG theatre that was completely full, and everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. This might be another example of “critics hated it because they have no souls but audiences generally liked it” (wait–do I have to count myself as a critic now? NOOOO DON’T LUMP ME IN WITH THEM).

Here’s the thing: it’s not the original movie. It can’t be. The original is iconic and hilarious and wonderful and nothing can ever be that one. What I appreciate is that this film never tries to be the original, and maybe that’s why people didn’t like it? I dunno. It is completely and fully its own story, with its own characters and own aliens and own conflicts. It’s original and unique and goofy.

It’s an incredibly fun time. All the characters are likable and fun, and I totally thought I knew the twist and I thought they were hinting at it and THEN THEY SWITCHED AROUND THE TWIST ON ME AND IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY SO THAT’S GREAT.

Is it a standout, knockout, over-the-top amazing film? Nah.

But it is well-done and a damn good time.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

There’s a light hint of it, but I am proud to report that there is absolutely no romance between Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth’s characters. Huzzah! More than anything, they have an incredible friendship and an incredible partnership.

The special effects are absolutely incredible.

Tessa Thompson wears a suit just like all the other agents (although she does have some kickass fun combat boots).

Emma Thompson is in charge of the American branch and she’s killin it.

Tessa Thompson’s character stops a fight by using relationships and a prior friendship, but she can also hold her own in a fight and she’s probably a lot more capable than Chris Hemsworth–

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.

Is this why everyone was mad? Because Tessa Thompson saved Chris Hemsworth multiple times and was probably a better agent than him? Because Emma Thompson is in a position of authority?

Ahhhhhhh it all makes sense now. It was more a Women in Black film than a Men in Black film, and that’s why people are pissed…

I mean no one seemed to be mad about Alita being all kickass and whatever in her movie…is it because her character was presented in a much more sexualized way than the women in MIB: International were? Yeah. Yeah that’s it probably.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Yep. Not only is it a fun time, it’s also pissing off older white guys because it has powerful female characters! So go support it!!

(Also–if you were worried like I was that Kumail Nanjiani’s mini alien character would just be annoying the whole time, rest assured that he was genuinely entertaining and extremely lovable and fun)

Overall, I give Men in Black: International…

3.75/5 MIB SUNGLASSES!!

I know I did sunglasses for Rocketman but like…it’s MIB…I couldn’t not…..

MINIVIEW 6: ALADDIN

MY THOUGHTS:

Like many of Disney’s upcoming live-action remakes (Lady and the Tramp??? REALLY???) I was convinced this was completely unnecessary and I was not excited for this…like at all.

I knew I should see it probably, but I kept avoiding it because like…eh. I really love the original animated movie, and this just didn’t look like it offered anything new.

Maybe it’s because I went in with such low expectations, but I’m happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It wasn’t like, absolutely amazing by any means, but I actually kinda liked it.

This is mostly due to Naomi Scott’s Jasmine, but we’ll get to her.

The additions to the story and the costumes are both beautiful, and if anyone can perform the genie instead of Robin Williams, it’s Will Smith. It’s a fun, quirky time and a really lovely film. Not incredible, but definitely good, actually. Again, though, I set the bar real low going into it.

Oddly enough, I think one of the low points of the film was actually Aladdin himself? Not that he wasn’t great, Mena Massoud did an excellent job, but the character himself was just kinda…there. Plus–have you seen Massoud’s natural curly hair?? So much better than what we got in the movie. I think they were trying to make him look like the animated version, but they already changed so much else, just let us have his natural curly hair!!! He is so lovely!!! GIVE US THE CURLS!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

NAOMI SCOTT’S PRINCESS JASMINE. HANDS-DOWN.

I mean, she was good during the whole of the story, but when she sang “Speechless” and literally disintegrated all the men in her life telling her what to do?? ICONIC AND AMAZING AND SHE IS EVERYTHING.

Unsurprisingly, the guys who wrote “Speechless” also wrote the songs for The Greatest Showman (YAAAAAAAS) and La La Land (…meh). It’s an incredible standout power ballad that takes Jasmine’s character from decent to incredible. She takes center-stage in the best way, and all the little girls that wanna be Jasmine for Halloween this year? It’s gonna mean something completely different–it’s gonna mean being a princess who will not be silenced and will take power to do good.

Genuinely by the end I didn’t want Jasmine to end up with Aladdin because she doesn’t need him?? Like they can be bros I guess but she quite literally don’t need no man. This film should have been called Jasmine. She 100% stole the show and turned it into something else entirely in the best way possible.

Unlike, say, another movie named after the main girl….*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–lots of fun political commentary if you know where to look. Especially if you wanna make parallels between Jafar and…someone else…

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Actually, yeah. This movie did what a remake should do (if remakes should do anything, that is, since many are unnecessary): it pays homage to what made the original so good while also adding something completely new that both makes this version good, too, while setting it apart as something different.

It’s a good time, and if you were skeptical like I was, you may just find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Also–you have to experience “Speechless.” You don’t watch or listen to “Speechless”–you experience it. No, really.

Overall, I give Aladdin (which should really be called Jasmine)…

3.5/5 HAPPY GENIE LAMPS!!!

Like I’ve said for some past films, it’s good. It’s not great, but it’s good.

TRAILERS WE HAVEN’T DISCUSSED YET:

K, crash course trailers, here we go:

1. Sonic the Hedgehog–release has been delayed because of the public outcry over Sonic’s…unique design. Fingers crossed they treat the animators/designers fairly and let them eat during all of this, but probably not. Jim Carrey as Eggman looks worth the price of admission alone, I love my son.

2. Godzilla: King of the Monsters–I know we have discussed this one, but there’s a new trailer where one of the scientist guys introduces Godzilla by breathily saying “Zillaaaaaaaaa” and it’s just…it’s the strangest and funniest thing ever.

3. Yesterday–I’m going to see this hopefully soon!! I love the premise and I hope it’s really good and fun like it looks. Plus, Lily James ❤

4. Blinded by the Light–uhhhhhhhh a movie by the team that made Bend It Like Beckham???? I AM SO THERE?????

5. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil–I’m curious to see what they do with this one because a sequel is so incredibly unncessary?? This is like if they announced a sequel to Toy Story 3, I mean, all the loose ends were tied up in a perfect way and it’s so good the way it is, what could you possibly–…oh, wait.

6. Crawl–Yeahhhh this is a big nope from me. This is like Anxiety: The Movie, and I’m not about that life. I barely survived watching Pet Sematary alone you guys, how on earth do you expect me to do survival-crocodile-jumpscare movie?? I do really like how the music for the trailer is all made by like, rhythmic water drips and flashlight-winding. That’s kind of fun.

7. Child’s Play–WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?? Really though, it looks like they updated the idea so that Evil Doll Chucky is connected to a sort of smart-home system, so it’s like…they update the horror story so it’s relevant to right now?? Fascinating. Also, absolutely horrifying. I don’t care how much I love you Mark Hamill, I refuse.

8. Where’d You Go, Bernadette–This is probably better than the trailers make it seem (also, that last trailer gives away?? Everything??). I love me some Cate Blanchett, and this just looks like a really delightful and fun heartwarming story about family or whatever.

9. Angel Has Fallen–I think this is the one where the president is attacked and the guy who saves him is under arrest for some reason and there were a lot of explosions?? I guess this is a sequel, and I honestly have no desire to see either one of these.

10. The Art of Racing in the Rain–YO CATCH ME CRYING IN THE THEATER WHEN THIS MOVIE COMES OUT, THIS BOOK IS SO INCREDIBLY GOOD AND I AM SO READY TO SOB ABOUT A DOG WHO LOVES RACE CARS ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

11. Judy–I don’t have strong feelings about this one, but I’m sure it’s another well-made biopic about an icon and all that. I’ll probably see it.

12. The Kitchen–this looks like it could be really good and fun (but like, also violent) and I think I’ll try to see it.

13. Terminator: Dark Fate–mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

14. Maiden–This looks absolutely fascinating. I’m all about stories of women who blazed the trail in a male-dominated field for other women. Also like–boats!!

OKAY. That should be everything so we’re all caught up now. I think I’m gonna try to see Toy Story 4 this afternoon, or possibly tomorrow, and then that review WILL BE UP BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I SWEAR. REALLY I DO.

If these films are still playing where you are, check them out! I don’t regret seeing any of them, and they’re all enjoyable in their own way (particularly Booksmart).

Avengers: Endgame REVIEW

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019 PlayerOne1 Comment

It’s finally here!

Yay!

…I guess!

I gotta say, it was a bit of a challenge carving out a three-and-a-half-hour block from my dad’s and my schedules to go see this finally, but we did!

And…I mean it’s definitely a movie!

Endgame is the culmination of a whole lotta Marvel cinematic universe films, all leading up to this huge and ridiculously long finale. The pressure was certainly on for the Russo brothers, directing this super monstrosity of a movie.

Did it live up to the massive hype surrounding it?

…

I mean let’s save my opinion for later.

NOTE: I will try to keep the following two sections as spoiler-free as possible, as always, but if you really want to see this film, it’s probably best to go in completely blind. Unless you’re like me, and you actually prefer having spoilers sometimes so you know what you have to put up with. I didn’t get that for Endgame, and…well…

NOTE 2: After completing this post and going back to re-read it, I have decided that I think you should have this movie spoiled for you. There’s nothing groundbreaking about it, and the whole spoiler campaign was just so you would throw more money at the production companies. Don’t do that.

NOTE 3: Also also, the first half of this review is mostly incoherent rambling and angry ranting because…well, you’ll see. The second half is a lot more poetic. This movie brought out a lot of different sides of me. Oh well.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. Spoiler warning. But also like…it’s whatever.

THE PLOT

The film actually starts back before the big ol’ snap that ruined everything, with Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) having a peaceful, fun BBQ with his family–so you know everything’s about to go wrong. And it does! His entire family disappears because of the snap. So. Yeah.

Then we cut to: the rest of the team! Following the rather catastrophic events of Avengers: Infinity War, the team is a bit of a mess. Luckily, they’re able to locate Thanos (Josh Brolin) by reading some kind of unique energy signature that the infinity stones give off. They trace him to some other planet where he’s set up some kind of peaceful farm life for himself, but the Avengers ain’t havin it.

Determined to reunite the stones to bring back everyone they lost, they drill Thanos about the location of the stones. Thanos, rather frustratingly, admits that he actually used the stones…to destroy the stones. Their work was done, he says, so he nearly destroys himself in the process destroying the stones.

Fed up, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) slices his head off. Ha. Get it. Because if only he’d done that last movie, everything would have been fine. Ha. HAHA.

We then cut to 5 years later, and everything is…it’s still a mess. The team has all but separated. Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) remains at the Avengers base, overseeing operations of…some kind from afar, determined to keep making a difference. I guess now she suddenly has some plot line about feeling useless and needing to be a hero, and literally the only reason this is suddenly introduced is for the ridiculous “payoff” later on.

BUT I DIGRESS, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Anyway, Captain America/Steve Rogers/Cap (Chris Evans) shows up and is all “I love pretending everything is fine, don’t you?” Basically everyone’s just really depressed.

At some point we cut to some kind of…impound lot? Storage lot? I dunno. Anyway, it’s the Ant-Man van! A rat is moving about the dashboard, accidentally activates the quantum realm portal, and suddenly iiiiiiiit’s Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd)!

Lang, having been in the quantum realm since the end of his second movie (Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and Dr. Pym (Michael Douglas) were supposed to bring him back, but they, too, disappeared in the snap), is a little disoriented. For Lang, it hasn’t been 5 years, only about 5 hours or so. He races around, trying to figure out what’s happening, and stumbles across a…very detailed memorial for all those lost in the snap (I mean, they go out of their way to show what a post-apocalyptic setting we’re in since we lost half of all life, but somehow we were able to build such a detailed, nice-looking memorial? Did they just need some way for Lang to see his name and freak out? Yeah. Yeah that’s it). Confused because he finds his own name there, Lang heads to Avengers HQ.

Lang is hyped because he thinks there has to be some way to go back in time and fix everything. After all, time works differently in the quantum realm, so there must be some way for it to work! But they need a real man of science on this: they need…Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.).

Aforementioned Stark is living out his days in a very peaceful cabin in the woods with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) and their daughter, Morgan (Lexi Rabe). Having been brought back from space and the literal edge of death five years prior by Captain Marvel (Brie Larson–by the way, don’t get used to her. She does almost nothing in the movie, despite being advertised as a major player), Stark isn’t really keen on abandoning this family he finally has to go chasing down bad guys on a hunch that may not even work.

The team is distressed, but they ultimately leave Stark alone to find the other science man on the team: the Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Banner has…somehow…managed to figure out how to be both Hulk and himself at…the same time? Anyway. Banner’s down to help, but he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing, and he says as much. The team doesn’t care–they want their friends back.

Stark, meanwhile, has been unable to stop thinking about this whole time travel thing. He uses Friday (Kerry Condon) to run different…tests…of some sort. I dunno, it’s time travel, so it’s not explained in a way that us normal folk can understand. He somehow figures it out though, I guess, and he tells Pepper that if she doesn’t want him to go, he won’t. Pepper, knowing him really well, tells him to go.

Stark shows up just in time, as Banner turned Lang into a baby, an old man, a kid, and finally himself again. They hunt down some other team members, including Hawkeye who is an assassin suddenly? And Thor who um…wears a fat suit the entire film. Yyyyep.

Anyway, they figure out that there are basically four different timelines they need to go to in order to steal the Infinity Stones before Thanos is able to gather them. There’s some kind of half-assed explanation given as to why they can’t just go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby, which I’ll get into later. Basically, they decide that the only thing they can do is get the Infinity Stones first, snap to bring everyone back, and then destroy the stones.

Of course, nothing goes according to plan, and three hours of ~hilarity~ ensues.

THE REVIEW

I wanted to like it. I really did.

I think part of the problem is that it was so hyped up. I mean even after it was finally out and people were screaming to “not spoil the endgame,” positive reviews and incredible box office returns were flooding the Internet. How could you not be excited even as a casual Marvel fan??

The problem with hype is that it inevitably leads to disappointment. With so many fans, there’s just no way to please them all, and I get that. It just sucks being in the demographic that dislikes it– these characters you’ve come to love are handled in a way that’s just disappointing to you. But everyone else seems to like it, so maybe it’s just you…

Anyway. I wanted to like it. I really didn’t.

