Guillermo Del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities REVIEW

It’s been a very Guillermo Halloween for me this year, as I watched Crimson Peak for the first time, and have just finished Cabinet of Curiosities (both available on Netflix right now, if you too are so inclined to have a very Guillermo (extended) Halloween (as this review is coming out after Halloween, but c’mon–we can enjoy spooks all year round!)).

So how is the Cabinet?

It’s part strange, part horrifying, part mesmerizing, and all absolutely wonderful. In other words, it’s everything a cabinet of curiosities should be.

General Things

Like del Toro himself explains in the prologue of the first episode, the “cabinets” that the series takes its name from were actually collections of objects that largely originated in the 16th century (though some did exist prior to this–you know, before cabinets were cool). Often they were actually a room of curious items, rather than a cabinet or box (or the funky contraption del Toro uses in the prologue of every episode to introduce the piece).

In many ways, the cabinets were museums–celebrations of the weird and unusual in science and art. Famously, though, some of the objects were faked, such as “mermaids” or other creatures with human skulls and torsos attached for the sake of shock value (or maybe they were real–who’s to say?). At their heart, the cabinets were, as the name suggests, a celebration of our natural curiosity for the world around us and everything in it.

Although the term has been coined in recent years to represent more horrific and fantastical objects rather than a celebration of the wonders of the natural world as is, well…who are we to argue how those two sides can be connected? Is it not horrifying that many species will eat the heads of their mate? Is it not eerie that there are carnivorous plants? Is it not unsettling that more than 80% of the ocean remains unexplored by us?

The point, I suppose, is that while this Cabinet of Curiosities is, at its core, a horror anthology, it does fit in beautifully with the original purpose of those initial cabinets–to celebrate and put on display the weird, the unusual, the strange, the unsettling, and yes, maybe even the real of the world around us.

Every episode is introduced by del Toro himself, as he unlocks a new section or opens a new door of a mysterious cabinet-esque contraption, laying out for us an object that ties in to the story we are about to enjoy, as well as a figurine of the director for each piece. I’ll discuss each episode in both a spoiler-free and spoiler-filled light, just in case you’d like to experience the Cabinet for yourself without fully knowing what lies in wait.

Episode 1: “Lot 36” directed by Guillermo Navarro

just your totally average storage unit, nothing to see here

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

Set in the 90’s, we follow military veteran and white supremacist Nick on his journey to get some super friendly debt collectors off his back. To get money, Nick buys storage units and sells whatever he can find inside that’s worth something (at least to him). Everything changes the day he buys lot 36 and attempts to get a price check for a unique occult table and set of books he finds inside.

Potential scare warnings include Nick being a racist asshole, an unsettling shot of an animal skull early on, and a demon tentacle monster doing demon tentacle monster things.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

Early on in the episode, we’re introduced to a very sweet house cleaner named Emilia. Due to a miscommunication, the manager of the storage building accidentally sold her unit to–you guessed it–Nick. Emilia pleads with Nick to get her stuff back, especially sentimental stuff that would have no value to him, but Nick refuses, throwing in a bunch of racist insults and slurs for good measure. Out of the “goodness” in his heart, he does give her the padlock to her old unit. Gee. Thanks.

(This will literally come back to bite him later)

After trying to get a price check for a wooden table he finds in lot 36, Nick is introduced to Roland, who offers a mighty sum for the table and the books found within. If Nick is able to find the elusive fourth volume, the money Roland will pay will absolutely cover Nick’s debts and then some. Nick and Roland head back to the storage lot, determined to chase down the fourth volume. Along the way, we learn with them that the owner of lot 36 made weapons for the Nazis during WWII–a kindred spirit, Nick!

We also learn why the fourth volume is so rare–the books are used to summon a demon, and the fourth volume actually burns to a crisp upon completion of the transaction and pact with said demon. Nick, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just wants to find the fourth book so he can get paid.

Back in the unit, Roland uncovers a series of newspapers asking what happened to a socialite named Dotty, who apparently disappeared without a trace back in the 40’s. After Nick and Roland discover a false wall in the unit, they enter a cave that smells just super awesome. Following the cave, they enter a room where a mostly mummified body is laid out on a pentagram, intact except for the face, which is nothing but a large opening with some peeks of tentacles every now and then. In the back corner of the room, the elusive fourth volume sits on a stand, decidedly not burned to a crisp. Roland determines that this is in fact the missing Dotty they have just discovered–left to rot left to rot over the years and trap the demon inside her.

Nick, still money-obsessed, breaks the pentagram on the floor in his rush to the back of the room to grab the book. This, of course, was a bad idea, and the demon rises, chomping up Roland. The book burns in Nick’s hands, signalling that the contract has been completed with Roland’s death, but now Nick has a new problem–the demon is loose and doesn’t seem to be all that keen on letting Nick out alive. Nick runs, racing through the storage lot, desperate to find a way out. When he does finally find a door, it’s been locked from the outside.

Who should show up then but Emilia! Nick begs her to open the door and let him out, but instead, she holds up the padlock he had given her earlier. While Nick pleads, she simply places the padlock over the door and walks away, leaving Nick to a tentacly demise. Tentacle-y? Tentacley?

It’s an ending very reminiscent of the “My House” mug shot in Knives Out, which I like. It’s a quick and satisfying little comeuppance story, and while I appreciate the use of mercy in stories and I think there’s a world in which a story like this could be told where the Emilia character does help Nick, it was made very clear throughout that Nick would likely never change. Emilia could help him and he’d still yell at her for “not speaking his language in his country” or whatever. Horror is hard to stomach when a character we love dies–but it can also be a liiiiiittle bit therapeutic when a character like Nick gets what’s coming to them. There’s even a really nice scene where Nick argues with Eddie, the owner of the storage lot, about Nick’s time in the military. Nick complains about how he served his time and his country and so on and so forth and Eddie asks if he happened to notice how many black and brown bodies he stepped on in order to get back home. The story doesn’t make light of Nick’s service, but it does make clear that he’s still incredibly privileged and his status does not excuse his horrific behavior. Tentacle demons don’t discriminate when it comes to their meals, after all.

All in all, I really liked this one. I was left with a couple questions at the end as far as like, the identity of the original owner of lot 36 and why Roland seemed so knowledgeable, but I would also be willing to believe that I missed some things while watching it. It’s also entirely possible that details like that aren’t crucial to the overall story. Still, I’m detail-oriented.

The soundtrack by Tim Davies is incredible and as is true with any del Toro production, the monster effects were simply *chef’s kiss*.

Episode 2: “Graveyard Rats” directed by Vincenzo Natali

she seems nice ❤

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

For this story, we follow a graveyard caretaker named Masson. Though we initially meet him through a scene where he scares off and subsequently shames a couple of graverobbers, moments later we find out that Masson is a bit of a graverobber himself, though his specialty is ripping out gold fillings from the corpses and making money off of them. He drops this initial tooth, however, and when he goes to retrieve it, he’s bitten by a rat. He later tells the individual he usually sells to that he’s more behind than normal because of all the rats doing a bit of their own graverobbing. Desperate after being told he has to settle his debts soon or else, Masson visits a friend of his in the morgue (who is also in on the scheme). Masson learns of a recently deceased rich man whose mouth is FULL of gold fillings, but the morgue employee, Dooley, warns him to wait until after the funeral so the coroner doesn’t start asking questions. So Masson waits, choosing to go after the fillings after the funeral, but it’s a costly choice–there’s more to these graveyard rats than meets the eye.

Potential scare warnings include a whole lotta dead people, a whole lotta rats, skeleton monsters, rat monsters, and a LOT of claustrophobia. If any episodes of The Magnus Archives involving the Buried were ones you skipped, this episode will probably not be your cup of tea.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

When our buddy Masson opens the coffin to retrieve his gold filling payday, he’s shocked to see that the coffin is…empty? Yep–turns out the rats are actually stealing the entire damn body. Horrified both by this revelation and by what awaits him if he’s unable to pay off his debts, Masson somewhat overcomes his own claustrophobia and dives into the hole after the body and the rats. After fighting off a huge number of rats and surviving a rockfall, Masson awakens in some sort of underground tunnel system. The peace only lasts so long, as Masson catches sight of a massive hairless rat further down the tunnel, curled around other rats as if she’s feeding them. This queen rat seemingly disappears moments later, however…only to reappear and chase Masson further through the tunnels.

After narrowly escaping her, Masson ends up in a massive cavern filled with a wholeeeee lotta human bones. Initially panicked, Masson tries to escape, before a thought occurs to him…this is a whole lotta bodies with potentially a whole lotta gold fillings ripe for the taking. Now celebrating his luck, Masson moves deeper into the cavern, uncovering a number of riches as well as a fair amount of strange carvings on the wall with some sort of eerie creature depicted in them. Then, Masson stumbles upon a slightly more well-preserved corpse sporting a really nifty (and probably pricey) golden necklace. Thrilled, he rushes up to the corpse and, after some struggling, manages to snatch the necklace.

This, of course, kind of upsets the corpse (I mean, how would you feel if some random dude walked up to you and snatched your necklace?), who comes to life and starts chasing Masson through the caves and tunnels, screeching “MIIIIINE!” all the way. Masson runs, and just when he thinks he’s escaped the corpse, he finds the rat queen again. He manages to defeat her, but the angry corpse is still after him, so there’s no time to sit around and enjoy his victory. Masson is utterly lost however and starts choosing tunnels at random, hoping somehow he can find his way back to the surface.

Just when all seems lost, he spots light at the end of one of the tunnels. Grateful, Masson crawls towards it, relieved, only to discover it’s not outside light at all–it is in fact the reflection of his lantern light on the plaque on the inside of a coffin lid. Unfortunately, he doesn’t even get a chance to wallow in his misery, as he is promptly swarmed with rats and completely stuck with nowhere to go.

We see Masson again when the two graverobbers from the very beginning, having learned nothing, open the casket and recognize the caretaker. Before they can do anything, a rat emerges from Masson’s mouth, and as the graverobbers scatter, Masson is once again swarmed with rats. Rest in peace, my guy.

I liked this one a lot! Sure, I was left with questions about the underground area, but it was presented in such a way that while we never learned specifics, there were enough tropes to rely on that we figured it out. The rats, and the queen rat in particular, were clearly connected to the carving Masson found underground as well as the corpse with the necklace. Taking the ancient necklace was, obviously, a bad idea. We may not know exactly how the underground area came to be the way it was when Masson found it, but we don’t have to understand that to enjoy the episode. I think it would be a fascinating idea for a full-length film, but it works nicely as is.

The score by Jeff Danna is fantastic for setting up the general unease and creepy crawly atmosphere. Also, naming one of the tracks “The Ascent to Hell” (when we’re all so used to referring to something as a descent to hell) is just incredible.

What did we learn from this one, kids? “Don’t do graverobbing if the rats in your area already staked their claim. Also, don’t steal ancient gold necklaces from corpses. That’s just rude.”

Episode 3: “The Autopsy” directed by David Prior

I’m sure those white tentacles in the poster are a totally normal bodily function. For sure. Don’t worry about it.

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

For this story, we follow a Dr. Winters, brought in by a friend to perform several autopsies in the aftermath of a strange and terrible incident. Winters’s friend Sheriff Craven explains the circumstances behind the incident when the two meet up–it’s a strange case of seemingly unconnected events that all led to one particular miner, a man named Joe Allen, using a strange device to set off an explosion, killing himself and several other miners in the process. What starts off as a routine albeit unusual autopsy turns into something far more sinister and surprising by the end of the night.

Potential scare warnings include, once again, a whole lotta dead people, as well as lots of organs and such (it is called The Autopsy for a reason, after all). There’s also the aforementioned explosion, some stabbing and slicing, and some tentacles (though not nearly as many as Lot 36, so there’s that).

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

While the main meat of the episode (ew, wrong choice of words for this subject matter, my bad) is the titular autopsy, there is a fair amount of time taken to focus on the events leading up to the explosion, that then leads up to the autopsy itself. While Craven goes into detail about the miner who caused the explosion, Allen, discussing how he apparently hadn’t seemed like himself lately, as well as about some dissected human remains the department had recently found in large black bags, Winters takes a moment to divulge that he has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, having a few months to live at the most (this seems like an odd, sad detail in the moment but it does come into play later).

Perhaps the oddest thing about the whole incident, Craven explains, is that at one point, the police were actually in possession of the strange object Allen used in the explosion. Once they’d caught up with him, he had a moment where he could have run–instead, he grabbed the device and headed into the mine, blowing everything (and everyone) up. When Craven then asks if Winters would like him to stick around to keep him company during the autopsies, Winters tells him to head on home and get some sleep (this is, as you may imagine, a poor and unfortunate decision on his part). Now alone with the bodies, Winters starts a recorder to explain his findings to Craven as he carries on, and gets to autopsy-ing.

Though there are some odd details about some of the bodies, there doesn’t seem to be anything incredibly noteworthy, at least at the start. Winters makes note of some strange details as he carries on, but nothing can fully prepare him for the truth, which is….

ALIENS.

(oh, snap)

Yes, that’s right, the reason Allen had been acting so strange lately is because he was actually possessed by an alien parasite creature thing. With tentacles. The thing reanimates the supposedly dead Allen, knocking Winters out. When he comes to, he is strapped to one of the autopsy tables, which is when Alien Allen gets to monologuing about how in its true form, it’s weak in that it is essentially “senseless”–without any sensory organs of its own, it relishes finding hosts to inhabit and using their bodies to experience things, all while feeding off it from the inside. Alien Allen is suuuuuper excited about Winters, specifically because of his cancer. Alien Allen explains that it will essentially fuse minds with Winters, taking the cancer away because it will be feeding off of it, and doesn’t Winters want the cancer to be gone?

While Alien Allen begins splicing up Allen’s body to free the parasite self so it can then slide on into Winters, Winters desperately tries to think of a way to stop the creature, disgusted by the way it enjoys the pain of those it inhabits. As the real Allen dies with the parasite exiting him, he manages to offer the scalpel to Winters, at which point Winters understands everything: Allen caused the explosion because he knew about the parasite, and was trying to get rid of it. And now, with the gift of the scalpel, Winters can do what Allen couldn’t.

While the parasite slowly works its way over to Winters, the doctor gets to work. Stabbing his eardrums with the scalpel, and apparently gouging out his own eyes (I don’t remember that part specifically though it apparently happened, guess I blocked it out…I mean, can you blame me) Winters writes something on his chest in blood before finally slitting his own throat. We then cut to a sort of mystical-looking background, where Winters explains to the parasite through their now shared consciousness that it is now trapped in Winters’s dying and now disabled body–the parasite can’t use many of Winters’s sensory organs for its enjoyment because of how he mutilated them himself. Not only that, but Craven should be showing up soon, and Winters had left his recording on.

Craven does show up, crushed at the state his friend is in, but sees what Winters wrote on his chest with his last moments: instructions to play the recording and burn his body (and the parasite).

This one was devastating to be put through, but I did love it. Part of that is the impeccable acting put out by our leads (F. Murray Abraham, Glynn Turman, and Luke Roberts) but part of it is just how incredibly written and directed this piece is–everything is tied up neatly at the end, and the horror doesn’t win, ya know? Winters’s fate is horrendous, but he’s such a clever and likable character in just the hour or so that we know him, it would be doing him a huge disservice if he had ultimately been unable to take the parasite down with him.

Imagery that will absolutely stay with me forever is the way they cut between Winters performing the autopsies and Allen’s dead hand hanging off the table in the back room multiple times before revealing Allen had been reanimated. We’re used to that shot, where the hand hanging off the edge of the table suddenly twitches or moves, but they don’t play that card immediately and I love them for it. The suspense built up plays directly off of our expectations, and it works so, so well.

The score by Christopher Young is impeccable, and it adds so much in the terms of uncomfy vibes to the story as we learn what really went down.

(To be really nerdy for a second: the first piece featured in the episode, fittingly called “The Autopsy,” is almost…pleasant. It’s played before we know what’s actually happening, but while it isn’t outright scary like the other two pieces Young composed for the episode, something about it still seems…off. It reminds me a lot of the music he composed for the remake of Pet Sematary (my review of which can be found here!) because you would have songs like “Fielding Fine” which are genuinely lovely and nice, and then you’d have…the rest of them. I just think it’s a fascinating thing Young does in the things he composes for.

Anyway. Extra nerdy moment done for now.

But extra sidenote–revisiting my Pet Sematary review now is kinda funny because I make it VERY CLEAR I am no horror aficionado there…and now here I am, a few years later, purposefully watching and reviewing horror stuff because I enjoy it. I still wouldn’t classify myself as an aficionado for this kind of thing, but I do have a newfound appreciation for horror and what it is and can be.

Still don’t like the direction they took Pet Sematary in, though.)

Episode 4: “The Outside” directed by Ana Lily Amirpour

after seeing this one, the light blood splatters on the cutesy-looking title font for this poster make me big sad 😦

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

Welcome to our next story, where we follow a bank teller named Stacey. Stacey is a bit quirky. Though Stacey seems to have a perfectly delightful little life–nice job, nice husband, nice house, etc., she’s convinced that she’s stuck on the “outside,” particularly when it comes to the other women at work. They all look and act a certain way, and Stacey just doesn’t fit in with all that. Also she does taxidermy. So I mean. There’s that.

Everything changes, however, when Stacey gets invited to a Secret Santa party with her coworkers. She and the other women all receive a special kind of lotion called “Alo Glo” which is apparently all the rage and will fix everything wrong in your life, as lotion does. But because you just gotta kick a girl when she’s down, Stacey seems to be allergic to the magical Alo Glo and returns home with a nasty rash. If you thought all seemed to be lost for Stacey, however, fear not–everything’s about to change. So actually, maybe you should fear…

Potential scare warnings include taxidermy and the process of making it, lots of skin stuff because of Stacey’s rash, stabbing, blood, and if you’re more sound-sensitive, lots and lots of squelchy noises because of the lotion.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

So the fun really begins when Stacey is watching TV one night after the Secret Santa party (it was actually a fake Secret Santa party, because it was really just one of Stacey’s coworkers giving everyone Alo Glo samples a la one of those mlm product parties. Stacey was the only one who brought a separate gift apparently, and her coworker didn’t really appreciate the taxidermy duck Stacey made. Weird.). She’s miserable, having called out of work due to the rash.

At this point, the man in the Alo Glo ad starts talking to her directly. He is able to convince Stacey that she’s not allergic to the lotion, and it does have the power to make her beautiful and change her life, this ugly and unhealthy rash is just part of the process, that’s all! It just means it’s working! Doesn’t she want to be beautiful? Doesn’t she want to fit in with her coworkers?

This completely convinces Stacey, and she orders a giant box full of Alo Glo. For the next several days, Stacey continues to stay home from work and slather herself in Alo Glo and her rash gets worse and worse and worse. Her husband begs her to stop using the stuff, saying she should see a doctor, but Stacey is delirious with the promise of “beauty” and is utterly convinced the lotion is working, it’s just a long process. Her husband isn’t convinced. He tries to tell her that she’s perfect and wonderful the way she is, and doesn’t she hate those women at work anyways? Why would she want to be like them? He loves her just the way she is, but Stacey doesn’t care.

At this point, all of the bottles of Alo Glo in the box she ordered suddenly open and the lotion starts pouring out of the bottles, filling the box and spilling over the edge. By the time Stacey gets to the box, the spilled lotion has formed into a humanoid figure, reaching out to her. Stacey embraces the lotion person, drenching herself in the stuff in the process. When she re-emerges, her husband is horrified to see her in this state and makes the decision to call a doctor for her. Frustrated that her husband refuses to “support her” and in a moment of pure anger, Stacey ends up stabbing her husband in the forehead. There’s a long and awful moment where her husband is bleeding, desperately trying to reach out on his police radio for help, but it’s too late–Stacey finishes the job with a hatchet.

The lotion person returns, heading up to the bathroom where it then dissolves into the bathtub, filling it. Stacey sinks into the tub, coating herself with Alo Glo (not unlike how the lotion person looked originally). When she emerges, squelching her way into the bedroom, she notices that sections of the lotion are peeling off–everywhere she pulls the lotion off, her skin is revealed to be smooth and perfect, with the rash nowhere to be seen. By the end, she is, at least in her eyes, beautiful. Thrilled, she runs downstairs to show off her new self to her husband…’s corpse.

In a terrific mood, Stacey goes on to taxidermy her husband, throw on some fancy clothes and makeup, and for the first time since the day of the Secret Santa party, head off to work. While her coworkers are shocked to see her initially, they quickly warm up to her, bringing her into their little gossip gaggle. As Stacey laughs along with them, the camera zeroes in on her, until she’s looking and laughing right at us. She’s no longer on the outside–we are.

Look, all of these episodes are unsettling in some way, but this is the one that sticks with me the most. I think it’s phenomenal and also I hate it so much. It’s so uncomfy!! I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it!! But I love the way it turns beauty norms and even the beauty industry itself into a really effective horror story. I hate it. But I also love it. I could go on and on about how incredible the presentation of the superficial coworkers was, and how while we didn’t want to Stacey to want to be like and fit in with them, we understand how she feels, though! It works so well as a story because it’s so easy to see the Stacey in ourselves–it’s an incredibly human thing to want to belong, and to feel like you’re on the outside of something special that other people have.

I think the part that really kills me (no pun intended) is how genuinely good Stacey’s husband was. You get the impression they had a really good marriage and good relationship, and he was truly worried about her–he didn’t even really try to intervene himself until he thought that Stacey’s health might be in danger. Despite her claims that he wasn’t supporting her, he really did try to! He did try to give her space to figure out what she wanted! In the end though, the predatory beauty culture wins out, and Stacey not only murders him, but what we can assume to be the only truly good relationship she had, all so she could fit in with the popular kids. It’s such an eerie and gorgeous commentary on this particular section of modern society, and it’s chilling.

RIP Stacey’s husband–perfect cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure.

And, of course, Daniele Luppi’s work on the score is phenomenal. It’s super eerie and uncomfy. I hate it. So it fits in perfectly with the episode.

Remember kids, if late night infomercials start talking directly to you, it’s time to turn off the TV and go straight to bed (do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200). Yes, even if the one speaking in the ad looks and sounds like Dan Stevens.

(Sidenote–this episode is based on a webcomic by Emily Carroll which you can check out here if you’re interested! I might do a whole separate post detailing the similarities and differences between the episode and the webcomic because, as previously stated, it is this episode that sticks with me the most out of the bunch and I may never be satisfied talking about it enough)

Episode 5: “Pickman’s Model” directed by Keith Thomas

obsessed with the way Ben Barnes is now typecast as “on the receiving end of unfortunate circumstances due to cursed portraits and everything that entails”

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

Welcome to the early 1900’s! Our protagonist for this story is an art student named William Thurber. Thurber is your typical pretty boy teacher’s pet, complete with lovely girlfriend and a rowdy group of art student buddies. But who cares? No big deal…he wants mooooooooore!

(He wants to be where the monsters are…he wants to see, wants to see them killing!

…*ahem* anyway)

This becomes evident when Thurber becomes absolutely fascinated with new student Richard Pickman. In a realism class where the students are supposed to be drawing what they see, Thurber gets a glimpse of Pickman’s drawing and sees something absolutely horrendous and spooky, though not necessarily realism. Intrigued, Thurber sort of adopts Pickman, encouraging him and asking him where he gets the ideas for his incredibly monstrous and unsettling work. Pickman himself seems to be a sort of foil for Thurber, appearing shy and awkward in comparison to Thurber’s confidence and charming personality.

This friendship is cut short, however, when Thurber starts seeing creatures from Pickman’s art in the real world. When the effect it has on him almost ruins his chances with his girlfriend, Thurber decides he’s had enough.

Years later, Thurber is still having dreams about Pickman’s paintings, but he has, for the most part, seemingly moved on with his life. That is, until Pickman himself reappears, setting into motion a horrific sequence of events that, despite all his efforts, Thurber is unable to avoid or change.

Potential scare warnings include really unsettling and scary paintings (no…really), lots of monsters, blood, and um…cannibalism? They don’t show the actual act, but rather what leads up to it, so it’s heavily implied.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

As you might imagine, Thurber is none too thrilled when Pickman waltzes back into his life years later. He drops off a painting of his as a gift, and Thurber discovers this far too late–his son, James, has seen the painting and now is having awful nightmares. Now this feels personal, and Thurber confronts Pickman, who genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why Thurber is so unhinged about all of this.

(It’s worth noting, also, that nobody else seems to have the same reactions to Pickman’s paintings that Thurber does. Sure, James starts having nightmares, but no one else seems as disgusted and horrified by the art as Thurber is. In fact, when Thurber brings up not allowing Pickman to have a place in a gallery show or not wanting him to even be around anyone else, everyone honestly just chastises Thurber for being rude to poor Pickman. C’mon, Thurber, that’s not very nice of you.)

Pickman finally convinces Thurber to come to his home, to his studio, to see the art. All Pickman wants, he claims, is for the work to be seen. Thurber, itching for this nightmare to end, agrees. Pickman’s studio is just as eerie and unsettling as you would expect, and of course, driven mad by everything so far and his own frustration, Thurber makes a horrible decision and ends up shooting Pickman, killing him. Maybe on accident? Regardless, it’s not great. Thurber then sets fire to all of Pickman’s art, determined to see the nightmare end once and for all, but he’s shocked to see one of the monsters from Pickman’s work appear, dragging Pickman’s body off and presumably eating him. Thurber can’t spend too much time thinking on that, however, and seems to convince himself that everything, including the real monsters, will burn with the art, closing the book on that story for good.

Thurber takes his wife and son to see the gallery show he put on, sending them off to explore while he meets with one of his friends. Sadly, the good feeling doesn’t last long, as Thurber realizes that many of the works on the walls are in fact Pickman’s. Not only that, they’re pieces that Thurber remembers burning that one night. When he goes to ask his friend what the hell is going on, he’s horrified to see his friend has been staring at one of the pieces in a trance, the left side of his head completely mangled while he mutters about something.

Realizing what this could mean, Thurber rushes off to find his family, but it’s too late–they’ve seen the paintings. Thurber rushes them home, ordering one of the gallery workers to take down all of Pickman’s works and destroy them. With that done, Thurber himself heads home. His wife is facing away from him, steadily chopping something. Thurber tiredly apologizes to her, explaining that it’s all over now, and everything’s fine.

As you can probably guess, everything is not fine.

When his wife turns around, we and Thurber are met with the horrific sight and knowledge that she has gouged her own eyes out. Pickman’s paintings have driven her mad, and she is speaking strangely (I mean…you probably would be, too).

(Also, we never see what it is exactly she was chopping up, but the sound effects imply…yeah.)

Remembering one of Pickman’s works in particular, and extremely unsettled, Thurber asks where their son is. His wife simply smiles, and Thurber opens the oven to find…yeah. Just like one of Pickman’s paintings, his wife gouged out her own eyes, and then proceeded to murder and roast their son. Aaaaaand then the episode ends so we have no idea how Thurber deals with this particular roadblock…

Though not one of my favorites, I did enjoy this one, particularly the tragedy of it all. There’s something about the way that Thurber only realizes Pickman’s paintings do depict reality and even the future when it’s just slightly too late–he ends up losing whatever friendship he might have had with Pickman as well as his wife and son. Even Pickman thought they were friends, and tells him as much, and it just breaks my little heart–the story does a fascinating flip from hinting that Pickman, with his strange mannerisms and eerie paintings, must be the villain, to showing that it was never him but the monsters themselves and even Thurber. All Pickman wanted was someone who understood and saw beauty in his work, and Thurber shuts all of that down so he can have a normal life. That choice, however, then leads to him losing absolutely everything.

(This isn’t even touching on the potential queer undertones here–Pickman being “the odd one out,” no one understands him, Thurber reaches out and forms a friendship because he’s drawn to him (HE GIVES HIM A NICKNAME EVEN), but ultimately he chooses societal norms over it all and ends up marrying his girlfriend and having a family with her, shunning Pickman even when he comes back into his life, even when Pickman assumes they’re still friends…IT’S JUST. YES.)

At the end of it, all Pickman wanted was someone who understood and could see the world the way he did. He just wanted someone to share that with. When he brings Thurber to his studio, I don’t think it’s with malicious intent, I truly think he assumes that once Thurber sees the truth, he’ll understand. They’ll be in this together.

But Thurber doesn’t give him the chance. Pickman dies. The monsters are real. His wife goes mad. Children get tossed into ovens. You get the idea.

The score by Michael Yezerski is–you guessed it–amazing. It’s a beautiful blend of sweeping and lovely to set the scene when things are “good” and incredibly eerie and haunting for when the more horrific things happen.

All in all, it’s a great entry into the “Ben Barnes has his life ruined by cursed paintings” cinematic universe.

Episode 6: “Dreams in the Witch House” directed by Catherine Hardwicke

she seems nice ❤ (the sequel)

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

Welcome back to the early 1900’s!

(Yes, we’re still here–this was the Lovecraft section of the cabinet)

For this tale, we follow a man named Walter Gilman on his supernatural quest to save his sister’s soul. When he was a kid, Walter’s twin sister Epperley died, and he witnessed her spirit get dragged away into a forest. Years later, he’s now working for a sort of paranormal investigation society, searching high and low for some way to bring his sister back ~from the beyond~. So far, nothing has worked.

As the people in his life begin to lose patience with him and his obsession with doing the impossible, Walter finally stumbles upon something that almost gives him exactly what he wants. The downside? Epperley’s spirit isn’t the only one out there hoping to get back.

Potential scare warnings include some light creature jumpscares, I think some stabbing, something very similar to that famous scene from the movie Alien, some dead bodies, and some very unsettling critters.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

So basically, as is to be expected, Walter must first deal with a sort of “fall from grace” kind of deal before he’s able to reunite with his sister in any form. His best friend and coworker at the supernatural society basically quits so he can get a better paying job, Walter himself is let go from the society and disgraced, and he loses his original place of residence. He has a plan though!

Walter rents a room in this deeeefinitely not haunted house which apparently used to belong to a witch who was executed, named Keziah Mason. He also starts frequenting this uh…bar? Smoking room? Local cool kid hangout? where he takes an Indigenous drug that allows him to actually venture into the Forest of Lost Souls, which is where Epperley was dragged off to when they were kids. He’s able to find her, but he can’t ever stay in the Forest for long–plus, something has detected his presence there.

(It’s Keziah, it’s the witch lady…I mean it’s called Dreams in the Witch House we were bound to reach this point some time)

After one of his visits, however, he finds that he was actually able to take a torn piece of Epperley’s sleeve back with him to the real world, which convinces him that it is possible to bring his whole sister back with him. By this point he has also befriended another tenant of the witch house, a fellow disgraced individual who believes that Keziah is still out there somewhere, doing her best to return to the real world.

Despite everyone’s warnings, Walter stays focused, learning that the reason he was able to bring Epperley’s sleeve back and the reason he’s able to cross the threshold and find her so easily is because he and Epperley have their own kind of magic: they’re twins. Twins are the key! Determined and confident, Walter ventures into the Forest once more. Unfortunately, he and Epperley are somewhat stuck now because Keziah knows what they’re up to and wants to use them to return herself. Just when they think they’ve outmaneuvered her, however, their position is given away by–and I wish I was joking–a talking human-faced rat.

Walter and Epperley do escape, but they have been followed. They seek refuge in a church, which Keziah at least temporarily cannot enter, and they call on Walter’s old buddy from the supernatural society (who, for his credit, believes Walter now. That’s nice). Shenanigans ensue, and they end up back at the witch house. The new ultimatum, they learn, is that Walter has to die before dawn in order for either Keziah or human-rat to come back permanently. Just when all seems lost and Keziah has Walter pinned, Epperley comes through and destroys her. This action, however, has a price–having saved her brother and escaped from the Forest, Epperley’s spirit is free and she’s able to move on. Walter is, seemingly, alone again.

Meanwhile, the other witch house tenant and Walter’s buddy uncover a dark secret in the house: the body of both Keziah and the human-rat, who turns out to be her familiar, Jenkins.

(Fun fact! The body they use for Jenkins literally looks like a rat skeleton with a human skull on top, most likely a reference to the ways freak shows and cabinets of curiosities would actually meld skeletons in order to sell the “truth” of the existence of hybrid creatures, like mermaids. Very fun! I mean, horrific and unsettling in context, but fun!)

Speaking of rat-boy, guess who hitched a ride out of the Forest? Jenkins is here and he’s pissed at Walter for messing up their plans. He actually BURSTS out of Walter’s chest, a la Alien, and kills him, right before dawn, thereby possessing him. Now in control of a full human body, Jenkins/Walter heads out into the streets, excited to try out this body and all it can do.

(So, yes, out of context spoilers for this episode include, weirdly enough…Ratatouille.)

I walked away from this episode with a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts, but primarily…what?

The more I thought about it, though, the more I was able to settle on thinking how much I really enjoyed this one. It’s absolutely weird, don’t get me wrong, but I think that’s kind of its charm. I think it was smart to pair this story with Pickman’s Model (in terms of when the episode was released) because Pickman’s is so, so dark and bleak and just…yeah. It’s good, it’s just rough. This one isn’t necessarily any happier, of course, but the absolute strange and quirky nature of it was just…I like it. I have yet to hear of anyone else feeling this way, but that’s fine–maybe this one was made for me and me only.

The whole thing also literally comes full circle, because they actually start the episode with a shot of Walter’s body and you hear Jenkin’s voice talking as if it’s him–and by the end, it is! He even sets it up the way Flynn does in Tangled (“this…is the story of how I died…”) and you aaaaalmost forget about that by the time you actually hear both Walter and Jenkins speak. It’s built up in such a way, even, that you think maybe the protagonists won! Alas…it’s another victory for the cursed rats.

(What is it with this anthology and cursed rats?)

I don’t know–something about it feels a lot more fantastical than some of the other entries, and I think that’s cool? But I can see where, coming out of Pickman’s Model, this one feels a bit too out there. Horror can be quirky and weird, too, you guys–that’s one of the beautiful things about the genre as a whole.

As always, the soundtrack for this one, composed by Anne Chmelewsky, fits the vibe perfectly and I love it.

Episode 7: “The Viewing” directed by Panos Cosmatos

somehow, the worst part of this poster for me is the strings of slime stretched between the two horns, and not the horns themselves

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

WELCOME TO THE 1970’S!! In this story, we follow a rather unusual group of individuals who are summoned to an eclectic rich guy’s mansion for “a special viewing.” On the way over, they do their best to try and figure out what a musician, a physicist, an author, and a psychic all have in common (yes, it does sound like the setup for a bad joke). Upon their arrival, they meet both the rich guy himself and his physician and, after a whole lot of drugs to “expand their consciousness” and “get them on the same wavelength,” the viewing commences.

As you might expect, things go horribly, horribly wrong

Potential scare warnings include just a whole lot of drug use, people making a lot of really dumb decisions, and lots of face/body melting. Like, lots.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

Honestly like, 80% of this one is the quirky cast of characters doing drugs and talking about life, so we can skim through that beginning section. Basically, our cast includes:

  1. Eccentric old rich guy Lionel Lassiter who has very strange decorating taste, among other things
  2. His physician Dr. Zahra who I’m sure is extremely smart and capable but also her primary treatment plan seems to be cocaine, which I mean…ya know
  3. Local musician who’s lost his mojo until he starts smoking, Randall Roth
  4. Local physicist who believes in ~aliens~, Charlotte Xie
  5. Local author who’s also, let’s face it, kind of a jerk, Guy Landon
  6. Local ~quirky~ psychic, Targ Reinhhard
  7. (There’s also Lionel’s assistant? Employee? Driver who brings the others to the rich guy house? He’s also there, at least sort of)

And Lionel and Zahra spend most of the time just convincing the others to drink and do drugs (you could totally do a “this is your brain on drugs” ad with the footage of melted faces once we get to that point) and literally the only reason I’m unsure why this is so necessary comes later when it like…directly leads to a lot of death.

Anyway, once everyone’s good and high, (and once Charlotte and Zahra have had lots of ~gay pining~ moments), we finally get to the actual viewing section of the story. Lionel takes everyone to a ~secret room~ where he reveals what he’s been holding on to: some sort of large, sparkly meteor thing (it’s unclear if the meteor is actually sparkly, or if that’s just how they all interpret it due to collective drug brain). They’re all intrigued, of course, and Charlotte is the most excited, being an alien physicist and all. Randall, meanwhile, continues smoking in the room, despite Lionel repeatedly asking him to stop. It is, however, too late.

The meteor seems to inhale the smoke, glittering ominously one last time before it cracks open like an egg (once again…this is your brain on drugs) and reveals that inside is some sort of orange, globby friend. The whole thing was like alien silly putty! By this point, everyone has fallen into some sort of trance, however, and this is where things get unfortunate:

Targ and Guy are the first to die, a la face melting and head exploding, respectively. Panicking, Charlotte and Randall are watching in horror and trying to find a way out of the sealed room. Still in the trance, Zahra approaches the blob and touches it–this causes her to melt. The alien ooze then makes its way over to Lionel, possessing him and kind of turning him into this orange blobby humanoid figure with horns. By this point, Lionel’s assistant/employee friend arrives, promising to give Charlotte and Randall time to escape. Assistant/employee does his best, but ultimately, he is no match for alien ooze.

Charlotte and Randall, meanwhile, hightail it out of there and make their escape in a snazzy sports car, trying to figure out if what they just witnessed actually happened. At the same time, alien ooze makes its way through the sewers, emerging just outside the city–it stalks towards the buildings, and the camera zooms out slowly, showing flickering streetlamps and probably hundreds if not thousands of unsuspecting people who have no idea how to deal with alien ooze.

While I still like this one (because I do like all of them), I will say this one is probably my least favorite of the bunch if only because it’s not my style. The questions I had at the end of this one bugged me more than some of the others–why did the meteorite react to the smoke from Randall? Why was Lionel’s assistant/driver guy completely crying in that one cut when Lionel asked him about the gold gun? Why did the trance state affect some of the attendees so strongly while it didn’t affect Charlotte and Randall strongly enough, thereby allowing them to escape? Not end of the world questions, of course, but for me personally, it left me a bit disappointed and I feel like it weakened the piece as a whole. But that’s just me, I’m sure it was a favorite episode for others and that’s awesome. I’m fully willing to believe the point of it went right over my head. Maybe it’s a commentary on how rich people’s questionable hobbies can ultimately lead to their downfall? Or maybe it’s just another entry in the timeless story of “don’t mess with aliens and turn things we don’t understand into needless spectacle”

Nope review coming to a blog near you *finger guns emoji*)

One thing I did like while trying to look up what year this one takes place–in the prologue for this episode, del Toro talks about what happens when the viewers become the viewed, which is a horrifying question and initially, made me wonder what kind of episode we were in for. This meant at the time, I didn’t see how that question related to the episode at hand. When I looked up the year for this one, however, I forgot to specify “the viewing” from this anthology and just left it as-is, which meant all the results were about the stage of a funeral referred to as “the viewing.”

This hit me like you wouldn’t believe. I’m not sure if it’s the intended connection we’re meant to make, but seeing as a key piece of this episode is us, the viewers, watching this group of people melt to their deaths…well. The ensemble of the episode thought they were attending a viewing of sorts, and they were, but the episode ropes us in as well because we are viewing them.

Then, of course, you get to wonder–who’s viewing us?

“The Viewing Suite” is the only piece of music on the soundtrack for this episode, by Daniel Lopatin. It’s definitely an unsettling, electronic vibe that fits the overall aesthetic of the episode super well. Which means that, of course, I like it.

Episode 8: “The Murmuring” directed by Jennifer Kent

birds playing Halloween charades over here

SPOILER-FREE SUMMARY AND NOTES:

Welcome to the 50’s!

For this story we follow two ornithologists (bird people), Nancy and Edgar. The couple are about to take a trip to a remote island to further study a specific type of bird, a dunlin, and more specifically, why the birds move in what are called murmurations (the episode explains this beautifully, but essentially: you know when a flock of birds all move together, changing directions in a split second? How do they communicate that? How and why do they do it? That kind of thing).

Upon arrival, they are introduced to a caretaker who set up a previously abandoned house for them to stay in, rather than the tents they had planned. As the couple begin their research, it becomes increasingly clear that something else is in that house with them, and two women across history are able to share their grief amidst the call of the flocks of dunlins that inhabit the island.

Potential scare warnings include a creepy child (this is horror, after all), some light jumpscares, child death, suicide, and some like…frightening imagery I guess? The ghosts are spooky-looking.

SPOILER-FILLED ENDING DESCRIPTION AND NOTES:

The house Nancy and Edgar are told to stay in had previously been abandoned for decades, and it does show in the weathering on the exterior, but the caretaker we meet did go through and make sure it has all the basic amenities. There is a hint very early on that something tragic has happened in Nancy and Edgar’s lives, thus Edgar thinks the time away will be good for them.

While the research seems to be happening smoothly enough to begin with, Nancy starts hearing a child’s voice on the recordings she’s taken of the dunlins. She desperately wants to ignore it in the beginning, but the ghosts won’t let her. It becomes apparent that the house is home to two ghosts (at least, maybe there’s more? spoooooky) a young woman and a little boy. The boy always appears frightened and soaking wet, occasionally mentioning how his mom is angry with him, while the woman is frantic, screaming and rushing around, hair flying everywhere. You know, usual ghost stuff.

As time passes and Nancy encounters the ghosts more and more, she becomes obsessed with putting the pieces together of who they are and what happened to them. This puts a massive strain on her relationship with Edgar, as we learn that he wanted to use the trip as an opportunity to rekindle things with his wife after the loss of their daughter, Ava. Through various arguments, we learn that, at least in Edgar’s eyes, Nancy has not grieved for their daughter at all–she hasn’t even cried. After Nancy sort of forcefully asks the caretaker who the previous owners of the house were and what their story was, Edgar has had enough. Why is she more interested in a couple of strangers than her own family?

Thanks to the caretaker and some letters uncovered in Nancy’s own sleuthing, she learns that the woman’s name is Claudette–and as per true haunted house tradition, her life was filled with tragedy. Claudette was in love with a soldier, and though all seemed to be going well, it turns out he was actually married to someone else entirely and he straight up abandoned Claudette when he learned that she was pregnant with their child. Claudette was basically dropped onto the island to live alone, shunned by her family thanks to a scandal that wasn’t her fault. Like Nancy, Claudette had a fascination with the birds on the island and longed to be free like they are (something that causes Nancy to feel a sort of kinship with her, as that is always Nancy’s answer to the question of “what do you like about birds so much?”) But one night, years later, the stress and hysteria proved to be too much, and Claudette snapped, drowning her son in the bathtub.

Initially upon learning this, Nancy is furious with Claudette–I mean, who does that? So one night, when Edgar has already left to study the dunlins (and kind of made it clear that unless Nancy reached out to state otherwise, their relationship was over), Nancy decides to confront the ghosts. She speaks to the scared boy, explaining what happened to him, that his mother did a terrible thing but it isn’t his fault, and the boy runs to her, disappearing and presumably finally moving on. Now ready to confront Claudette, Nancy turns and realizes…she got the story wrong. Claudette did drown her son in a moment of intense anger, but she was wracked with so much guilt immediately afterwards that she jumped from the attic window, killing herself. Heartbroken, Nancy rushes outside to where Claudette would have fallen, but of course, nothing is there.

Instead, however, a large flock of dunlins head straight for Nancy, surrounding her in the murmuration. She spreads her arms, closes her eyes…and then she cries. Once the birds leave, Nancy calls Edgar on the radio and tells him through her tears that she’s ready to talk about Ava.

If The Outside was one of my favorite episodes from the anthology because it made me think and made me uncomfy, this one is one of my favorite episodes because it made me think and made me treasure humanity. It’s one of my favorite horror types, the Crimson Peak and The Haunting of Hill House/Bly Manor type of “it’s not a ghost story–it’s a story with ghosts in it” and “it’s not a ghost story…it’s a love story.” It’s a beautiful tragedy that focuses on relationship expectations and how we relate to the world around us.

I’ve read a couple different reviews talking about what the point of this episode is, and I love how we’ve all come away with different things. Is it a case study of how women’s grief is treated in society as a whole? Is it a commentary on family and the various things that can mean, particularly when loss comes into play?

I don’t know. I think it’s all of those things, and maybe more. We don’t know how Ava dies, or even how old she is when it happens. There’s a scene where Nancy dreams about a baby, so it’s possible that’s how old Ava was when she died, or it could just be Nancy remembering what her daughter had been like. Interestingly, we learn more about Claudette’s tragedy than Nancy’s. There’s a lot that remains unexplained, and I think that’s the beauty of it. I think there is certainly room to interpret that when Claudette died, when she fell from the window, she became those birds she loved so much (Dear Esther, anyone?). So when Nancy learns the truth and she runs outside and the murmuration encases her, it’s not a moment of horror–it’s a moment of gratitude. I think it’s very possible that being trapped in that house made Claudette forget what she had done to her son, so all she was left with was the anger. When Nancy set her son free, Claudette had to once again face what she did…and remembering that grief is what set her free also. That grief that surrounds Nancy at the end in the form of the birds is what allows her to reach out to her husband, to talk about what happened to them. Nancy has what Claudette never did: someone to share her grief with. Is that the only interpretation of the piece? I don’t think so. Grief is such a powerful human emotion, and we’ve spent centuries trying to maneuver it. This episode is just one more way of doing that.

Combined with a haunting soundtrack by Jed Kurzel, I love this piece. I think everything about it is beautifully done, and it’s definitely one I would watch again.

SHOULD YOU WATCH THIS ANTHOLOGY FOR YOURSELF?

YES.

If horror is of any interest to you at all, if you love Guillermo del Toro, if you love anthologies, if you love short, spooky stories…yes. I think if horror isn’t your thing, I would still think about giving it a try, but trust me–I get wanting to skip it.

All in all, it’s a beautiful collection of weird and wonderful things that showcase what it is to be human in many different ways, which, as stated before, is exactly what a cabinet of curiosities should be. If any of this sounded interesting to you, I highly recommend checking all this out for yourself.

Cyrano (2021) REVIEW

Do you ever feel like someone looks into your brain, sees exactly what kind of media you’ve been craving lately, and then they rolled up their sleeves and said “I’ve got this?”

Because that is exactly how it felt watching the trailer for this film. It was like being swept away into a painting where everything is soft and blurred at the edges, lit by candlelight, and full of pretty dresses that go swoosh and sometimes I NEED that, ya know?

For anyone unaware, Cyrano is an adaptation of an 1897 play called Cyrano de Bergerac, which is an adaptation itself of a real-life Cyrano de Bergerac (broadly speaking). It is a tragedy, so just like…just so you’re aware. Like I 1000% knew going in that I would be sobbing and I was RIGHT. But I’m also not mad about it.

Another thing to note–Cyrano is an adaptation. It’s not going to be just a movie version of the play, in any number of ways (partially because this movie is also a musical, and the play…isn’t. Also the entire play is in rhyming verse and the movie…isn’t) but perhaps the biggest difference being the interpretation of the main character. In the original play, Cyrano de Bergerac is portrayed as a man with an insanely large nose, for which he is made fun of constantly. In this version, Cyrano is portrayed by the wonderful and delightful Peter Dinklage, so the character has dwarfism rather than a large nose. I’ve read a couple reviews complaining about this and like…y’all can complain about whatever you want but like…I’ll get into it more later.

ANYWAY. It’s a movie musical adaptation of a play from the late 1800’s, Peter Dinklage has my whole entire heart, and yes I cried a lot and I’m not mad about it.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

SPOILER WARNING NOW IN EFFECT. FOR A 100+ YEAR-OLD STORY. JUST SAYING.

THE STORY

We begin in France in the year 1640, where we are first introduced to the lovely Roxanne (Haley Bennett). She is in the middle of getting ready to go to the theater that night, bickering with her (maid? Friend?) Marie (Monica Dolan) as she does so. Through this sequence, we learn that Roxanne is an orphan with like, zero money to her name, she’s months behind on rent, and she really should consider an advantageous marriage so she can keep living like she’s used to. Marie is insistent that Roxanne accept the flirtations of the duke, de Guiche (Ben Mendelsohn), because like, money, but Roxanne does not love him, and that’s what she craves. Roxanne is an incredible romantic, convinced that love will feel like a sudden lightning strike of passion, and that she will not feel like an object, like she does with de Guiche. However, she does agree to accompany him to the theater, because as she explains to Marie, they cannot afford the tickets without him and she does so love the theater.

During a song sequence on the way to the theater, we are then introduced to Christian (Kelvin Harrison Jr.). Christian is a new recruit, quite poor himself, and wandering around the city, when he spies a reflection of Roxanne and follows her carriage to the theater, where it seems he uses the last of his own money just to get inside to see her. The theater is chaos, but time seems to stop when the two of them finally lock eyes. A thief stealing from Christian finally cuts the tension and Christian scampers off after them, but it’s clear the moment had a great impact on both of them.

The play begins, and it seems that there is a divide between the upper crust and the lower class on just how good (or not) the actor, Montfleury, (Mark Benton) seems to be. Then, we hear a voice from the back, and we are finally introduced to the story’s namesake, none other than Cyrano de Bergerac (Peter Dinklage) himself. As Cyrano engages Montfleury in a battle of wits of sort, ultimately winning as Montfleury flees, he has his own eye contact moment with Roxanne–the two grin at each other, but do nothing to publicly acknowledge the other beyond that, up until de Guiche’s buddy Valvert (Joshua James) loudly insults Cyrano on the spot. Valvert challenges Cyrano to a duel, a decision he will absolutely regret.

Not only is Cyrano charming, witty, and poetic, he’s an incredible swordsman–Valvert didn’t stand a chance. Cyrano wins, disarming Valvert and turning away, but Valvert is furious at being publicly embarrassed like that and attempts to stab Cyrano with his back turned. Roxanne shrieks out Cyrano’s name in warning, alerting him, and Cyrano turns, stabbing Valvert instead. Cyrano carefully lays him down in front of a shocked crowd.

Back in the carriage, de Guiche is furious with Cyrano for behaving as such and dealing with Valvert in such a way. Roxanne tries to insist that Valvert was the one who initiated the duel to begin with, and she assures him that Cyrano took no pleasure in the act. Disgusted, de Guiche asks if Roxanne actually knows Cyrano, to which she replies that he is her oldest friend. Claiming it’s for her own good, de Guiche insists that Roxanne end the friendship.

Later, Cyrano is out drinking with his friend in the regiment, Le Bret (Bashir Salahuddin), where he tells the story of his friendship with Roxanne and he admits that he is deeply in love with her. Le Bret says that he should tell Roxanne how he feels, but Cyrano refuses, insisting that someone like her could never love someone like him, and he is destined to forever love her from afar. Marie then interrupts the men, asking Cyrano if he can select a private location to meet with Roxanne the following day. Tentative to hope but unable to think of any other reason for such a sudden request of privacy, Cyrano and Le Bret wonder if Roxanne indeed loves Cyrano in return.

On his way home, Cyrano is jumped in an alley by 10 men, and though they appear to almost get the better of him, Cyrano emerges victorious–but not before noting de Guiche slinking away in the background. I’m sure that won’t come back to bite him at any point later in the story.

The next morning, Cyrano meets with his baker friend, Ragueneau (Peter Wight), to set up a private room for his meeting with Roxanne. During the search for the perfect room, Cyrano helps Ragueneau with a love poem for his wife, telling him to use metaphors that matter to him and capture something he knows well, such as baking. With the private room settled, Cyrano writes a love letter to Roxanne, but before he can sign it, she appears with Marie. Ragueneau gets to work on food to distract Marie while Cyrano and Roxanne talk. Noticing his injuries from the previous night, Roxanne tends to a particular wound on his hand while she says she has a confession for him. In a rather cruelly-written sequence, Roxanne admits she is in love with someone, a soldier, and she feels as if she’s known him forever but she didn’t realize until the previous night at the theater–all of which just serves to get Cyrano’s hopes up, and before she’s even finished, he says he has a confession to make also. But then, reality comes crashing in when Roxanne says she’s never even spoken to this man but he is FINEEEEE and she loves him.

At this point Cyrano realizes “oh cool so she’s not talking about me after all ha ha that’s awesome that’s great I love that” so he’s a lil bit in shock, kinda looks like he was just smacked with a frying pan, and Roxanne then tells him that her love’s name is Christian, and he’s a new recruit in Cyrano’s regiment (because of course he is). Distraught but ever in love with his friend and wishing only for her happiness, Cyrano agrees to talk with Christian of Roxanne’s feelings and her wish for him to write to her.

This is fine.

The following day at the garrison, de Guiche makes an appearance, offering a position to Cyrano (not out of friendship, mind you, definitely just as a way to keep his enemies close, per se). Cyrano, shockingly, rejects the offer against La Bret’s points about how the position would be well-paid and probably worth his time.

Christian then arrives and is promptly thrown into some sort of hazing fight (as is what happens with new recruits). Still having no idea what Christian even looks like, Cyrano interrupts the fighting, claiming that he will be Christian’s next challenger. Emboldened by victory, Christian makes a few snide comments about Cyrano’s stature, which is just…less than ideal. But Cyrano’s heard it all before, and remains unphased…until he learns Christian’s name. Unable to fight him like he really wants to, probably, Cyrano instead embraces Christian, telling him only that he is “her brother.” Confused, Christian follows Cyrano and asks…”whose brother?” Cyrano explains he’s not actually Roxanne’s brother, they are merely the best of friends, akin to siblings! Hahaha this is FINE.

Christian explains that although he’s thrilled that Roxanne loves him in return, he is in fact doomed, because someone like Roxanne wants wit and poetry and Christian just…cannot do that. The two of them then hatch a plan–Cyrano will write letters for Christian to sign. Cyrano will make Christian poetic, and in turn, Christian will make Cyrano “handsome.”

This charade works well at first, with letters being exchanged and love being had, (except for Cyrano, I guess…) up until Christian meets with Roxanne in person and is unable to speak to her like “he” does in “his” letters. Roxanne is furious, because she needs more than just the simple “I love you” and he’s said it in a million different ways before, why is he suddenly now reduced to calling her a “flower?”

Meanwhile, Roxanne has been doing her best to fend off the icky affections from de Guiche without outright insulting him, and it’s actually working if only because Roxanne is actually like, really clever and good with words? De Guiche is insistent that Cyrano’s guard regiment join him at the front as he’s been called off to fight, and Roxanne, fearing for Christian, persuades de Guiche that the ultimate insult would actually be to leave his regiment behind so that de Guiche and others can attain glory in war while Cyrano is stuck at home. She then manages to convince him that she would love him so much more if he was a decorated war hero, and de Guiche is completely on board with this and decides to head out, leaving Cyrano and Christian behind.

In an attempt to fix the situation between Christian and Roxanne, Christian stands in the shadows beneath Roxanne’s balcony and Cyrano feeds him words to say, eventually taking over entirely and speaking (and singing) plainly to Roxanne of his love. Having fixed the relationship, Cyrano wins a kiss for Christian from Roxanne, which is just…sO GREAT. As Cyrano goes to leave, however, he runs into a priest with an urgent letter for Roxanne. Upon reading it when Cyrano delivers it to her, Roxanne cries–de Guiche is on his way back right then, insistent that she finally come through on her “promises” to him. The priest is there to marry the two of them that night, but if she sends the priest away, de Guiche notes, he will simply be with her without the constraints of marriage; either way, de Guiche will have her that night.

We get another cool glimpse at Roxanne’s cleverness, however, as she wipes her tears away and pretends the letter is written permission and encouragement from de Guiche to be married to Christian, hence, the priest. She hands the letter to Cyrano, however, so he is aware of the true contents. Roxanne insists that Cyrano delay de Guiche–and he heads out to do just that. By the time de Guiche arrives, it is too late; Christian and Roxanne have been married. Furious at being denied what he wants, he decides right then that actually, he will be taking Cyrano’s regiment off to war. That very night. Say goodbye to your new husband, I guess.

Desperate, Roxanne begs Cyrano to look after Christian for her, to keep him fed, and warm, and Cyrano tells her with a broken heart that he cannot promise anything–until she asks that he promise that Christian will write to her. Cyrano nods. That he can promise.

AND NOW WE’RE AT WARRRRRR and, specifically, the Siege of Arras during the Thirty Years’ War. Conditions are…less than ideal. And by that I mean, absolutely awful. Cyrano’s regiment is stuck holding one position and starving in the process. Cyrano himself, meanwhile, sneaks behind enemy lines every day so he can send a letter to Roxanne–Christian himself doesn’t even know how often “he’s” been writing. La Bret then informs Cyrano that their orders have changed–basically, de Guiche had to choose a group of men to send on a suicide mission per the king’s orders, and he has chosen Cyrano’s regiment (in the film, it’s unclear if this is truly a decision made out of malice, as de Guiche looks torn and outright says he takes no pleasure in this (although, those were the exact words Roxanne used when she talked about Cyrano dueling Vavert earlier, so…idk)). Cyrano assumes it is a decision directed at him, since de Guiche isn’t exactly his biggest fan.

The soldiers are well-aware what their new orders mean, and they take the short amount of time they have left to write final letters to their loved ones in one of the most GUT-WRENCHING SONGS IN THE WHOLE THING THANKS FOR THAT. It’s at this point that Christian finally figures out the truth–Cyrano himself loves Roxanne. He insists that Cyrano tell Roxanne the truth, because the decision should be up to her, and her alone.

But Cyrano is so buried in his self-made truth that no one could ever love him–why would he change his mind now? Christian, upset with Cyrano and himself, insists that though he does love Roxanne, he would rather be loved for who he is, not who Cyrano is. Frustrated and likely delirious with exhaustion and hunger, Christian runs out into the battlefield and promptly gets shot down. Cyrano drags him back to the camp, where Christian once again implores Cyrano to tell Roxanne the truth–for what she loves is Christian’s soul, and he explains that Cyrano is his soul. Cyrano, meanwhile, shakes his head, insisting that Christian will not die, he cannot die…but he does. Sobbing, Cyrano leaves his friend’s body and joins the regiment marching off, and we’re forced to watch the soldiers get taken out one by one.