And the thing is…I kind of liked the first 2/3 of it? I love time travel plots, and it was so fun seeing the callbacks to previous films and characters (especially ones I actually liked). I loved seeing how the characters dealt with the events of Infinity War. I mean, they lost, and they’ve never really lost before? And they all handled it so differently.

But I realized as the movie went on and more and more plot twists occurred…I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. Things were happening left and right that were never explained, tons of pointless things happened, characters were poorly handled, and the movie broke its own established time travel rules?? I just…why?????

The other disappointing thing has been the creators’ responses to the questions. Instead of saying things like “I see how it could be interpreted this way, and while that wasn’t our intention, we’re sorry for the hurt that may have caused” they say things like “no no no, you’re wrong, this is what it means and we’re right and you’re wrong because we made it and you didn’t, now shut up and go buy another movie ticket.”

(Okay slight paraphrasing, but you get the idea)

I just left the theater feeling really disappointed and honestly really angry. I just felt like Infinity War was handled relatively well, and don’t even get me started on how great Civil War was…but this just…eh.

Again, I liked parts of it!

But the rest of it really killed the movie for me.

So here’s the deal: because this damn movie is three hours long, it doesn’t really make sense to split up the categories like I usually do because there’s just too much information. That, and these are characters who’ve been in plenty of other films prior to this, so…well, we’ll get there. What I’ll do is simply talk about sections I liked (there aren’t a lot) and sections that disappointed me (there are many). So without further ado…major, major spoiler warning now in effect.

(But really like…it’s genuinely not that big of a deal. Seriously. Spoil yourself. This movie doesn’t deserve all the secrecy it had surrounding it to force you to buy a movie ticket)

THE TIME TRAVEL

So let’s start with probably the biggest elephant in the room: the time travel.

Because we needed to have some all-out epic battle at the end involving Thanos, we couldn’t have the Avengers simply go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby. You can’t do that because superhero fans don’t pay to see plots that make sense, they pay to see epic battles!!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!!

*ahem* anyway, because of that, the time travel plot line is basically explained as such: everything you think you know about time travel because of incredible movies like Back to the Future is WRONG. Going back in the past to change something doesn’t change anything in your future…because I guess then that past becomes your future, so nothing actually changes because it’s just your future as always? Anyway, the idea is that when you change something in the past, you actually just end up creating an entirely different, separate timeline. So the idea is that even if they want back, killed Thanos as a baby…that would just create a different timeline where baby Thanos died, but when they went back to their own time, the snap will still have occurred and all their friends are still gone. Thanos wasn’t killed as a baby in their timeline, he was killed in a different one.

So they decide instead, they need to go back in time and steal the infinity stones before Thanos can get them and snap to bring all their peeps back. Now, of course, they don’t consider the possibility that Thanos from the past they go to will figure out what they’re doing and confront them and just take the Infinity Stones that THEY’VE GATHERED FOR HIM, LIKE IDIOTS. Nah. They don’t even consider that.

So of course that’s exactly what happens.

There are…there are a lot of frustrating things about this that I can talk about, so let’s make a list:

1. It is so, so frustrating to me that they never even consider the possibility that a past version of Thanos will confront them. Like…I mean I get that they have a lot on their minds but really???

2. The movie really yada-yadas over the whole “Pym Particles” thing. Basically, they need these particles to travel around in time as well as whatever code Stark cracked. Of course, they only have just enough of these particles for one round trip through time for each of the heroes. Like…I get that they can’t get more because Dr. Pym was snapped, but…they can’t just go back in time and get more from a different version of Pym? I mean they do that later in the film only after everything has gone wrong, but they couldn’t like…do that? The movie only says that the Infinity Stones are what need to be returned to their respective timelines, not any other objects, so like…just go get a lot of Pym Particles in case something goes wrong…? Whatever.

3. Nebula (Karen Gillan) was one of my favorite characters in Infinity War and Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, and she was a complete idiot in this movie. I mean…not only did she know that a past version of Thanos was also looking for the stones in one of the timelines they had to travel to, but she also knew the sacrifice required to get the soul stone and SHE DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ANY OF THEM??? I mean jeez Nebula, that is all information that WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL YESTERDAY. If she had just happened to mention “okay by the way, my dad will also be looking for the stones when we go back to 2014, so just we should keep that in mind. Oh also, past me will also be looking, and since I’m a robot and he can read my memories, I should probably stay behind because past me and current me may be connected and Thanos may be able to figure stuff out from current me’s memories. Oh also also, the soul stone requires you to sacrifice something you love, so maybe we should come up with a game plan for that before we go galavanting off in time. Just maybe.”

4. Cap…*sigh*. This is where the movie unhelpfully breaks its own time travel rules. Cap is sent back (alone for some reason?) to return all the stones to their correct timelines so that …something doesn’t happen. I dunno. So the idea is that he disappears from the platform, and though it’ll be longer for him, he’s supposed to reappear on the platform in the current timeline in 5 seconds. Which…he doesn’t. Instead, Bucky (Sebastian Stan) notices someone sitting on a bench down by the water. Sam (Anthony Mackie) goes to investigate only to discover it’s Cap!! But…old! Apparently Cap went back and then just decided to find Peggy (Hayley Atwell) again and live out his days with her, and then he shows up here and hands off his shield to Sam. It’s a sweet scene but…hang on. If Cap went back to be with Peggy, therefore changing the past, he should be in a completely different timeline now, right? He wouldn’t be able to show up on that bench in the current timeline because he’s not a part of it anymore…right? Please? Somebody? It makes no sense!

I just…my head hurts.

But since the movie doesn’t really bother to explain time travel and then breaks its own time travel rules, I guess we don’t need to worry about it, either. Whatever. Nothing matters.

THE SOUL STONE

Just thinking about this genuinely exhausts me.

Okay…so we got introduced to the soul stone in Infinity War. The idea is that the soul stone demands a soul, a soul for a soul, so on and so forth, sacrifice, huzzah. To prove you’re “worthy” or whatever, you have to sacrifice something you love in order to obtain the stone (sidenote: the wording is always something you love, not someone…so like, could you sacrifice an object and no one would have to die? Your favorite food? Your laptop? I know it’s all “a soul for a soul” but in that case the wording should really be more clear and they should say someone you love. Anyway. I’m getting nit picky now. Moving on).

In Infinity War, the stone is used as a plot point to both kill Gamora (Zoe Saldana) and try to give some humanity to Thanos, I guess, but it fails spectacularly. We’ve already watched Thanos kill all of Gamora’s own people, kidnap her, and abuse her and her sister, and now we have to feel sorry for him because he ultimately murdered her?

No. Sorry.

Anyway, so the frustrating thing here is that Natasha and Clint don’t know this. Because again, NEBULA DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL THEM.

So they head to retrieve the stone with absolutely no idea what it will cost. But the really sucky part is that we as the audience know. So we know before they even meet Red Skull (Ross Marquand) that one of them isn’t getting out of there alive and that just…really sucks. The build-up in Infinity War worked much better because we didn’t know what was coming–unless you read the comics I guess but anyway.

Once they do figure it out, both Natasha and Clint are so full of Hero Complex (TM) that they fight each other in order to sacrifice themselves. Ultimately, they’re both hanging off the edge, and Natasha kicks herself off, forcing Clint to let go of her…and she dies. Clint gets the stone. Yay, I guess.

There are a couple really stupid things about this.

1. Why is it that both characters we’ve seen be sacrificed to the soul stone are women? Why? Is it because women are the more disposable characters? Because they’re not as developed as the men? Because they don’t bring in the big bucks? IS IT BECAUSE OF SEXISM?? Both characters who died here were strong, powerful, no-nonsense women who still had a lot to offer, and instead, they die. Gamora’s death is genuinely sad because she’s straight-up murdered, but Natasha…

2. I am damn sick of heroic sacrifices. It’s just glorified suicide, fam. The whole entire reason Natasha was suddenly feeling useless on the team is that so her death here could be “justified.” See? She’s not useless after all! She can kill herself so that the team can get the magical stone! And it’s okay because she doesn’t have a family like Clint does, so ultimately, it’s just heroic all the way around! Do you know what that tells little girls who admire the Black Widow character? That ultimately, the only thing you can do to be useful is sacrifice yourself? Especially if you’re not living the Ultimate American Dream by having a perfect family and kids?? Have we forgotten everything she did in the past movies??? Yeah. We have.

3. As I mentioned earlier, it’s established that Clint has a family and Natasha doesn’t. When asked if there’s any family she has that they can contact, Banner says that they were her family. They don’t get to be with her anymore, but Clint gets to be with his wife and kids again, so everything’s fine. So…what, found family doesn’t matter as much as blood? That’s nice. This is also coming after the reveal that Natasha was operated on so she can never have kids, and she calls herself a monster because of this. Ummmmm…I have several questions…

4. So…again, in Infinity War, Thanos straight up pushes Gamora off the cliff, thereby actually sacrificing her…so it makes sense when he gets the stone. But Clint doesn’t do that…? Clint doesn’t want to let go of Natasha–she’s the one who kicks off the cliff and forces him to let go of her! She literally kills herself!! Clint didn’t sacrifice shit!!! How does he get the stone after this?? It makes ZERO. SENSE.

I just…this was stupid. It just was. Also–it’s implied that even with ~time travel magic~, they can never get Natasha back because the stone says so I guess? Of course. What even are the rules?? ARE THERE ANY???

No.

THE CHARACTERS’ TREATMENT

So here’s the thing: some of the characterization work was wonderful.

I think it’s why the time hopping segment was my favorite–it was finally, finally like I was watching an Avengers movie. Look at Steve and Tony bantering like always! Look at Banner trying to awkwardly science his way out of non-science situations! Look at Clint and Natasha being friends again! Look at Lang being just an incredibly awkward dork! Look at the teamwork! Ahhhhhh!!

But it’s like everything fell apart in the third act. Like I’m glad that Clint spent the rest of the film absolutely haunted over Natasha’s death even though he was reunited with his family, but you’re honestly going to tell me he didn’t make damn well sure they had a funeral for her like they had for Tony? I guess you could say it’s because he still hadn’t come to terms with her death but like…he did though? He understands she can’t come back (even though I don’t) and he talks about how he wished she knew they had won. He gets it. He also knows Natasha better than anyone else, he knows how much the Avengers meant to her. Why wouldn’t he make sure they have a funeral for her, too?

Don’t even get me started on Captain Marvel. They built up her being in the film and the she’s barely onscreen?? I know it’s because “oh it’s supposed to be the send-off film for the original heroes, she’s not one of them so” like that’s fine but then ADVERTISE IT THAT WAY. This film was not advertised as a “send-off for the original heroes” it was advertised as the “ultimate superhero event” which implies that ALL THE HEROES PARTICIPATE. “But she does participate! She destroys Thanos’s ship and fights him one-on-one!” Yeah, she does! And that all makes sense for her character! What doesn’t make sense is Thanos randomly knocking her out? She’s supposed to be the “most powerful character in the MCU” and she just…got knocked out by one stone? The only reason, THE ONLY REASON, she does not play a bigger role in dispatching Thanos is because the narrative says it has to be one of the original heroes since it’s their send-off. Does it make sense at all when looking at the characters, the narrative up to this point, and the rules set down by the movie itself? No.

And Cap?? CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS AMERICA, CAPTAIN “TILL THE END OF THE LINE,” CAPTAIN “HAVE TO FOCUS ON SAVING THE FUTURE,” CAPTAIN PULLED A LITERAL HELICOPTER OUT OF THE AIR IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD…then just straight-up abandons that friend. Look–I think Steve’s arc with Peggy is wonderfully tragic. I love the idea of time travel opening up a chance for him to be with her, I do. But having him stay there and live out his life? It completely invalidates all his character development involving her up to this point. Her funeral? Pointless. All his personal work on remembering her forever but healthily moving on? Forgotten. He claims he’d do anything for Bucky, his best friend, and he just leaves him behind to go live an entire life without him. He does that to not one good friend, but two! Neither Sam or Bucky deserves that, and that is so, so out of character for Cap. I can believe he’d go back to dance with Peggy-maybe–but he would not stay with her. He would not abandon his friends, his family like that. He did so much to find them again and then he just…abandons them. And Bucky and Steve don’t even talk when Cap is all old or whatever?? Ridiculous.

An interesting point made by YMS on YouTube is that Thanos is especially frustrating in this film because he has no relationship with our heroes. The obnoxious guy from Infinity War who, while still not sympathetic despite filmmakers’ efforts, had a personal seething hatred for each of the Avengers for a specific reason? He was killed within the first…what, 20-30 minutes of the movie? Probably less. It all blurs together when the movie is three hours long. The Thanos they fight at the end of the movie is from the past, and while they know him, he doesn’t know them at all. He knows of them, he knows what they’ve done because of Nebula’s memories, but he doesn’t know them. The battle is kind of half-hearted because he isn’t a personal villain anymore–he’s just annoyed at everyone trying to stop him and that makes him extra annoying. I mean damn, I know he’s not supposed to be likable, but at least make him a good villain for the heroes.

And Tony…Tony getting to make some sort of peace with his dad during the time travel segment was wonderful. Every time we see him be a little more emotional rather than snarky, it’s nice. Like he’s super snarky and sarcastic, but he’s also incredibly soft and loving (fun fact: apparently there’s a clip of Tony kissing Peter on the head when they finally reunite and the Russo brothers cut it because heaven forbid our male heroes have feelings I guess MASCULINITY YEAH and Robert Downey Jr. is mad they cut it. GOOD). It’s one reason why his ultimate sacrifice or whatever is so stupid.

Do you know how many times Tony Stark should have died by now? His whole arc was about finding something to live for. His first sacrifice attempt in the first Avengers makes sense with his arc because he wasn’t quite there yet…this team, these friends, Pepper, adopted son Peter Parker, biological daughter Morgan Stark, he learns that they are all what make life worth living. “Oh but he didn’t have a choice, Dr. Strange told him that there was only one outcome where they win, and it was the one where he dies!”

Nuh-uh.

THE ENDING

The ending of this movie genuinely exhausts me and I hate having to revisit it. As problematic as he sometimes was, as over-the-top ridiculous and selfish, Tony Stark was a great, great character. He was probably my favorite. So yes, some of my anger over the ending purely comes from watching my favorite character die. I mean, it’s never fun, but at least sometimes it’s “justified” at least.

This was not. At all.