Three years later, we catch up at a convent, where Roxanne now spends her days. The sisters talk about Cyrano, who frequently visits, but refuses to eat or take any steps to care for himself. Sure enough, Cyrano is ill and ever dealing with wounds that did not heal properly from the war. He is still writing to Roxanne, though still not signing the letters himself, unable to fulfill Christian’s dying wish to tell Roxanne the truth. On his way to the convent that day, he collapses, making him later than he usually is.

Roxanne insists that he will be there, because he’s always there. Sure enough, Cyrano does make an appearance, and the two old friends sit to talk (though Cyrano fails to mention that he fears he is dying haha oops). Finally, Cyrano requests that he be allowed to read Christian’s last letter, which Roxanne keeps with her at all times. She obliges, and notices as he reads it that he’s not actually reading it, he’s remembering. It’s been him all this time.

NO. REALLY.

Cyrano denies it, however, no matter how much Roxanne insists that she knows it to be him. It’s at this point that Cyrano collapses, his wounds finally catching up with him. Roxanne says over and over that she loves him, she will not lose him a second time, it’s not going to happen. Cyrano, of course, is like “wait I’m confused the person you love is dead” and she’s just…you’re so stupid oh my WORD.

The two sing a heart wrenching little duet, share a kiss, and she says again that she loves him. HIM. Not Christian, not his words, but just Cyrano, as he is. In a moment we will absolutely discuss momentarily, Cyrano dies by saying that he loved…his pride.

The film ends on a shot of Roxanne crying over Cyrano’s body, the whole convent washed in a golden-white light.

WHAT A HAPPY TIME AM I RIGHT HOW ARE WE DOING

THE VISUALS

THIS MOVIE. IS SO PRETTY.

You can tell it’s the Joe Wright team when basically every shot looks like it could be a painting, and it’s absolutely my aesthetic. I’m on board.

It’s so hard to narrow down but notable visual moments that smacked me in the face include:

  1. The eye-contact moment between Christian and Roxanne at the theater. Stop. Stop that. How did they capture the entire idea of love at first sight. How. No. Not okay. Thank you.
  2. Honestly the entire opening where Roxanne is singing on the way to the theater and people are dancing and you can see it in the reflection??? I don’t know what’s up with cinnamontography and filming dances in reflections of windows but like…I’m not complaining.
  3. I’m gonna try not to list every dance sequence but um–the bakery??? Like…you know that pottery scene in Ghost? It’s like they looked at that scene and said “what if we made that a whole choreographed number?” Like…that mixed with Peter Dinklage singing? I’m not okay.
  4. Probably entirely due to Peter Dinklage’s acting–the scene where Roxanne and Cyrano meet in private and the moment he realizes she’s not talking about him? She’s not in love with him after all? You see that exact moment in his face and it’s heartbreaking and I still haven’t recovered from it.
  5. The transition from sword-fighting to dancing during Christian’s reprise of “Someone to Say” is iconic and fits so well with Christian’s character and what he’s singing about and…I will never be over it.
  6. We HAVE to talk about “Every Letter” because…WOW. I thought people were joking on tumblr when they said Roxanne had sex with a letter but um…idk man they weren’t joking though. Also the occasional shift to show all three of them singing? AAAAAAAAAAH
  7. Roxanne’s meeting with Christian that transitions into “I Need More?” it’s one of those sequences that makes me want to put on a floofy dress and walk the streets around me belting about romantic poetry. What a POWER ballad.
  8. The whole last sequence in the convent is so incredibly soft–there’s never a moment where I would describe the lighting or visuals as sharp, but there’s something about the warm, muted tones in the convent that just paint everything in such a peaceful light. It almost gives the whole scene an otherworldly air–like maybe Cyrano had died on the way to the convent and this scene is his heaven. I mean, Roxanne there, confessing her love to him? WOW NOW I’M SAD AGAIN

“Wherever I Fall” gets an honorary mention specifically for the way they made a point of showing us the three soldiers who sang getting shot down. I hate it but I appreciate it, if that makes sense.

Basically, personally, this movie is visually my aesthetic and I can’t really think of a moment where I didn’t appreciate what was being shown to me (visually. I don’t appreciate being shown Christian and Cyrano dying).

THE CHARACTERS

Y’all I say this with all of the love I have in my heart, I really do, but…all of these characters are so, so stupid.

But it’s not entirely their fault! It is absolutely a mix of who they are combined with the society and world they live and grew up in. What do I mean?

While there are other characters we can discuss and crucial side-characters who add to the world and the story, this is really a love story about three (dumb) people: Roxanne, Christian, and Cyrano.

Let’s start with Roxanne: on the surface, she seems to be the typical ingenue pretty girl who has such a ~difficult~ life because she wants romance, not money! And, to some degree, she is exactly that. Yes, she is very beautiful, yes, she does crave romance, and yes, she believes that romance is not inherently tied to money (possibly because her only example thereof is de Guiche, who isn’t exactly winning in the “charm” department.) We get some lovely hints, however, that there is so much more to her than that–particularly during the scene where she convinces de Guiche to go off to war without Cyrano’s regiment, and during the scene where she tricks her way into marrying Christian instead of de Guiche. In these scenes, we get a glimpse of just how cunning Roxanne is. She knows exactly how to use what men see when they look at her to her advantage–they see a pretty face, so they don’t expect a clever mind or a sharp tongue. She uses a mix of de Guiche’s desire for her as well as his personal grudge against Cyrano to keep both her dear friend and her love safe at home (at least, at first). Later, she uses the rules of the society she is trapped in to her advantage by getting married herself before de Guiche can have her (this, of course, ultimately backfires, but I digress).

And yet…she’s so dumb, bless her. The crucial part of the plot that revolves around and depends on Roxanne has to do with her views on love. We don’t know where she gets these ideas–could be books, the theater she is so enamored with, maybe she was inspired by her own parents before their untimely demise…we don’t know. Whatever the cause, Roxanne is convinced that romantic love can only be a “love at first sight” situation and it’ll feel like a tidal wave of emotion. She dearly loves Cyrano, of course, but she believes it is only as a friend because the only kind of romantic love she can think of would be exactly what she experiences with Christian when they see each other in the theater for the first time. It’s why it takes her till the very end of the show to realize how she feels and has felt about Cyrano for a long time–it just truly never occurred to her before that that she and Cyrano could love each other that way. Does it sound silly from a modern standpoint? Kinda! But in the context of her world, it makes sense. Also consider the number of modern stories that still involve love at first sight–it’s a lasting trope for a reason.

Does it make her stupid still? Yes. Absolutely. I love her, but wow.

Now let’s talk about Christian. On the surface, Christian is your typical hero character/male love interest–he’s lovely, he’s determined, he’s talented, and just generally a very decent person. And he is certainly all those things! He also falls in love at first sight with an “out-of-his-league” girl.

Is he also dumb??? Yes, bless him. The crucial part of the plot that revolves around him is the fact that because he’s so pretty, he “can approach Roxanne publicly and it’ll be acceptable” or whatever. However, he does not know how to woo to save his life–he can perform the usual accolades of “I love you” and “you’re like a flower” but, as Roxanne makes a point to sing out in the streets, the woman of his affections needs more than that! Hence, teaming up with Cyrano.

What I love about Christian’s arc as it relates to the world the character lives in is that it is stated so plainly in his song “Someone to Say (Reprise).” Christian flat-out says that he was raised by a soldier father, and it was that upbringing that shaped him into someone lovely and talented with a sword, but completely unable to charm with beautiful words. He straight-up was not allowed to nurse the side of him that so desperately wants to be free and tell Roxanne exactly how she makes him feel. He was told “you are a man. You will learn how to fight and you will learn how to kill.” He was not allowed to be soft even though he really wants to be.

But like…should he have been able to see that the reason Cyrano was so good at writing love letters is because…he was in love himself? Probably. Yes. But he’s dumb. We love him though.

Finally, let’s discuss the title man himself, the lovely Cyrano. On the surface, Cyrano is quirky, incredibly clever, incredibly talented as a soldier, completely fearless, and amazingly charming and romantic…on the surface above that, however, Cyrano just looks different. And he is made to be so incredibly aware of that every moment of every day. Keep in mind that this was the era of Louis XIV–physical appearance was so incredibly crucial to the upper crust of the time, and Cyrano was a direct contradiction for them. So Cyrano worked extra hard to develop a personality that could fight back against the sneers and the looks–in the play he refers to it as “panache,” a term that was coined thanks to the play. It’s a reference to something that was also considered incredibly beautiful among the French elites, “esprit,” or basically, a sharp wit. Cyrano has this in spades, and it’s just as much a weapon as his sword is.

Unfortunately, he has been led to believe that that simply isn’t enough–if he isn’t both physically beautiful (for the time’s standards) and clever, what’s the point? He has been so hurt and tortured in this fashion by society that even when the woman he loves is telling him directly to his face that she loves him exactly as he is for who he is, he will not let himself believe it. He will let himself love Roxanne for more than just her looks, but he won’t let her do the same for him.

HE’S SO DUMB BLESS HIM.

It’s why his last words are that he loved his pride. Roxanne is literally sobbing over him, kissing him, telling him over and over that she loves him, and he cannot believe it. The self-loathing is extra strong there. After all, he let himself hope early on in the story that Roxanne loved him, and it turned out to not be the case because of course she would love the handsome new recruit and not him. Of course. Why did he let himself ever think otherwise?

This same societal expectation that restricts the characters also affects de Guiche–Comte de Guiche historically was considered the most beautiful man of the time. He was the peak example of what all men should strive for. It’s why Cyrano’s popularity irks de Guiche, I mean…look at him, right? The point of de Guiche’s song is basically him saying “I am the best therefore I deserve the best.”

*insert Gaston reference here*

Does that also make him incredibly dumb?? YOU BET.

That’s what makes the tragedy–the nature of the characters against the world they live in. It’s tragic how the society of the time was so rigged against who each of these characters are as an individual in such a specific way that there was no other way for their stories to end.

THE MUSIC

I’ve already fangirled about it a fair amount BUT LET’S GO EVEN DEEPER SHALL WE.

So for those of you unaware (as I was)–this film is an adaptation of an off-Broadway musical of the same name and also starring Peter Dinklage and Haley Bennett (and again, to review–the musical itself is an adaptation of the original play, which is an adaptation of a real guy’s life. Clear as mud? Great). I’m not sure if any of the songs from the original musical were cut, as is often the case when a musical gets turned into a movie (I will never forgive In The Heights for cutting “Sunrise” and yes that is a hill I will die on thank you for coming to my TedTalk), but rest assured that the songs we do have are incredible.

(ALSO–IS THAT A ROMANTIC LEAD I SPY WHO IS NOT A TENOR??? UGH WE LOVE TO SEE IT)

From gorgeously flowing love songs like “Someone to Say,” (and its reprise) “Madly,” “Your Name,” and “Overcome” to impressive power ballads like “I Need More” and “What I Deserve,” every song feels crucial to the storytelling. The playful self-deprecation of “When I Was Born” does so much to introduce the audience fully to Cyrano’s character. The sensual lyrics and instrumentation of “Every Letter” feels like we’re privy to something incredibly private and almost forbidden. The militaristic drumming all the way through “Wherever I Fall” feels wrong when combined with the softness of the lyrics that each soldier sings, and it’s perfect for emphasizing how awful the war is in comparison to the love story we’ve watched up to that point.

I also appreciate that it never tried to be anything more than it was when it came to the songs; it’s a movie musical, and it acts like one. Sometimes that little wink and nod at the audience when a song starts like “haha we know this is unrealistic but stay with us–we’re aware people don’t usually just burst into song!!” is fun, especially when used well, but it would have felt so out of place here. The film knows its audience, and knows exactly what we’re here for. It never tries to play to all sides and is completely unapologetic about the group dance numbers or the characters singing in the streets and I love it for that. It’s not for everyone, but the film knows that, and doesn’t make any great effort to ease you into the whimsy ahead–we start with a shot purely made up of yards and yards of ribbon hanging from the ceiling, complete with childish-looking puppets and other elements of childhood playfulness. Combined with the lovely instrumentation of the “Intro” and “Opening” songs, when Roxanne sees that first couple dancing in the street and she starts singing, it’s like…of course this is happening. It would be weirder for these characters to have a completely uneventful ride to the theater.

Also…the lyrics??? I…you ever hear the lyrics of a song and feel like you’ve been absolutely put in a chokehold by them but like…in a good way?

For example, in songs from Cyrano we have such bangers as:

“These words are the truth, just let them sink in, through your thin-fingered gloves, to your hand, to your skin”

“Talk of the blank space behind the sun where you told me you’d meet me when everyone is gone”

“The way I feel is like falling stars diving into cold ocean waves”

“I’m living proof that God has a sick sense of humor”

And of course, of course, my absolute favorite lyrics in the whole movie are in the soldiers’ songs, “Wherever I Fall” part 1 and 2.

I mean…

“I promised I’d be home alright, but I gotta lay this body down. So take this letter to my wife, and tell her that I loved my life.”

“But I can see her in every detail now turning in my mind. I barely knew that girl at all, but I will love her till the end of time.”

“He wasn’t one of God’s best men, but I loved him anyway…I went in first, I rang the bell, I called his name out loud and I gave ’em hell.”

“Tell ’em not to cry at all, heaven is wherever I fall.”

Like?? Really??? UGH. I LOVE IT. Listening to the soundtrack even before seeing the movie I knew that this song would kill me and it DID. But I’m not mad about it. It also feels…incredibly poignant at this time. Like, not to be all dramatic and anti-war on main or anything but like, hearing this song, hearing these lyrics, watching that sequence in the film…how could anyone do that and think “ah yes, sometimes blowing humans up is justified.”

“But it’s a scene in a movie musical” yes that’s the POINT. Art and storytelling and the empathy those things teach us is what makes us human, and this moment in the film shows how war can rip those things away from us so we’re left with shattered pieces of ourselves that we may never be able to put back together again, and it never affects only us. This song is a bunch of soldiers from different walks of life knowing they are heading towards their death and their last wish is for their loved ones to know that they thought of them when they fell, so please don’t cry. How many soldiers in Ukraine do we think went through the exact same thing? Vietnam? Japan? Cuba? The list, unfortunately, goes on and on.

THE ADAPTATION

I have to touch on this briefly(ish) because I have Strong Feelings.

In the year of our lord 2022 we should all be used to and aware of the fact that adaptations? They’re gonna keep happening. They are here to stay. They kind of, have been here to stay for a while now. I mean, isn’t there that whole argument that there are only like, I dunno, 10 different unique storylines and every story out there is just an adaptation of one of those and nothing is unique or whatever?

I think that’s why it’s always baffling to me when people complain about specific details being changed in one adaptation or the next–isn’t that like, the very definition of the word? It’s not going to be the exact same as the original thing? And sure, there are plenty of adaptations/remakes I can think of where I personally didn’t like or agree with a change, but I always at least sort of try to approach it from a standpoint of “just because this doesn’t agree with me personally, doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad or not worth anyone’s time.”

(also please note how difficult it is for me right now to not take a jab at Alita: Battle Angel and Joker)

When an adaptation changes something or updates an element of the original story to better fit the time it is being released in, that does not necessarily make it a bad adaptation. In fact, I would argue that when something like that is done well, it’s incredibly beneficial to the original story and brings it around and makes it relatable and endearing to a whole new audience who may never have even looked at it before. This can range from setting the story in a more modern setting, like turning Emma into Clueless or Pride and Prejudice into The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, to changing key characteristics of lead characters, like the Duke and Kate Sharma in Bridgerton to, yes, casting Peter Dinklage as Cyrano de Bergerac. Such updates, though still not necessarily perfect or without fault, can relay the themes of the original story in a new way to a new audience, keeping the heart of it alive and reminding us about the universality of it.

In the original story, Cyrano has a large nose and that is his hang-up. Do we still today make fun of people with big noses? Yes. We are obsessed with what we consider physical beauty to a fault. However, we also live in an age where men are able and allowed to look more different than women–they still have beauty standards, of course, but representation in media for them has a much greater range than it does for women. Is this changing? Of course it is. To the point where making Cyrano simply have a large nose in this adaptation wouldn’t be that powerful–we as a society are changing to where a physical “problem” like that wouldn’t necessarily explain Cyrano’s self-hate or the way he is snubbed by society. In the time the story was originally set? Absolutely it makes sense because physical beauty standards were so incredibly specific. But it doesn’t translate as well to a modern audience.

But casting Peter Dinklage?

Dwarfism is something we don’t see much representation of in media, outside of characters who are literally dwarves or funny side characters. It’s just “the way things are.” So to give this romantic lead role that features incredible love ballads, sharp-witted arguments, amazingly choreographed fight scenes, and soft romantic moments to Peter Dinklage? It’s perfect.

It’s a commentary on society all on its own, and it works wonderfully well. It forces the audience to overcome any sort of deep-seeded prejudice they may have, even unaware, and say “why do I feel that way? This human is just as talented, sweet, and powerful as the other love interest–why should he be treated as any less?”

And yeah, of course this means that any sort of iconic and clever prose from the original play about Cyrano’s nose is going to be missing or altered, and yeah, of course that’s a little sad because the writing is wonderful.

But can we all agree that maybe, just maybe, that’s not the point?

It’s okay if this film isn’t for you and it’s okay if you’re disappointed it’s not a direct line-for-line remake or adaptation of the original play. But if your main hang-up is that they cast Peter Dinklage instead of slapping a fake nose on Chris Pratt, maybe take a second to back up and wonder why that rubs you the wrong way.

And if you don’t wanna consider that, then make your own movie.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

YES. If movie musicals are your jam, if period pieces are your jam, if the entirety of 2005’s Kiera Knightley Pride and Prejudice is your aesthetic exactly, SEE THIS MOVIE. It’s not for everyone, of course (is anything?), because as we’ve already discussed, this was tailor-made for me, thank you. But I’ll share it with you all.

It knows exactly what it is and who the audience is and it exists as this gorgeous, tragic, meaningful movie musical unapologetically and I adore it for that.

All in all, I give Cyrano

5/5 LOVE LETTERS!!!

(it was almost swords as a nod to the absolutely beautiful fight choreography because ohhhhhmY but…I mean it’s Cyrano de Bergerac I have to do love letters)

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

Lightyear I am…tentatively optimistic about. I think it’s disappointing that they’re beating the dead horse so much when it comes to the Toy Story franchise like…there are…maybe other stories to tell…but it doesn’t necessarily look bad or anything. Yet.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent…I mean…what do you even say about this? They took the Nicolas Cage memes and made them a movie? It could be really fun and classic and it could also be super weird and questionable and somehow I feel like it’s going to be a weird combination of all of the above. Did anyone even ask for this? Why are we here.

The Bob’s Burgers Movie is gonna be like the Downton Abbey movie–like it has its audience and it knows it. I’m not necessarily that audience but I hope people enjoy it.

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore is so…I’m torn. On the one hand, I wasn’t terribly enchanted by the first Fantastic Beasts film and I’m not necessarily excited about more of them, but on the other hand…Mads Mikkelsen. Jude Law. I’m not immune to them. I don’t pretend to be.

The Bad Guys looks surprisingly charming and maybe really good?–I love the idea and think there’s a lot of potential there for something really funny and special. I hope it follows through and the trailer isn’t misleading in that aspect.

Everything Everywhere All At Once looks PHENOMENAL like I have no idea what’s happening or why there are so many googly eyes but–I wanna know!! I would like to find out!! This movie looks like it’ll mess with my mind and I am ready for it!!!

Arcane Act 3 REVIEW

Oh hey y’all

How are we doing

Have we recovered yet

I have not

(“But it’s been over a month and now it’s literally a whole new year how are you still not–”

“I KNOW THAT THANKS AND NO, I AM STILL NOT OKAY”)

I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to end HAPPILY or anything, but I could still dream, right? I ALSO DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD END LIKE THAT MY GOD AHHHHHHHHH

When I first finished Act 3, I sat in shock for a good like…3 full minutes, at least. To say the ending felt like a gut punch is a serious understatement–like in a good way. I mean, I thought so, at least.

I wasn’t entirely sure what I felt about it, though–my brain just like, couldn’t process everything they threw at us.

So I watched the entire thing again, naturally. Having finished the re-watch, I am now here with my thoughts.

And my tears.

SPOILER WARNING NOW IN EFFECT–PLEASE GO WATCH THIS FOR YOURSELF I AM BEGGING YOU IT’S LIKE. GOOD.

I MEAN IT WILL CRUSH YOUR EMOTIONS BUT WE ALL NEED A GOOD EMOTION-CRUSHING NOW AND AGAIN, RIGHT

ANYWAY

SPOILERS

THE STORY

Picking up right where we left off at the end of Act 2 (no time-skip this time), it turns out both Vi AND Caitlyn were taken by the Firelights, and yes, they also nabbed the crystal. Vi and Caitlyn are arguing about who’s at fault here, who was lying about what, so on and so forth, all the usual flirty banter, until one of the Firelights comes in and takes Vi away, leaving Caitlyn alone.

Vi is led to the leader of the Firelights, who is revealed to be, drumroll please….EKKO. Wow shocking none of us saw that coming omgggggg

okay anyway

Ekko is initially furious at Vi, because he hasn’t seen her since pre-timeskip, a.k.a., since the factory explosion–he assumed she was killed in the blast like Mylo, Claggor, and (presumably) Vander. Now here she is, with an ENFORCER, so he has no idea whose side she’s on. Vi manages to convince him that she never meant to make him think she died or abandoned anyone, it was just the circumstances of being knocked out and imprisoned for years ya know, and they have a really heartwarming lil hug. Vi tells him that Caitlyn is actually like, decent, and she’s completely oblivious to everything happening in the Undercity and everything bad the Enforcers are doing. Caitlyn thinks if she can get the gemstone back topside and to Jayce (who’s like, in charge now or something I guess), she can make a case for the Firelights and get help against Silco and all that jazz. Ekko is skeptical, and says he will join Cait and Vi on their trek back to Piltover and to the Council, not wanting to let the gemstone go that easily. Caitlyn agrees, and the group head out.

Unfortunately, they’re about to run into trouble. You see Jayce, in his never-ending crusade of just the absolute worst decisions but people keep listening to him because he’s pretty I guess, set up a huge blockade on the bridge. He claims it’s for safety, and to stop those nasty Undercity folks from like, blowing anything else up or whatever, but it’s a massive show of power and it’s about to cause a huge amount of problems.

For example, let’s take a second to catch up with local lanky disaster boy Viktor–we last left him on his way to meet up with Singed to get help with the hexcore. Singed basically tells him “this is gonna suck and be really painful, but you can use Shimmer to ease the pain caused by using the hexcore to heal you yayyyy” and Viktor is like “UGHHHHHHH” but he’s also really desperate, so. On his way back to Piltover (because Singed hides out in the Undercity, of course), he gets stopped at the blockade. Jayce comes over personally to bail Viktor out, but he’s FURIOUS about it. He’s basically like “I SET UP A BLOCKADE FOR SAFETY AND THEN MY OWN PARTNER VIOLATES IT CAN YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS WILL DO TO MY IMAGE” and Viktor is like “I’m sorry what now” and Jayce goes on this whole ugly thing about how the blockade is supposed to keep Undercity freaks out because they’re dangerous and can’t be trusted and Viktor just gives him this glare and is like “I’M from the Undercity.” so Jayce has to backtrack like “oh uh everyone from the Undercity but you of course you’re different ha ha love you” like. My guy.

Viktor then does some freaky science fun with the hexcore, using the Shimmer and carving various runes onto his own skin as well as this contraption thing he has around his leg, and it turns his leg all purple-y glowy. It’s not explained explicitly, but it does kind of sound like his leg might now be made of metal of some sort, if the sound design for when he walks around is anything to go bye–oh yeah, Viktor can walk now! Kind of. There’s a gorgeous scene where Viktor runs along the bank and it’s just *chef’s kiss* but it seems like he has to keep doing the runes and Shimmer stuff with the hexcore, because the effects don’t last. Or something? It’s not blatantly explained, unless it just went right over my head, which is entirely possible. I’m sure none of this freaky science fun can go wrong in any way, ha ha. Um.

We’ll check in with him later.

Back with our Undercity + Cait crew, let’s see how the blockade ruins THEIR day–as the crew works on crossing the bridge, Vi suddenly stops, saying she can’t go with them because she can’t leave her sister behind again, she won’t do it. Ekko keeps trying to convince her that Jinx is too far gone, but Vi is determined that she can reach her. Ekko and Vi hug goodbye, wish each other luck, and then Cait and Vi have this really emotional hug and it’s very sweet and uh-OH JINX IS WATCHING THEM FROM ON TOP OF THE BRIDGE. Understandably, she’s confused and upset that Vi is now friends with an Enforcer, of all people, but she believes that Vi is saying goodbye because she wouldn’t leave Jinx again, not again.

However, the blockade kicks in. Marcus is there with the other Enforcers, ready to attack Ekko, but Caitlyn desperately tries to talk them down, saying that she has proof that Silco is behind everything, they can fix this (if you’re caught up to this point, you will note that Caitlyn saying this is actually a problem because remember–Marcus and Silco are in cahoots, and so far, Marcus has not turned on Silco…probably won’t be too excited about Caitlyn being all “I HAVE PROOF SILCO IS THE BAD GUY WE’RE LOOKING FOR” ya know). Marcus has Caitlyn and Ekko at gunpoint, and Vi, seeing this, starts to turn back because CaitLYN IS AT GUNPOINT COME ON. Also Marcus does actually shoot Ekko which is rather rude of him.

Right then, the bridge is swarmed by firelights (I didn’t mention this previously, but firelights are these cute lil green glowing bugs (essentially fireflies) that were swarming around Ekko’s hideout in the Undercity–hence why their lil gang is probably called the Firelights), or at least, what appear to be firelights. One lands on the hand of one of the Enforcers, and the wings ominously click into place right before all of the “firelights” explode. The carnage takes out basically everyone on the bridge; Marcus asks Caitlyn to tell his daughter that he…right before he dies. Caitlyn is trying to pull herself up after being caught in her second Jinx-related explosion of the series so far and Vi races to her side to help her. Just then, Jinx emerges from the smoke, looking less than thrilled about Vi running to help Caitlyn. Vi looks torn between wanting to get Caitlyn to safety and help, and wanting to try and talk her sister down. Ekko steps forward then–he survived Marcus shooting him!–tossing Caitlyn and Vi the bag with the gemstone and telling them to get out of there, facing down Jinx himself.

What follows is a FANTASTIC fight sequence between Jinx and Ekko. I’ll talk about it more in the Art section, because holy cow, but I don’t think I can fully do it justice. It’s just. Wow. At the end, Ekko has Jinx pinned, but he pauses before delivering the final blow, seeing the scared look in her eyes. She uses the moment to release another bomb, leaving their fate unknown.

Hearing the explosion, Vi sets Caitlyn down and gets ready to turn back, worried, but she’s too late–Silco emerges from the smoke and picks Jinx up, meeting Vi’s eyes across the bridge. Caitlyn then tells Vi that the gemstone isn’t in the bag anymore. It’s gone. So it was “all for nothing.”

Later, Caitlyn and Vi make it to Caitlyn’s house, where Caitlyn’s mother says that she can get the two of them an audience with the Council to explain everything (remember, Caitlyn’s mother is a member of the Council. This is, sadly, relevant later). The two have a very sweet bonding moment that is just the definition of the word “peace” and I adore it. Jayce, meanwhile, is confronted with the massacre at the bridge, and he’s uh, he’s a little thrown-off. Like, barfing-over-the-side-of-the-bridge thrown-off. Like, maybe-this-whole-blockade-thing-was-actually-a-bad-idea-and-they-should-not-have-put-me-in-charge-I-just-like-science-I-didn’t-sign-up-for-this thrown-off.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE, Mel’s mother arrives to try and get her foot in the door for some hextech weapons, and Mel is…less than thrilled, to say the least. I mean, Mel’s mother did kind of disown her when she kept refusing to like, endorse her mother’s decisions to like, behead people. Which is fair.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE MEANWHILE, Silco is dealing with what seems to be the Undercity version of the Council from Piltover, although they’re a lot less “round table” and a lot more “when they question Silco’s leadership he almost poisons all of them ha ha.” The Undercity Council people are not excited about Jinx’s actions of late, but anytime anyone questions Jinx, Silco shuts them down immediately. Jinx is his precious murder daughter, okay? Leave her alone.

Speaking of Jinx, she’s in terrible shape when Silco takes her from the explosion on the bridge. He takes her right to Singed, telling him that she absolutely cannot die. Singed knocks Silco out so he doesn’t disturb the evil science and then he basically just injects Jinx with a whole lot of Shimmer (it’s possible there was more to the evil science than just that, but the main point is that Jinx has Shimmer now). She goes through a horrendous transformation sequence where the Shimmer messes with her body and already incredibly fragile mental state, and she keeps seeing Vi and Caitlyn teasing her, saying she’s been replaced. She survives, and now she has cool glowing purple-pink Shimmer eyes. But now she’s extra mad at Vi and ESPECIALLY Caitlyn, and soon, she’ll be extra mad at Silco.

There’s literally so much that happens, but to kind of crash-course it before we move on:

Vi and Caitlyn meet with the Council, and they seem determined to try and eventually maybe just like talk things out with Silco? They basically want to avoid war. Vi also wants to avoid war, but she tries to explain that you cannot negotiate with Silco. She wants them to charge down there, take him out, and then once Silco is gone, surely the Undercity will go back to sort of the way it was before everything went terrible!

(It’s sweet. And sad.)

Ultimately the Council is like “yeahhhhhhhh but resources, let’s chat with him instead” and Vi storms out, feeling like they’re not taking her or the problems of the Undercity seriously (and like teeeeechnically she’s not wrong). Caitlyn chases after her, saying they’ll figure something out, begging her to stay, but Vi shuts her down, saying that both Piltover and Zaun are like oil and water–not meant to be. Caitlyn says “what about us?” and Vi repeats herself: “oil and water. Wasn’t meant to be.”

And it’s totally fine and I’m not crying about it don’t worry.

Vi seeks out Jayce, convinced maybe HE’LL do something if the rest of the Council won’t. She takes on the hextech gauntlets from Act 2, and Jayce takes the big hextech hammer also from Act 2, and they go down and just absolutely decimate one of Silco’s big Shimmer mine place things. It’s another delightfully choreographed fight scene, but it ultimately ends with Jayce accidentally hitting a child with this big laser blast, and that’s enough for him to be like “HAHA OKAY NO MORE OF THAT I’M OUT.” Vi, frustrated yet again because unfortunately dead kids are really just another day in the Undercity, refuses to give the gauntlets back and stalks away.

One of the other Undercity Council members finds Sevika, Silco’s second-in-command, strongly hinting that Silco’s time as leader of Zaun is up, and maybe she should consider helping out the next leader. By this point, Sevika is definitely frustrated with Jinx and Silco’s attachment to her, so it’s unclear how this will pan out. The Council people go to confront Silco, however, and Sevika takes them out, standing by Silco till the end. It’s a nice, layered little scene that involves the audience (and even Silco) truly not knowing if Sevika will help Silco or betray him, all while he gives a lengthy speech about loyalty.

Later, Vi finds Sevika at The Last Drop and challenges her to yet another fight (as you may recall, Sevika is someone she’s had frequent clashes with but has yet to actually win against)–it’s another brilliantly choreographed fight sequence, and there’s a sweet little moment when Vi gets knocked down where she sees Vander and talks to him before she gets back up to knock Sevika out. While she does win a fight, finally, it’s unclear if that’s even what she wants anymore.

Jayce, meanwhile, takes matters into his own hands and meets with Silco. He agrees to give Silco the independent nation of Zaun that he so craves–if Silco will hand Jinx over. That’s his deal.

Heartbroken, we catch up with Silco at this big memorial statue of Vander, which he talks to. Silco seems torn–Jayce has offered him everything he ever wanted, but it’s in exchange for Jinx, the one person it’s clear he would do absolutely anything for. Jinx overhears this, of course, and seems to think that Silco is leaning towards turning her in.

We follow Jinx as she takes Caitlyn, Silco, and eventually Vi, keeping them all together for the big finale scene, which we’ll discuss later because it deserves its own section. And I’ll start crying again as soon as I talk about it so

THE ART

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGOHMYGAWDYALL THIS SHOW IS SO PRETTY

The thought that goes into every little detail is just. I can’t talk about it enough. Every time I think I’ve exhausted every possible thing I’m reminded about something else and have to go “AND ANOTHER THING”

I mean it’s. It’s the way that each and every character has a unique nose (yep–even the WOMEN!!). It’s the weight that all the character’s bodies have, so we feel each punch or each time they collide with something (Vi’s parkour scenes come to mind in particular). It’s the subtle changes in the way the characters look at things, how you can watch their eyes moving to take in different objects or people. It’s the way the audience is so seamlessly taken from Jinx’s perspective filled with static and neon scribbles and ghosts to any other character’s, seeing her from the outside instead. It’s the colors and how they come to life in each and every setting, no matter how different they are. It’s the way Jinx’s comically long braids always move the way you’d expect real hair to. It’s the NUMBER of parallels that are present all the way through, from Jinx playing with the clockwork firelights that later blow up the bridge, to Vi and Powder mirroring Vander and Silco’s last confrontation and relationship in general, to Viktor and Jayce saving each other on opposite ends of the series with that same phrase of “am I interrupting?”

It’s the way I feel like I could watch the series multiple times and still miss a ton of details–it’s the love and care you can absolutely tell went into every blissful second of this series.

Even now as I’m listing things I’m SURE I’m missing stuff that I’ve thought of–I’ll probably come back and edit as I think of more because EVERYTHING deserves to be called out, I mean it’s just INSANE.

In particular, there are 4 standout scenes for this Act that we absolutely must discuss for art purposes.

  1. THE EKKO AND JINX FIGHT–hooooooooo boy none of us were ready for this. One of my absolute weaknesses in any sort of storytelling piece is silent storytelling, when so much is said without a single word. This fight at the end of episode 7 is ABSOLUTELY one of those. We didn’t see much interaction between Jinx and Ekko when they were kids. We knew they knew each other and probably hung out, but we had no idea to what degree (it’s hinted at in the Enemy music video, but how canon is that??). THIS FIGHT THOUGH. The transitions between the graffiti art showing two kids messing around together and the art style of the show depicting two lost kids with broken childhoods suddenly at life or death odds with each other is just…like from what I remember, there’s not any sort of exposition line that is like “oh yeah Ekko and Powder are off playing together again ha ha tryna figure out Ekko’s watch or something” but we get ALL of that from just the visuals of this fight, and it’s shown in such a heartbreaking way. I just. AHHHHHHHHHH. Okay. I’m fine. This is fine.
  2. THE BEDROOM SCENE–please send help I will never recover from Caitlyn and Vi. These two are just like, constantly in danger or getting beat up or blown up or stalked or yelled at or who KNOWS what else, so to have this sweet, simple moment where for the first time they just got to relax and just TALK to each other and just be in each other’s presence and just ahhhhhh?? It’s beautifully done and just such a nice break for these characters, I hope Jinx gets a break scene at some point too. No? Please?
  3. THE SHOWER SCENE–Another DELIGHTFUL moment of silent storytelling here. I mean, I’m sure there are so many layers to this scene, with Caitlyn brooding in her super fancy Piltover shower while she thinks about Vi walking away from her in the rain, telling her to go back to her fancy house and forget about her because they’re oil and water, not meant to be. And then when the blood from her leg wound starts mixing with the shower water?? LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY METAPHORS I’M PROBABLY NOT EVEN ABLE TO PROCESS PROPERLY BECAUSE IT JUST???? IT’S SO WELL DONE
  4. THE FINAL DINNER PARTY SCENE–See the upcoming section about this which will be filled with mostly me, sobbing.

There is probably also a lot to be said for how color is used in the show–Piltover is all golds and whites, with some rich blues and reds and the occasional purple thrown in (because they have to emphasize that “holier than thou” aesthetic ha ha love the city of progress am I right). Zaun is all dark browns and blacks with blinding neon accents in purples, pinks, blues, and the occasional green (it’s a bit of a jumbled mess and somewhat disorienting, which fits). The Firelights’ hideout, meanwhile, is all incredible earthy tones, with gorgeous greens and lighter browns, tans, and warm golds and creams. The visual vibe from each location is simply *chef’s kiss* and I am living for it every second.

THE MUSIC

IT’S. SO. GOOD.

New songs from this Act include: “Misfit Toys,” “Dynasties and Dystopia,” “Snakes,” “When Everything Went Wrong,” and “What Could Have Been,” all of which are BOPS as always (“What Could Have Been” will be discussed more when we talk about that final scene ha ha oh look I’m crying again already). From the score, my favorites from this Act are “The Price of Our Freedom,” “Everyone Else Betrays Us,” “We Call Them Firelights,” “Old Friend,” “First Steps,” and “You’re Perfect,” because it’s incredibly important to me to have at least one song from every Act pop up while I’m listening that makes me sob on cue.

It’s amazing to me how they manage to blend the orchestral score with all the other like, BOPS, so seamlessly? And have it work so well?

Also did anyone else watch The Game Awards and can we talk about how they started right off the bat with a performance of “What Could Have Been” with the RED MOON IN THE BACKGROUND AND EVERYTHING HOW DARE THEY????

Ahem. Yes. We’ll get to that.

THE YIKES

Alright, alright, but before we get to all that…

Look, it’s clear that I don’t have enough good things to say about this show, and I recognize that. I’m sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but I truly do believe that we have something special on our hands with this show and I will ABSOLUTELY never shut up about it. If I had to sit through years of people screaming at me about Hamilton, y’all can put up with this, thanks.

HAVING SAID THAT–the show isn’t perfect, of course, and there’s one scene in particular from Act 3 that just…it makes me feel a lil uncomfy, and I haven’t really seen anyone else talking about it? I’m sure someone has and I just haven’t come across it yet, but nonetheless…

So one of the characters I haven’t talked about much is Sky, and it was somewhat on purpose–she’s not a League champion as far as we know, and her reactions with other characters were on a fairly minimal scale, so I just wasn’t sure how important she was in the grand scheme of things. She seemed like a perfectly delightful individual, but again, she just didn’t have as much screentime as some others so it just wasn’t clear how she measured up. Sky seems to be the lab assistant for Jayce and Viktor, and you realize fairly early on that she has feelings for Viktor. Viktor doesn’t shut her down or anything, he’s just so absorbed in figuring out the hexcore that he doesn’t even notice her attempts, but he seems fairly nice to her. Also Viktor is literally dying, so…so I mean there’s that.

One night when Viktor is hard at work sacrificing himself to the hexcore and whatnot, as you do, Sky is on her way to ask him out. When she walks in, it looks a lot like the hexcore is trying to like, suck the literal life out of Viktor (he’s not really reacting to it much, though, so it’s not entirely clear what is actually happening). Determined to rescue him, Sky runs to him and grabs him, trying to pull him away from the hexcore’s grip. However, she is unable to do so, and the hexcore like…literally incinerates her and releases Viktor, leaving him in a pile of ash that used to be Sky.

(maybe it’s like a “Little Shop of Horrors” kind of deal? Except instead of alien man-eating plants it’s magical bloodthirsty magic glowing cubes?)

Shocked and appalled, Viktor is now determined to get the hexcore destroyed. Any chance it might have of saving him from death is not worth the death of others. He takes Sky’s ashes and scatters them, and his follow-up conversation with Jayce has one of my favorite lines in the whole series:

“In our pursuit of great, we failed to do good.”

MMMM. THAT’S SOME GOOD STUFF RIGHT THERE.

But…there’s just a lot about that whole scene that is just…not great, ya know? I mean it’s frustrating any time a good side character dies too early (SEE MYLO AND CLAGGOR MY BELOVEDS), but so much about Sky’s death feels extra icky. For starters, it hits a little too close to the “fridged woman” trope, where a female character is killed off just to further the character development of the male counterpart (remember–Viktor only comes to his conclusion about the dangers of the hexcore AFTER it incinerates Sky, not after it like, literally uses his blood to grow more powerful). That trope is bad enough, but to make it worse, Sky is one of the few female POCs of the series, and she died so that signature lanky WHITE MAN Viktor can have more of a backstory.

Now, absolutely, the tragedy of her death fits in well with the series as a whole–I’m just not sure why it had to be HER, ya know? If she was always going to be a side character whose only purpose was to die so Viktor could feel guilty, why did they design her to be a woman of color? Why couldn’t they have had some white guy lab assistant or something? (we can’t have him also be in love with Viktor because he still would have to die presumably, which brings us to BURY YOUR GAYS HAHAHAHA NOPE)

In a show filled with wonderfully layered characters and stunning storytelling decisions, I don’t understand why this scene was carried out as such.

I mean, maybe she’s not actually dead or something. That would be fun! But as it stands, there’s a lot about this scene that just doesn’t sit well with me, and it’s unfortunate, because so many other things are carried out so well, and then…there’s this. And I just don’t understand why it was written and executed this way.

Sky deserved better. And so do we.

THE CHARACTERS

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but by and large one of the things I think the series does really well is present us with incredibly layered, complex characters–what affects them and their choices are their circumstances and in turn, how they react to them. No one is simply evil or good just for the sake of it–there’s more to every single one of them.

With Jinx for example–it would have been so easy to write off her violence by simply saying “yeah–she’s crazy!” and leave it at that, but they don’t. They don’t excuse her actions by any means, but they present us with a character who feels like a real person. It almost never seems like Jinx enjoys the chaos and violence she creates, because we have scenes like her visiting the old hideout from when she was a kid and desperately trying to beat Vi’s high score on the boxing machine and still not being able to. We have scenes like the one when she reunites with Vi and is scared to tell her what she’s become, all the things she’s done. More than anything, we get the impression that she’s good at what she does because she had to be. She constantly feels like she has to prove herself to everyone, because if she doesn’t get it right, she’ll be left behind again. Again, it’s never presented as an excuse for her, simply a fact.

Silco is a fascinating character, creating a perfect foil to Jinx with his calm, collected demeanor and his low-voiced threats. The Silco we see in Act 1 is presented as power-hungry, obsessive, and driven by vengeance, and yet his choice to take in Jinx and raise her after seeing a bit of himself in her changes him. He’s not a great person, obviously, but to see the love and care he has for Jinx is just super intriguing. It’s a fascinating contrast to even Viktor’s arc involving Sky–Silco is presented as a typical villain, and yet when given the chance to change the world he owns and get everything he’s ever fought for, he turns it down, all for the love of one person. Viktor, meanwhile, was so focused on the hexcore and changing his world that he didn’t realize how important the love of one person could be until it was too late for her.

(am I reading too much into this ABSOLUTELY YES next question)

Mel has been such a fascinating character the whole series, but to see a glimpse of her past and see her go head-to-head with her mother was just *chef’s kiss*. Also that moment?? Where her mom sees the last painting she did???? JUST SLATHERED IN GOLD PAINT????? I don’t know WHAT it means but I LIKE IT

THE TRAGEDY

I’m using the above picture of Ekko and Heimerdinger on purpose I swear

So often when people recommend things to me and I shy away, I get hit with the ol’ “oh it’s just because you don’t like SAD STORIES”

(ask anyone who tried to get me to watch “La La Land”)

And like–they’re right! A lot of times I DON’T like sad stories! The world is sad enough right now and I think we all could use a lot more happiness and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that!

But the caveat is also this–I don’t like poorly written sad stories. And I completely blame my obsession with Shakespeare for this. One of the things I love about Shakespearean tragedies is that they are incredibly well-written (this is a hill I will die on) AND they are really never presented without hope. What makes a Shakespeare tragedy a tragedy is because of how incredibly human it all is. Characters are layered and complex, they make decisions in ways that completely make sense with their personalities and identities (even if they’re horrible, horrible decisions), they are often victims of circumstance more than anything else, and it’s never 100% all bad all the time–there is pretty much always a glimmer of hope.

“Arcane” is incredibly Shakespearean in this way. The true villain of the story isn’t Silco, or Jinx, or Mel’s mom, or Sevika, or any one person–it’s society. It’s wealth. It’s class warfare. It’s the building tension between a rich, well-off “city of progress” and their drug-and-crime-addled Undercity whom they largely ignore. If one thing had gone differently in Vi and Powder’s story, and they never got separated and Powder never became Jinx, it would have been another kid. All of this would have blown up in everyone’s faces eventually.

The initial separation of Vi and Powder as kids, presented as Vi turning away from her sister in a moment of grief and then being unable to get back to her because Silco shows up right then and Marcus knocks her out right then absolutely reeks of the finale in “Romeo and Juliet,” doesn’t it? The unfortunate timing of it all?

Jinx being so haunted by the ghosts of her dead friends to the point where she ultimately destroys the one thing that mattered most to her is so incredibly “Hamlet” it hurts.

There is so much of each character’s story that seems hopeless by the end–Vi and Jinx are still separated, unable to come to terms with a broken childhood and how they have both changed as individuals without the other one being present. Caitlyn may have lost her whole family at the end, and her entire worldview has been shattered by the realities of the Undercity. Jayce and Viktor set out to change the world and help people in need, and instead they got caught up in glory, power, and an incurable illness and selfishness rather than selflessness. Mel is now seemingly at odds with both her own mother and her love interest, unable to protect the city she swore to save. Heimerdinger has been cast out of the city he created. Ekko has lost more friends than he can count. Singed has been cast aside for his obsession with his experiments. Sevika has lost almost life and definitely limb in the fight for a unified Undercity. Silco has presumably died. Vander has presumably died. Sky…Mylo…Claggor…

and yet

One of my most favorite and most unexpected scenes from Act 3 comes in the midst of all the other chaos and tragedy and craziness–Heimerdinger runs into an injured Ekko, and two incredibly brilliant minds connect. Heimerdinger has been so focused on how far Piltover has come as the City of Progress, it seems he too has been disconnected from what Zaun was going through in the meantime. He’s so convinced that true peace can only come with caution, and only after years and years of safety checks and living precariously, it shocks him when Ekko takes him to the Firelights’ hideout and shows him this beautiful thing he built in such a short time. I’m so excited to see where this partnership goes in the future, because it’s such an unlikely combination and yet, it makes perfect sense. Heimerdinger has seen so many friends and students come and go, all with grand ideas and plans, but none of them have accomplished what Ekko has with the Firelights, and I think he says it best when he tells Heimerdinger that you can’t just give people what they need to survive, you have to give them what they need to live.

In the midst of the broken-down, chaos-ridden, and violence-driven environment of Zaun, the Firelights have a safe haven, in the form of a beautiful tree. There’s so much metaphor there about resiliency, new beginnings, nature, I just…AAAAHHHHHH IT’S GREAT.

And it’s so important. There’s a reason why Pandora found hope at the bottom of the box, and why the best tragedies capitalize on it in some way–it’s our greatest superpower, I think. The ability to be kind even in the face of horrible things, to do good even at the cost to oneself, to keep going for the sake of someone else when you can’t do it for yourself anymore, it’s all because of hope, and hope is always there. That’s what makes these stories relatable, and what makes them and their themes last for centuries, told in all forms from a story around a campfire to a speech on a stage to a mission in a video game; it’s the hope.

Alright that’s enough profound speeches from me, time for some sobbing as we discuss…

THE FINAL SCENE

I am already crying

The finale of Act 3 (and of season 1 aaaaaaahhhh) is…a lot. I mean it’s the sequence that made me just sit in utter shock after watching it the first time for a good three straight minutes at least. I wasn’t even actively crying I was just sitting, staring at the credits with my mouth open while tears rolled down my face.

It was fine

ANYWAY

The final moments bring together a majority of our main players from the series as a whole–at the dinner scene, we have Jinx, Vi, Silco, and Caitlyn, and then on the opposite end at the Council meeting we have Jayce, Viktor, and Mel (plus the other Council members, like Caitlyn’s mother, and that one member with the cool clockwork collar).

(Sevika is notably absent, likely recovering from Vi’s bashing in the previous scene, and Ekko and Heimerdinger are busy being science buddies together and it’s so wholesome and pure and good and I’D RATHER FOCUS ON THAT BUT OKAY HERE WE GO)

So on the Piltover side of things, Jayce is addressing the Council about the deal he made with Silco for the independent nation of Zaun. They are all less than thrilled about this and to some degree I don’t blame them because literally all Jayce has done since getting added to the Council is act alone without discussing anything with any of them?? Which like, has its pros and cons because the Council is a hot mess, but that’s a discussion for another day. What I do like about this moment is that Jayce is present with Viktor, and including him, which is a nice change. Mel also ends up agreeing with Jayce, hoping that this is the best step forward for peace between the two cities before it all dissolves into war.

Meanwhile, Jinx has forcibly gathered all her favorite people back in the cannery from way back in Act 1, which was where Silco had initially set up shop, and therefore is where Jinx accidentally blew up her friends and family ha ha oops.

Jinx initially starts out just talking to Vi, and their back-and-forth here is fascinating. As Jinx slowly unveils more of the scene and more of the players involved, it becomes clear that what she’s trying to do is figure out who she is based on the people in her life (or, as it turns out, not in her life…ha ha…..*sobs*). She has created an elaborate dinner scene that absolutely brings to mind the Mad Hatter’s tea party–on one end of the long table she has Vi chained to a chair, and on the other end: Silco. Partway through she brings out a cupcake with the magical gemstone stuck on top in the frosting, and then she wheels in a chained-up Caitlyn as well.

(This is, of course, after the famous “I paid a visit to your girlfriend this morning” line which, if you’re wondering, I have also still not recovered from, either)

With all the key players in place, (this includes the replicas of Claggor and Mylo that she made, which Vi is seeing for the very first time which ha ha that’s super fun right) Jinx almost lets them have it out amongst themselves for who they want her to be. She has one chair on one end of the table with the name “Powder” written on it, and on the other end, a chair with the name “Jinx” splashed across it. She makes it very clear that it’s up to them, but especially Vi, who will leave the table after everything is said and done–Jinx, (Team Silco) or Powder (Team Vi).

Although it’s worth noting as I think back on this now that one of the fascinating elements of this scene is a massive miscommunication on everyone’s parts. Jinx is assuming that Vi wants her to go back in time to be Powder while Silco wants her to embrace her new way of life and move forward with Jinx while ignoring her past and where she came from. She’s operating from the standpoint of “they both want me to be different people from who I am currently, and I don’t know how to choose for myself.”

What Jinx misses, however, is that I think ultimately both Vi and Silco want her to just be herself–with some caveats. Vi doesn’t want her to go back to being the Powder she remembers, because it’s clear that she has grown and changed and Vi doesn’t know who her sister is anymore but she wants to know. Vi wants her to remember the good parts of her past and how those shaped her as an individual because she believes that can be more powerful than the pain and the suffering. Silco, on the other hand, wants her to embrace that pain and that suffering because it is a part of her and, in his mind, a necessary part of her. He purposefully makes all these comparisons between Jinx and himself because he sees a lot of his own pain reflected in her, and he knows that he has set his whole life around how his pain changed him.

Caitlyn is…honestly just stuck there because she had the audacity to get involved with Vi, and it’s just a poor timing thing.

But truly everyone is there just with completely different ideas of what is happening and goals and they’re all doing a terrible job at communicating what they want exactly and honestly it’s due in no small part to the fact that Jinx has everyone chained up and also she’s waving a big gun around like, yeah, that’ll certainly not help things, and it’s all just…it’s tragic.

And it gets worse.

In a moment of rage, Jinx breaks one of the glasses on the table, which Caitlyn is able to snag and use to free herself from her chair. Caitlyn has Jinx in her sights, she’s threatening to shoot, Jinx is giving her these sad puppy eyes, Vi is begging her not to shoot because that’s her sister, and ultimately Caitlyn’s hesitation costs her and Jinx is able to knock her out cold and take the gun from her. So now Jinx has a bigger gun, Silco has the smaller gun, Vi has her usual like, big muscle arms as her guns but that’s about it, and in the ensuing chaos and arguing and trying to pull her one way or the other, Jinx shoots–

and hits Silco.

Realizing what she’s done, she rushes over to him, apologizing, crying, begging, and Silco, very calmly, reassures her that he would never have given her over to them. Never.

She kneels before him, tears falling, and with his last breath, tells her “don’t cry. You’re perfect.”

It’s shocking. I mean, I didn’t necessarily expect Silco to make it through, but…I mean maybe I did? But more than anything, what that final moment with him does is solidify both what a fascinating character he was, and also how wrong Jinx was about him.

She always gets left behind. Her defining moment that sets the tone for the rest of the story is when Vi leaves her, just for a moment, except then it becomes forever. It is so embedded in her that people she loves will leave her, so when she overhears Silco talking about the deal that was offered to him, she just assumes that he will hand her over because how could she be worth more than the dream he has fought for for years and years and sacrificed so much for?

Except she was worth more to him. She was worth everything to him. He literally picked her up in the ruins of the cannery that day back in Act 1 and said “yep, I am a father now.”

All Jinx wants is for someone to love, accept, and see her for exactly who she is–not who she was, or who she will be. She wanted it to be Vi. And yet, it was Silco.

Except now he’s gone.

Steeling her resolve, she stands up and stalks over to the “Jinx” chair, which she collapses in.

Then she takes the gemstone, leaving Vi behind, and she stalks up to a sort of scaffolding where she can see the Council room in Piltover. She sticks the gemstone in the gun (it’s Fishbones, one of her weapons she uses in League and yes it’s a shark and yes it’s GLORIOUS), takes aim, narrows her eyes, and fires.

We then get this horrendous slow-motion montage of the missile Jinx fires, which is heading right for the Council, whom you may remember just finished agreeing to broker peace between the two cities.

Awkward.

Right before it goes through the window, we see a glint on Mel’s…armor? Outfit? The fancy lil gold things she wears, and she turns–we see Caitlyn and Vi stumbling out of the cannery together, seeing the missile, seeing where it’s headed…Vi is watching on in shock, Caitlyn is screaming (her mom is on the council remember so that’s cool that’s fun)

The screen cuts to black, and that’s the end.

WE ALL HAVING FUN YET HA HA HA THIS IS SUCH A FUN SHOW ABOUT FRIENDSHIP AND FAMILY AND ALSO CLASSISM AND OPPRESSION AND TRAUMA AND I AM NOT OKAY

This whole end moment with the missile is set to “What Could Have Been” sung by Sting and flourished with beautiful violin by Ray Chen and it’s juST. IT’S. FINE.

THIS IS FINE. I AM FINE.

Everything about the final scene is such a punch to the gut–like it’s not even a cliffhanger, it literally brings you to the edge of the cliff and then just sucker punches you right off of it and just when you manage to grab a branch to hold on to it comes up to you and says “no, I think not” and then breaks the branch you’re holding so that you’re falling again. We’re all gonna be in just massive freefall for the next probably couple years until Season 2, everybody hold hands, we’re going down together.

I could honestly just write an entire post about that final scene alone and dissect every little detail, because you just know an insane amount of thought went into it–partly because the team knows what’s coming next and we all have NO IDEA, THANKS FAM. Thanks for that. Love it.

Send help.

THE SECOND SEASON

So yes, we are getting season 2, it’s just likely we’re gonna have to wait quite a while. I mean, they said it took like…what, 6 years to make season 1? Yeah. Love that.

(but no actually I do because that means that season 1 gets to be as good as it is because so much time was taken for it–does it physically pain me to wait for season 2 because I will be stuck falling off that cliff until then yes it’s FINE)

All we know is from a short little announcement clip where we hear short lines from Vi, Caitlyn, and Jinx telling us…virtually nothing, honestly. Vi and Caitlyn imply they’re going after Jinx, someone’s probably gonna die, Vi insists it has to be just her so no one else gets hurt, Jinx says something like “I knew it was going to be you. It had to be you.” So…I mean I’m assuming that’s about Vi?

Or maybe that’s referring to Vander finally coming back. Who knows!

Anyway–will I post eventual updates once we have even the slightest CRUMB of knowledge??? Yes.

NO REALLY PLEASE WATCH THIS FOR YOURSELF

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–seriously for reals, give this show a try. I mean, absolutely the tragedy of it all is a punch to the gut but like…it’s a good punch, ya know? It makes me sad but at the same time I’m like “honestly this is like…a masterpiece?”

Like in a time where we’re “looking forward to” the, what, 200th Marvel film or the next unnecessary sequel to a beloved movie that absolutely should just be left the fuck alone or the live-action origin story to, what, Ursula’s evil eels from The Little Mermaid?–it’s so genuinely nice to consume a piece of media that is just good. I realize there are money-making ties to it because it’s a LoL property but like, that’s precisely one of the reasons I feel good recommending it. Like, y’all, things that are created because they tie to a franchise that makes a lot of money can actually be GOOD. LIKE. GENUINELY.

They have set the bar SO high and I love them for it.

So, yeah, give it a shot. It’s a gorgeous show with beautifully written characters and an incredibly compelling story in a stunning setting.

Also I need more people to cry about it with.

All in all, I give Act 3 of Season 1 of “Arcane”…

5/5 EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZED AND STILL CRYING ABOUT IT RED MOONS!!

(Before we go, please enjoy this picture from the bedroom scene between Caitlyn and Vi:

PRECIOUS!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!)

Arcane Act 2 REVIEW

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH

And we are BACK, folks!

As much as I have mixed feelings about the whole “wait a week to release more episodes” format (because I want it all nowwwwwwww), it was super fun walking into work on Saturday knowing that once I survived, I would have more Arcane to watch!

(is that sad? Maybe. Let me have this)

I will preface this post by saying I THOROUGHLY enjoyed Act 2–I think it did a great job of fleshing out the more overlooked key characters from Act 1 (CAITLYN MY BELOVED) while also still focusing on the ones already fleshed out nicely in Act 1. Plus we still had stellar animation and STELLAR music.

Were there questionable moments?

Yes.

Do I tentatively hope those moments were included for an actual reason and not just…to make us all feel uncomfortable?

Also yes.

(Seriously…did anyone ask for that sex scene? Anyone at all? Yeah. That’s what I thought. More on that later, though.)