Like I mentioned before, Tony Stark has had several very close brushes with death. Most of the Avengers have, really, but Tony’s relationship with it has always been stronger than the others. He should have died in that raid in the beginning of Iron Man. But he didn’t. He should have died when Obadiah ripped out his arc reactor and left him. But he didn’t. He should have died on accident testing out his different suits, honestly. He should have died in Avengers when he flew that missile through the portal. He should have…he should have…he should have…

But he didn’t. Unlike the other Avengers (except for perhaps Black Widow (also maybe Bruce Banner?) but we’ll never know now will we), his story starts with death and it looms over him his entire arc. What is his worst fear when Wanda invades his mind in Age of Ultron? That his team dies. His family. And he’s left alone. Why does he engage in this feud with Cap and Bucky? Because Bucky (albeit brainwashed) was responsible for Tony’s parents’ death, leaving him alone. And Cap knew. What haunts him most after Infinity War? That he watched Peter Parker die in front of him while he could do absolutely nothing about it. He couldn’t stop Peter from dying alone. He couldn’t stop Peter from leaving him alone when he died.

There’s a consistent pattern in Tony’s character arc that was completely thrown out the window with the ending of Endgame. Tony is found at the beginning of the movie, brought back from the brink of death yet again, and he has a chance to start a family. It’s pretty insulting that Clint’s family is built up as this big character point for him, the reason he does everything, the reason Natasha sacrifices herself, and he gets to reunite with them like everything’s fine…while Pepper has to explain to their young daughter that Tony is never coming back. Clint’s family reunion feels hollow in comparison, like it’s wrong to enjoy it. And I’m sure Clint felt the same way–he’s so guilty over Natasha’s death that you can’t honestly tell me he wouldn’t understand how lucky he is to be with his family but how awful it is that Tony can’t be with his–but they don’t bother showing that in the movie.

There’s nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

I’ve mentioned The Magicians before, but I’ll bring it back now in more detail because it unfortunately fits this same situation and trope. Spoilers if you haven’t seen the season 4 finale of Syfy’s The Magicians.

The main character in The Magicians is Quentin. Quentin is, canonically, suicidal and depressed. We meet him in a mental institution where he checked himself in. His depression and his suicidal tendencies are brought up throughout the run of the show. The show runners were praised for featuring a main character who suffers from such things. In the final “battle” of season 4, Quentin uses magic in the “mirror world” knowing full-well that it may cost him his life, but it will save his friends. He dies. He is shown how his friends are remembering him, he is told how much he changed their lives, he is told how loved he was. And then that’s it.

No matter how the show runners tried to phrase it in interviews, there’s no getting around the fact that Quentin ultimately committed suicide. In the afterlife, he flat-out says “did I save my friends…or did I finally find a way to kill myself?”

The idea of the heroic sacrifice trope is nice, I’ll admit, since it seems like such a logical peak for a heroic arc; but it’s so overused by this point that we all expect it. How many movies do we assume the character is dead after they make some sort of sacrifice? Usually they’re not actually dead, but lately, creators seem to think that that’s not “shocking” enough, and what audiences really want is to watch their favorite heroes actually die. At least it’s heroic!! And it’s subversive!! No one ever does that!! I know they have friends and family and a great character arc that involves not wanting to die but that was all for shock value!!!!

There is nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

“But it’s realism! People die in real life all the time! Not everyone can survive, I mean come on!”

Okay first of all: you really wanna talk to me about realism in your stories about magic, scientists who become big green monsters when they get angry, people who get superpowers from spider-bites, and gods of thunder and mischief? Really?

Secondly–there’s a great G.K. Chesterton quote that Neil Gaiman paraphrases in Coraline that reads: “fairy tales are more than true–not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.”

I don’t need my very unrealistic media to tell me that sometimes people die. I’m well aware of that fact, believe me. What I want to see is people like me who, against all odds, are able to overcome things like that. In a universe with time travel, super-beings, and TALKING TREES, it’s almost insulting to be told that the ONLY time where the Avengers won and Thanos was beaten is the time where Tony sacrifices himself.

And the only reason they did it that way is because Tony Stark had to have a send-off. But he couldn’t have a happy send-off like Captain America, filled with dances and love and peace, oh no. Tony, who has feared death his whole life, had to die. He leaves behind a wife, a young daughter, and a band of fiercely upset friends. His family. There is no reason why Captain Marvel, the “most powerful hero in the MCU,” couldn’t have wielded the stones instead of Tony. Tony Stark is still a human. Captain Marvel is not–she can fly through space without a helmet and fly through an entire alien ship to destroy it. She could easily have wielded the stones and survived (yeah it almost killed Thanos and Hulk to do it BUT IT DIDN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HUMAN). The only reason she didn’t is because they needed some subversive perma-death and what better way to wrap up this Marvel arc than by killing off the man who started it all?

I genuinely don’t want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home at this point because that means I have to watch precious, deserves-so-much-better-than-this Peter Parker deal with yet another father figure’s death. It was hard enough watching Tony deal with Peter’s death. But they got one hug–and now Peter lost someone else. No wonder he doesn’t want to bring the spider-man suit on the school trip, I wouldn’t wanna be Spider-Man after that either.

…also, can we talk about Tony’s funeral? How absolutely no one is crying? How all the characters just stand there in black looking solemn? TONY’S OWN DAUGHTER ISN’T EVEN CRYING.

There is no reason why Tony Stark couldn’t have quietly retired from being Iron Man to live out his days peacefully with his family. He’d already done it for 5 years. If anyone deserves a soft epilogue, it is Tony Stark.

WRAPPING UP

Look, this movie has three full hours of material for me to be upset about, and clearly, I am.

There are still things I loved. Time travel plot? Fun! Wacky! Needlessly ridiculous!

Thor crowning Valkyrie as the new leader of Asgard? Perfect! She deserves it! Excellent!

All the women heroes (except Black Widow and Gamora since they’re only good for sacrifices) teaming up to get Captain Marvel across the battlefield? Unbelievably wonderful! Give me a movie of just that! Incredible!

Special effects? It’s a very pretty movie! It all looked very super!

But none of that makes up for the mess that is the final product. There are so many plot holes (Natasha killed herself so Clint never made a sacrifice and still got the stone? Cap took Mjolnir back in time with him and then…what? How was Nebula able to just stick her tech fingers in the time travel machine and bring Thanos? Why didn’t Nebula warn anyone about past Thanos or the Soul Stone sacrifice? Why did Cap abandon Bucky and Sam? Why was no one crying at Tony’s funeral? Why did no one use actual teamwork on Thanos like they did in Infinity War because that was the closest they ever got to being able to take the gauntlet off? I could keep going but I digress).

I think that superhero movies can be phenomenal. Look at Black Panther. Look at Avengers. Look at Iron Man. But I genuinely think it’s difficult to write a big superhero mashup movie because…there are too many superheroes. Seriously. It’s hard to write a villain that can genuinely overpower all of those super beings. It’s probably why Captain Marvel was MIA the whole movie. It’s why no actual teamwork was used. It’s why Tony Stark “had to die.” Superheroes, in their own universes, have powers that are explained and make sense (generally). It’s exciting to think of combining those heroes and having them team up to face off against a villain, but there are so many rules and powers that it’s hard to keep track of them all.

Generally, I feel like Endgame had a whole lot of excitement building up to it, and it just fell flat. It’s crushing box office records and that makes sense, it’s not so much a movie as it is an event. It’s not so much a movie as it is a chance to show off the special effects (and they were great!). It’s not so much a movie as it is a money-maker.

But there has to be more to a movie than just the visuals and the audio. You can decorate a cardboard box to look like the most appetizing cake in the world, but at the end of the day, you’re just going to be eating pretty cardboard.

The point of Endgame was not to tell a story. It was not to tie up loose ends. It was not to give satisfying conclusions to the character arcs of the original heroes who are leaving. The point was to make money. The point was to sell tickets. The point was to be a product.

And it worked.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Like I said, I have a couple favorites, but I am such a sucker for the trope of “WE HAVE A CLEAR PLAN IT IS FOOL-PROOF” and then it’s followed by “THIS IS ALL WRONG WE ARE THE FOOLS!!!”

It was the one part of the movie that was just fun and hopeful, even when everything went sideways and hilarity ensued.

“OOF” MOMENT

Too many to name, so instead have a happy Tony Stark. That’s what I’d rather have tbh.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

No.

I mean I know a lot of people like it, but I also know that some have had the same complaints and reactions that I did. And here’s the thing–studios don’t care about that. They don’t care about your opinion, especially if you didn’t like it. You still gave them money, and that’s all that matters to them.

If this doesn’t sound like a movie you’d enjoy, obviously don’t see it. There’s nothing about it that’s noteworthy if you’re not a superhero person (unlike, say, Black Panther).

If you’re a casual Marvel fan and this sounds like a disappointment, do not see it.

Here’s the really shitty thing about the whole “don’t spoil the endgame” campaign: they made sure you went to go see the movie just so you could know what happened. They made you feel small for not seeing it before the “spoiler lift” for the media. They made you feel like a bad fan for not supporting all these actors you love and have supported in the past.

You had to give them the money they wanted just so you could enjoy a story that ultimately fell flat. They didn’t make this movie for you–they made it for the awards, the accolades.

I genuinely regret seeing this movie in theaters. This film, which does not function well as a standalone movie at all, toppled Titanic in box office numbers.

(“But Titanic is dumb because they both could have fit on that board!!” Yeah well this movie is dumb because Tony Stark and Black Widow didn’t have to die. At least Titanic gave the characters some depth and heart.)

I will not be seeing this movie again. I love re-watching Marvel movies because it’s fun and up till now, they’ve been good. They’ve felt like character studies more than anything else, and that’s what drew me in. This movie? This treats its characters–and its audience–as products.

If you liked it, that’s wonderful. If you’re happy with how things played out, that’s great. If you don’t regret spending money on this, I’m jealous, that’s awesome.

As for me, I can’t wait for creators to go back to giving us stories with heart and characters that are treated with respect. You can have great special effects in a film, but your movie cannot stand on special effects alone.

Anyway, all in all, I give Avengers: Endgame…

2/5 CHARACTERS WHO DESERVED BETTER!!

Don’t get me wrong though–all the characters deserved better. These are just the ones I’m most angry about. And Shuri. Did she even have any lines in this movie? Unbelievable. Also Peter Parker. Don’t even bring him up. I’ll just think about how his voice broke when he saw Tony dying and how he had to lose a father-figure all over again and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP DOING THIS TO HIM HE IS A CHILD.

At this rate, the only way I’ll be excited for another Marvel movie is if they truly do a next gen thing with Peter Parker, Morgan Stark, Cassie Lang, and Clint’s daughter whose name I forgot. Sam can be their really tired leader who is Too Old For This.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Mostly repeats, but the two new ones are:

Gemini Man, which looks…interesting? Generally I’m always ready to hop on the Will Smith sci-fi train, I just really wanna know if this movie has an actual plot or not.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker which I’ll be seeing because I have generally enjoyed the new trilogy. Also I want to cry about Carrie Fisher.

And that about does it for this review!

I’m ready to stop thinking about this movie, personally. Every time I think about it I just

It exhausts me.

I wanted to like it, but I just left the theater feeling so hollow…much to the chagrin of the AMC worker asking people what they thought. I don’t think he wanted an actual answer and was just being nice, but I’m socially awkward so how was I supposed to know.

Anyway, if this really does sound like something you would actually like, then sure, go see Endgame. But if you’re able to survive without seeing it, and trust me…you are able to survive without seeing it, I say skip it. Really. Please don’t give them anymore money.

(Sidenote: did you hear about how the Russo brothers claim that one of the MCU characters is secretly gay??? *GASP*

Plot twist: it’s Natasha. Because she’s dead. Can’t have happy representation. #buryyourgaysIguess.)

Dumbo (2019) REVIEW

April 17, 2019April 17, 2019 PlayerOneLeave a comment

So last week, I took myself to the movies and saw Dumbo, Tim Burton’s take on the 1941 Disney animated film.

I was apprehensive because the 1941 Dumbo is definitely not one of my favorite films–I mostly remember it just being kind of strange (and then I was scarred for life by that INSANE PINK ELEPHANTS SCENE). I know there are some diehard fans for the original, and nothing against that, it just wasn’t my cup of tea and I had no desire to revisit it before seeing this version.

On the other hand, it’s Tim Burton!!

I can say that it’s definitely a fun movie, it’s an absolute assault on the senses in typical Burton/Elfman fashion (in the best way), and it’s a good time.

Is it great?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

THE PLOT

It’s 1919! Circuses abound! Button-down shirts! Boots! Trains! Animal abuse! Yay!

…wait.

We start off by following the train for the Medici Brothers Circus, featuring such acts as a strongman, a mermaid, a horse-training duo, and elephants. As the train makes their next stop and tents begin to rise, we meet Milly (Nico Parker) and Joe (Finley Hobbins). Milly has a cage of pet mice dressed for their own little circus (this is a reference to Timothy Q. Mouse from the original, but other than that, this little mouse circus of Milly’s is never explained) and she is giving them a check-up to establish that Milly is a Modern Girl (ohhhhh the theater nerd in me just realized…”Thoroughly Modern Millie” the musical…ughhhhhhhhhhhh) interested in ridiculous things like Science. Joe is younger than Milly and is just generally excited about everything. For instance, there’s a train!

Milly and Joe run through the circus to the train platform, looking for someone, and suddenly there he is: COLIN FARRELL! Okay, actually it’s their dad, Holt, played by Colin Farrell. They run to meet him (as I would do if I saw Colin Farrell on a train platform) but stop short when they see he’s missing an arm. Holt has just returned from fighting in World War I, and he’s come back to be with his kids and work in the circus again.

It’s clear there’s some tension between Holt and the kids as he greets them and goes to meet with the ring leader Max Medici himself (Danny DeVito) about getting his job in the circus back. Medici gives a great speech chock full of exposition to explain that not only did Holt’s wife die of influenza while he was away (and his kids had to endure that without him), but Medici also sold the horses Holt used in his act. But all is not lost! Medici recently purchased a ~pregnant elephant~ and since everyone loves babies, this will boost ticket sales like crazy and give Holt a job as the elephant guy!!

Holt is distressed, naturally, as he tries to come to terms with how much things have changed. We meet Rufus who is the current (?) elephant guy and a Grade A Worst Human Being Ever. Rufus doesn’t like Holt because he’s Decent, and also he’s taking his job? I think? Anyway, the pregnant elephant has given birth, and once the baby shakes off all the straw it was hiding in, it’s revealed to be not…typical.

Baby and Mrs. Jumbo are super close, and Milly and Joe immediately connect with the outcast baby elephant, but the rest of the circus members are kind of…meh about it. Medici in particular is convinced all is lost and he’s doomed, and Holt is tasked with hiding the baby’s massive ears for his debut performance.

So Baby Jumbo is dressed up for his debut to be carted around the tent, but since Rufus is the Worst Human Being Ever, he purposely causes a stampede with the elephants just to make Holt look bad (and to like, ruin the circus’s reputation in general but I don’t think he thought that hard about it). Fearing for her baby, Mrs. Jumbo storms in, chaos reigns, everyone’s screaming, and the tent collapses (in an ironic twist, the only casualty of this event is none other than Rufus himself).

(Also–Baby Jumbo was wheeled around in a carriage that said “Dear Baby Jumbo” but in the chaos of the stampede, the letters get messed up so it spells out “ear Baby Dumbo.” Milly suggests they keep the name instead of calling him Baby Jumbo just because it might make him think of his mom and make him sad. So at least it puts a slightly more positive spin on the original, where Dumbo was a cruel name given to him by the other elephants)

Mrs. Jumbo is labeled a mad elephant, and Medici sells her in a desperate attempt to save face and get money. Around the same time, Milly and Joe discover something unbelievable–Dumbo can fly! But no one believes them. During an accident at the following performance, however, Dumbo does fly, and now the circus is famous for it! Unfortunately, this draws the attention of V. A. Vandevere (Michael Keaton), who competes with Rufus for the title of Worst Human Being Ever.

The rest of the film is an exploration of family, power, and what really matters most in life: REUNITING DUMBO WITH HIS MOM. Oh and like, love, too. I guess.

THE REVIEW

So like, let me start off by saying that this movie has an excellent opening. I mean you are plunged right in to the Burton/Elfman madness and it’s INCREDIBLE. I mean I was watching and already giving this movie 6/5.

Then…we got introduced to the human characters.

Perhaps the biggest change from the original (except the removal of certain…crows…) is the emphasis on the human characters. I’ll go more into detail in that section, but I really think unfortunately that the human characters are why the film isn’t…great. Part of the issue is that they have all new storylines and nothing to pull from the original film, which I get. But because there is so much emphasis put on them, it’s a shame they’re really not developed all that well.

…I mean I say that, but some of the human characters are awesome. It’s a fine line that, again, I’ll get into later.

Generally, the movie has some really impressive points and some really disappointing points, and unfortunately, it’s so strongly one way or the other that the film suffers for it. Some of the characters are so lacking that they hurt the overall story. Some of them are so strong that all you can do is wish the others were more like them. Visually it’s so striking and fun that it’s disappointing when you aren’t looking at the detailed circus sets because you’re stuck with a forced emotional scene instead. The music is so intense and fun and whimsical that it almost seems out of place with the more lackluster moments.

But overall, I do think it’s a good movie. It was fun to watch, and in true Burton/Elfman fashion, I was absolutely transported to another time and place for the duration and it was a fun ride.

So what exactly is it that makes the film both so good and so meh at the same time?

Spoiler warning now in effect as we soar into the details of this Dumbo reimagining!

THE MUSIC

THE MUSIC. THE MUSIC THE MUSIC THE MUSIC.

*ahem*

Okay, so the music is Danny Elfman, which means it’s just…it’s phenomenal. It’s so good, you guys.

What I’ve always loved about Burton and Elfman’s teamwork is how well they work together with sight and sound to create a story. Elfman’s compositions serve to transport the viewer to somewhere magical just as much as Burton’s visuals do. The soundtrack just gives off incredibly fun “magic circus” vibes. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve gone to a circus? I barely remember the last time I was at one (I don’t really count Cirque de Soleil because it was a school thing and also that’s like Rich People Circus), but the soundtrack for Dumbo brings you to a circus just with just a couple notes.

My favorite tracks include “Train’s A Comin'” (IT PLAYS OVER THE CIRCUS TRAIN ARRIVING AND THE SOUND EFFECTS OF THE TRAIN MATCH UP WITH THE DRUMS AND IT!! IS AN EXPERIENCE!!), “The Homecoming” (that fun guitar melody that then slows down when the kids see their dad again and he’s missing an arm like THEY DON’T NEED WORDS BECAUSE THE MUSIC DOES IT ALL), “Goodbye Mrs. Jumbo” (it’s Dumbo’s theme song but slowed down and sad and just WHY), “Pink Elephants On Parade (2019)” (MORE ON THIS LATER OHHHHHHHMYGOD), and “Soaring Suite” (this is like if the words “uplifting and magical” were music).

I just…I can’t do it justice with words, y’all. It’s on Spotify, please listen to it, that’s the only way to really feel it.

“But I’m not a movie music nerd like you” YOU WILL LISTEN TO IT AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

Also, we have to discuss “Baby Mine,” of course. Just like the heartbreaking scene in the original, this plays while Mrs. Jumbo and Dumbo are separated after she’s labeled a mad elephant. She reaches her trunk through the bars to hold her son, who’s trying to reach her with his short little baby trunk. This time, though, the music comes from the various circus members, singing around a campfire. They’re clearly disheartened by the day’s events, and it’s a solemn scene as they sing and play instruments together, layered with the shots of Dumbo and his mom trying to reach each other.

Anyway. I’m not crying. Moving on.

Listen to the soundtrack.

THE CHARACTERS

Fun fact: that is the daughter’s facial expression the entire damn film.

So here’s the thing–I like the idea behind the human characters. I mean, think about it: a WWI vet returns to his home, the circus, missing an arm to find that his wife has died and the act he used to perform with her can no longer be. He can’t connect to his kids because he doesn’t know how to without their mom, not to mention, they had to endure her death without him. He can’t even begin to imagine their experiences. Then, the baby elephant he’s tasked with taking care of does connect with his kids, and that’s even before the elephant’s mother is taken away, too. He soon realizes that this baby elephant, this “abomination,” is the way to reconnect with his kids, and he wants that.

It’s hard, though, when this rich fancy guy shows up and gives his kids everything he’s unable to–a beautiful house with individual rooms, immediate belief in his daughter’s scientific dreams, and fame and fortune for their new best friend, the baby elephant.

So what does he do when the new guy gives the order to have the baby elephant’s mother killed? What can he do but be the hero his kids have always hoped he could be?

It’s an interesting idea to mirror the kids’ loss of their mother with Dumbo’s. It gives the kids motivation to reunite the elephants besides just “they’re kids and they believe in happy endings.” Milly and Joe want to reunite Dumbo and his mom because they would have done anything to reunite with their own mom–it’s why they can be frustrated by their father’s lack of belief both in them and in himself.

It’s such a shame this doesn’t translate in the film, then.

I found myself not really liking many of the human characters, but I couldn’t put a finger on why until Vandevere showed up. See, Vandevere, for as incredibly evil as he is, is so much fun. He’s a genuine cartoon villain come to life, he’s over-the-top ridiculous, and because of that, he’s probably the one human character I actually liked. It’s almost like Burton was like “okay, we can’t really push for realism in a story like this, so the villain doesn’t have to be realistic, either.”

And it works!!

Because the rest of the film is so stylistic and unrealistic, Vandevere fits right into the world the film creates and he’s an enjoyable character even though he’s the villain.

Everyone else, though?

Let me start by saying I love Colin Farrell, and we know he can play the estranged and troubled father because he does it incredibly well in Saving Mr. Banks. It just doesn’t translate as well here because, again, he’s almost too realistic for this outlandish story. If he’d been allowed to be a little more quirky, for example, he’d have fit into the world more and thus, been more likable. He did a great job though with what he had, it’s just that what he had seems like it should be from an entirely different movie; a realistic story about a failing circus rather than one that involves big-eared, flying elephants.

Eva Green’s Colette has to (literally and figuratively) walk this tightrope between cartoonish and realistic. She’s cartoonish for the most part, and I do like her character a lot, but she’s not developed to the same degree as the main family and Vandevere, so she feels incomplete. She’s still good, and mostly likable, and she doesn’t feel as out of place as Colin Farrell’s Holt does.

Danny DeVito’s Max Medici is ridiculously cartoony and fun in the beginning, so he fits in, but it’s not entirely clear what makes him change his mind to help the original circus group–after all, he was shown to primarily be interested in money, so why the sudden change of heart? Yeah Vandevere wanted to fire everyone from his original circus, but he was never shown to have really bonded with them in the first place. I’m glad he does have a change of heart, and it makes his speech at the end about the new circus really heartwarming, but again, there was some key element of development that’s just missing for him.

Joe has some really sweet moments, and I liked him just because he was always so excited and eager to please, but those are pretty much his only two character traits. He primarily serves as Milly’s helper, and while Milly and Holt get to have a nice father-daughter moment, Joe never gets anything of the equivalent, which kinda sucks, frankly.

The main circus ensemble are all pretty likable with the little dialogue they have, but like many of the other characters, they aren’t developed enough to really get graded as fully fleshed-out characters.

My biggest issue is with Milly. She drives me crazy.

I kept trying to make excuses for her. Maybe she’s like this because again, she had to watch her mom, whom she was clearly very close with, die. She had to take charge caring for her brother in their mom’s absence. She likes Science!

The bottom line is, however, that Milly has exactly one emotion through the entire film, and it’s 😐

Not that you couldn’t do something with that, you absolutely could, but Milly is supposed to be the emotional center of the film. It is her connection with Dumbo and her strained relationship with Holt that are supposed to drive so much of the story, and it just doesn’t work when she says all her lines like this 😐

Even when she charges up the ladder to get Dumbo a feather so he can fly out of the flames, and she falls and has to get pulled away, she doesn’t fight or try to get back to Dumbo, she doesn’t scream in worry for him, she doesn’t look concerned at all.

She looks like 😐

IT IS INSANE.

It is especially out of place in such a cartoony film. She’s surrounded by flying elephants and theme parks designed by Tim Burton and she just 😐

Dumbo, a CGI elephant, has more facial expressions and shows more emotion during this movie than our leading emotional character.

I mean, put her in a horror movie with creepy kids and I’m sure she’d do great, but FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. THIS IS A KID’S MOVIE. BE A KID. SHOW SOME WONDER. I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT SCIENCE, SCIENCE IS COOL AND CALLS FOR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE DOES?

FLYING. ELEPHANTS.

The point is, the human characters could have worked. Many of them mostly do. But the character that is supposed to emotionally connect and invest us in the story and Dumbo himself just…

😐

Now don’t get me wrong, you can absolutely have an emotionless/seemingly emotionless character at the center of your film. You just can’t also have that character be the emotional center of your film. It just contradicts…everything.

And look, I get it, she’s a child actor. Unfortunately, I’m going to compare her to the likes of other child actors like, say, Millie Bobby Brown of Stranger Things fame or Sophia Lillis of It and Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase. I’m sure she can do great, just maybe not as the emotional center of a kid’s movie about flying elephants. I’m telling you, though, if she was cast as the creepy kid in a horror movie? She’d be awesome. Stop making films about creepy little boys and cast Nico Parker instead. For this particular movie, I just don’t think she was cast correctly.

And honestly, Dumbo does a great job all on his own on making us care about him.

But I genuinely think that the human characters, and Milly in particular, are really what keep this good movie from being great.

THE ART

So as you can tell from above, because it’s Tim Burton, the film is a visual marvel. Yeah it’s supposed to take place in our world in 1919, but stylistically, it feels like it takes place in an alternate version of our world where maybe elephants can fly.

Pigs, too, probably.

I mentioned the opening shot with the circus train in the music section (THE TRAIN SOUNDS!!! MATCH THE DRUM BEATS!!!!!), but it truly does a beautiful job of setting up the film. The train itself, being completely Burton-ized, looks like a face–every part of the train, in fact, looks just cartoony enough to not be real. All the sets in the film stand on this line of being sort of realistic but not quite. It reminds me a little of the engagement party scene in Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, where everything looks real and as you’d expect but also just ever so slightly…off.

In a good way! I know Alice in Wonderland wasn’t necessarily a favorite when it was released, and I know Dumbo now isn’t getting rave reviews, but I do think these kind of stories are ideal for Burton. He does well with stories where characters are transported to an alternate land where things don’t have to make sense, and he does really well with circus stories (first Big Fish and now this??). Think about it: the main goal of a circus is to promise the impossible is real, to fool you into believing in magic. Burton’s style plays into circus stories because he specializes in the fantastical with the real, the impossible with the possible.

Also, he got to have Danny DeVito play a ringmaster again, which I’m sure was fun.

You would think it would be too much, and especially when Vandevere’s Dreamland comes into play, it almost feels like too much to take in for both you as the audience member and the characters onscreen. It never crosses that line, though. Everything visually in the film is a feast for the eyes in the best possible way, and everything has meaning and care behind it.

So much so that, like I mentioned above, scenes without all the visual marvel that rely on the characters to carry us through are sorely lacking. Pretty much any scene that focuses solely on the interactions and dialogues between the human characters are dull in comparison, and they shouldn’t be. The scenes where the kids connect with Dumbo are hard to get through, partly because we don’t have any fun circus scenery and mostly because we have to deal with Milly. Scenes where the emotions of the characters should provide all the spectacle we need are hurting, because when Milly and Joe are talking about “well maybe Dumbo misses his mom, we have to help him, we miss our mom, too!” And then “my mom gave me this key to look at whenever I felt like there was a door I couldn’t get through. Maybe I’ll still feel like I can’t open it, but the key reminds me that there’s always a way” are all said in the flattest possible way.

The visuals are stunning. The costumes are amazing. But they shouldn’t have to bear the weight of the characters’ lack of feeling through the entire film, and unfortunately, they do.

The opening scene with the train and the circus being set up is fun and loud and truly feels magical, and it’s a shame the rest of the movie doesn’t quite live up to it (kind of like how the opening number of La La Land promised great things and then you left the theater carrying the broken pieces of your heart and also your dreams).

There’s another moment later in the film, however, where that magic comes back, if only for a moment.

We have to talk about pink elephants.

This is quite possibly my favorite scene in the film, which is kind of funny considering it’s my least favorite scene from the original. Dumbo doesn’t get drunk in the 2019 version, but there are still pink elephants dancing. As a way to prepare the audience at Dreamland’s Colosseum for Dumbo’s act, performers take giant bubble wands and in unison, create magic with them.

It’s unclear whether or not the bubbles actually form the elephants or if Dumbo’s just seeing things (hey, he’s probably never seen bubbles before), but it’s an absolutely spellbinding sight and honestly may be worth the price of admission alone (maybe). It’s a beautiful scene rather than a slightly terrifying one, and it manages to be just as overwhelming as the original animation but in an entirely different way. Dumbo gets caught up in the beauty of it just as much as we do.