Without any further ado, let us dive in!

(Also, spoiler warning now in effect!!)

THE STORY

We begin somewhat innocently with a conversation between Jayce and Heimerdinger. It starts out as a subtle way to show the audience that some undisclosed amount of time has passed–enough so that Jayce has like, forgotten how to shave? And also so that Jayce is now viewed as Piltover’s golden boy after successfully incorporating Hextech into a brand new feature for the city: the Hexgates. Heimerdinger tells a layered story to Jayce about a scientist of the past who was like, terrible at everything, but realized his students could change the world for the better. It’s a harmless enough conversation unless you’re watching it again after finishing the Act in which case o h n o

It’s apparently Progress Day for Piltover, (as well as a Bicentennial!) a day where the city celebrates its founding on the principles of science and progress in order to make the world a better place. This involves celebrations, visiting dignitaries, and a big speech where someone (usually Heimerdinger, as the city’s founder) talks about plans for the future and happiness and so on and so forth. This year however, Heimerdinger explains that the Council would like Jayce to give the speech instead, and Heimerdinger agrees with them–after all, even though Jayce explicitly went against Heimerdinger’s wishes years ago to work with Hextech, it is now undoubtedly helping the city prosper, so…yay!

We then catch up with Jayce’s buddy Caitlyn, who has joined the Enforcers against her family’s wishes (because she is a lady of good upbringing after all, why would she want to dirty her dainty hands being an Enforcer, smh). The audience learns that Caitlyn joined because she wants to make a difference, to serve the people of the city and protect them, but because of her family’s influence, she gets stuck with jobs like “standing outside her mother’s tent” and “the graveyard shift of walking around but out of any actual danger.” She’s frustrated, but congratulates Jayce on being asked to give the speech this year (after she makes fun of him for it a lil bit.)

We then finally catch up with Jayce’s lab partner and resident lanky disaster man, Viktor, who has…looked better, to put it lightly. Viktor and Jayce want to present what they are calling “the next chapter of Hextech,” a stabilized version of the tech that can put it into the hands of the common folk to help them and make their lives easier (this scene includes notable nods to both Vi’s eventual signature weapon as well as Viktor’s). Heimerdinger is suitably impressed, but he also tells them that they need to take more time perfecting it and guaranteeing its safety. This frustrates both men, Viktor in particular–this is their Hextech DREAM, after all! Later, when Jayce brings up Heimerdinger’s decision to Mel, she encourages him to throw aside his professor’s advice and instead give the people what they want. So who will Jayce listen to?

MEANWHILE, there seems to be a new gang causing trouble for both the citizens of Piltover AND the citizens (or rather, mostly just the criminals) of Zaun–the Firelights. These funky guys fly around on hoverboards of some sort, sporting angular full-face masks and wreaking havoc, though their end-goal is unclear. They interrupt a smuggling operation aboard an airship, and just when it seems like they’ve foiled the plans of the Zaun crew who are smuggling in Shimmer (remember that ominous purple liquid from Act 1 that turned people all beasty? It’s a drug problem now, and they’ve called it the very ominous sounding…Shimmer), our favorite blue-haired gal makes a comeback and destroys…basically everything.

Sporting twin braids and an arsenal of gadgets and weapons, Powder is back, but she goes by Jinx now. In the ensuing fight between her and the Firelights, she accidentally knocks the mask off one of them, revealing a girl with pink hair. It’s not Vi, but Jinx thinks it is for a moment, and it throws her off. Fractured by the memories that come flooding back to her, she opens fire on the entire ship, shooting some of her own Zaun-mates in the chaos.

Later, Caitlyn sneaks aboard the wreck of the airship to investigate on her own, sneaking some pictures of the damage and trying to recreate what happened for herself. Alas, she’s not supposed to be there (because, you know, she’s supposed to be “standing outside her mother’s tent and this blown up airship is definitely not a tent Caitlyn c’mon”), and the new sheriff of the Enforcers, Marcus (whom you may remember from Act 1 as Grayson’s hotheaded second-in-command, and also the Enforcer who knocked Vi out at the end before she could get back to Powder), tells her this isn’t her place and now she’s gonna take the graveyard shift and she’s gonna ENJOY IT.

Jayce’s big speech goes well, and he chooses in the moment to follow Heimerdinger’s advice, not yet revealing the new Hextech stuff to the general public. This disappoints Mel and frustrates Viktor, but don’t worry, soon he’ll be impressing Mel and…still…frustrating and upsetting Viktor….

wait that’s not what we wanted–

That night, one of the tents mysteriously gets set on fire. Caitlyn and the Enforcers go to investigate, hearing a little girl’s voice drawing them inside. Caitlyn recognizes some of the same imagery from the airship wreck, and yells for her fellow Enforcers to get out, but it comes too late–it turns out the little girl luring them inside is actually Jinx, causing chaos yet again. She blasts the tent and steals Jayce’s stabilized Hextech crystal thing he decided against showing to the public. Six Enforcers are killed, Caitlyn survives but with some injuries, and she uh…she also gets fired. Literally. Ba dum tssss

Back in Zaun, we learn that Jinx is a bit of a, uh, loose cannon, shall we say–Silco, who now runs the Undercity now that Vander is “gone,” vouches for her when everyone tells him she can’t be controlled, and it’s clear the two have an interesting if extremely not healthy father-daughter relationship. Because she wasn’t actually supposed to blow up an entire airship when the Firelights showed up, Silco tells her to sit out for a while and focus on her gadgets. Determined to prove herself, she blows up the tent and steals the Hextech crystal, which she presents as a Progress Day gift to Silco. (It’s around this time that we also learn that Silco and Marcus are working together, and it’s heavily implied that it’s due to Silco that Marcus is now the Sheriff–it’s an interesting juxtaposition to the previous relationship Vander and Grayson shared).

In order to patch up the problem of an entire Hextech crystal being stolen, Mel proposes that Jayce be made a new Council member in order to more effectively oversee Hextech safety. This is met with some skepticism, but it does work. Jayce attempts to enlist Caitlyn into his personal Council security (since she got fired and all), but she’s not content with a new desk job and is determined to get to the bottom of both the airship blast and the Progress Day attack. Her search leads her to a very gnarly prison, where we finally, FINALLY, see Vi again, having been likely locked up since she was first taken back at the end of Act 1 (it’s hinted that Silco told Marcus to kill her so that there wasn’t a danger of her coming back to steal Powder/Jinx from him, but Marcus wasn’t able to do so, and instead kept her locked up). Caitlyn and Vi team up, but what will Jinx do when she learns that her sister is back in town?

What will Silco do?

THE ART

This section is purely in here so I can reiterate that THE ART IS STILL INCREDIBLE AHHHHHH but also so I can give proper credit to Fortiche, the studio behind the animation and also one of the producers for the show. It’s great, it’s lovely, it makes me feel things. Thanks guys!

The glimpses of sketchy overlays from Act 1 (and seen more in the “Enemy” music video) are more prominent in this Act, which makes sense as they directly tie into being a visual representation of Jinx’s mental state. The quick cuts and overlays do a great job of helping us see into Jinx’s head a little bit, and specifically how it can really start messing with her even in/especially in the heat of battle. That first moment when she unmasks the Firelight and thinks it’s Vi? Iconic. Depressing. Beautiful.

There’s also even more of a pointed visual difference between Piltover and Zaun this Act, which again, makes sense story-wise. The elegant, muted colors of Piltover during Progress Day are a stark contrast to the almost blinding colors and sharp angles of Zaun now that Silco is directly in charge and distributing Shimmer freely. Zaun’s initial introduction in Act 1 with Bea Miller’s “Playground” playing over it wasn’t necessarily inviting, but it felt downright homey in comparison to the Undercity we’re introduced to in Act 2, and rightly so. Especially that scene showing off the transition of The Last Drop from a comforting sort of tavern into a drug-addled nightclub–it feels like a slap in the face, and it brings the audience right into how Vi must have felt once she’s finally able to return.

Visually, there’s one scene in particular we have to discuss, unfortunately, but it really deserves its own section…

THAT ONE SCENE

Have a sweet picture of baby Viktor because I refuse to include a picture of the actual scene in question.

So…if any of you have watched Downton Abbey, there’s a scene in Season 4 where our dearly beloved Anna is assaulted during a concert at the house. It’s a visceral scene and one that stays with you, for better or worse. I bring it up because the editing for the scene was an interesting choice–cuts of Anna were spliced with the peaceful music from upstairs in a jarring, almost whiplash-esque effect. It was an intriguing if divisive way to show this juxtaposition of two completely different events occurring at the exact same moment in time.

Episode 5 of Act 2 brings us a scene similar in that fashion–and visually it’s striking, which is why I feel like I have to bring it up. It’s also…very uncomfortable, and I have to hope that it was presented in such a way on purpose for whatever Act 3 has in store for us.

To set the scene–

As previously mentioned, Viktor doesn’t look so well from the very start of the Act. He seems to be limping more, he has permanent bags under his eyes, and he just generally looks more shaggy than he did previously, especially in comparison to Jayce. There’s a moment when Jayce is overlooking Hexgate transportation and shipping logs when Viktor coughs, leaving some blood on the railing (classic movie/TV trope of YOU BE DYING). He has similar coughing fits throughout the Act, but insists on waving off anyone who shows concern. Feeling snubbed by Jayce’s refusal to show off the next chapter of Hextech and by the fact that Jayce is spending more and more time in politics rather than in the science that initially inspired and bonded the two of them, Viktor locks himself away in the lab, night after night, determined to come up with something impressive. Specifically, he wants to crack what it is exactly that bonds mages to the Arcane so they can use it naturally and without danger (mages being folks who are born with the natural ability for magic, all of whom are banned from Piltover because they a city of SCIENCE and also because Heimerdinger had seen some nasty stuff from them and just wants peace, this poor tired immortal fuzzball). He works on it night after night, but can’t crack the code.

At the same time, Jayce is focusing more and more on politics and schmoozing with the Council members. Specifically, Mel. After all, she’s the one who allowed them to start Hextech work in the first place, and she’s the one who pushed to make Jayce a full new member of the Council. After Jayce decides to really step up Hexgate security in the wake of the smuggling disaster and his crystal being stolen, Mel brings to light the fact that now the entire Council is mad at him because he unintentionally ruined all of their black market deals. Ah, politics. In order to continue his push for safety while also keeping the Council on his side, he follows Mel’s footsteps and makes deals with the Council members so they can keep drinking illegal alcohol or whatever. The scary thing is that he’s good at it, too, and really impresses Mel.

The main point is that in Act 1, Jayce and Viktor became a team, they became partners. Viktor literally saved Jayce’s life when he was at his lowest point, and believed in him and his work when no one else did. Viktor risked everything to help Jayce with his research that first night, and in return, Jayce was determined to share the credit for the project (it was “OUR HEXTECH DREAM” aaaaaahhhhhhh). Act 2 shows how much that has changed. They still work and create together, but Jayce is receiving all the credit. He’s the face of the city, the only face of the city. Now it is implied that Jayce isn’t necessarily doing this on purpose, at least not currently. Before his big speech, he does say that Viktor should be up there with him, and Viktor says no, “not in front of all these people.”

(There’s a lot to unpack there when it comes to why he says no here–does he really mean yes, he wants to take the credit he is due, but he’s just as socially awkward as the rest of us and he’s hoping Jayce will understand what he actually wants and he doesn’t because bless Jayce he’s just so, so dumb? Possibly. I think it probably has more to do with Viktor’s past–he grew up a cripple from the Undercity, after all. As we see in his flashback, he’s used to being alone, possibly because he was bullied for his condition. How can he hope to stand beside Jayce, the golden boy, a perfect physical specimen of the city of progress, and claim any sort of right to those scientific breakthroughs? It’s mostly speculation at this point, so we’ll have to wait and see if Act 3 brings us the uh, robot Viktor we all know from LoL and the feud he has with Jayce.)

Though their friendship is still present, it’s clear that there are cracks starting to show, and it’s this state of things that brings us to…

that scene.

So basically, Viktor is working alone in the lab, again, desperately trying to get this new Hextech thing to work the way he wants it to. Jayce isn’t there, who knows how long it’s been since he’s been there, because he was busy schmoozing and impressing the Council members, but particularly, Mel. At the same time that Viktor has another coughing fit, his vision blurring, his blood splattering the console in front of him, Mel turns and kisses Jayce. We then experience this absolute insane sequence that, I kid you not, goes back and forth between a Jayce and Mel sex scene and Viktor LITERALLY DYING. The hextech thing Viktor has been working on reacts with his blood–that’s the key Viktor had been missing this whole time (which makes sense when you think about it–he’d been trying to figure out why mages, those born with the ability to bond with and control the arcane, are able to do just that, and it could be because they have a personal connection to it–it’s literally in their blood). He almost misses it, however, collapsing to the floor, and the crystal’s melding with his blood and changing is spliced with moments of Jayce and Mel…getting it on.

While it’s absolutely one of the most stunning visuals of the show, it also comes across as just…insanely uncomfortable. Mel and Jayce have a weird relationship already, but it never felt like it was leading towards any sort of “romance” prior to this point (and honestly, it still doesn’t feel like that). It’s also unclear if Mel actually has any sort of feelings for Jayce, or if she’s focusing on manipulating him for her own gains. I like Mel as a character–she’s incredibly clever, and we have seen her manipulate others to get her way in previous episodes (she manipulates a council vote this way in Act 1). It more seems like she likes having the golden boy under her thumb–when she’s frustrated that he left her after their “night together,” it’s unclear if it’s because she’s upset that they slept together but he left without a goodbye or a “hey call ya tomorrow,” or because she’s starting to learn that maybe she doesn’t totally control him as much as she would like. It’s an interesting dynamic, but again, it makes the whole scene with them reeeeaaaaally uncomfortable. And it’s unclear at this point if the scene is SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable, or if we’re supposed to be like “awwww yay romance” because it SURE doesn’t feel like it.

As many fans in the tumblr tag will tell you, Jayce and Viktor had WAYYYYYY more chemistry together than Jayce and Mel, and also a way more developed relationship?

(So do Vi and Caitlyn…we will absolutely get to that, don’t worry)

Now, in the story’s defense, there really wasn’t any point where it was confirmed that Jayce and Viktor even thought about being more than ~lab partners~ ya know? I mean, is it frustrating because we’re all just overly starved for queer content? Yes. Is it also frustrating because, as previously stated, Mel and Jayce have almost zero development and this whole thing came out of NOWHERE? Also yes.

On the flip side, I’m cautiously optimistic simply because the storytelling up to this point has been grand, and everything has felt in place the way it is for a reason. It is a WEIRD choice to juxtapose Viktor’s almost-death with Jayce and Mel’s sex scene, and weird enough that I’m, again, cautiously optimistic that there has to be a reason for it. I dunno what it is yet, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway. Weird scene. Bleh. Moving on.

THE MUSIC

IT IS SO GOOD, ONCE AGAIN.

New bops incorporated through the episodes with the score include “Dirty Little Animals” and “Guns for Hire,” both of which are excellent in like, completely different ways.

As for the score, my new favorites include “A Bicentennial,” “She’s Here,” “Too Risky,” and “Showdown,” but ohhhhhhh bOI THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD.

Also??? Ray Chen???? Violinist extraordinaire????? Incredible. Amazing. 400/10.

THE AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Okay. Alright. Okay.

So I was vaguely aware going into this show that Caitlyn x Vi was a popular ship, but also like, there’s a zillion characters in LoL and therefore a zillion ships and again, the present lore is kind of a hot mess so confirmations on any sort of…anything are rare, really.

I would also like to state that TECHNICALLY. TECHNICALLY. AS OF NOW. THEY’RE STILL NOT. NECESSARILY. CANON.

HOWEVER.

OhhhhhhhhhhhmyWORD. I also agree with everyone saying there is no heterosexual explanation for this??? Like Vi does this to Cait in the brothel scene??? She says “you’re hot, cupcake”????? She asks “man or woman” and Cait just panics and then Vi sees her flirting with a woman no problem????? “Stop calling me that.” “But you’re so sweet…like a cupcake…”?????? Not to mention the apothecary scene where Caitlyn trades her rifle for a potion to save Vi’s life and she barely knows her I’m????? And then when Vi comes back to consciousness and she’s holding her face that way I’m?????????

Now is it very possible that we will still get no confirmation by the end of Act 3 YES. But again–I am, perhaps against my better judgment, cautiously optimistic? There’s too much there, right? SURELY THERE’S TOO MUCH THERE.

Not to mention when Jayce comes to see Caitlyn earlier on and gives her a bouquet of flowers and she LITERALLY TOSSES THEM ASIDE???????

Again, I am fully prepared to be let down. However I am also. Cautiously optimistic.

Caitlyn was also the first character I really loved in LoL so she holds a dear place in my heart and I wiLL LOSE MY MIND IF WE GET CANON QUEER CAITLYN. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

THE CHARACTERS

JINX–I really enjoy how they’re handling her so far. Though years have passed since Act 1, she’s still very much a scared child, and circumstances being what they are, she’s fallen into very much the wrong crowd. Silco was her lifeline at the end of Act 1, and he still is here. Interestingly, he genuinely seems to care about her, perhaps because he sees much of himself in her, and she would do anything for him and his approval. Combine that with the clear moments where she is tinkering and inventing and creating, we have a very smart girl who was handed a really bad hand. Also, her recreations of Mylo and Claggor in her room (lair?) are just heartbreaking, thanks.

VI–It absolutely destroys me that Vi has likely been in prison since the end of Act 1. Seeing her come back to Zaun was heartbreaking–she still fits in, but so much of it has changed with Vander’s absence. Her teamup with Caitlyn is, of course, delightful, but her determination for her sister is what brought us all here, of course (at least initially. The tumblr tag may have you thinking otherwise). She has quips for days and muscles that are just yeah. Yep. She’s extremely likable, even when she’s making brash decisions, which is good.

CAITLYN–We saw so much more of my love this Act which was delightful!! One review I saw talked about how Caitlyn’s arc is so interesting specifically because she genuinely wants to do good and help people, but at this stage, she’s still so naive about everything. It never occurs to her that the Enforcers running the prison would be taking prisoners and beating them up for fun, because aren’t they the good guys? She genuinely didn’t know what life in Zaun was like. Her whole world is turned upside down in this Act, and her determination to actually be the good guy is what drives her forward. And probably her determination to stay with Vi and honestly, same.

JAYCE–Ohhhhhh my poor man is so, so dumb. I guess Jayce in LoL lore is supposed to be like, a total asshole, so everyone was all “aw he’s nice in this!” but we’re starting to see where that potential for asshole-ism can come from. He started out as a total science bro, but as we saw in this Act, he likes attention. He likes the power. He’s still not totally overrun by it yet, but that scene where he schmoozes with the other Council members about their illegal dealings was like, gross. He was too good at it. I don’t like it. But what’s fascinating is that as disgusting as some of his decisions were in this Act, it’s all written in such a way that it all makes sense with the way his character is right now. He made the choices he did because why wouldn’t he?

VIKTOR–OHHHHH MY POOR MAN. HE NEEDS A HUG. OR SOMETHING. I said most of my Viktor thoughts in the section about, uh, that scene, so there’s not much to revisit. The big news is that Viktor is officially dying (though we all kind of knew that) and his new discovery with Hextech, which he’s calling the Hexcore, could potentially save him. Curious to see when he transforms into Viktor Robot, as he is in LoL.

I don’t have a lot of specific things to say about Silco, Heimerdinger, or Mel, as I’ve said some things already. I will say for Heimerdinger that I think he’s really interestingly written–he’s frustrating because it seems like, as the founder of the City of Progress, he’s weirdly intent on stifling the progress that Viktor and Jayce want to make, but we know he has reasons. The Rune Wars have only been alluded to so far, but they are the reason Heimerdinger is skeptical of magic and intent on safety when it comes to science. Again, it does make him frustrating sometimes, HOWEVER…he deserved better than that ending thank you.

HEADING INTO ACT 3…

Awww man it all comes to a head on November 20, so what do we have to look forward to?

Furious that she’d been lied to about her sister’s life and whereabouts, Jinx leaves Silco and lights a flare in an attempt to encourage Vi to find her. Vi, meanwhile, has been hunted down by Silco, who is determined to get rid of her so he can keep his relationship with Jinx intact. Caitlyn and Vi manage to escape, much to Silco’s frustration, and on their way out, Vi catches sight of the flare Jinx lit up.

Meanwhile, Jayce, potentially drunk on power and I guess, Mel, is determined to make real change in the city, but Heimerdinger thinks they need to change their focus back to what made Piltover so successful to begin with–good ol’ fashioned SCIENCE. It should also be noted that Jayce is a little miffed at Heimerdinger for wanting to get rid of the Hexcore, despite its potential to be able to save Viktor’s life (maybe). Again, in Heimerdinger’s defense, he can tell the thing is downright dangerous, and let’s be real, nothing good in these stories has ever come from something that needs blood to work properly. With all of this urging him on, Jayce puts forth a vote to forcibly remove Heimerdinger from his head seat on the Council, stating that perhaps it’s time for a well-deserved retirement. At this point, Jayce essentially has the entire Council in his pocket thanks to his earlier schmoozing and sex…ing, so the vote is unanimous, and Heimerdinger is ousted. His lil face is VERY SAD ABOUT THIS AND IT MAKES ME VERY SAD ALSO.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Viktor is off to seek the help of an old ally of his from when he was a kid, someone who knows a thing or two about mutations and magic and weird stuff like that–essentially, someone who can help with his Hexcore problem. Basically as it is now, it has the power to react with living things and make them flourish, but then they die almost instantly. So that’s not ideal. So yeah, our buddy Singed is back! You may remember him briefly from the initial lab experiments with Shimmer before Jinx accidentally blew everything up, and he met Viktor when Viktor was a kid and they formed sort of a temporary friendship over a giant axolotl dragon, as you do.

Back with our main girls, just as the flare burns out, Vi does manage to reach Jinx. Right then, however, they are attacked by the Firelights. The battle starts out well enough with Jinx and Vi actually working together, but Jinx’s cracked psyche comes into play and she almost hits Vi with one of her shots. We get this really heartbreaking moment where Vi realizes that her sister didn’t just become this way because she did what she had to to survive, like she’d originally thought–some part of her actually enjoys this, so much that she can’t always control it. What’s interesting though is that even when Jinx hallucinates in the heat of battle, her body still reacts before she does, often saving her from being hit.

At the end of it all, the Firelights knock Vi out and take her away, leaving Jinx alone. Again.

SO THERE’S A LOT TO DEAL WITH.

We also still have some questions not dealt with from Act 1–for example, where was Ekko this Act? The popular theory is that he’s actually the leader of the Firelights, which would explain their inclusion to begin with, but we don’t know for sure yet. We also saw no further hint of Vander being confirmed as Warwick, and again, I’m assuming Robot Viktor has to come into play at some point.

I’ll need to watch it again, because I also can’t recall where Caitlyn or the Hextech crystal that Jinx stole ended up at the very end–did the Firelights take Caitlyn too, or just Vi? I know Jinx doesn’t have the crystal anymore and Caitlyn was trying to get it, but I think it might be with the Firelights also. Unclear, must watch again. Oh noooooooo.

There’s also a little speculation that the violinist from the concert scene where Jayce schmoozes might be JHIN which would be amazing, I love that crazy man, one of my favorite characters to play in LoL.

HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS FOR YOURSELF YET AND WHY NOT

Seriously, if you haven’t hopped aboard the Arcane train yet, I still highly recommend it. Act 2, at least in my opinion, absolutely lived up to the impressive standard Act 1 set, and expanded the world and the characters introduced to us. Plus if you get into it now, you can enjoy the countdown to the Final Act! Yayyyyy!

All in all, I give Arcane Act 2….

5/5 CUPCAKES!!

Do you…do you get it…it’s because…….because Vi calls Caitlyn cupcake…………..andthatwillbetheendofmebye

Arcane Act 1 REVIEW

HOOOOOOOOOO BOY LADS IT’S HEREEEEEEEEE

I’m qualifying this as video game-adjacent enough that it belongs on this blog so here we gooooooo!

Lemme preface this review by stating that I am approaching the series as an EXTREMELY casual League of Legends fan–I play exclusively on bots because real people are terrifying and it’s absolutely true that League has earned its reputation for, um, less than savory 5v5 human interactions, unfortunately. That being said, the world of League has fascinated me for years, and I have a grand time trying out different characters and play styles while also avoiding the repercussions of playing against other real humans.

I’m also a huge fan of the storytelling Riot occasionally throws into its events–yes, at the end of the day, League is an MMO with a minor focus on story and the like, HOWEVER…they pretty much always have some sort of event running to tease us with storytelling potential. Is it primarily to sell skins and other merchandise? Yes. Do I buy into it often? Also yes.

While Riot has certainly played around with the idea of story before, they’ve almost never (to my knowledge) really threaded it into the game itself. Yes, each champion has extensive lore, but you have to seek it out for yourself if you’re curious, and it’s not essential to the gameplay. Is it more fun with the lore?? I mean I think so, but Riot is also aware of their audience–mostly people who don’t like reading, I assume. Some events in the past have offered some alternate universes with story for the champions, i.e., Star Guardians, Odyssey, Spirit Blossom, and K/DA (I’m sure there have been others, but as a suuuuuuper casual player, these have been some of my personal favorites). While many of these events have come with their own stories and often really impressive animated clips to help hype everyone up (or music that is a real bop and has no reason to go as hard as it does???), they still haven’t shoved lore down anyone’s throats necessarily.

THAT ALL CHANGED THIS WEEKEND WITH THE RELEASE OF ARCANE, BABYYYYYYYY.

Set to release in 3 acts over the next couple weeks, Arcane delves into the lore of some specific regions involving some of League’s well-known champions, telling their story in a beautifully animated and also incredibly heart-crushing tale. Again, I’m approaching the series as someone who has delved (shockingly) very little into League lore itself (unless it involves Xayah, the actual love of my life…also possibly Ahri, unironically), so I’m going in mostly blind.

Did I have an absolutely fantastic AND terrible time as Arcane managed to fill my heart with happiness and then promptly rip it out of my chest and crush it in front of me? HEEEECCCCKKKKKK YEAHHHHHHHHHH BOIS.

Do you need to know anything at all about League of Legends before going into this show? Amazingly…NOPE! It’s miraculously built this story that both (from what I’ve read so far) satisfies long-time fans and complete newbies alike. It’s exactly what I’ve been craving from Riot for a loooooong time, and so far? I ain’t disappointed in the slightest.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

(light spoiler warning now if you’d rather go into the show totally and completely blind)

THE STORY

Arcane starts on an absolutely decimated bridge, full of bodies and fire and all manner of cheerful things. It is here we meet our (arguably) primary trio of ultimate Dad Vander, protective and too grown up already Vi, and too precious for all of this crap going on around her Powder. Through a rather haunting and mostly silent opening scene, we gather that in the carnage, Vi and Powder’s parents were killed. They both fall into the arms of Vander, who makes a point of removing these massive metal gauntlets he was wearing to fight in order to carry them both.

We cut forward a few years, and we learn that Vi and Powder now run with a lil gang of sorts with their buddies Claggor and Mylo (oh look I’m already crying ha ha we’ll talk about that later)–mostly it seems like they go on jobs to steal fancy rich things from the fancy rich city of Piltover so they can survive in the Undercity. On this particular job, however, they end up raiding some sort of science-y place, though they can’t figure out what anything inside actually does. Powder wanders into a side room and comes across these eerie blue crystals. In the panic of almost getting caught when someone tries to open the door on them, one of the crystals drops from Powder’s grasp and uh, blows up…the building…

This is fine.

The four kids race through Piltover to escape the Enforcers and the consequences of, you know, blowing up a building, but they manage to slide down a sewer to safety. For now. On their way back through the Undercity, they are challenged by a ragtag group of thugs for their treasures. Vi tosses the bag of loot to Powder while she, Claggor, and Mylo attempt to fight their way out. Powder is seen by one of the thugs, however, and runs off, hoping to keep the loot safe. Cornered, she attempts to create some sort of mechanical bomb to throw the thug off and get away safely, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work, and in order to save herself, she tosses the bag of treasures into the water, where it’s (presumably) lost forever. Claggor and Mylo (mostly Mylo) are furious with Powder for losing everything, but Vi tells them off, comforting Powder as best she can.

(Anyone coming into this with previous LoL knowledge will note that Mylo calls Powder a “jinx,” because everything goes wrong whenever she tags along, like she jinxes the jobs….for any newbies out there, just note that that’s an important moment for the future.)

While Vi and Powder reconcile, letting the audience in on the fact that Vi is best at fighting with her fists while Powder seems to be more gadget-oriented (despite the fact that none of her inventions have actually worked….yet…..oh look I’m crying again ha ha), Vander meets up with one of his pals Benzo at his shop. It’s here we’re introduced to Ekko, another well-known champion from League, so therefore, someone to keep an eye on. Vander and Benzo’s chat is interrupted by some Enforcers from Topside–it’s hinted at that Vander actually works with the Enforcers to some degree, and has been for some time. Though the peace between the Topside of Piltover and the Undercity is strenuous at best, it is present, and it’s implied that that’s due in no small part to Vander and his “partnership” with the leader of the Enforcers. Grayson, the Enforcer…captain? tells Vander that she needs to bring someone to justice for the um, blown-up building that um, got blown up. She hints that if Vander just gives her a name, any name, things don’t have to get any uglier–the Council just needs someone to blame. Vander, of course, knows that those to blame are his adopted problematic children, and he won’t give them up. Grayson warns that if he doesn’t, the Enforcers will keep coming down to the Undercity until they have someone they can blame. Because of this, Vander tells Vi and the kids that they need to lie low for a while until this can all be sorted out.