I like to think of it as Dumbo and the rest of the Medici Bros. Circus members not being drunk literally, but rather being drunk on this new power and fame they suddenly possess.

Am I reading too much into it? Probably.

But seriously, it’s genuinely a spellbinding scene. I was actually shocked when I found out that the track for that scene was only 1:47–during the film, it feels like a full 4 minutes at least. Not because it felt like it went on forever in a bad way, it just felt like a full-length intense dance number that you don’t want to end, and it was less than two minutes??

Iconic.

THE “SUBTLETY”

Dumbo is not one for subtlety when it comes to the film’s message(s).

And honestly, it’s executed in such a fun way that for the most part, I’m okay with it.

For example, a large focus of the film is family, obviously. Holt has to find a way to reconnect with his own kids without his wife, Dumbo just wants his mom and she just wants him, and it’s implied that the circus ensemble all find family in each other (or they just believed that all along, they’re not really developed enough for us to say for sure).

This actually all comes to a head with our good ol’ baddie Vandevere. It starts when he introduces us to Colette, his…girlfriend? Her relationship with him is never explicitly explained, but it can be implied that she likes money and he has it. But Vandevere has no “real” family of his own to speak of. He then pulls Medici aside when he’s discussing buying out the circus, to which he says “I know there’s no other Medici. You probably wanted one, though.”

The circus is called “Medici Bros. Circus,” but Vandevere is right; Max Medici is actually the only one, there are no “brothers.” That’s partly why Medici is so easily swayed by Vandevere’s offer. He wants the money, sure, but he also wants to have a partner. He wants to belong to something bigger than himself.

This whole family idea comes to a head when Holt thanks Vandevere for the nice lodgings he and his kids receive, to which Vandevere simply replies “of course! Your family’s mine.”

I don’t know how it translates in writing, but when you hear him say that, your brain automatically finishes the saying: “your family is my family.” But that ain’t what he says. Vandevere makes it clear that he owns people, he doesn’t stoop down to the level of belonging with them.

This is made even more clear when Colette’s backstory is revealed: she was a street performer in Paris, Vandevere saw her, offered her more. There is no actual connection with them at all, he just owns her.

So when Vandevere goes absolutely bonkers in the last act of the film and everyone abandons him, it’s easy to infer why: everyone else has found family in each other because they sacrifice for each other and help each other. Vandevere would never do that for any of them, so they don’t help him when his whole amusement park burns to the ground–they leave him.

True family can’t be bought.

Colette and Vandevere have some fun and ridiculously over-the-top dialogue during their final confrontation as well. Colette and Dumbo fly to the tower that serves as the main power source for the park and shut it all down so they can get Mrs. Jumbo out. Vandevere storms inside and yells “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POWER???”

To which Colette simply replies, “what power?”

GET IT. BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANY REAL POWER. LOVE WAS THE REAL POWER ALL ALONG AND HE HAS NONE.

GET IT.

Then, as Colette is leaving with Dumbo, he screams after her “YOU WERE NOTHING BEFORE I MADE YOU MY…MY…”

And Colette smugly looks at him and says “I believe the word you’re looking for is queen” and then she flies off with Dumbo like a badass leaving Vandevere sputtering after her.

GET IT. GET IT.

Okay, anyway.

And then it all comes together at the end because the circus is back together (sans a couple elephants) and now it’s called the Medici Family Circus instead.

GET IT.

Also there’s a real slap-you-in-the-face message about how animals shouldn’t be kept in cages or something. I’m just saying, if Dumbo’s mom had been raised in captivity, she wouldn’t know how to survive in the wild. Luckily we know she was actually captured as a pregnant adult, so the wild is what she knows and she’ll do fine. All Dumbo knows is people, but he has his mom in the wild to guide him. But if she’d been raised in captivity, the best thing to do would be to keep her but treat her well. It’s clear that prior to the Medici Family Circus, the animals were abused like crazy, and that’s absolutely accurate to 1919 circus life. But releasing an angry, abused animal into the wild is like sticking a target on their back–it doesn’t benefit anyone (except a very lucky predator, maybe).

Anyway, nothing is subtle, but that fits right alongside the overall cartooniness of it all.

(Also, we can absolutely talk about how ironic it is that Dumbo, as a “freak of nature” becomes a huge money-maker for an amusement park that looks a lot like Disneyland. They even show a vendor selling out of Dumbo plush toys every night–toys that look like the original animated Dumbo. And that park burns to the ground, the “freak of nature” is allowed to leave and be happy with his mom so he’s not on display every night for cruel humans, and the circus members find family performing with each other, not for others. It’s just interesting that a Disney film seems to be really taking a jab at how Disney runs things…especially with all those live-action remakes on the horizon…ANYWAY………)

THE ELEPHANTS

DO YOU LIKE CRYING??? Great.

All I could think of while watching this film was the different things I’ve read and heard about elephants in the past couple years or so.

For example, a study was done by UC Davis to research elephants and the different relationships they have with humans. They concluded that elephants can absolutely form special relationships with humans, which is especially interesting because unlike domesticated animals, they haven’t been bred over generations to get used to us. Of course it’s also true that elephants can be absolutely hostile to humans and to be fair, if you’re out hunting elephants, you absolutely deserve whatever the elephants do to you.

Another example was a study published in 2014 that stated that elephants will aid and care for other elephants when they’re sick or dying. If they hear another elephant in distress, they will go to them and respond with calls and touches to console them.

Elephants can suffer from PTSD–this can be caused by being tortured, abused, forced into captivity, or witnessing the death of a family member by a poacher.

They have a complex family and social system in their herds, where the elders instruct the young how to interpret calls and follow specific social cues. If the elders are killed, that information is never passed down to the younger elephants.

Perhaps most interestingly, elephants seem to mourn for their dead. If they encounter the remains or skeleton of another elephant, they slow down and will touch the bones with their trunk–they don’t do this for other remains they come across.

There’s even research that reports that elephants seem to cry as an emotional response.

Elephants are crazy complex creatures, and it makes having them be at the center of a movie like this all the more powerful, especially one scene in particular.

Throughout the film, Dumbo and his mom clearly have a very strong bond. They have a powerful connection, to the point where Dumbo is able to recognize his mom’s call all the way across Dreamland to where she’s being kept (in an attraction called “Nightmare Island” where they keep all the world’s “most dangerous animals”). At first I remember thinking “yeah right” but?? Knowing what we do about elephants, why wouldn’t he be able to recognize her call? I mean jeez, penguins can do it!

This is why the ending scene with Dumbo and his mom is so beautiful, because it’s so good to see them together and happy, finally.

But all that we know about elephants makes the “Baby Mine” scene even more upsetting. Of course Dumbo would reach for his mom with his little trunk. Of course his mom would reach out and cradle him with her trunk. Of course they would cry. OF COURSE.

Let’s not forget that the only reason Dumbo’s mom is chained up in this scene is because Rufus (Worst Human Being Ever) purposely put her baby in danger. Of course she heard him crying. Of course she sensed his fear. Of course she came running for him. He’s her baby. OF COURSE.

It’s the one scene that feels appropriately emotional, and it’s all because of CGI elephants.

My last three brain cells trying to figure my life out

FAVORITE MOMENT

I think it’s probably obvious because I’ve talked about the scenes extensively, but I love the pink elephants scene and “Baby Mine.” One is so ridiculously over-the-top it’s great, and one is just calm and sad and emotional its great.

“OOF” MOMENT

…can I say anytime Milly spoke?

Okay, okay, fine. Really it’s almost any time they tried to have an emotional scene with any of the human characters, it just never really comes across right. It never reaches the level of “Baby Mine,” and that would be fine except they make it seem like those scenes are supposed to hit that level. They just don’t.

Also, the whole “Medici Family Circus” montage has Danny DeVito break the fourth wall and talk right to the camera and it’s just…a choice.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

I think it’s very likely that for all my griping about the humans, it’s possible to not have it be that big a deal. Again, as much as it’s played out as being the main story of the film, it’s really not.

Despite all the 😐 , there’s still a whole lot of incredible scenery, stunning music, fantastic villainy from Michael Keaton, and a really cute little baby elephant.

This is still a very good movie, and it’s certainly a really fun time going to see it. If you need some escapism, you like Tim Burton/Danny Elfman, you like elephants, you like Dumbo, and you don’t care about emotional scenes and how they’re portrayed and you think I need to chill out, I definitely say go for it, see this movie.

It’s good. It’s not great, but it’s good. And it’s fun. And you’ll cry a little and then be all inspired about family or something.

Overall, I give Dumbo…

3.5/5 MAGICAL FLYING FEATHERS!!

I have no idea if the whole “Dumbo has to fly with a feather” is a key thing in the original film, but it was like a really big deal in this one. Until he realized that he didn’t need a feather to fly, the ~Magic Was Inside Him All Along~.

Or something.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

We had a couple repeats (Ugly Dolls, for example) but also some new ones that we get to talk about! Missing Link is the newest film from the studio LAIKA, probably one of my favorite studios ever in the world, so I will absolutely be seeing it (in fact at the time of writing this I have already seen it and that review is on its way!).

I…can’t believe I’m about to say this, but…Dora and the Lost City of Gold looks…really…good? Like I genuinely don’t know how to approach this movie for the most part, but like…I mean I’m gonna see it, I just…I mean you don’t understand, it’s like someone saw that College Humor video and said “no but REALLY THOUGH.” And now here we are. Wow.

Abominable looks like it could be really, really cute, so I definitely want to see that. I am all for this sudden trend of movies where characters befriend mythological creatures and go on adventures. Can we have a Mothman adventure next??

Aladdin is…a movie…I mean, okay, I loved Aladdin as a kid. I also loved the character Aladdin as a kid because, I mean, c’mon. Plus, Robin Williams at his finest, really. Of course I’m gonna see it, and maybe it’ll be good, but also like…there has been no sign of Iago in any of the trailers and I have SEVERAL CONCERNS, OKAY.

And that about does it for this review! If this sounds like something you’d enjoy (and again, it is just generally a very good time), I say take yourself to the movies and see Dumbo.

Just like…don’t get too excited about it.

😐

Okay I’m done. I’ll stop.

Alita: Battle Angel Review

February 21, 2019February 21, 2019 PlayerOne3 Comments

Soooo last week, I took myself (and my dad) to the movies, and we saw Alita: Battle Angel. I really didn’t know what to expect from it, but I know people were excited, and my dad wanted to see it, and since it’ll probably be nominated for something since it’s James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez, I figured I should see it.

I have…mixed feelings about it.

But we’ll get into all that later.

them big eyes will see into your soulllllll

THE PLOT

The movie starts with Dr. Ido (Christoph Waltz) finding the head and partial torso of a cyborg in the scrapyard of Iron City. He gives her a body since he is a cyborg clinic doctor of some sort, and the cyborg awakens the next morning to a brand new body (and also a head of hair? That’s never explained). This is Alita (Rosa Salazar). Alita talks with Ido and his assistant (Idara Victor), asking if they know who she is, as she has no idea. Ido claims to not know either, and he takes Alita out for a brief day on the town. This is where she meets Hugo (Keean Johnson) and he’s cute and saves her from oncoming traffic so naturally she liiiiikes him.

Because of this meeting with Hugo, Alita’s rebellious teenage phase kicks in fast, and she meets with him and his pals as often as possible, learning of a rather violent and popular sport called Motorball. She joins them for a scrimmage, and after she’s shoved aside by Hugo’s friend Tanji (Jorge Landeborg Jr.), her vengeful warrior phase kicks in fast and she absolutely decimates him in retaliation. Tanji complains about this to Hugo, and Hugo just goes “haha yeah she beat you up lol she’s pretty” (I mean that’s basically it, okay).

In other news, some…villain or something is apparently targeting women on the streets at night where he apparently destroys them and sells their parts (this is never fully explained in the movie, but apparently in the manga it’s common knowledge that the world has gotten to the point where humans can replace almost their entire body with cyborg parts, and if they could, why wouldn’t they? We see this in the film, but we never really get an explanation. Anyway). Because of this, Ido doesn’t want Alita out alone after dark. But she’s ~rebellious~ so she follows him one night and, based off of what she sees, assumes Ido is the murderer. She tries to stop him, but it’s revealed that he’s actually hunting the murderer, and this was actually a trap. They’re attacked by various cyborgs, and though Ido tells Alita to stay out of the way, Alita dives into combat to save him and absolutely destroys two of the three cyborgs (she cripples the third and he escapes screaming that he “NEVER FORGETS!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!”).

The battle brings on a sort of flashback for Alita, where she’s in a big battle on the moon, as you do. Ido reveals that he is a hunter warrior, which is kind of like Iron City’s version of police since they don’t actually have police. Anyone can apply to be a hunter warrior (or bounty hunter as they’re called during the other half of the movie), and they get paid for the marks they destroy. Alita, naturally, is all over this but Ido says it’s too dangerous. Alita, in response, runs away from him very maturely.

There’s a lot of other stuff that happens, basically Alita really wants to know who she is but she also becomes a hunter warrior, also she gets a new body. As you do. She does all this against Ido’s wishes but ~she doesn’t live by his rules~. Ido is initially upset by this but then he’s like “eh whatever.” His assistant has maybe three sentences the whole film. Hugo gives Alita sparkle eyes the whole film, but his main character trait is that he wants to get to the sky city of Zalem, which is where Alita probably came from since she was found in the scrapyard.

I can’t really say much more without spoilers, so let’s dive into it.

this scene was cool until you realize that half the terrible things that happen later wouldn’t happen if Alita hadn’t…been like this

THE REVIEW

I really wanted to like this movie. Really!

I like robots. I like cyberpunk. I like beautiful scenery and well-choreographed fight scenes. I like intricate world-building.

But I also really like good characters. And I really…didn’t like anyone in this movie. I didn’t like the script (much of the dialogue was so cheesy that the actors couldn’t do much about it). I really didn’t like most of the plot.

Now, this movie is based off of a manga (Battle Angel Alita, or Gunnm). And from what I’ve read from fans of the manga, this is a relatively faithful adaptation, and they really like it! And that’s great. I came into this completely fresh-I’m an anime fan myself, but I’d never read Gunnm and I’d never seen the two OVA’s that were made based off the manga. All of this was completely new to me, and it was hard to follow, felt really disjointed, and just…bleh.

So it’s entirely possible that maybe I would have liked it if I’d been a fan of the manga first-it’s always fun to see something like that come to life in a new way. I think it’s why I’ll probably really like the Detective Pikachu movie no matter how weird it is.

But coming to this as an outsider, there wasn’t anything for me to like, really. I’ll go into each point in more detail, but I guess if you’re an avid Battle Angel fan, you might wanna stop reading now. I don’t have a lot of good things to say, admittedly. Except about the scenery and the character design (with the exception of those big ol’ scary eyes), both of which were delightful. But the acting? I don’t get why everyone is obsessed with Rosa Salazar’s performance in particular. The romance? Bleh. Not believable and sooooo predictable and just…there’s no basis to it. The characters? Anyone I may have liked is killed or has two lines of dialogue. The animals? HAHA RIP. The plot? It just felt very all over the place and just…I didn’t really care about it? The villains? The main big bad barely shows up, teasing a sequel, of COURSE. They build up this big fight and there is ZERO PAYOFF.

I did want to like it, really! It just wasn’t enjoyable for me. I’ll include things that would have helped, in my opinion, but again: if you did really like the film, that’s awesome! I’m happy for you! I did not, but that’s on me, it’s my personal taste, and ours differs here.

For everyone else, let’s get into it. Spoiler warning now in effect!

get it she’s lit up because she’s a “fallen angel” GET IT

THE MUSIC

As always, we start with the music.

Meh.

Honestly it didn’t play that big a part in the movie. There were the occasional moments where the fun techno-y beat would come in and that was fun, it fit the cyberpunk aesthetic. But there was no particular score moment that really stood out to me. I’d probably have to listen to the soundtrack on its own so that I can be a better judge of it without my negative thoughts about the movie crowding my brain.

The credits song was a Dua Lipa song about being powerful, so that was good.

THE CHARACTERS

Alright, sit down with me, kids, as we discuss why I didn’t like anyone in this film. (actually, I take that back: I liked 3 people. We’ll get to that)

So much of the film hinges on the likability of three characters since we spend the most time with them, hands down: Ido, Alita, and Hugo.

Ido is probably the most likable of those three for me, but that’s not saying much. He’s interesting, at least-we learn that he runs this clinic where he does free repairs on people who have cyborg parts and can’t afford to go anywhere else. He keeps the clinic open with the payments he receives as a hunter warrior/bounty hunter. He had a daughter in a wheelchair (we never learn why she is in a wheelchair, if there was an accident or something she was born with, it’s never explained) named Alita who was killed by one of Ido’s patients. This is why his wife (?) Chiren (Jennifer Connolly) left him. He names Alita after his dead daughter, and her first body is one he designed for his daughter that she never got to use (I guess in the source material, he names Alita after a late cat he was very fond of, but I guess that wasn’t ~dramatic~ enough for the film). But while Ido has all these interesting traits, they never do a lot with him. He is a plot device used to put Alita and Hugo back together. He clearly is protective of Alita since he sort of accidentally replaces his daughter with her, but even after she disobeys his orders countless times, he never punishes her or argues with her, not really. He has one facial expression the entire film. Alita is able to manipulate him to do what she wants suuuuuuper easily. And it doesn’t even matter because she does what she wants anyway!

Hugo is ~cool~ because he wears a leather jacket and has long broody floppy hair and he rides a motorized unicycle (YOU THINK I’M KIDDING). But he’s pretty and thinks Alita is pretty and he’s a strong, developed character because he makes sure the audience knows he is not intimidated by how terrifyingly murderous Alita is. That’s a line. In the film. He says “you know most guys would be intimidated by a girl like you” BUT I’M NOT MOST GUYS I’M ~DIFFERENT~. We learn next to nothing about his backstory, except that he wants to get to the sky city. Honestly that’s like, everyone’s backstory. They all want to get to the sky city because Iron City is absolute hell. He’s almost interesting when it’s revealed that he and his friends work for Vector (Mahershala Ali) by paralyzing people and stealing necessary parts. He got into it in order to raise enough money to get to Zalem. However, once he and Alita are ~involved~, he wants to get out of the business. Especially before Alita finds out. BECAUSE WHY TELL HER HIMSELF, AM I RIGHT. So, I mean, yeah he feels bad about the part-stealing once he loves Alita, but we don’t even know him long enough to see where that would have gone because he gets killed. And then he’s alive. And then he dies again.

Alita is…annoying. She really is. I adored her in the beginning because it was super cute watching her discover the world. Oranges?? Amazing! CHOCOLATE??? Best thing ever!!!! Cute boys??? Ooooooooh! They could have done so much more with that! Like how does she know how to react around Hugo? How does she know about kissing or hand-holding or any of that? Can you imagine a scene where Hugo explains a kiss to her? (A la Mork and Mindy, of course) But we never get that. Look, I love that she is the main character of this film. She is a badass girl and the center of a major sci-fi thriller, which is awesome! But you can’t make a character like that be so invincible that they’re just not relatable. The fight scenes were almost never nail-biters because you know Alita will be fine-even when she’s nothing but a torso with a head and one arm, she somehow punches her way out and Ido rebuilds her anyway. They try to make it this big thing that Alita is starting over with a clean slate, only she can decide if she’s gonna be good or bad…which is fine, except she never really has that clean slate. Except for the very beginning when she’s discovering oranges and boys, she is never naive enough to have a choice. She is immediately drawn to the violence of Motorball because she was a warrior. She’s drawn to conflict and loves fighting because she was a warrior. She never had a clean slate-but she could have been a fascinating anti-hero choosing a new path. Maybe she did terrible things in the past, killed hundreds, maybe thousands, and being aware of that is what helps her change. But no, instead we get a forced narrative and an impossibly invincible hero we can never really worry about because of course she’ll be fine.

My other main issue with Alita as a character is that she never has to face the consequences of her actions. Not really. She never apologizes to Ido for going out at night against his wishes because she saved him so of course everything’s fine. She never apologizes for Ito for getting his dead daughter’s cyborg body destroyed in the second fight with Grewishka. She immediately gets the Berserker body she wanted after the fight, despite Ido saying she shouldn’t have it because of how dangerous and lethal it is. She never assumes that it is her fault that Zapan came after Hugo and killed Tanji because of the way she humiliated him. She doesn’t even have to face the consequence of Hugo’s first death because Chiren is there like a freakin deus ex machina and surgically wires him to Alita’s life force to save him.

“But what about Hugo’s death the second time??” Look, I get that this is from the source material, but the emotional impact of Hugo’s death is utterly destroyed the second he has to die again. Also, how do we even know for sure he’s dead this time? All we saw is him falling dramatically. I know he’s dead in the source material, but this is Hollywood. Do they ever really die?

I’m not saying it’s not awesome that Alita is so powerful- again, it’s great to see an ultra-powerful female character be the star and the center of a major sci-fi film. We should have more stuff like that! But it’s like filmmakers are so afraid to make anything other than a perfect, flawless female who’s way overpowered and has no weaknesses. That scene at the end where she slices her own tear in half? What, is she not allowed to feel? (Trick question-she’s a cyborg)

There’s nothing wrong with giving your hero characters some flaws-that’s what makes them relatable. We want to see them succeed when we know they’ve struggled to get where they are. We cheer for them when they overcome their own flaws because we want to do the same. People want to see themselves on the screen, especially as the hero: but it doesn’t seem attainable when the hero is perfect. Take my personal favorite Marvel hero Iron Man, for example: dude’s a mess. He’s narcissistic, a genius and he flaunts it, and absolutely riddled with PTSD. He has panic attacks in Iron Man 3. It didn’t weaken him as a hero-it made us feel for him and be happy for him when he pushed through his pain. He cries and we cry with him because that’s okay!

Alita is not allowed to mourn Hugo because she has to stay strong to make it to Zalem to fight Nova. Fine, but let her break down. That scream she gave when Hugo fell? Show her broken, alone in her bed crying. If she loved Hugo like she said, she would absolutely be torn apart by his (second) death. But we never see that. She sheds one tear and cuts it in half. She’s not allowed to feel because she’d be less of a hero if she did.

And that simply isn’t true! Let heroes be vulnerable. It makes their successes that much more powerful for the audience.

I could rant about Alita as a character forever (clearly) but I have to touch on some other characters:

First, let’s discuss some of the other bounty hunters: most of them end up dead, and we never really learn much about them anyways! Cool, that was fun. There is one bounty hunter who works with a whole lot of robot dogs, which like…give me a movie about him, please!!

Next: Ido’s assistant Nurse Gerhad, Tanji, and Koyomi (Lana Condor). Both Gerhad and Koyomi make it through the film alive (miraculously) but Tanji is brutally murdered trying to save Hugo. And all we get is one shot of his death and on mention from Hugo that he died. Alita (naturally) doesn’t seem to care that Tanji is dead-that would be facing the consequences of her actions and as we know, Alita doesn’t do that.

Gerhad and Koyomi have a couple sentences each in the film. And that’s it.

Fun fact: you can’t claim it’s diversity if your diverse characters all die or barely speak during the film!!

THE ROMANCE

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When I read some reviews from people who knew the source material, I was hoping that Alita’s and Hugo’s relationship would be further developed in the manga, but it doesn’t really sound like it. I guess the major change is that apparently, Hugo was so blinded by his desperation to get to the sky city that he didn’t notice Alita’s feelings for him. That could have been fun, but instead, we get this.

Alita and Hugo are obsessed with each other, like, to a scary degree, and right from the start. Alita’s fixation on him kind of makes sense, he saves her from getting smashed in the street, and she’s a cyborg, it’d be fascinating to go into how cyborg “love” might be different from human love (and I feel like they sort of play with that in a later scene? But it’s never really…explained. Like she quite literally takes out her own heart and offers it to Hugo and when he refuses she’s just like “HAHA THAT WAS INTENSE, SORRY LOL” like…what), but nooooooooo. Hugo I guess just has a thing for big eyes? Idk man.

Look, I’m a huge romantic, I own this about myself. I think it’s absolutely possible for Hollywood to create a lovely, beautiful romantic relationship, but of course, the flip-side is also true. If you couldn’t tell, characters are important to me and can really make or break a film in my opinion. As previously discussed, none of the characters in Alita: Battle Angel really spoke to me (literally and figuratively since they died or had two lines in the entire film), and that includes our main pair of lovers here. I guess they’re going for a Hunger Games-esque relationship with these two-two teens in a dystopian world, battling their circumstances and their feelings for each other or whatever.

Now, everyone has their own opinions about how the Hunger Games romance(s) work(ed) out, but you have to admit that at the very least, we got some actual character development for our romantic leads. They all had scenes that showed all sides of them: good, bad, broken, and unique. Gale is Katniss’s best friend, her person, but he’s also easily blinded by anger and his personal desire for revenge, and he’s also incredibly selfish. Peeta is completely selfless in some ways, he would give himself for Katniss in an instant (they both would, really). He was abused by his parents and is also never not injured. Like…really. He’s also very quick to shut people (especially Katniss) out when he’s hurting. Katniss, as our narrator and main character, is the one we spend the most time with, so we know her the best. She’s incredibly caring and protective, and all of her most glorified actions in the rebellion are born completely out of her love for someone or something (placing bunches of flowers all around Rue’s body, singing the “hanging tree” song, doing the famous whistle and salute, and of course, volunteering to take Prim’s place). Katniss also has terrible PTSD, I mean, of course she does. Like Gale, she’s also easily blinded by anger. She often acts without thinking. Like Peeta, she’s willing to give her life in an instant because she thinks she’s not worth it.

Now, all of that is those characters at their most basic. Compare that to Alita and Hugo. What sides do we see of them? Hugo wants to go to the sky city. Okay…do we know why? He just wants to escape the “hell” that is the Iron City. I mean, okay, fine. He chooses Alita over his friends, specifically by telling them they need to stop stealing people’s cyborg parts for money. He gets framed for a murder he doesn’t commit. Alita wants to learn about her past, and she disobeys the father figure who rescues her time and time again to do it. She’s ruthless when it comes to people who are hunting her down, presumably because of her mysterious warrior past. She loves the little dog she befriends (I assume? They had two interactions before…we don’t talk about that scene).

Alita and Hugo are cookiecutter characters at best; they do the things they do because it moves the story along and the plot calls for it, not because of any specific character traits they possess that explains their actions.

Katniss is a rebellious teenager just as much as Alita is. But all of Katniss’s actions are motivated by who she is, not what she is. Alita doesn’t have any quirks (besides giant eyes and being a cyborg, I guess?) to help explain her behavior except TEENAGE GIRL!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

All this to say, Alita and Hugo’s romance isn’t believable because they aren’t believable as whole, separate characters on their own.

Now, I realize that this is just one movie, and unfortunately, there’s a giant sequel-tease, so there will probably be at least one more of these. So Alita may very well be more developed in the future. I’m also sure she’s well-developed in the source material; anime and manga characters are (generally) consistently very, very well-developed and well-rounded characters with positive and negative traits alike. Hugo might even be interesting in the source material instead of just ~pretty~ and ~brooding~.

He reminds me of that violinist guy from that one…weird movie High Strung. Anyone see that? I think it’s on Netflix. It’s a trip. There’s a scene where guys fence with violin bows.

(also like…that whole second death scene is just…first of all, it takes away all of the emotion from the initial death scene, like Alita already went through this, but like…isn’t her body like super powerful now? Like it heals itself? Is there a reason she couldn’t just…let go and cradle Hugo as they fell so she took most of the brunt force of the landing? No? Is it…is it because of the drama and the sequel-baiting? Is that it? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

It’s that stupid door from Titanic all over again.)

THE ONE MOMENT

We have to talk about it. They put it in here so we have to talk about it.

So listen, when I was reading reviews from people who knew the source material, I was disappointed to learn that this scene is also in the source material. I mean, I’m not surprised I guess, but…blech.

I knew there was going to be some moment where Alita put blood on her face like war paint (which is very unsanitary but you do you I guess) because of the trailer.

But I guess I thought the blood would be like, her father figure. For like real intense motivation, you know? Or like maybe, in her flashbacks, she would always be wearing warpaint or something, so this would be a way to connect with her previous self.

But no. What happens is that the pure, innocent, cute little stray dog that Alita befriended in the beginning stands up to Grewishka to protect Alita…and he gets slaughtered for it.

And it’s the dog’s blood that Alita puts on her face.