Meanwhile, on the Topside, we catch up with the person whose scientific lab thing got blown up–a young idealist and magic enthusiast, Jayce. Even though Jayce didn’t blow up the lab himself, it was still his lab and his research, and the Council doesn’t yet have anyone from the Undercity they can blame, so Jayce is brought in for a trial to determine his fate. It comes to light that Jayce is fascinated by magic, specifically because it saved him and his mother when he was younger (they were rescued by a mysterious mage whom I believe most have theorized to be another LoL champion, Ryze, although I’m not sure if that’s been officially confirmed or not yet). Piltover, however, is strictly anti-mage and anti-the-arcane (ROLL CREDITS) because of all the damage magic can do. Jayce has seen the good it can do, however, so he’s intent on combining magic and technology to be used for good, and he tells the Council as such–annnnnd it almost ruins his trial. Ultimately, Jayce is expelled from the Academy and sent to live with his parents, rather than being banished from Piltover for good. His mother is thrilled about this, of course, but Jayce doesn’t understand how she can be so okay with this whole anti-magic sentiment when it literally saved her life. He almost gives up entirely, but not before his professor Heimerdinger’s assistant, Viktor, comes to talk to him. Viktor wants to team up with Jayce because he believes this magic-technology thing could definitely work, and he wants to help. Together, they agree to break into the Academy and Heimerdinger’s office in particular in order to nab Jayce’s equipment and create what Jayce is calling “Hextech” (and if you’re even a casual LoL fan like me, you probably said “hextech” right along with him).

MEANWHILE meanwhile, in an abandoned building in the Undercity, some freaky creepy dude with a nasty scar on one side of his face and one eerie glowing eye, Silco, is working on some sort of purple serum that turns humans and animals into raging beast forms of themselves with incredible strength and, likely, bloodlust. Working together with Singed, Silco gives this purple serum to Deckard, one of the thugs who attacked Vi and the gang earlier on in order to take their loot. But what exactly is Silco’s endgoal with this serum, and how will Vi and Powder be tied into it all?

SPOILER WARNING NOW IN EFFECT!! LIKE FOR REAL THIS TIME!! If you wanna go in mostly blind, I highly recommend doing so!

As someone who, as we all know if you’ve spent any amount of time on this blog, is REALLY SUPER INTO STORY, so far this show is doing a FANTASTIC job. Act 1 essentially serves as the prologue, and it’s PHENOMENAL. It’s dark, it’s intriguing, it’s incredibly heartfelt, it does a beautiful job of rounding out its key characters and their motivations, and it pulls you in and keeps you there. Was I in pain basically the entirety of the third episode as I watched all the unfortunate events unfold? Absolutely. Did it only hit as hard as it did because the show did a brilliant job of preparing me and making me relate to and love the characters it gave me beforehand? Definitely. Did it build an intriguing world with intriguing issues that were relatively easy to follow and feel for? For sure. The unfairness of Benzo’s and Grayson’s deaths at the hand of a ruthless monster just because they were in the way? Smacks you in the face. The suddenness of Claggor’s and Mylo’s deaths just when things started going somewhat their way? Hits you upside the head. The heartwrenching mini arc of Vander giving himself the purple serum just so he can save Vi one last time rather than pursuing revenge against Silco, and then asking Vi to take care of Powder? Vi learning that Powder was the cause of the explosion that ultimately cost Claggor and Mylo their lives (and, presumably, Vander as well) despite the fact that Vi asked her to stay home and stay safe? Calling her a jinx, blaming her for everything? Running from her? Trying to get back to her but being pulled away by the Enforcer? Silco realizing he can use Powder’s pain to his advantage in his war?

I’m crying again.

I’ll be curious to see where they go from here and if the other Acts are able to pack quite the punch this first one did–Act 1 really plays like a perfect tragedy, misunderstandings and all, and I’m interested to see if they format the remaining two acts in the same way.

Also, will it make me cry more? Probably.

THE ART

Alright so first off–visually, this show is STUNNING. The best description I’ve seen so far is from people calling it “concept art come to life” and it really feels like that! The animation is smooth and wonderful, and the choppy looks of the characters really fits into the world they inhabit, both Piltover and Zaun alike. And the fight choreography?? THE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY????

Even the slow-motion moments don’t feel out of place, giving the viewer time to really focus on and think about the horrors both they and the other characters are witnessing, whether it be Powder watching her friends getting beat up while she sits on the sidelines, or Vi watching Vander fall to the serum-ed beast Deckard. The color schemes for both Zaun and Piltover are different enough to separate the two environments clearly, but similar enough that it’s clear they’re still somewhat unified.

THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!!!!!!

There are also glimpses in Act 1 of these sketchy, messy overlay animations that flash in and out–if you’ve seen any of the other marketing for Arcane, including the “Enemy” music video and the Worlds 2021 Opening Show, you may recognize this. It seems that those flashes directly tie into Powder’s mental state, but we probably won’t see more of it until she’s fully transitioned into the Jinx we all know and love and are also kind of terrified of from LoL. It’s a jarring effect, but somehow it doesn’t feel out of place in Arcane’s world, which is nice.

Caitlyn, my beloved

THE MUSIC

OHHHHHHH BOY Y’ALL, THE MUSIC.

If there’s another thing I’m continually pulled in by about Riot, it’s the music. Whether it’s K-Pop bangers like K/DA or sweeping orchestral songs like their champion themes, the music is just *chef’s kiss* and I’m thrilled to report that Arcane is no exception. Just like the episodes, songs and music from the show will be released each week following each Act.

The score, composed by Alexander Temple and Alex Seaver of Mako (according to the opening credits) is DELICIOUS. It’s eerie and unsettling when it needs to be, it’s powerful and endearing at other times, I love it. And yes, I’ve had it on repeat since I started writing this review, what of it.

So far, my favorite tracks are “The Bridge,” “Just A Taste,” and “You’re a Jinx” because I really like crying.

For the other songs, so far we have the opening theme “Enemy” as well as “Playground,” “Our Love,” and “Goodbye.” All of which are complete BOPS albeit it very different ways. I am thrilled for the rest of the soundtrack–so far at least, the songs have folded really well into each episode, and I’m excited for more.

THE CHARACTERS

Like I’ve mentioned above, so far I think Arcane does a brilliant job of introducing characters and their world and having the viewer really feel for them (or hate them, depending). From Vi’s ragtag group of misfits to Jayce and Viktor to Vander and Silco and whatever was going on there, I really felt like I understood them all to some degree.

We also know already based off of trailers that we will follow (the surviving) characters into the future some years, which also creates potential for even more LoL champions to make an appearance–as of now, we have Vi, Jinx, Jayce, Viktor, Singed, Ekko, Caitlyn, Heimerdinger, and Ryze (have we determined that that was definitely Ryze? Probably? Most likely? Okay). Because the show also gives us some key characters who seem to have no tie to current League lore, it leaves us with some fun speculation about who they could become…

The two most popular theories I’ve seen so far relate to Silco and Vander–while most seem to be concluding that Vander will eventually become Warwick (for any LoL newbies out there, Warwick is not a champion I play personally, but he’s essentially a werewolf experiment man gone horribly wrong, and his lore hints at previously being a man who just wanted to settle down and do some good in the world after a troubled past, and also apparently he remembers a little girl…could be Vi or Powder?), I haven’t seen a lot about who Silco could become, aside from, perhaps, a brand new champion introduced in League at a later date.

Could be fun! Could also be extremely satisfying to go head-to-head with him in game as Vi.

While the speculation about champions in the series and who else could be introduced is a fun game, it’s also worth noting that you don’t need to know ANY of that to enjoy Arcane–the series so far is doing a great job as a standalone piece, with plenty of easter eggs for LoL fans, but mostly it’s just an enjoyable piece of media all on its own.

HEADING INTO ACT 2…

So what happened at the end that needs to be addressed and dealt with in Act 2 on November 13?

EVERYTHING IS A MESS THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED

Okay really though–

After Silco and his mad scientist group of friends kidnapped Vander, Vi, Claggor, and Mylo race off to save him.Vi tells Powder to sit this one out, because she cannot lose anyone else. Powder reluctantly agrees, but she’s clearly not happy about it–after all, wasn’t Vi the one who said she was ready?

We learn that Vander and Silco were involved in the original uprising of the Undercity against Piltover, and that Vander decided to focus on keeping the peace and Silco hates him for it, convinced that fighting is the only true way to victory. He locks Vander to a chair, but before he can perform any sort of experiments, Vi and the gang show up to the rescue.

While Claggor works on an escape route and Mylo focuses on freeing Vander from the chair, Vi challenges all of Silco’s goons, actually doing a decent job. She equips Vander’s gauntlets–a nod to the giant hextech gauntlet fists she wears in game and will eventually have on the show (I’m assuming)–and though she manages to fight off most of them, it’s almost lights out when Silco sends a serum-ed up Deckard after her.

Meanwhile, Powder decides to try her hand at gadgets one more time, employing the explosive crystals she stole in the beginning, determined to save her sister and her friends. Once she sees Deckard overpowering Vi, she knows she has to help, and sends in one of her homemade gadgets, crystal attached.

Meanwhile, one of the Council members, Mel, assisted Jayce and Viktor in getting inside Heimerdinger’s office to work on Jayce’s experiments. They manage to crack the hextech code just in time for Heimerdinger to witness it, claiming that this is dangerous and isn’t Piltover’s future, just as Mel walks in and says “well, actually…”

Back with the rest of the crew, in a really unfortunate sequence of just…all-around bad timing, it looks like Vi, Vander, Claggor, and Mylo actually would have been able to escape just in time, but right then, Powder’s crystal bomb goes off. One of her gadgets finally works, but uh…not…not in a good way.

The multiple explosions brought about by the crystal send the abandoned building reeling, setting everything ablaze–Silco shoves a wounded Vander off the edge, where he lands on a pile of vials of the purple serum. The ceiling collapses on Claggor and Mylo, trapping Vi as well. Seeing Silco closing in on Vi, Vander takes the serum himself, morphing into a beastly version of himself in order to save her. As the last of the building catches on fire, Vander and Vi manage to escape, but it seems that the fall from that height was too much even for Vander’s beastly form, and he seems to die right in front of Vi.

(It should also be noted that Singed was shown for a brief moment in the chaos, but his fate remains unknown)

Vi, reeling from losing all her friends and her father figure all at once, is interrupted by Powder–having been blasted from the building herself after the first explosion, she has seen none of the consequences of her actions thus far. She’s thrilled that one of her inventions finally, finally worked!

Confused, grieving, and frustrated, Vi takes it out on Powder, once she realizes what her sister has done. Despite Powder’s pleas, Vi walks away from her, collapsing around a corner in tears. Powder falls to the ground, screaming and crying. Vi notices that Silco has spotted Powder, but before she can go back to her, she’s knocked out by an Enforcer and taken away.

Silco, realizing he can use Powder’s pain to his advantage, promises to be there for her.

So, basically, everything is awful, and we now have the setup for why it seems Powder(Jinx) and Vi are fighting each other in the opening sequence. So where will Act 2 take us?

SHOULD YOU WATCH THIS FOR YOURSELF?

YES. I mean, if you’re a League fan, definitely. If you’re into gnarly animated series with excellent characters and worldbuilding, yes. I don’t know that I’d say this is for everyone, but I definitely think it’s worth a shot if you’re at all curious about it. Again, you don’t need to know anything about League prior to going into it, which I think is such a great selling point for it.

Time will tell if the other Acts are as strong as this first one was, but man, what a way to begin your story.

Tune in next week for “will I cry about Act 2 HAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION”

In the meantime, I highly recommend you chug on over to Netflix and check out Act 1 of Arcane.

All in all, I give Arcane Act 1 a rating of….

5/5 UNFORTUNATELY EXPLOSIVE CRYSTALS!!

Joker REVIEW

*deep inhale*

Good people of the Internet.

Occasionally with my A-List thing, I have gone to see a movie that I would never have seen otherwise. Sometimes, this has paid off very well for me (Booksmart, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, Us, Escape Room) and sometimes, I have been filled with almost nothing but regret (Alita: Battle Angel, Pet Sematary, Avengers: Endgame, Toy Story 4). Nonetheless, I’ve had a fun time breaking down why exactly I’ve enjoyed some movies more than others, or why some had an effect on me while others didn’t.

I, generally, like superhero movies. So like a week ago, I took myself to the movies and I saw Joker, which…is…a movie. That I saw. Yep.

Mhm. It’s definitely a film. And I certainly saw it.

THE PLOT

The film follows Arthur Fleck, who starts as a clown for hire and ends up as just a clown 🌝

Okay, okay, plot. The plot.

Arthur Fleck is a “troubled” individual with an interesting brain thing that means occasionally he will go into fits of uncontrollable laughter. He has laminated cards that explain this that he can hand to people if it happens.

Arthur lives with and takes care of his ailing mother, who idolizes Thomas Wayne (resident Rich Guy Who Makes TV Appearances Often and Talks About The Greater Good) and believes that “if he only knew how we were living, he would help us.” Arthur doesn’t really believe this, but he loves his mother and humors her about this.

The point of the film is to follow Arthur and attempt to explain what sent him into the downward spiral that led to him being known as the infamous Joker. That’s about it.

I can’t really say much more without spoiling things (if you’re someone who cares about that for this movie, I mean…he’s…he becomes the Joker I don’t know how much more obvious it could be) and I really don’t want to hold back my opinions anymore SO without further ado…

THE REVIEW

Like I said above, I, generally, like superhero movies. I was intrigued by the idea of a solo Joker movie because I think Joker is a fascinating villain, and I think there’s a lot you can do with his backstory–while still making it crystal clear that he is a villain.

I really, really disliked this movie. I wanted to like it, I really did, but I just don’t. I can’t.

I took some time getting this review out partially because I bought Breath of the Wild recently and wow that game is fantaaaaaaastic, but also because I wanted this to be as objective as possible. My first draft of this review was scathing and unfair and without any thought to the other side. I’m sure much of it is still like that, despite my best efforts, but fun fact: it’s my movie blog, and if you disagree, you’re welcome to write your own review. Cool thanks.

I can and will give a plethora of reasons for disliking it, believe me. I walked out of that theater feeling cheated and gross and just bleh. I continue to think that it’s such a shame, because it’s a beautifully shot film. The cinnamontography is absolutely incredible, and Joaquin Phoenix does an amazing job as the lead. It’s stunning acting work and stunning camera work and it’s a SHAME that it’s wasted on whatever the hell this movie is.

Like…we have ANOTHER Alita: Battle Angel you guys. With the exception that I don’t think there was any necessarily stellar acting in Alita, but I digress. For the moment.

I guess there’s no better way to put it than I was disappointed. It’s very similar to how I felt walking out of Endgame, except this one makes me fear for what people who “relate” to Arthur Fleck will do. But both films made me feel stupid for ever thinking some profound, good storytelling could come out of superhero stories.

And it really sucks because it is possible: Black Panther, Thor: Ragnarok, Into the Spider-Verse, Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, the very first Iron Man, these are examples to me of how profound, good storytelling can come out of superhero stories. I, admittedly, don’t follow any of the comics (there are so many oh god how do I even start ahhhhhhh), but from what I hear from people, there is some amazing storytelling at work there.

So, wow, it really feels like a letdown when we get a movie like this.

Now, normally, I would break down such elements as the music, the characters, the ending, so on and so forth, but I don’t think that would get us anywhere with this one, and it’s not really what I want to talk about anyway, so things will be divided up a little differently this time.

Without any further ado, let’s dive into…whatever the hell Joker is.

Also, spoiler alert now in effect. Although anything I say that might sound surprising and plot-twist-y might get proved false later and leave you sitting there like “…wait, what?” And that’s pretty much how the whole movie goes, so you’re welcome.

THE MENTAL ILLNESS THING

So let’s start with probably the most obvious thing: the Joker is like, not…well?

I mean, kind of a “no shit, Sherlock” moment but hear me out: this is a very, very big deal in the movie. Arthur Fleck, a.k.a., Joker, is mentally ill somehow. I don’t think we ever learn how specifically, it’s just a general “Mental Illness” thing. Whatever it is, he hallucinates, isn’t super great in social situations, feels zero remorse about killing multiple people, and paints his own blood on his face at the end. So. Yeah.

He’s also aware that he has a mental illness. I mean he sees some sort of health worker/therapist whatever before the funding gets cut, he knows the laughing thing isn’t normal, and he writes in his notebook the very, very profound “the worst part about having a mental illness is that people expect you to act like you don’t” (or something very similar to that) Oh. Wow. So profound. Much deep. *confetti or whatever*

Here’s why this is an incredibly generic route for the movie to take and also why it doesn’t work: it’s been done before. It’s the kind of general “mental illness is eeeeeevil” plot that you could have expected out of a movie in 2010, maybe, but this is 2019, ya fools (and now it’s 2020 even!!). Writing off the main villain’s issues as “general mental illness” is just bland, not to mention incredibly insensitive. Portraying a bad guy as mentally ill? Wow, way to vilify an entire large chunk of the human population yet again. It’s the same thing you do when you code your villain as gay–it’s been done countless times before, and all it does is further solidify the narrative that that group of people is subhuman and in contrast to “heroes.” Good work, y’all.

(“But wait!” I hear you say, “Batman doesn’t even make an APPEARANCE in this film, it’s just child Bruce Wayne, so you can’t even say there’s anything TO contrast Joker with because there is no hero!”

To which I say “Unfortunately, as we will delve into later, that was kind of the point. This is supposed to be an “anti-comic book movie” whatever the hell that means. Which like, cute, but as has been established before in many different adaptations: you cannot have the Joker without Batman, and vice versa. They complete each other. It’s so ingrained into our culture that when you think of one, you automatically think of the other. So even though Batman doesn’t make an appearance in this film, per se, you still think of him. You still watch his origin just as much as Joker’s. The very idea of Batman haunts Joker as a character even here, so there is always something to compare him to.

Now, sit down and finish your chips while I finish the review.”)

Now, here’s the thing, the elephant in the room: the Joker as a character in general is not well, like I said earlier. I don’t bring up this topic to insinuate that the Joker should be presented without a mental illness of some sort because, I mean one, that would maybe be even more horrifying, and two, it just wouldn’t make sense. But when you have a character like this who is well-known in his mythos as a villain, you have to keep presenting him as such. Sure, be honest about his mental state, but make it clear that it doesn’t excuse any of his behavior.

The Joker here is applauded for being a murderer. He’s glorified for starting a violent movement he didn’t even mean to. He’s turned into a symbol for a revolution that riots and kills in the streets. By the end, the Joker is shown that he’s fully and wholly accepted for who he is, which sounds sweet and endearing until you remember all the people he murdered in the film. It’s what he always craved, but it’s disgusting to watch.

Maybe that’s the point. But didn’t the Aurora movie theatre shooter claim he was dressed as the Joker? Mm. Yeah. How do we feel about all those people who claim they relate to the Joker from this film now?

(“But wait!” I hear you say, again, “is that even true? And I’m sure that wasn’t the intention of the filmmakers!”

“First of all,” I respond, “you are correct on both counts: the quote about him comparing himself to the Joker has since been debunked. But as this article discusses, one of the parents of the victims said that “Joker, which centers on the isolated and mentally ill antihero who becomes Batman’s eventual archnemesis, is ‘like a slap in the face.'”

Regardless of intention of the filmmakers, this was a real-life event that will always be tied to the franchise. Seems a little tasteless to uphold and justify violence, especially gun violence, as the film does. Warner Bros. Can claim that it “believes that one of the functions of storytelling is to provoke difficult conversations around complex issues” as much as it wants, but at the end of the day, this character is accepted by society for murdering multiple people. Warner Bros. Made a lot of money off this film, and really? That’s what they care about. That’s all they care about.

You want more proof? Because Joker made almost $1 billion on opening weekend, there are already talks about a sequel.

So much for “provoking difficult conversations.”)

THE “PLOT TWISTS” THING

Ugh.

So, you know how media lately is doing this thing where it’s like: “plot twists that absolutely no one sees coming are more important than a plot that makes sense and characters that act the way we wrote them originally??? :D”

It’s gross, but Joker doesn’t do that. At least, I don’t think it did? Maybe? I’m still trying to figure it out.

It felt very much like the film was trying to primarily be a “character study” of sorts, which meant the character-building scenes like Fleck chasing down and then being beaten by the kids in the beginning, handing the card that explains his laughter condition to the woman in the bus, and rehearsing his appearance on the talk show all set a certain tone, and they all belonged in that tone. It’s slow and layered and filled with subtext; it says so much more in the silence than it does in the lines from the script. Most of the film is like that. Fleck dying his hair messily? Yep. Fleck dancing down the stairs in full Joker regalia? Yep. Fleck crying in his clown makeup? Mhm. It’s all very artsy, character-driven, and slow.

Which is why it felt so out of place to suddenly have scenes filled with random, out-of-nowhere plot twists. Guess what?? Fleck is actually the secret brother of BRUCE WAYNE!!! Ooooooh!! Oh–no, wait, maybe he isn’t….becAUSE HIS MOM ACTUALLY ADOPTED HIM AND SHE’S EVEN MORE INSANE THAN HE IS!!!!! Did she ever have an affair with the head of Wayne Industries??? Who cares, that’s not important. Oh ALSO–remember his girlfriend?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE ACTUALLY IMAGINED THAT ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP AND THEY’VE BARELY SPOKEN TWO SENTENCES TO EACH OTHER. WOW.

Once the plot-twist bug bit, the entire second half of the film felt like whiplash. Scenes of sudden and intense plot-development were interspersed with those calmer, character-driven silent scenes, and just when you got used to that, BAM. SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH ANOTHER PLOT TWIST. WOW.

There’s a time and place for all of that, and I think there’s way to have a largely character-study-driven film involve all of that, but it never felt consistent here. It largely felt like the director wanted you to be just as confused as Arthur Fleck was, and like I guess if that was the point then good job? But it didn’t make for an enjoyable experience, and I’m also not entirely convinced that was the point. It feels like that would take some real forethought and based off of interviews with the director, I’m not sure much of that went into this film.

THE POLITICAL ALLEGORY THING

Hooooo boy.

We live in a time of political turmoil. Them’s just the facts. This climate is echoed in Hollywood in various ways, and sometimes I think it works, aaaaand sometimes I think it doesn’t.

The thing about including a political allegory in your film is that you kinda have to make it clear which side you’re on. We live at a time when there are two very staunchly opposed sides to every argument, and if you’re not going to clearly pick one, you have to at least make the allegory obvious regardless so it actually comes across like you intended. Or maybe you had zero intentions and just wanted to make a “not-comic book movie” because ha ha, the Joker is ~cool~ and ~edgy~.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark was very clearly on one particular side, it made it clear, and del Toro has not shied away from his intention in interviews. Us was filled with so much that it was intentional for the viewer to work out all the various allegories and theories on their own. Jojo Rabbit made its point clear in probably the most blatantly obvious way possible: Hitler is literally Sparta-kicked through a window!

What constantly annoys me about Joker is that it felt like it was really trying to play around with this whole political allegory idea, but without being too obvious about it–that or it wanted to stuff so many different allegories and ideas into one plot line that the whole thing just emerged as a muddled mess.

For example–one of the topics you could say that it tackles is the lack of funding and awareness for mental health. Cool, okay…but what’s the point? What is it saying is the answer? The loss of his therapist certainly didn’t help Fleck, but it also didn’t serve as the tipping point, either. Is it meant to just be one building block? Okay, but then why spend so much time on it? Why have his therapist even be a character at all, considering she barely did anything–her whole point was to sit at a desk so that Fleck could have someone to bounce his insane ideas off of, but he could have just as easily been talking to himself, that’s how helpful she was. So is the idea that if Fleck had had access to better help for his mental state, none of this would have happened? Okay, but that wasn’t clear at all, because he still had the issue of the gun he was given, his horrendous coworkers, his total lack of social life, his idealization of a famous person….

Okay, so then maybe what the film tackles is this whole rich vs. poor narrative. After all, the rich people in this film were total assholes, right? Fleck emerged as a sort of evil Robin Hood clown to save the people! Cool, sure, except there are problems with that narrative, too: Fleck murdered people. Lots of people. Not all of them rich assholes. And are you really saying that the environment in Gotham was such that that many poor people celebrated the murder of three innocent Wall Street-esque workers? Or, is that your point, that poor people are so dangerous and soulless that they will completely relish in the murder of the rich, so much so that they will start an entire clown movement?

(Yeah, it’s not lost on me that the poor people rioters were all wearing clown masks at the end–haha, they’re all clowns for following the Joker, hilarious)

Hmmm, okay, so maybe what it’s really digging at is that mental illness is the problem, not the guns. Okay. Yeah….except, as stated in the film, Fleck has been mentally ill his whole life. He didn’t murder anyone until he got his hands on a gun.

Well, okay, maybe it didn’t intend to have any sort of political allegory at all.

That’s my best answer at this point, except there was so much scattered throughout the film that could easily be labeled AS political allegory, it doesn’t feel like an accident.

But it’s certainly not clear–it’s a mess. And it’s a damn shame, because as I’ve stated, Joaquin Phoenix did amazing work for this. Damn.

THE “ROMANCE” THING

This is a minor thing in terms of plot, but I just have to get it out there: A huge chunk of the film, we are led to believe that Fleck is carrying on a successful, steamy relationship with one of his neighbors.

One of the big “plot twists” I guess is that oh, oh wow, he imagined that entire thing??? Whaaaaaaa??? (I assume it’s supposed to be surprising because there’s an entire slow motion montage that reveals it)

But like, I assumed from the get go it had to be fake or she had to be crazy, because I’m sorry, but it’s so incredibly unbelievable that a woman living alone with her daughter, let alone a woman of color living alone with her daughter, would ask absolutely no questions about her neighbor she’s spoken to twice and maybe flirted with once showing up at her doorstep looking completely bedraggled and covered in clown makeup AND THEN HE STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HER AND SHE’S LIKE “THIS IS FINE.”

But, sure, oh wow how shocking I did not see that coming at allllllll.

THE COMIC BOOK THING

So here’s the thing about the Joker: he’s a comic book character.

Wow, I know we all knew that, but anyway.

I don’t claim to be a DC expert by any stretch of the imagination–I watch the movies sometimes, I remember watching the animated Batman series in the morning before Winx Club or something, but I don’t really follow the comics.

Still, I was curious about how “accurate” this movie was to the original lore, and, shocker, it’s not. Or, well, not…really?

Apparently, from what I can gather, the Joker doesn’t really have a “set” backstory. There’s no universal explanation for why he is the way he is, unlike Bruce Wayne (rich, parents killed in an ally, ~the batcave~, etc.). In fact, apparently he is quoted saying in The Killing Joke (apparently a controversial graphic novel version of a potential origin story for the Joker) “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another…if I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!”

Which, sure, that’s funky and interesting for one of the most iconic villains of all time. I can get down with it. And in that spirit of things, really any attempt at an “origin story” for the Joker can have almost entirely free reign, can’t it?

Every quote I’ve seen from the charming director of this film has had the same spirit of “I didn’t actually want to make a comic book movie, I didn’t bother reading anything about the character, hahah I guess that will make people mad oh well” (he must be suuuuper fun at parties). There are two interesting things about this mindset:

1. THE JOKER IS LITERALLY A COMIC BOOK VILLAIN??

You literally cannot make a movie about a villain, from comic books, without it being a comic book movie?? Sure you can take out the DC logo and make it all “dark and broody and dramatic and character-driven” BUT HE’S STILL A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

If you want to make some sort of dramatic character study story about someone dealing with mental illness that focuses on classism and violence and whatever else but you don’t want it to be a “comic book movie” MAKE YOUR OWN ORIGINAL STORY THEN?? Clearly you have ideas so use that?? Do you not trust that your own ideas would get you very far? RIP to you I guess???

2. Joke’s on you (pun intended) because you literally STILL made a comic book movie

Despite the insistence that no attention was paid to the lore of Gotham or Batman or whatever, there’s a whole lot in here. The Joker, once stepping into that role by the end, looks exactly like you expect from the comics, there are no changes. There is still a huge point made to show Bruce Wayne’s own origin story. Still set in Gotham. It’s a dark tale, certainly, but it doesn’t stray far enough from the lore to be considered “not a comic book movie.” It is. Through and through.

Oops?

THE “STORY” THING

Despite the amazing cinnamontography and the incredible work done by Joaquin Phoenix, I still left the theatre feeling like I’d wasted a good couple hours of my life.