Look, I’m sure it’s supposed to represent some intense metaphor like the DEATH OF INNOCENCE because this is also right before Alita destroys her “younger” body (YEAH WHEN SHE GETS HER NEW BODY, it changes as it gets used to her, which basically means she gets more curves and bigger boobs onscreen. This causes the nurse and the doctor to be like “oh she was older than we thought. Haha!” GROSS. STOP. NO. WHY.)

Like, whatever, but leave innocent little dogs out of this. We already don’t deserve dogs and you’re making it worse. There has to be some other way to symbolize the DEATH OF INNOCENCE.

For example, that moment in Mulan? It’s when she replaces her father’s conscription notice with her hair comb. It perfectly symbolizes the DEATH OF INNOCENCE and the change Mulan goes through-she matures so much in that instance and she’ll never try to be a delicate flower again.

See? Beautiful, effective symbolism, all without the unnecessary death of lovable canines. Thanks.

this guy’s CG robot throat is very distracting, not gonna lie

THE “VILLAINS”

You could argue that this movie has multiple villains. You could try to do that, yes.

The big baddie is the mysterious Nova, who…we barely see during the film. He can somehow infiltrate the bodies of others, which is never explained, and while his reigning presence is brought up through the film, there’s never any pay-off because HEAVEN FORBID WE DON’T HAVE A SEQUEL.

Other villains include Zapan (pictured above), who only became a villain really because Alita made a big deal about showing him up at the bar. Like, he was obnoxious and rude and obviously not great before, but Alita’s insistence at humiliating him turned him into an actual villain. She is the reason he frames Hugo for murder and ultimately is the reason for his death. Alita slices his face off because, I mean, TEENAGE GIRLS AM I RIGHT.

There’s also Vector, who like, could have been a fascinating villain if he’d had…any development whatsoever. But he’s the villain because!! He…rigged the Motorball tryouts! And…he doesn’t like Alita! That’s…that’s about all he is and does. The rest of the movie, Nova is basically controlling him, and when Alita kills Vector? It’s not even Vector. She has no mercy for him and doesn’t even let him die as Vector. He dies as a Nova puppet. Which like…ooh, you go, Alita? You really…showed him? Vector’s not even her main enemy, but he’s built up as if he is, and then his death is like “meh, well, that’s done.”

WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY??? WHY did he get into the nasty business of transporting people(‘s organs) to the sky city??? WHO IS HE??? We will literally never know. Now Mahershala Ali does great with the role, of course, for what little it actually is.

Grewishka is built up as this BIG, BAD BADDIE WITH NO FEELINGS!!! ONLY HATRED!!! KILL ALITA!!!! MRAHHHHHH!!! GET BIG EVIL CHAIN CLAW ARMS!!!!!

And then Alita kills him REAL quick in the final act. And that’s it.

Cool.

LOOK ALITA’S WEARING A RAINBOW SHIRT, GUYS. ARE WE GONNA BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE??? NO…? Is it because she has a heterosexual relationship? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

THE ART

Aight, there is a LOT I dislike about this movie, clearly. And I will own that. But I do have to talk about the scenery, the designs, and the general art of the movie.

Because DAMN, YOU GUYS.

While I was sitting there absolutely hating pretty much everyone who was on the screen, I was simultaneously in awe of the design of the movie. Because this is a LOVELY movie you guys, at least visually. The world-building of the Iron City is stunning and I loved whenever they were just walking around or showing different parts of the city. The character design? Gorgeous. The design of Alita’s first body is like, engraved ivory or something, it’s beautiful. The Motorball scrimmage scene is just fun-looking, it’s gritty and dystopian and perfect. The thought that goes into the design of every single different cyborg character is incredible.

Now, I have mixed feelings about Alita’s ridiculously giant eyes. It’s like we said “hey can we have an actually decent anime adaptation that isn’t white-washed and clearly shows love for the source material?” and Hollywood was like “so what you’re saying is…the thing we’re missing in these anime adaptations…is the biG ANIME EYES!! YES!!!” and we all said “no wait” but they did it anyway.

However, I read from one of the people who knows the source material, that apparently when Ido finds Alita in the scrapyard originally, her eyes are OPEN. Like that’d be super freaky of course, but apparently it’s because there’s this whole big theme in the original series about the importance of eyes-in the current world, it’s possible to replace almost every part of your body with cyborg parts. Eyes are incredibly valuable because of this. Plus there’s all that stuff we know about “eyes being the window to the soul” or whatever.

So like, from that standpoint? Super cool.

Did they actually explain that or go into that in the movie?

No.

At least everything was pretty to look at.

more movies with robots holding cute little stuffed mushrooms, please

WHAT I WISHED HAD HAPPENED

I think this movie had a lot riding on it, and it had a lot of potential. Apparently, I am very alone in thinking it wasn’t good…at all. And that’s fine.

One thing that consistently bugs me the more I think about it is Alita’s characterization. Now, again, I don’t know how it goes down in the manga/OVAs, but when I liked Alita the most is when she had just woken up and was seeing the world for the first time-that was when she was actually vulnerable. That was when Alita was relatable. Seeing Alita freak out about chocolate? YES, GIRL, ME TOO. Seeing her lose her mind about a cute boy that saved her and smiled at her? SAME, GIRL, SAME. And this picture here, where she’s curled up like a kid with a cute stuffed…thing?

As soon as Alita becomes this invincible weapon, she loses any humanity she’d previously developed and Hugo apparently loved her for. And maybe that’s the point. But it was so quick.

She NEVER goes back to this vulnerable kid again-even when she loses Hugo (for real…”for real”) she doesn’t get to break down about it. Yeah, she screams for him in the moment, but like I mentioned before, she then slices her own tear in half and doesn’t let herself feel weak.

Now, okay, okay, this could be good setup for an interesting arc in the sequel. I agree! Maybe Alita learns that letting yourself feel the sad things makes you more human, not less, and isn’t that what Hugo would have wanted (I guess? who knows what Hugo wants. His character is never explained. Except big eyes? Is that what he wants?)? Sure!

My point is that you can’t give Alita all these vulnerable scenes and then rip ALL of that away from her-why does she have no remorse for those she kills? Why does she paint the dog’s blood on her face rather than cry for it?

Dear Hollywood,

You’re allowed to write strong female characters that also have emotions. Showing them breaking down and feeling sad and then working to overcome those feelings, watching them dealing with them rather than ignoring them…that’s what makes a strong female character.

Female characters don’t have to be either ALL emotion or NO emotion. They can be both.

Groundbreaking, I know.

All I want is a movie about a cyborg girl who discovers things like oranges and chocolate and then discovers she used to be a weapon and then spends time choosing to be a weapon again, not because she feels like she has to because she used to, but because she finds something to fight for. Let her feel something about the people she kills. It’s okay to. Or if she doesn’t explain why. Let her go through a journey.

As beautifully choreographed as the fight scenes in this movie were, maybe less fight scenes and more character development. It makes the story stronger.

Just me?

Okay.

THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, ALITA. Or the sword chooses the cyborg. Because yes, it is a ~magical cyborg sword~

“OOF” MOMENT

…can I say the whole movie?

Okay, okay, that’s mean. But really, there were so many moments that just…ugh it didn’t feel like I was watching a big blockbuster movie, it felt like I was watching a student film project. It’s the dang script. “You are the most human person I’ve ever met”? REALLY?

YOU HAVE REAL HUMAN FRIENDS, HUGO. NOT THAT YOU WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU IGNORE THEM MOST OF THE FILM AS SOON AS ALITA SHOWS UP.

Anyway. That dog death scene though. The one we don’t talk about. Yeah. That moment wins.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Hands down it’s when Alita tries chocolate for the first time.

“wait who is this character you didn’t talk about this chara-” yeah because she’s in the movie for all of one entire scene and then she dies. BUT SHE GETS A POSTER!

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Look, clearly, I am not the person to answer this question.

But, the general consensus seems to be that yes, you should. Do you like the source material? Great, you’ll probably like the movie. Do you like movies with lots of fights and a dead dog and poorly developed characters and terrible dialogue and did I mention the dead dog and also no pay-off because Hollywood can’t make a movie without baiting a sequel anymore? Cool! You’ll definitely like this movie!

I understand that people who are a fan of the source material are a fan of this adaptation, and that’s great! But coming into it as a fresh eye with no knowledge of the source material? I hated it. I really did. And I hate it more the more I think about it. A week has gone by and I’ve definitely settled on hating it. I used to just dislike it.

But if you like it, that is AWESOME. I’m glad you can appreciate things about this movie that I can’t!

But for me, I give Alita: Battle Angel…

1/5 VERY GOOD BOYS WHO ARE ALSO VERY ALIVE BECAUSE THEY DESERVED BETTER!!

Look at how happy and pure and not dead they are!

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

We got a couple of repeats as usual (Us!!!! And Pet Sematary AGAIN), so here are the newbies: Captive State looks FASCINATING. When the trailer first started, I thought it was another Cloverfield movie (and let’s be real-it might still somehow be a Cloverfield movie), but it looks like it’s some sort of dystopian take on political issues but with ALIENS??? I really hope it’s as interesting as it looks, because it sounds like it might be really cool. Next is MIB: International WHICH. Y’ALL. FAM. I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE. I didn’t even know I needed Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth as MIB agents but I DO. I SO DO!!!! The Hustle looks…mehhhhhhhh. I so want it to be good, I’ve loved Anne Hathaway lately, but Rebel Wilson movies seem to be extremely hit or miss. Like it’s a fun premise and it could be really good, but it could also be a lot of physical humor revolving around “haha Rebel Wilson is fat and Anne Hathaway isn’t” which like…we need to stop doing that in female-led movies. In ANY movies, but especially female-led ones because we are better than that. Finally, there was Tolkien, which, as soon as someone figures out what that movie is actually about, please let me know. Like…is it about his life? How he came up with Lord of the Rings? The trailer is really pretty but it honestly doesn’t tell us much. Except that Lily Collins is in it, and I love her. Which means she probably dies.

And that does it for this review! If you made it this far and still want to see the movie, go for it. I won’t understand it, but you do you, pal.

The Kid Who Would Be King Review

February 5, 2019 PlayerOneLeave a comment

the tagline just sounds like another day at school really

So this afternoon, I took myself to the movies and saw The Kid Who Would Be King, the next in a long line of remakes and adaptations of the King Arthur/Merlin/Morgana/Knights of the Round Table story.

I feel like I saw about zillion trailers for this movie but then I haven’t heard anything since it was released, so I truly didn’t know what to expect from it. I mean the trailer made it look cute and fantastical and I love almost anything Arthurian or whatever, but trailers can be verrry misleading.

I am happy to report that this trailer was NOT misleading (in most respects, more on that later), SO without further ado, let’s pull the plot from the stone and dive right in.

Pun game less strong, sorry about that.

so cheesy and ridiculous and also perfect

THE PLOT

The movie begins with an animated segment detailing the basic overview of the Arthurian legend for the audience’s sake. It’s a story many of us have heard before in some fashion, and it loosely covers the big points: Arthur pulled the sword from the stone as a kid, became a great king, gathered knights at a round table so they were all equal, fought Morgana, has a magic buddy named Merlin, so on and so forth (again, it’s a very basic overview and obviously cannot touch on every detail if you know the legend well. It sets up only what needs to be set up for the following story. This is likely why Guinevere was not included, among other things). It’s done in a sort of comic book-esque animation, and it’s quite lovely.

We then meet our main character Alex (Louis Ashbourne Serkis), a pretty average kid who does things like skip breakfast, leave his big homework projects to the last second the night before, and run to defend his best friend Bedders (Dean Chaumoo) from the school bullies Lance (Tom Taylor) and Kaye (Rhianna Dorris). He’s so determined to defend his friend, he actually gets into a full-out fist-fight with Lance. Later, trying to outrun Lance and Kaye after detention, Alex seeks shelter in a gated-off construction area, where he finds, you guessed it, a SWORD IN THE STONE. Well, okay, it’s a sword in a concrete block. BUT STILL.

Alex and Bedders joke about the sword being “The Real Excalibur” or not, and that night Alex is attacked at home by some kind of evil fiery underling, presumably one of Morgana’s (the wonderful Rebecca Ferguson). Around this time, Merlin (Angus Imrie) arrives and shows up at their school to watch over Alex and occasionally sneeze and turn into an owl (going by the extremely clever undercover name…”Mertin”). His cover is quickly blown when he realizes that the solar eclipse, the event that will apparently allow Morgana to escape her underground confines and enslave all of Britain, is actually in four days and NOT in four years, like he originally thought. This causes him to need to speed up the timeline a little, revealing his adult form (played by the one and only Sir Patrick Stewart) in order to convince Alex and Bedders of how dire the situation really is.

Once Alex and Bedders believe, they try to recruit Lance and Kaye to the cause around the round dining table. From there, they embark on an epic quest to train, find the truth about Alex’s father, grow as human beings, and recruit a giant army to defeat Morgana once and for all and save the world.

No pressure.

the real magic is Merlin’s never-ending neck

THE REVIEW

Listen I had a meeting this morning which means my to-do list tripled, so I picked this movie to see after because I assumed it would be lighthearted and enjoyable and I wouldn’t cry or feel too many emotions or anything, I mostly just wanted fun and escapism (this is why I’m seeing Miss Bala tomorrow instead because that’ll be anything BUT lighthearted and fun).

Beyond that, I guess I honestly wasn’t expecting much.

And listen, this movie? It’s delightful.

Is it groundbreaking in any way? Not really. Will it win any awards? Probably not. Is it a true cinematic experience that you feel in your soul? It’s not Black Panther, no.

BUT. It’s good. It really is. And it’s fun. And it’s relatively diverse. I think it would be enjoyable for kids and adults alike. It’s a great family movie.

More than anything else, it is chock-full of amazing, important, wonderful messages for kids. Kids watching this movie will come away feeling like they can do anything, and you know what? They absolutely can.

It doesn’t have incredible script-writing and heartbreaking moments like Pixar movies, it doesn’t have the budget, namesake, or even probably the staying power of your typical Disney movie, and best of all in my opinion, it does not have any pandering, stupid “kid-humor” like other aimed-at-kids movies.

Because the main cast we cheer for are all kids, and because it wants the audience to take their quest just as seriously as they do, it never for one second (except when plot-appropriate) tells the kids of the movie, or the audience, that they cannot have a heart-pounding, serious, and fun adventure story all of their own. It respects the kids in the audience just as much as the kids onscreen, and it’s extremely refreshing. You know it’s a kids’ movie just because of who the cast is and how the story goes, but not because of the jokes that can sometimes define (and ruin) a movie like this.

Again-is it groundbreaking and impressive? Not necessarily.