Here’s the thing about an origin story for a well-known character: the ending is spoiled from the get-go. We don’t go to these movies wondering how it will end, because we know. We go because the how is so much more powerful. We go to see what changed in Tony Stark’s life to lead him to fight the very weapons he grew up endorsing. We go to see what exactly made Wonder Woman defend humanity when she started out knowing so little about it. We go to see (hopefully) what simultaneously made and broke Black Widow.

We go in already knowing a big chunk of the story, but we don’t have the full picture. We want it, though, because we want answers. We want to know why someone behaves the way they do. We can guess, sure, but it’s so much more satisfying when there’s an explanation set in stone, especially one with twists that may be surprising but ultimately make sense in the end.

I don’t know what I was hoping for from Joker, but it felt ultimately like a letdown. It was like they looked at the character, thought “okay, so we have to explain this”, and then promptly took the easiest route. Why is the Joker insane? Because #mentalillness. That’s it.

Obviously the Joker has some kind of mental illness, something is clearly not right, but we never learn exactly what that is from this film. The whole thing felt like a cop-out, because it was predictable from the get go. Of course he gets fired from his shitty job. Of course the talk show host makes fun of him. Obviously he’s imagining the romance. No duh he starts killing people with the gun he was given.

The one moment of the story that felt fresh was the idea that the Joker and Batman were actually BROTHERS. But they couldn’t even let us have that because soon it was revealed that oh, no, that’s a lie actually, all made up by Fleck’s also-insane mother. How is he gonna handle this?? He kills her, obviously. Duh.

I wouldn’t even be as bothered by the cop-out if it didn’t also feel like the film was trying to make some bigger statement about…something. But what? What exactly is the commentary on society??

As mentioned before, if the commentary is meant to be classism, it doesn’t do this effectively because our main character is imprinted in our brains as a villain. You can say it’s not a comic book movie, but he is a comic book character. He’s a comic book villain. So are we supposed to root for the poor people? The ones he represents? The ones who cheer for him murdering people on live TV? Or are we supposed to cheer for the rich, the ones who get slaughtered mercilessly? But they were mostly assholes throughout the entire film??

If your goal is to make some sort of classism commentary, in our society, you have to pick a side. If your goal is to present the rich as the villains, then you have to make your comic book villain one of them.

Think of all the rich asshats in power right now. Think of the things they say and get away with. It’s confusing and frustrating and all we can think is that something has to be wrong with them, right?

Imagine, if you will, a Joker origin story where the Joker is a well-off rich kid. Something is still wrong with him, because, you know, it’s the Joker, but he’s rich, so he always gets away with things. He has easy access to weapons because he has money. He dresses as a clown and no one questions it because he has money. In fact, people applaud him as a “self-made man” because of it. Sure he shoots people on live TV, but what about those rioters in the streets protesting him?? How DARE they???

If the Joker doesn’t even know his own origin story, that’s a route you can take with it, isn’t it?

“But doesn’t it make Batman and Joker’s rivalry less powerful since they’re both rich now?” Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this “wasn’t a comic book movie” so why are we even asking about Batman? But if we are, wouldn’t it just frustrate Joker even more if Batman was just as rich as he but actually liked by people? Wouldn’t it encourage us even more if there was a rich guy who WASN’T an asshat?

“But how would I relate to the Joker then??” Uh, please don’t?

“But…but the lore!” If someone who doesn’t care at all for the lore can make a movie like this, so can I.

“Okay fine so just make your own movie then!!” Okay.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

If you can separate the acting and the cinnamontography from the awful and confusing story, then sure.

Otherwise, skip it. I have yet to hear or read a convincing argument in favor of this movie. We all have different tastes, sure, I acknowledge that. I genuinely think I may have enjoyed this more if it wasn’t a Joker movie. Or if it was a Joker movie that actually added anything to the lore.

But I swear if this gets Oscar-picked over Us, Knives Out, and Booksmart, I will organize clown riots in the streets.

But nothing matters except for money, so it will win awards. And there will be sequels. And lots of people talking about how “dark” and “risky” and “impressive” they all are. Yaaaaaaay.

(EDIT: published without posting the rATING THAT’S THE BEST PART WHY AM I LIKE THIS)

All in all, I give Joker…

1/5 UNIMPRESSED CLOWNS!!

FAVORITE MOMENT

Either the opening with Fleck putting on his clown makeup and faking a smile while a tear rolled down because wow, why wasn’t the whole movie like that, or when Fleck sneaks into his neighbor’s apartment and it’s revealed by her reaction that he’s imagined their entire relationship. It was the one moment that was actually believable. Also, he didn’t kill her, so yay.

“OOF” MOMENT

Everything else, really.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Perhaps none of these, really, but let’s talk about them.

I guess it should have been a red flag that basically all of the trailers felt like they were for complete and total male power fantasies, but I’m a hopeful person.

Tenet is the next Christopher Nolan thing, so I’m actually slightly hopeful. Not incredibly, but at least slightly.

Ford v Ferrari is bound to be the next male-led, safe-topic, unoriginal Oscar winner, so while I likely won’t be seeing it anytime soon, I’m sure I’ll have to talk about it eventually. Cars fast.

Jumanji: The Next Level has the potential to be either really good, or really meh.

If I have to see one more trailer for 1917, I may riot. It’s another glory-war movie that will win all the sound design awards for some reason–because ooOoOOOOoooh, wAr.

While I have no real desire to see Uncut Gems, I will say that it actually looks kind of fascinating idea-wise. I mean, good on Sandler for bringing some goofiness to a rather serious-looking role and have it…work?

What is The Gentlemen. Why is it happening. It’s all guns and gangs and violence but it’s okay they all have well-pressed suits and have beautiful women on their arms, therefore it’s “gentlemanly.” Talk about a male power fantasy?? ALSO MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY AND COLIN FARRELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE. STOP IT. NO.

Well, that does it for this review! Next we’ll be touching on some other flicks I’m late on, like Last Christmas (crying), Frozen 2 (more crying), Jojo Rabbit (SO MUCH CRYING), and Knives Out (wowowowowowow).

Look, if you like Joker, that’s fine. We probably won’t be best friends anytime soon, but who knows if we’d even want to be. I don’t know you, I don’t know your life.

I mean maybe you also really liked Alita: Battle Angel in which case I really don’t think we’d be friends, so…

MINIVIEWS TAKE TWO

I think somewhere along the line I swore to myself that I’d never let it get to the point where I do a bunch of miniviews again but…here we are.

Same rules as last time: I will discuss my main thoughts on the film, choose a standout element, say whether or not I think you should see it, and rate it. And then I’ll make some cute promise about not doing this again. 🌝

(This time I blame real life and also the release of Luigi’s Mansion 3. HAVE Y’ALL PLAYED THAT YET IT’S SO GOOOOOOOOD)

Lessgoooooooooo:

MINIVIEW 1: DORA AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD

MY THOUGHTS:

I can honestly say that I never thought in the year of our lord 2019 I would be writing about a movie that is a live-action adaptation of Dora: The Explorer and be saying that it’s…really, really good.

I mean like even the trailers had me like “wow that looks…decent??” And uh…it was???

But more than that, the movie is, as I like to say, a damn good time. If you grew up with the TV show like I did, it’s such a funky little love letter to everything we loved and hated about the show. My poor parents knew like nothing about it and I may or may not have made them a presentation on Dora basics so they knew what they were signing up for by going with me to see this.

It’s genuinely so much fun–it has great characters, a pLot TWisT, a lovely story, JUNGLE PUZZLES!!!, and even a really cool moral. It knew exactly how ridiculous it was and just ROLLED WITH IT.

I mean y’all someone literally made a movie of that College Humor skit from YEARS AGO…AND IT WAS GREAT.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

Y’ALL DORA LITERALLY USED A YO-YO AS A WEAPON I–

I started learning yo-yo tricks this year (or as we in the in-crowd say, I started “throwing” this year) and I keep trying to tell people that a yo-yo could be a seriously good weapon, I mean do you know how many times I’ve whacked myself this thing is a hazard??

AND SHE LITERALLY USED IT AS A WEAPON I CANNOT–

Also I loved whenever Dora spoke to the camera or whenever she talked to people like “Hi! I’m Dora!” Like she’s a ray of sunshine and I love her.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

PLEASE DO. It’s just so much fun. Also–a Latinx-led cast!

Also stay tuned for my essay on how Dora and Alita went through very similar character arcs in their respective films but Dora’s actually worked and developed her character more and she’s literally DORA THE EXPLORER–

Haha just kidding.

…unless? 🌝

All in all, I give Dora and the Lost City of Gold…

5/5 DEADLY WEAPON YO-YOS!!

MINIVIEW 2: BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

MY THOUGHTS:

Lemme preface this by saying that Bend It Like Beckham is one of my favorite movies of all time, and the same people worked on this movie, so I was already really excited about it.

And like, I was not disappointed at all.

This movie is a delight from start to finish. The characters are lovable and well-rounded and the story is just so fun and heartwarming. There’s a little bit of drama, a little bit of romance, a lotta friendship, a lotta Bruce Springsteen music, and a whole lot of family love. There’s kinda something for everyone in this movie.

(I mean hey, if you’re a blood-and-gore action fan, there’s even a protest that interferes with a wedding party and someone gets injured and you see the blood, so–yay there you go I guess!)

My biggest complaint is the girlfriend character. Don’t get me wrong, she’s super cute and a delight, but at least in my view, her whole character was just: Girlfriend. That’s it. What music does she like? We don’t know. Her family? We don’t know. Favorite color?? WE DON’T KNOW.

Granted, she’s not the main focus at all, but they spent a whole lot of time developing our leading man, his ex-best friend and his new best friend, so like…if they all get development…….can my girl get some development too……..

I mean it’s like you could switch out her and Alita and neither of their movies would change very much….I’m just sayin…….🌚

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

By far the incorporation of Springsteen’s music. Just like you saw in the trailer, they had the lyrics appear onscreen in real time and it was such a fun little thing to do–I mean don’t we all feel a little like that when listening to music??

No???? Just me???????? Cool.

Also that whole scene where they takeover the radio booth at school and then dance around the streets and go crazy? So fun to watch.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Generally? Yes. And I’m speaking as someone who knew absolutely none of the songs used in the film. So if you’re worried about that, please know that you’ll still really enjoy it.

But I also know that this is my type of movie…it’s a character drama about relationships and the power they can have in our lives (also, music) and I ABSOLUTELY eat that shit up. If it’s not your kind of thing, you probably won’t like this movie.

But if you’re home one night and just want a feel-good drama with some great tunes, I definitely recommend you check this movie out.

All in all, I give Blinded by the Light…

4/5 CASSETTE TAPES!!!

MINIVIEW 3: DOWNTON ABBEY

MY THOUGHTS:

*sniff* SO THE ROYAL SERVANTS ARE MEAN AND ANNA AND BATES WORK TOGETHER AND THEY’RE HAPPY FOR ONCE *sob* AND CARSON COMES BACK BECAUSE MARY NEEDS HIM *deep inhale* AND THOMAS OH GOD MY SWEET BABY THOMAS IS HAPPY *long sniff* AND THE SCENE WITH MARY AND MAGGIE SMITH AT THE BALL OH GOD–*all-out-crying*

Uh so yeah it was okay.

I think what I really, really loved about this was that it never tried to be anything more but an elongated episode of the tv show. Like it didn’t try to be anything that would draw in a different audience because it trusted that all of us would be absolute SUCKERS and come back for these dorks AND IT WAS RIIIIIIIIIIGHT WE ALL FELL FOR IT DAMMIT.

I’m not mad about it though tbh like it was fantastic. I didn’t even get fully caught up on the show and I STILL loved it. I feel like every character had a good arc and had their moment to shine, and it was all interwoven in a really lovely way.

I’m bitter that everyone was so quick to accuse Branson about being a political problem again but that’s because he’s my favorite (also can we all collectively mourn the fact that Branson and Mary never got together I just–) but anyway, I digress.

It was so heartwarming and fulfilling and such a lovely, sweet farewell to these amazing characters that captivated me for years and years. I will miss them all so much but I adore where their story ended.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

THOMAS’S ENTIRE STORYLINE I’M GONNA CRYYYYYYYY

Thomas has always been such a fascinating character and now he got a really good, happy plot and I’m so happy for him?? It was heartbreaking watching him try to “fix” himself near the end of the show and now he’s out here kissing cute boys in the kitchen??? What an icon. I love him.

Also again, Maggie Smith’s final scene at the ball with Mary was absolutely heartbreaking in the best way possible. It was so sweet watching those two connect in such a vulnerable way I’m GONNA CRY AGAIN.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Please do absolutely if you are a Downton fan. Please please please. If you aren’t a Downton fan, first of all what are you doing with your life, secondly yeah, okay, maybe this movie isn’t for you.

It’s still good though.

Better female character development than some other movies I could and will mention ruthlessly *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*.

All in all, I give Downton Abbey…..

4.5/5 CRYING BOWTIES!!!!!

MINIVIEW 4: THE GOLDFINCH

MY THOUGHTS:

So like, I know this book was a really big thing for a while but uh, I never read it. I don’t know why, I think I was just solely in my YA dystopian fiction phase when it came out and I was just like…meh.

(Tbh I’m still in that phase but it’s more out of spite now because I will defend YA dystopian fiction till my last breath thanks)

So I guess the main thing I’ll say is that wow seeing the movie made me really, really want to read the book.

Overall, the movie is beautifully shot and acted, and wow Ansel Elgort does an amazing, amazing job. I love him in basically anything but that’s beside the point.

Actually like all the acting? Really wonderful.

It’s an interesting, really gritty tale, and I was a little surprised by how much I did like it. But like…I dunno if I would watch it again? At least not until I read the book. Because like, the movie was good. But it just makes me wonder if the book is fantastic.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

Oh the cinnamontography for sure. That entire scene where our main boy wakes up in the gallery after the bomb is stunning and super eerie and beautifully done.

Also–it’s super gay, y’all. I genuinely don’t care what they’ve said in interviews, it’s gay. That kiss was not platonic. That forehead touch was not platonic. THEY ARE NOT PLATONIC. If you watched that and said “wow, that’s just like me and my friends!” BOY DO I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

Also Nicole Kidman is the light of my life, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

I mean…maybe?? Again, I really really liked it, I just think the book might be better and maybe we should all go read that instead I’m just saying…….

But, if you were on the fence about it or think you do want to see it, I absolutely think you should because it is really good. Also like, I cannot get over how much I thought they were going to end on a really depressing note and I was about to be SO MAD and then WOW that sudden plot-twist turn-around in the last 10 minutes or so was iconic. So that’s another thing: if you’re worried about a depressing ending, it isn’t.

Also I mean if for some reason you’re like “wow my only two options for movies tonight are The Goldfinch and Alita: Battle Angel…” watch The Goldfinch.

All in all, I give The Goldfinch…

3.5/5 PUDGY LITTLE GOLDFINCHES!!!

MINIVIEW 5: THE ADDAMS FAMILY (2019)

MY THOUGHTS:

If you saw the trailers for this and you, like me, were like “oh boy I hope that’s actually good!” DO I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU BECAUSE YES. YES IT IS.

It is absolutely a fun family flick about the best family in the world, and I want to watch it again purely to be able to catch all the dorky little details they threw in because there are so many. You can tell they had so much fun making this and I’m glad, because I had a lot of fun watching it. The animation is a delight, the voice-acting is incredible, THE REMIX OF THE THEME SONG IS ACTUALLY REALLY CUTE, and the message about family and accepting who you really are and how being different is a good thing is super sweet.

So many of the characters had a really fascinating arc and it was fun to watch how those arcs were mirrored in some of the new original characters. Also YOU GET TO SEE MORTICIA AND GOMEZ’S WEDDING AND IT’S RIDICULOUS AND AMAZINGGGG

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

So fun fact: apparently all the character designs for this movie were based on the ORIGINAL designs from the ORIGINAL COMIC STRIP. YEAH. I didn’t even know that there was a comic strip before there was a TV show?? But there is! And the movie designs really look like the comic designs just walked off the page, it’s kind of really impressive.

Also Snoop Dogg voices Cousin Itt I–

ALSO the end credits are shot like the TV opening and the ENTIRE AUDIENCE DID THE SNAPS WHEN IT HAPPENED.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Honestly, yeah. I mean if you’re already kind of an Addams fan, I recommend going to see it. It’s super heartfelt and very sweet and fun.

If you just like quirky movies, yes.

If you want a whole lotta bloodshed I mean…uhhhh I’m sure there’s blood somewhere I forgot, I mean, it’s the Addams family.

All in all, I give The Addams Family…

4.5/5 BOMBS!!!

(I was gonna do swords because that’s a big thing but I realized that bombs works much better in honor of Puggsley and his whole character arc about being true to himself. It makes sense, I swear.)

TRAILERS WE HAVEN’T DISCUSSED YET: (I THINK…SOMETIMES I DON’T TOTALLY REMEMBER TBH OH WELL)

Crash course trailers HERE WE GOOOOO

Arctic Dogs is….a movie. That’s uh…really all I can say about this one.

Charlie’s Angels looks super good and I really hope it is good and I cannot WAIT to see itttttt

Last Christmas is a movie I have seen already and BOY are we gonna talk about that one. After I stop crying.

Brittany Runs a Marathon looks like it could be really decent. Or really preachy. Or both.

Ford v Ferrari looks like a real Oscar-bait of a movie but maybe it’s actually good. I dunno. I have such mixed feelings about racing because like I mean eh, also it’s really dangerous, but on the other hand….FAST CARS COOL.

Harriet looks beyond absolutely incredible.

Dark Waters looks so, so good and amazing. Mark Ruffalo is already the love of my life and this story looks incredible. I’m real excited.

Western Stars looks really sweet and uh…yeah.

Just Mercy looks…wow. I have a feeling it does not end happily at all but it looks incredible.

Doctor Sleep…okay look. I love Ewan MacGregor. I would do almost anything for him. EXCEPT see a Stephen King horror movie I will not do that for him I’m sorry Ewan.

Jojo Rabbit looks FANTASTIC and I’m SO EXCITED to see it I am adding Taika Waititi to the list of movie makers who own my soul thanks.

And that does it for the Miniviews!! I really enjoyed this batch of films. This will be in stark contrast to my next planned review because…well I saw Joker. And uh…yeah we’ll get to that.

The Lion King (2019) REVIEW

Alright it is time for Disney live-action remake numberrrr…a lot.

A couple weeks ago (Actually by now it was a lot of weeks ago, like, months ago…THANKS, REAL LIFE), I took myself to the movies and saw The Lion King!

Listen–I have a plethora of feelings about all these remakes, okay? On the one hand, there is a whole assortment of movies that I think would make great live-action remakes, and then there are the most profitable ones. For example–live-action remake of Atlantis: The Lost Empire? Iconic. Amazing. Please stop ignoring my baby Atlantis. Instead, we’re getting a lot of princess movies because everyone loves princesses (KIDA IS ALSO A PRINCESS YOU IMBECILES I’m fine) and now we’re getting Big Cats.

I feel like no one really knew how to handle this when it was announced. I mean, on the one hand…why? This is unnecessary? On the other hand…

But we’ll get into details later. For now, let’s start with the basics:

THE PLOT

For any Lion King or Shakespeare newbies, let’s discuss.

We start with all the animals in Pride Lands going to Pride Rock to see the…crowning? Christening? Announcing? Of the new baby lion king, Simba. Simba is tiny and adorable and pure. I sure hope nothing happens to destroy that innocence of his!

We are introduced to a whole slough of key characters: Zazu, the king’s assistant or something (played blessedly by John Oliver); Mufasa, the lion king himself; Sarabi, the lion queen (if you ignore actual lion biology and behaviors); Scar, Mufasa’s brother and perpetually bitter about not being lion king; Rafiki, spiritual monkey dude who doesn’t say much; Nala, apparently Simba’s intended and a general sweetheart; and of course, Simba, the little lion prince himself.

Scar, having no soul I guess, is determined to get rid of Simba and Mufasa so he can be king (if you know the plot of Hamlet, you know where this is going), so he hatches a plan to lure Simba to the dreaded Elephant Graveyard so that he can become hyena chow. Simba and Nala take the bait because…well, plot, and they sing a song in order to get rid of Zazu and head to the Elephant Graveyard.

Once there, they do indeed almost become hyena chow, but Mufasa himself shows up (alerted by Zazu) and he saves the two little punks. Mufasa and Simba have a Conversation about responsibility or whatever, and then they talk about the kings of the past living on in the stars (this will be important later).

It is revealed that Scar is in league with the hyenas (and everyone pretended to be shocked) and he promises them actual status in the Pride Lands once he gets rid of Mufasa and Simba and becomes king. The hyenas are skeptical until Scar sings a really, really watered-down version of the classic villain song “Be Prepared,” and Scar hatches a new plan.

He leaves Simba down in a ravine to practice his roar, telling him this is what all future kings do. He then has the hyenas initiate a stampede. Scar runs to retrieve Mufasa, who of course leaps down into the stampede to save his son. Mufasa manages to get Simba to a safe location on the side of the steep cliffs, but struggles to climb back up on his own (why did he not also just wait it out like Simba instead of trying to get back to the top? BECAUSE PLOT). Simba doesn’t see this, but when Mufasa reaches the top, Scar actually shoves him back down into the stampede.

Everyone’s favorite heartbreaking moment happens as Simba finds his dad’s body and asks him to please wake up. Scar confronts Simba and tells him to run far away and never return (since he totally killed the king and all). Simba totally believes him because PLOT and runs away. Scar takes over the Pride Lands. The hyenas overhunt. Simba is found by Timon and Pumbaa and raised without a care in the world far away from the troubles of the Pride Lands and his past.

Until one sunny day when Nala comes stumbling into the oasis and tells Simba he has to go back to confront his uncle and take his rightful place as king. But Simba can’t go back and face everything that happened…can he?

THE REVIEW

So here’s the thing: I liked it. I really did.

Is it unnecessary? I mean…kinda, yeah.

We’ll get into this more in detail below, but the basic fact is that there is a lot to discuss when it comes to these remakes. Are they necessary? Is it a requirement that they add anything new? Should they stay completely faithful to the original source material? Does this story even work in this new medium? Why are we continuing to be okay with Disney owning our souls? So on and so forth.

Regardless of all of this, the fact remains that when the sunrise began onscreen and the first notes of “The Circle of Life” started playing, I was damn excited.

Were there things I was unhappy with? For sure.

Were there things I totally loved and appreciated? Absolutely.

I guess what I need to do is create a new category for movies like this: will they win any awards? Not necessarily. Do they contribute anything on a larger scale? Not necessarily. Do they make the audience ponder something, or think and discuss it afterwards? Not necessarily.

Is it a damn good time?

ABSOLUTELY.

Spoiler alert ahead! (If you somehow don’t know The Lion King…or Hamlet)

THE MUSIC

Listen. It’s Lion King. It’s my boy Hans Zimmer. The music is fanTASTIC.

I’m fully up to arguing about it with you but you’re not likely to change my mind tbh.

Spotify made a playlist with all the music from the new movie specifically, if you’re interested, so go check it out!

Like I briefly mentioned above, my one little…problem, I guess, is the changes specifically made to “Be Prepared.” That song is such an iconic villain theme, and it’s just not present in all its glory here.

(Also like…fam…Beyoncé.)

THE CHARACTERS

I feel like any large change in major characters was due more to the animation choices when it comes to facial expressions rather than anything else related to actual character…like, Simba wasn’t as emotional? Y’all, his face barely moved in this version. I’m sure he still felt things.

…Probably.

Zazu has always been memorable, of course, but I would like to thank and also sell my soul to whatever stars aligned to allow us to have John Oliver as Zazu. I am not even exaggerating. To some degree, he almost feels out of place since he’s everyone’s favorite comedian in a surprisingly serious Disney movie (more on the tone later) and maybe I’m biased as a huge John Oliver stan, but…I don’t care, y’all. He was fantastic. It is disappointing to me that we didn’t get to hear him sing snippets of “It’s a Small World” and “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” (is that the name of the song? It is now), but again…more on the tone later.

In the complete opposite corner, we have Scar. Scar is…a character. I feel like the biggest change for him comes in the form of being angrier. Original Scar felt like he dealt with his issues by covering it up with sarcasm and witty retorts–he was still the villain, but he knew he was more cunning than he was physically strong. This Scar, while certainly still cunning, doesn’t cover up any of his issues or insecurities with humor. This Scar has allowed everything that happened to him to harden him as an individual, so while he’s certainly a villain, he’s a lot less fun than the original.

Rafiki’s change was…fascinating. But I’ll get into that later.

Many of the other characters didn’t change much (with the exception of less facial expressions, of course). Timon and Puumba are voiced by different comedians, so their whole thing is slightly different, but the same idea is there.

Overall, the characters weren’t that different comparatively. So what did change?

THE COLOR

As much as watching the original is painful because nothing will ever be okay when Simba is asking Mufasa to wake up (and now I’m crying), the overall tone of the original was just…playful.

It was a serious story, for sure, but it was tempered with fun all throughout. The colors are bright and boisterous. The self-aware jokes abound. Yet it still sells itself as perfectly serious when it needs to be.

So how does that work?

Well, if you’ll allow me to dive way too deep into a kids’ movie (as I adore doing)…the movie begins with bright colors and a cheery mood. It’s still a realistic palette, because it’s “reality,” but it’s warm and cheery, just like Simba’s life at the start. Then, during “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King,” the colors explode in an unrealistic fashion to match the song and the choreography where animals do things they normally can’t. This is a stark contrast to the Elephant Graveyard that immediately follows, full of grays and purples. There is danger here, a realistic danger, not like the fantasy world Simba had just come from. Scar’s fantastic villain song, “Be Prepared,” is all greens and blacks, shadows and eeriness. Like many of the other songs, the colors shift to be just a little unnatural, but it’s still not as out there as Simba’s song. Anyway, the colors shift again during the stampede and following it. The warm colors from the beginning are suddenly too bright and harsh, and it frames Simba’s exile well. Then, when Simba meets Timone and Puumba, the bright colors from “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” return because essentially, Simba has found his fantasy world again. The bright, somewhat unnatural colors of paradise are a perfect setting for “Can You Feel the Love Tonight,” and it’s a perfect contrast to the wasteland the Pridelands have become. Simba’s conversation with Rafiki about his destiny and his dad are all the cool, toned-down colors of night. The battle between Simba and Scar is fiery, so the palette returns to those unnatural warm colors from the stampede scene. Once Scar is defeated, it rains, and the harsh warm colors from both the battle and the memories of Mufasa’s death wash away to return to the cool palette of night that we saw when Simba talked with Rafiki. It ends where it began–the colors are a realistic, gentle palette again as Simba’s daughter is introduced to the world, and the circle of life continues.

Clearly, I could talk about color theory forever. And I will. One of the endlessly beautiful things about the Disney renaissance films especially is their stunning use of color, and it’s used so gorgeously in The Lion King.

When you adapt an animated film to live action, you naturally lose that use of color. Animation is a medium that excels in the use of color, but live action doesn’t have that, and that’s just a fact. You can make up for it somewhat in settings, framings, and especially in costumes, but it won’t ever be quite the same as the entire screen exploding with color like you see in the animated films.

I think it’s why the live action Cinderella and Aladdin work for me a little more than the live action Beauty and the Beast and, yes, The Lion King. The characters from Cinderella and Aladdin, while played by “live action people” (I can’t say “real” people because voice actors are real people, too, I promise), are still set in a fantastical world that wasn’t established to be grounded in reality. Cinderella takes place in a kingdom, sure, but where? When? We’re never told. We don’t have to know. Because of that, they can get away with more color. The green of the leaves and the forest can be just a little too bright. The gold of the palace can be just a little too shiny. The garish colors of the ball gowns can be just a little too, well, garish. It’s fantastical and it fits. It’s the same thing with Aladdin–it has a general overall setting, but it’s never fully grounded in time or place, so everything can be just a little too enchanting.

Beauty and the Beast, on the other hand, tethers itself to a specific location (France) and a specific time period (late 18th century). That immediately limits what you can do because the audience expects some sort of reality amidst the fairy tale. It can work, of course, but it just takes some of the magic of the animation away–there’s no way around it. The costumes and the hair and the setting have to be specific to the time period and location you’ve established–you’ve immediately limited yourself.

The live action Alice in Wonderland, hated as it is (why are people so angry at movies all the time?), I think is a good example of this because the creative minds behind it used the plot point of a magical world to still give us all that over-the-top fun from the animation while still grounding it in reality. It’s a fun trick, because you as the audience, like Alice, can never be sure if you were dreaming or not. Alice’s reality is boring and bleached of anything remotely fun, but when she enters her dream world, the colors explode, characters behave like they are animated, and even when she returns to her reality, everything looks just slightly more magical.

I think there’s a way you could have done something similar with The Lion King, but despite the fact that this is a live action animated film (I mean it’s technically CG so we can’t even call it live action I guess?), it feels like everyone was so focused in grounding things in reality. It’s a movie about talking lions, but heaven forbid they show facial expressions. The colors are toned down to, I suppose, recreate reality, but I think the movie suffers for it. The fiery battle with Scar at the end followed by the rain still happens, but the brilliant color scheme is lost–sacrificed for the sake of reality.