Is it important?

I think so.

Spoiler warning now in effect for the more detail-oriented breakdown of the review, if you’d rather watch it first and come back!

Morgana had the best theme of the entire score and you can’t change my mind

THE MUSIC

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Listen, it definitely had some good moments. The little acoustic theme that played in the beginning, and then when the characters started their journey altogether? Light and fun, loved it. The tree training battle music??? Quirky and weird and it was great. MORGANA’S EVIL MUSIC??? That was the best part tbh.

Overall, nothing about the main score really stood out to me personally. There was epic music when there needed to be (and there needed to be a lot of it) and there were sad elongated chords playing for the more poignant moments. But overall, you could put a lot of the music over footage from a separate adventure fantasy film and it wouldn’t make much of a difference. It didn’t feel like the score for Into the Spider-verse, which was so personalized and unique to that movie that it wouldn’t fit with anything else.

And maybe that wasn’t the point, and that’s fine. The main important thing is that the score didn’t detract from the film at all, and that’s crucial.

they are just babeys…poor babeys, children, pls save them

THE CHARACTERS

They are precious beans who need to be protected, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

But really, part of what makes this movie so fun is how the characters are and how they interact with one another. By the end, I loved all the kids-and it didn’t necessarily start out that way.

Bedders was probably my favorite from the beginning-he’s just so supportive and excited about everything, and his moment where he stood up to Lance and Kaye to protect Alex (where usually it’s Alex protecting Bedders) was so sweet. Plus when he learns how to do actual magic as opposed to the magic illusions he was working on, he’s SO EXCITED and it’s so precious.

Lance and Kaye never really have development apart from each other, as they generally serve the same purpose in the plot-they’re the bullies, or Alex’s enemies, who get recruited and become knights by the end. They learn to fight for something other than themselves. Lance overcomes his selfishness and Kaye…they make a big-deal about how she is “callow” which is odd because they’re kids? Aren’t they all callow?? She doesn’t necessarily have a big moment to overcome that, although she does save Bedders during a horseback incident and she drives the getaway car in that one chase scene. They’re obnoxious in the beginning, as they are meant to be, and they’re wonderful by the end.

Merlin is an absolute dork the whole way through the film. When he’s a teenager, he’s lanky and overexcited and loud and wears the most ridiculous bright yellow rain boots, and when he’s an adult, he’s quirky Patrick Stewart. He strongly believes in the kids, as he tells Morgana in a pivotal moment, and he’s really the first adult character to do so, which is refreshing.

It took me the longest to warm up to Alex as a character, and I’m still not convinced I really like him by the end necessarily. Through the first half of the film, the quest is to find his long-lost father, whom he believes knew all along that Alex was “the once and future king” based off of the way he signed a copy of the Arthurian legend for his son. However, on the quest, they find out that the book signature was actually forged by Alex’s mother, and the truth is that his dad was no hero-he was an alcoholic who left the family. This does give Alex some interesting development-as Merlin explains, Alex is not a direct descendant of the original Arthur…and he doesn’t have to be. The sword “chose” him because of who he is, not because of any family connection. So from then on, Alex just has to believe in himself because of himself, and not for any other reason. It’s a nice moral.

There is a slight problem here, however. While I fully support the message of “you can be anything no matter where you come from,” it’s still a message and a plotline that they gave to a white boy. While it’s still incredibly important for him to believe in himself, it still stands true that Alex (and Lance) will have the least amount of problems growing up simply because of who they are. They are white males, they are naturally privileged, and they will continue to be. The message of believing in yourself regardless of your background is an important one, and a beautiful one-but wouldn’t it have been that much more powerful if it had been a plotline given to a character of color?

Regardless, like I said, it’s still an important message. And almost every single kid who goes to see the movie will come away having seen themselves on screen saving the world-how cool is that?

It kind of reminds me of when the new A Wrinkle in Time came out, and many people were disappointed because it wasn’t exactly like the book-but can you imagine all the little black girls who saw that movie, and saw a girl who looked like them being told over and over again how smart she was? And not in a condescending way, either-her love interest admired her because of how smart she was.

That’s the beautiful thing about stories like this: they let kids imagine that they can be the main character just as they are. They can save the world just as they are. They can do great things just as they are. They don’t get pandered to or patronized because they are children; they are simply believed in.

this movie is also known as The Kid who GOT TO HANG OUT WITH PATRICK STEWART

THE MESSAGE

I touched on this a bit (a lot) in the characters section, but there’s another side of it.

What makes this movie worth seeing isn’t the characters, it isn’t the plot, not the score, the cinnamontography (that’s a real word I swear), its take on the Arthurian legend, or EVEN Sir Patrick Stewart (he’s still great though). What makes this movie worth seeing, I think, is the message.

Like I said in the characters section, one big message in the movie is that kids can do anything, no matter where they come from. They can stand up for themselves, they can perform seemingly impossible tasks (like pulling a sword from a stone), or they can fight off an army of demons. It’s a great message, and another message that slides into that is that friendship is an incredible power all on its own. Alex invited the two people who helped make his and his best friend’s lives’ at school miserable and gave them an opportunity to fight alongside him. I don’t think the overall point there is that you should go around offering your local bullies friendship bracelets (although hey, why not), but rather to see them not as bullies but as people. Though it was touched on only lightly, Lance and Kaye had reasons for behaving the way they were. For some reason, maybe something in their home lives, they believe initially that the world is unfair and they can’t do anything to change it, so why try? They feel like it’s completely hopeless, and moreover, they themselves feel worthless. They got that message from someone in their lives. And they acted out because of it.

Alex and Bedders saw that in them, and tried to help them see past it. And it led to a really powerful, unassuming friendship, and lots of supporting each other when all hope was lost. Also, friendship hugs!! And cuddles!!!

But in my opinion, the strongest message of all is that the kids are the future. It’s cheesy, and it sounds like a campaign slogan for PTA president, but it is the message. It comes out the clearest for me during the final battle.

Merlin confronts Morgana before she goes to face off against Alex & Co., and it’s important to note that while their initial confrontation takes place when Merlin appears to be a teenager, he changes so that this next moment happens in his adult form. These are two adults facing off now.

Morgana’s stance is that she is owed the sword, and the power, because she is the last living Pendragon. And have you seen these KIDS??? With their “TOYS” and “TRINKETS????”

“Do you really believe in them?” she asks, because she doesn’t take them seriously-she flat-out asks Merlin if he chose children because he thought she wouldn’t have the guts to do anything to them.

Merlin says that of course he believes in them. Those kids have more courage and heart than you’d believe.

“We are the past, Morgana. Those kids are the future.” Merlin, in his adult form, says to her then.

Sound like a familiar argument?

This is crucial because Morgana is embodying what every adult in the film has said, has believed, up to this point: they’re just kids. The world will not be kind to them. We can’t baby them and have them believe in fairy tales. They’ll have to earn the good things in life, it won’t just be handed to them. It certainly wasn’t handed to us!

Merlin is the one adult in the film who stands against this (sure, Alex’s mother believes her son only after he summons the Lady of the Lake in their bathtub, but you can tell she’s still coming to terms with everything). He realizes that their time is over: these kids? Their time is just beginning.

I don’t want to get in to a whole generational war, not necessarily, but the metaphor is there.

And it’s important for kids seeing this movie to see that, to see not only themselves being awesome and saving the world, but to see that yes, many adults, many people from the previous generation will not believe in them…but some will.

Kids need to see adults believing in them, because they are the future.

MY THEORY

One of the many things that stood out to me during the film was this sense of bluntness about everything. In the beginning when Alex is heading to school, we hear a newscaster flat-out discussing how the world is doomed because more dictator-esque and authoritarian leaders are in power than ever before. I mean sure, but jeez, that’s a little, well, blunt. Then, Alex passes by a newsstand, and every headline is something like “DOOM.” or “THE TERROR CONTINUES.” I mean there is NO subtlety.

This is followed up by almost every conversation Alex has with an adult during the movie. When he speaks with the principal after getting in a fight, the principal tells him that his actions here will affect the rest of his life, he knows that, right? The world is not kind and it’s not going to take care of him.

Okay thanks for the pep talk…

Later he’s talking with his mom who tells him that his dad would never have wanted his son to be someone who believes in fairy tails or carries swords around.

I mean I really don’t think that exact topic would have occurred to him?

Even later, when Alex meets his aunt and learns the truth about his dad, she is not gentle with him at all. She says that his dad was not a good man at all, she doesn’t even know where he is, he doesn’t love them and never did.

I mean I get it’s a fantasy movie, but YEESH.

That felt a little too far outside the confines of reality, and those were all supposed to be real conversations, no magic to be seen.

What occurs to me, however, is that all of that makes sense if you think of it from a child’s viewpoint. A child might hear discussions of some dangerous leaders in the world, and translate that into a newscast about more authoritarian leaders than ever before. A child might translate long newspaper headlines into what they really are saying: “DOOM.” “THE TERROR CONTINUES.” A child might get in trouble at school and all they’d hear from the principal is that those actions affect the rest of their lives, even though they don’t (Alex is 12-you hear stuff like that in high school and it still isn’t true). A child would hear complicated reasons for a parent leaving and assume it’s because of them, because they believe in fairy tails and stupid things like that. A child would hear that a parent left because they do not love them.

Merlin has fascinating magic all throughout the film (every time he casts a spell it’s very Syfy’s The Magicians-esque), but one of the most unique things he does is cast a spell on an adult figure to get them to do what he wants. But what I noticed more than anything is that the spell silences the adult. Once the adult is silenced and not putting the kids down anymore, they can continue with their quest.

Morgana may be the embodiment of evil and Alex’s main enemy throughout the film, but another enemy is the adults in his life not believing in him and not trusting him. He hears all of that and translates it into something else, even if it’s not the message originally intended.

At the very end, Merlin congratulates the main four kids and, most importantly, tells them exactly what it is about them as individuals that helped them win. Merlin is the first adult to see them not as children with fantasies, but as fully-fledged humans. They’re still growing up and changing, of course, but they are people, just as they are right then.

He then says to them in my favorite line of the film: “A world is defined by its leaders. And what leaders you’ll be.”

Catch me CRYIN IN THE CLUB AT 6

no the real message is give kids swords, it’ll be fine I swear (I’m lying that’s not true at all don’t give kids swords)

“OOF” MOMENT

Like I said, this movie is not, as a whole, a masterpiece by ANY means. There are some acting moments that are just…yikes.

But I mean they’re KIDS OKAY.

Still, there are some moments between Alex and Bedders when they’re talking and it’s just…they’re reading a script y’all, that’s it.

There’s also a scene early on where Alex’s mother is talking to him and they’re both in the frame but she’s not actually looking at him she’s looking just past him and I just???

Also Merlin transforms into an owl in front of the whole school to convince them to join Alex’s army and when he lands he’s all moody teenager “HOW EMBARRASSING” but like…Merlin you’ve been doing that the whole movie. Merlin you wore a too-small uniform to school to spy on Alex. Merlin you said your name was “Mertin.” MERLIN.

FAVORITE MOMENT

I’ve said a lot about this scene already and why it’s my favorite, but nothing can beat that last scene between Merlin and the kids. It’s just really heartwarming and pure.

Also, the scene where the trees are training the kids how to sword-fight? Adorable. Wonderful. 10/10 training montage.

GET IT BECAUSE HE’S A KID AND THE FINAL BATTLE IS AT SCHOOL GET IT??? GET IT???????

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Look, this movie is not perfect. I honestly had real mixed feelings about it up until the third act. And just because I like it and pulled a ton of metaphors out of it, doesn’t mean everyone will. It’s still, at the end of the day, a kid’s movie. The stakes are never that high. It’s not Lord of the Rings (although it is referenced! Twice!!), and it’s not going to win Best Picture because everyone knows that’s going to be Black Panther. Two years in a row. This year and next. Because I say so.

The thing is, if you have kids, I think they’d love it. And if you’re worried about sitting through a mindless kid’s movie with them, I can happily assure you that you will at least probably enjoy it, at least a little bit. Or if you just wanna take yourself to a fun, hope-filled movie about the power of kids and the younger generation, I think you’ll be satisfied.

It doesn’t accomplish anything great, necessarily. But I still think it’s important.

And if you’re worried that it’ll screw up the Arthurian legend (like one review I read? The person was like…real passionate about the fact that Alex was billed as being Arthur’s descendant and that’s IMPOSSIBLE based on the legend like CHILL FAM. It was marketed that way of course because it’s a character development moment for Alex and also??? It’s a kid’s movie), well I don’t really know what to tell you. Hollywood does stuff like that all the time. You’re welcome to make your own movie, though.

The point is, for me personally, I give The Kid Who Would Be King…

3.5/5 WEIRDLY GLOWING EXCALIBURS!!!

Yeah, Excalibur glows like a flashlight, idk what to tell you.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Definitely a different caliber of trailers from what I’ve been seeing lately! We have Dumbo to start us off which…I have such mixed feelings about??? I want to like it, and it’s Tim Burton, but ughhhhh the original is one of my least favorite movies EVER. I’ll probably still see it just to check (plus like…Colin Ferrell) but I’m remaining cautious. UglyDolls is DEFINITELY on my list, okay, this is my aesthetic. I mean…UglyDolls??? Kelly Clarkson???? JANELLE MONAE????????? I’m there. Spider-man Far From Home cracks me up because I feel like at least part of Avengers:Endgame is ruined. Like I get it, but also…we’re all going into Endgame now knowing Peter’s gonna be okay. The real question is…WILL SHURI BE OKAY???? A Dog’s Journey is the continuation of A Dog’s Purpose from a couple years ago, and yeah I love crying about reincarnated dogs, give it to me. WonderPark looks like it could be really good…oooorrrr really meh. We’ll see. I don’t really have any feelings about Dark Phoenix because I haven’t really been following the X-Men movies at all, but I might watch them to catch up. The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part is a given since the first one is one of my favorites, and I hope the sequel does it justice. I have my doubts, since we all saw Lego Batman and Ninjago (or maybe we didn’t). Finally, Breakthrough looks…interesting? I want to look up the true story it’s based on, and there’s a good chance it’ll be REAL preachy. But maybe not. Plus, Chrissy Metz!! Making us cry about something other than This is Us this time! Also, Mike Colter!! It’ll be fun to see him as someone other than Luke Cage.

And that does it for this review! If you want a decent, fun, heartfelt movie to give you some escapism and a good time, I recommend you take yourself to the movies to see The Kid Who Would Be King.