In some ways, I think the movie did a good job with this. “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” is no longer an over-the-top fantasy sequence where animals dance and sing with Simba, but a boisterous romp through the watering hole. Simba and Nala turn the whole situation into their own sort of jungle gym as they weave in and out of animals to escape from Zazu’s watching eyes. I think the scene is beautiful and fun, even if it is drastically different from the original.

In others, I think they really missed out. The rather lackluster “Be Prepared” has no element of playful fun to it at all, unlike the original. It’s purely dark–both in tone and in the colors onscreen. It’s unsettling, sure, but that’s about it. We already know that Scar hates Mufasa and is jealous of him, but establishing that is about all this scene does in this version. In the original, “Be Prepared” was fun. It was still a villain song, but it established how cunning and dangerous Scar really was. All we’d seen of him up to that point was how lazy and disenchanted he was–“Be Prepared” was where we first got the hint that something far, far bigger was going on underneath the sarcastic surface.

This ties into part two of the big change, which like I mentioned above, is:

THE TONE

I think one thing I’ve always loved about the original film is that I knew I was in for a good time. Some scenes are devastating to watch, this is true, but above all else, the animated movie always held a tone of whimsy and fun. The point was to be an enjoyable, beautiful story. With talking animals. Comedic relief abounded, and good thing, too, because…it’s pretty dark if you think about it too much.

I feel like the change in tone is most evident when it comes to a couple specific characters.

1. SCAR

Poor, sweet, beautiful Scar…what did they DO to your villain anthem??

I think how I would best describe animated Scar is that he’s an enjoyable villain. Many of the Disney renaissance villains are ones I would categorize as such–Scar, Hades (though I guess Hades isn’t technically renaissance because Hercules technically isn’t but he’s one of my favorite so he stays haHA), Ursula…you get the idea. We kind of love to hate them. They’re terrible people for sure, but look at their designs!! Their songs!! Their memorable quips!! They’re all such a perfect balance of fun while also being absolutely awful. They’re fun to watch but you wouldn’t necessarily want to deal with them yourself–and always without fail their humorous moments are tempered beautifully by their horrific actions. Ursula’s all good fun until she steals Ariel’s voice and uses it to steal her prince (#rude). Hades is relatable AF, but we don’t love him for laughing about Meg’s death and releasing the titans to destroy everything. Scar is the funky distraught uncle until he straight-up murders his brother and convinces a CHILD that it was his own fault and should be banished.

Along with the loss of vibrant color theory play, this enjoyable villain thing is something I feel like the live-action remakes have generally missed. Like a lot. I would argue that Cate Blanchett’s delightful stepmother in Cinderella is the closest they’ve come–she’s classy and delightful to watch, but you’re furious with her for smashing the glass slipper and scheming the way she does. Is she the absolutely horrifying Lady Tremaine of the shadows from the animated version? No, but she’s still good. On the other hand, you have Jafar from the live-action Aladdin, who was just…he was just pure villain. You at least got the impression in the animated movie that Jafar at least had fun every now and then (also Iago? I love him), but this live-action Jafar was just dark and evil and cruel through and through. He wasn’t as interesting that way, just…dark.

This, unfortunately, carries over to Scar in this version of The Lion King. Scar used to be sarcastic, overly dramatic, and delightfully snarky. He was clearly outmatched physically with Mufasa, so he made up for it with a quick wit and dramatic schemes. This new Scar is just like the new Jafar–any semblance of fun or enjoyment has been torn away from him, and what we’re left with is a bitter, angry character with no redeeming qualities.

Interestingly, the 2D animated Scar felt like much more of a well-rounded, three-dimensional character than the one we got in the live-action film. He’s still Scar, he still goes through all the motions, but without any of the heart or fun.

2. THE HYENAS

I group the hyenas together, but there is a disclaimer here–my main issue is with how they changed Shenzi.

Of the three main hyenas of the original story, Shenzi has always been the more competent, but like Scar, she still had an element of fun to her. She was goofy and ridiculous, and she messed up a lot. This, I think, made everything so much more meaningful when she led the final charge against Scar at the end. She finally stood up to him and showed she was plenty smart and cunning, thank you.

The Shenzi we got in the live-action film is still interesting, sure, but also like the new Scar, she’s so much darker. She was even more of a goofball than Scar in the animated film, and here, she’s even more evil. She’s much more silent and reserved–I don’t even remember if she still leads the charge against Scar because it doesn’t mean as much. Her character change here made her much more of a chained-up dog waiting to pounce than she used to be. Scar’s hold on her was a lot more tentative here, which means the surprise of her attacking him (if that even did happen) was lost–you expect it throughout the entire movie.

The other two hyenas are still a sort of comic relief, but not in the same way. This movie is so much more serious than the animated version, so any sort of attempt at comic relief honestly feels a little flat. The two somewhat silly hyenas seem very out of place now, where before they used to fit the puzzle perfectly.

3. RAFIKI

I love puppets. Like, a lot.

I promise this is related.

When I was a relatively new theatre-nut as a kid, my parents and I were able to go see the stage version of The Lion King, which is kind of famous in the theatre world for being a full-length musical done with a whole lotta gorgeous, stylized puppets (this was before Avenue Q, okay?…I think)

Now Rafiki in the stage show is one of the few non-puppets, and Rafiki is also typically played by a woman. Rafiki sings one of my favorite musical theater songs ever (“He Lives in You (Reprise)”) and is just generally wonderful. This is a delightful new take on a character I already enjoyed for being a complete mystical goofball in the original animated movie.

So yeah, I got a little bit of a soft spot for Rafiki. I generally don’t like monkeys, but Rafiki is the one exception for me.

I was excited to see what they’d do with Rafiki in the live-action adaptation. Would he be as much of a goofball as I remembered? Would they pull some sort of inspiration from the stage show and have Rafiki be played by a woman? Would Rafiki sing my favorite song????

The answer is uh…none of the above. I realize it’s been a few weeks (months) since I’ve seen the movie at this point, but uh…Rafiki didn’t do anything in this movie, y’all.

Not only did he barely appear, but I genuinely don’t think Rafiki said a single damn word.

This was such a weird change for me because I cannot for the life of me understand why this change was made. They kept in the classic scenes of Rafiki holding Simba the cub up on Pride Rock, him drawing baby Simba and then crossing him out when he’s presumed dead and gone, so on and so forth. I think he fights at the end?

One of my favorite scenes from the animated movie is when Rafiki speaks with Simba when he’s at his lowest. It’s why I like “He Lives in You (Reprise).” Rafiki shows Simba that Mufasa is alive–in him. He doesn’t tell it to him outright, but he helps him realize it in possibly the most vague and frustrating way imaginable. And isn’t that how life is?

Rafiki, Shenzi, and Scar are characters who, while they are definitely more than that, are silly. They’re comedic as well as crucial. They add to the animated film’s tone of lightness when it’s needed–and enhance it to be even more. The live-action movie took all of that away from them, and it’s a real shame.

The live-action movie, for some reason, decided it needed to take the more serious elements of the original film and enhance them by about a billion, and these characters prove that. Any element of fun was stripped from them and replaced with something else (or nothing else, in Rafiki’s case). Is it bad? Not necessarily. With the exception of Rafiki, I still think it’s executed well. It’s just…different. Unfortunate, if you know the source material, but not necessarily bad.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Listen, if you expect something groundbreaking and breathtaking and the best thing in the world like…Black Panther, this movie ain’t it, chief.

On the other hand, it’s also not something confusing, disappointing, but still visually appealing, like…*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

This movie, like The Meg, Late Night, and arguably Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, is just a damn good time. Maybe it doesn’t add anything new or say anything incredibly profound and life-changing, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.

And who knows, maybe some people did get something new and profound and amazing out of this film–and that’s awesome!

For me, I don’t think it necessarily adds anything to the original animated story (unlike Cinderella and Aladdin and I guess Maleficent? I always forget that’s technically the live-action Sleeping Beauty…I mean it’s GREAT though), but it’s still enjoyable. It’s definitely still a fun time, and it’s still gorgeous to look at. It’s just…different.

But if all you want is a damn good time at the movies, I think I can recommend this to you. Unless you’re someone who is continually offended by the live-action remakes–you may be too blinded by love of the original to see anything good in this one. And I get that, believe me! So maybe this one isn’t for you, and that’s just fine.

As I like to say, I don’t know you, I don’t know your life.

All in all, I give The Lion King…

3/5 REALLY AWESOME DRAWINGS OF BABY SIMBA!!!

What are you talking about, this is exactly what they looked like in the movie.

FAVORITE MOMENT:

I really do love the “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” sequence, but also can we please talk about changing the distraction joke from Timon wearing a hula skirt and singing to Timon putting on a horrible French accent and singing “Be Our Guest”? Iconic.

I mean, I love you Ewan McGregor, but…yeah.

“OOF” MOMENT:

As discussed above, the changes made to Rafiki really irked me, and I’m still not over what they did to “Be Prepared.” Big frowny face from me, y’all.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

Playing With Fire looks so, so bad. And it’s a shame, because I think if they took it seriously, it could be an interesting story. But because it’s aimed at kids, it’s going to be filled with stupid humor. Because kids aren’t smart enough to understand anything else, right? (I should say though, that the last time I saw this trailer in a theatre full of adults, THEY were all laughing at it. These were adults who came to see the Downton Abbey movie. DOWNTON. ABBEY. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD.)

Listen. Listen. Cats is unironically my second favorite musical and you bet I am going to see this movie at least once and be unironically excited about it. Were interesting choices made? 100%. Am I still going to see it because Taylor Swift is a cat? Without a doubt.

Mulan is…happening. I’m so torn. This may be the remake that breaks me. Because on the one hand, I’m thrilled they’re changing things so that it stays more faithful to the original Chinese legend. On the other hand…”I’ll Make a Man Out of You” 😦 (then there’s all the drama with the lead actress making public her support for the Hong Kong police which is a whole other barrel of worms…are there any more updates about that? Does anyone know?)

And that about does it for this review!

Is it the best Disney movie ever? Definitely not, that honor belongs to Tarzan and Atlantis: The Lost Empire…although I guess Black Panther is technically a Disney film, too, because Marvel…? So fine, that one can stay, too.

But it’s still good. It’s still fun. And y’all…it still has BEYONCÉ.

A Collection of Mini Reviews (Miniviews)

OH HEY EVERYONE.

So like I mentioned when I started this blog, I have that AMC A-List thing which means I have the opportunity to go see quite a lot of movies!

Which is super fun until I have absolutely no motivation to review them and then the other parts of my life start kicking up and then I get distracted by other things (namely, and I’m 100% serious: My Singing Monsters Composer. #notsponsored)…yeah.

So I finally sat down to do a tally this morning, and realized that I have seen SIX movies lately that I haven’t reviewed. Like a FOOL. Now because I don’t know how to say anything concisely, those six full-fledged reviews would take a loooooooong time. And I realized that of those six, there aren’t really any that stood out in such a significant way that I’d want to write a full-fledged review about them (with the exception of Booksmart because…Y’ALL. But in that case, just take my word for it and go see it because I cannot fully put into words how delightful it is).

So this post is a catch-up of sorts: I’m gonna do a mini review (or miniview if you will, because…reasons) for each of those six films and just crash-course them to the essentials. So without further ado, let us go!

MINIVIEW 1: BOOKSMART

MY THOUGHTS:

I cannot say enough about this movie. I have seen it three times now and I will be seeing it many more. It’s clever, it’s funny, it’s raunchy (but not too much), it’s an absolute delight from start to finish. The acting is amazing, the directing is great, it’s so beautifully shot, and the music?? THE MUSIC?? Spotify has something called “The Official Booksmart Playlist” which features all the songs used in the film plus little commentary clips from composer and arranger Dan the Automator and director Olivia Wilde, which is ridiculously fun if you’re a mega nerd like me. It’s just so obvious that so much love and care was put into this film, and it feels like a love letter to high school and buddy cop movies alike. Plus, it’s incredibly quotable. I know that I was skeptical because the trailer made it seem like…I mean it could be good, but…it could also be really not good. But it’s so, so good. Please do yourself a favor and see it. It does exactly what movies should do: allow you an escape alongside characters you can love in a story you can enjoy and appreciate.

There are so many little things that I love: the casual all-gender restroom scene, the main relationship focus being a positive and supportive female friendship, Amy doesn’t have a plot line about discovering she’s gay and dealing with that it’s just who she is, Molly doesn’t have a plot line about being plus-size and dealing with that it’s just who she is…I could go on and on forever.

Plus–IT’S AN ORIGINAL STORY!!! It’s not a remake!! It’s not a sequel!! It’s not based on a book!!! IT JUST EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The movie is shot and written in such a way that you judge all of Molly and Amy’s classmates the same way they do, so that when each classmate’s story is revealed by the end, you’re kind of ashamed of yourself for judging them like Molly and Amy do…because you experience everything with them, you feel everything with them, too. When Molly and Amy come crashing into graduation and all their classmates cheer? Iconic. You want to cheer as well. When Molly talks about each classmate and how she’s learned who they really are? You have, too! It’s such a fun way to experience the story and I just love everyone and I’M FULL OF FEELINGS.

Every character has a story that serves to flesh them out as an individual and make them likable…Unlike, say another movie I could mention…….

*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–that underwater scene at the party????? I CANNOT.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

YES.

Overall, I give Booksmart

6/5 SCHOOL BOOKS!!!

Seriously, it’s such a good time, and it suffered at the box office opening weekend because it came out alongside Aladdin (we’ll get to that) and John Wick (we will not get to that). We want more movies like this, fam.

MINIVIEW 2: UGLYDOLLS

MY THOUGHTS:

I struggled with what to say about this one because I know it got a lot of negative reviews when it came out. I was excited because I’m generally a sucker for musical movies, I’m very nostalgic for Uglydolls, and Janelle Monáe is in it. Once I saw it, I guess the reason I didn’t relate to all the negative reviews is because like…this is very clearly a kids’ movie. You can’t review it like a movie movie because it never presents itself as such. Unlike, say, the How to Train Your Dragon franchise. HTTYD is a series for kids based off a bunch of kids’ books, sure, but it is presented in such a way with serious themes that it’s a family film, rather than a kids’ film. Uglydolls never tries to invoke serious themes like HTTYD does, or like most Pixar movies do (….most). If you just appreciate it for what it is, it’s a very well-done kids’ movie. It’s not a great adult/family movie because it never tries to be: it’s a kids’ movie, guys. Chill out.

Am I biased because Kelly Clarkson and Janelle Monáe are in it? Most definitely. But this is a solid, fun, feel-good movie.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The animation is to die for, but what really stands out to me is the overall message of the film: beauty standards are dumb.

This film serves as such a huge kick in the teeth to the beauty industry and society as a whole that I just have to applaud it? I mean the main antagonist is a white, blonde guy who decides what makes everyone else beautiful even though he looks nothing like most of them. There’s a girl who needs glasses but she’s afraid to wear them because she’s been told they make her less beautiful. All of the Uglydolls are told they’ll never be wanted because they’re not perfect enough. And even then, when they try to conform to the ridiculous beauty standards Nick Jonas’s character sets, he still doesn’t accept them. The good ending only comes when they all realize that they’re beautiful and perfect just the way they are–do you even know how important it is for kids to hear messages like that in the media? They’re growing up in a world where fat-shaming, photoshopping, and racism in the beauty industry run rampant and are hardly ever called out (although they are more so now). The more kids learn to be comfortable with exactly who they are and how they look, the less power the beauty industry has over them. And that’s phenomenal.

And to the reviewer who complained that the message of the movie was completely contradicted because the Uglydolls aren’t actually ugly, they’re adorable? That’s the whole damn point, my dear. The Uglydolls represent everyone who has been told by society that they are not enough for whatever reason, but they are enough. They’re not ugly, of course they’re not. No one is ugly. Society tries to tell us there are people who are ugly and people who are perfect, but the point is that that is not true at all: everyone is beautiful and wonderful just the way they are, no matter what.

Plus, super fun songs. I mean, Kelly Clarkson’s Moxie singing to herself “look how much you weigh! And you couldn’t look better!!” WE STAN A QUEEN.

You know what movie doesn’t have fun songs to get the message across??

…okay a lot of them don’t, but SPECIFICALLY *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Look, it’s super cute and fun. It’s sweet and pure and has really cute and genuinely funny moments (Gibberish Cat gets me every damn time) and I do think that if you have kids, they’ll enjoy it, and you might, too. Please teach the kids in your life that they are beautiful and smart and brave and wonderful just the way they are.

Overall, I give Uglydolls

4/5 UGLYDOLLS!!!

I personally didn’t think it was the mess that reviews made it out to be. Could I be biased? 100% absolutely. So decide for yourself. AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS, WITH OR WITHOUT GLASSES OR WHATEVER.

MINIVIEW 3: DETECTIVE PIKACHU

MY THOUGHTS:

I KNEW EVERYONE WAS CRYING ABOUT THE BULBASAURS BUT THAT STILL DIDN’T FULLY PREPARE ME AND I WAS SOBBING ABOUT BULBASAURS

*ahem* So anyway.

I think Uglydolls and Detective Pikachu are similar in that they both very specifically knew their audience. Where Uglydolls was directly aimed at kids, Detective Pikachu was directly aimed at kids obsessed with Pokémon as well as adults like me who grew up with Pokémon and are fully willing to cry about Bulbasaurs.

So with all that in mind, I thought it was absolutely delightful. It was cute, well-animated and well-acted, and I just…Ryan Reynolds. As Pikachu. I never knew I needed that.

Was the plot twist completely predictable? Of course. Was it cheesy and goofy and unrealistic? 112%. But it was so much fun and just…I loved it?

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I think what made the movie work, despite the ridiculousness and the predictability and the goofiness is that it truly was a love letter to the franchise. Remember when Pokémon Go came out and we all lost our collective minds because oh my god there’s a Squirtle in my living room??! They captured that magic yet again with this film, but tenfold. So much love and care was put into every Pokémon that appeared, down to how they interacted with the modern world around them in the most minute ways. Their designs were faithful to the original but adapted just enough to make them fit in (unlike, say for example completely randomly……Sonic the Hedgehog…..)

It was literally like watching my childhood come to life on the big screen and it was just…it was amazing.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

It really depends. If you love Pokémon, absolutely. It’s so fun and precious and wonderful. But if you have no idea what Pokémon is and the entire thing about Bulbasaurs confused you, I think you can skip it. The downside of this film is that I really don’t think it has anything to offer anyone who’s unfamiliar with the franchise. But that being said, it never promised to and it doesn’t have to. It was made for people that are already fans of the franchise, and for once, it’s an adaptation that is both faithful and completely new. It’s filled with love and that is so nice to see, especially when compared to…The Sun is Also a Star. Or probably like, say, *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*. Although I don’t know for sure on that one since I came in completely unfamiliar with the source material. I just like bringing it up whenever I can.

Overall, I give Detective Pikachu….

4/5 POKÉMON THAT MADE ME CRY!!!!

Seriously. Look at that Bulbasaur. Look at his little green Bulbasaur face.

MINIVIEW 4: ROCKETMAN

MY THOUGHTS:

Let’s establish that I was probably completely biased coming into this film as well because Taron Egerton, first of all, and the love of my life Jamie Bell. That is all.

This movie is incredibly well done. I loved the framing element of Elton John being in AA as we cut back and forth to his life story, and all the music scenes with the dancing and just…it was all super fun.

I do know (because this is just what people do I guess) that a lot of people have compared this to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody and the general consensus seems to be that Rocketman is somehow better. I genuinely think the only way you can compare these films is to mention that they’re both a form of biopic documenting some iconic musicians, and also both Freddie Mercury and Elton John were in incredibly abusive relationships with their managers at one point (and they both overcame it!). But Bohemian Rhapsody was explicitly shot like a concert whereas Rocketman is explicitly shot like a movie musical, or even a music video. They have completely different points and reasons for the story being told, and one isn’t necessarily “better” than the other one. You’re welcome to like one more than the other, of course, but they’re both good movies. Bohemian Rhapsody was swarmed in controversy because of the director, but a movie is so much more than its director, and if that’s the reason you’re dismissing it, you need to rethink it. Both these films are incredibly well-done and amazing. Elton John himself had good things to say about Rocketman, and Queen themselves worked right alongside everyone for Bohemian Rhapsody.

They’re both good films, everyone. Enjoy them for what they are and form your own opinions of course–but don’t compare these two films and raise one up for the sake of knocking the other one down.

Compare them to Alita: Battle Angel and knock that one down.

(Kidding, sort of…I know lots of people really liked Alita and that is…so great for them)

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I have a huge weakness for self-love plotlines, so the whole scene near the end where Elton John got to confront everyone in his life including his own past self had me bawling. It’s a beautifully shot scene and it’s such a satisfying way to lead in to the end of the story.

Also, in general all the over-the-top dancing for the musical scenes. Super fun and ridiculous and I loved every second of it.

Also also, Taron Egerton and Jamie Bell. MY SONS.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

I think so. Even if you’re not a huge Elton John fan, you’ve likely heard at least a couple of his songs, and it’s just a good story that’s told in a beautiful and fun way.

Plus like….Taron Egerton……y’all.

(Fun Fact: this is actually the second time Taron Egerton has sung “I’m Still Standing” for a movie! I think this should be a career requirement for him from here on in)

Overall, I give Rocketman

4.5/5 ELTON JOHN SUNGLASSES!!!

These by no means match the most fun ones both in existence and in the film, but it’s a fun taste. Go see the movie to see more of them!!

MINIVIEW 5: MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL

MY THOUGHTS:

So I will freely admit that I haven’t read reviews for this one since I wanted to go in blind, and I only saw it…last week? I think? Anyway. But I guess it’s getting bad reviews because I got a YouTube notification that was something like “why MIB: International completely bombed” and I…wasn’t aware that it had?

I went with a couple friends and we were in a BIG theatre that was completely full, and everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. This might be another example of “critics hated it because they have no souls but audiences generally liked it” (wait–do I have to count myself as a critic now? NOOOO DON’T LUMP ME IN WITH THEM).

Here’s the thing: it’s not the original movie. It can’t be. The original is iconic and hilarious and wonderful and nothing can ever be that one. What I appreciate is that this film never tries to be the original, and maybe that’s why people didn’t like it? I dunno. It is completely and fully its own story, with its own characters and own aliens and own conflicts. It’s original and unique and goofy.

It’s an incredibly fun time. All the characters are likable and fun, and I totally thought I knew the twist and I thought they were hinting at it and THEN THEY SWITCHED AROUND THE TWIST ON ME AND IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY SO THAT’S GREAT.

Is it a standout, knockout, over-the-top amazing film? Nah.

But it is well-done and a damn good time.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

There’s a light hint of it, but I am proud to report that there is absolutely no romance between Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth’s characters. Huzzah! More than anything, they have an incredible friendship and an incredible partnership.

The special effects are absolutely incredible.

Tessa Thompson wears a suit just like all the other agents (although she does have some kickass fun combat boots).

Emma Thompson is in charge of the American branch and she’s killin it.

Tessa Thompson’s character stops a fight by using relationships and a prior friendship, but she can also hold her own in a fight and she’s probably a lot more capable than Chris Hemsworth–

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.

Is this why everyone was mad? Because Tessa Thompson saved Chris Hemsworth multiple times and was probably a better agent than him? Because Emma Thompson is in a position of authority?

Ahhhhhhh it all makes sense now. It was more a Women in Black film than a Men in Black film, and that’s why people are pissed…

I mean no one seemed to be mad about Alita being all kickass and whatever in her movie…is it because her character was presented in a much more sexualized way than the women in MIB: International were? Yeah. Yeah that’s it probably.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Yep. Not only is it a fun time, it’s also pissing off older white guys because it has powerful female characters! So go support it!!

(Also–if you were worried like I was that Kumail Nanjiani’s mini alien character would just be annoying the whole time, rest assured that he was genuinely entertaining and extremely lovable and fun)

Overall, I give Men in Black: International

3.75/5 MIB SUNGLASSES!!

I know I did sunglasses for Rocketman but like…it’s MIB…I couldn’t not…..

MINIVIEW 6: ALADDIN

MY THOUGHTS:

Like many of Disney’s upcoming live-action remakes (Lady and the Tramp??? REALLY???) I was convinced this was completely unnecessary and I was not excited for this…like at all.

I knew I should see it probably, but I kept avoiding it because like…eh. I really love the original animated movie, and this just didn’t look like it offered anything new.

Maybe it’s because I went in with such low expectations, but I’m happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It wasn’t like, absolutely amazing by any means, but I actually kinda liked it.

This is mostly due to Naomi Scott’s Jasmine, but we’ll get to her.

The additions to the story and the costumes are both beautiful, and if anyone can perform the genie instead of Robin Williams, it’s Will Smith. It’s a fun, quirky time and a really lovely film. Not incredible, but definitely good, actually. Again, though, I set the bar real low going into it.

Oddly enough, I think one of the low points of the film was actually Aladdin himself? Not that he wasn’t great, Mena Massoud did an excellent job, but the character himself was just kinda…there. Plus–have you seen Massoud’s natural curly hair?? So much better than what we got in the movie. I think they were trying to make him look like the animated version, but they already changed so much else, just let us have his natural curly hair!!! He is so lovely!!! GIVE US THE CURLS!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

NAOMI SCOTT’S PRINCESS JASMINE. HANDS-DOWN.

I mean, she was good during the whole of the story, but when she sang “Speechless” and literally disintegrated all the men in her life telling her what to do?? ICONIC AND AMAZING AND SHE IS EVERYTHING.

Unsurprisingly, the guys who wrote “Speechless” also wrote the songs for The Greatest Showman (YAAAAAAAS) and La La Land (…meh). It’s an incredible standout power ballad that takes Jasmine’s character from decent to incredible. She takes center-stage in the best way, and all the little girls that wanna be Jasmine for Halloween this year? It’s gonna mean something completely different–it’s gonna mean being a princess who will not be silenced and will take power to do good.

Genuinely by the end I didn’t want Jasmine to end up with Aladdin because she doesn’t need him?? Like they can be bros I guess but she quite literally don’t need no man. This film should have been called Jasmine. She 100% stole the show and turned it into something else entirely in the best way possible.

Unlike, say, another movie named after the main girl….*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–lots of fun political commentary if you know where to look. Especially if you wanna make parallels between Jafar and…someone else…

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Actually, yeah. This movie did what a remake should do (if remakes should do anything, that is, since many are unnecessary): it pays homage to what made the original so good while also adding something completely new that both makes this version good, too, while setting it apart as something different.

It’s a good time, and if you were skeptical like I was, you may just find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Also–you have to experience “Speechless.” You don’t watch or listen to “Speechless”–you experience it. No, really.

Overall, I give Aladdin (which should really be called Jasmine)…

3.5/5 HAPPY GENIE LAMPS!!!

Like I’ve said for some past films, it’s good. It’s not great, but it’s good.

TRAILERS WE HAVEN’T DISCUSSED YET:

K, crash course trailers, here we go:

1. Sonic the Hedgehog–release has been delayed because of the public outcry over Sonic’s…unique design. Fingers crossed they treat the animators/designers fairly and let them eat during all of this, but probably not. Jim Carrey as Eggman looks worth the price of admission alone, I love my son.

2. Godzilla: King of the Monsters–I know we have discussed this one, but there’s a new trailer where one of the scientist guys introduces Godzilla by breathily saying “Zillaaaaaaaaa” and it’s just…it’s the strangest and funniest thing ever.

3. Yesterday–I’m going to see this hopefully soon!! I love the premise and I hope it’s really good and fun like it looks. Plus, Lily James ❤

4. Blinded by the Light–uhhhhhhhh a movie by the team that made Bend It Like Beckham???? I AM SO THERE?????

5. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil–I’m curious to see what they do with this one because a sequel is so incredibly unncessary?? This is like if they announced a sequel to Toy Story 3, I mean, all the loose ends were tied up in a perfect way and it’s so good the way it is, what could you possibly–…oh, wait.

6. Crawl–Yeahhhh this is a big nope from me. This is like Anxiety: The Movie, and I’m not about that life. I barely survived watching Pet Sematary alone you guys, how on earth do you expect me to do survival-crocodile-jumpscare movie?? I do really like how the music for the trailer is all made by like, rhythmic water drips and flashlight-winding. That’s kind of fun.

7. Child’s Play–WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?? Really though, it looks like they updated the idea so that Evil Doll Chucky is connected to a sort of smart-home system, so it’s like…they update the horror story so it’s relevant to right now?? Fascinating. Also, absolutely horrifying. I don’t care how much I love you Mark Hamill, I refuse.

8. Where’d You Go, Bernadette–This is probably better than the trailers make it seem (also, that last trailer gives away?? Everything??). I love me some Cate Blanchett, and this just looks like a really delightful and fun heartwarming story about family or whatever.

9. Angel Has Fallen–I think this is the one where the president is attacked and the guy who saves him is under arrest for some reason and there were a lot of explosions?? I guess this is a sequel, and I honestly have no desire to see either one of these.

10. The Art of Racing in the Rain–YO CATCH ME CRYING IN THE THEATER WHEN THIS MOVIE COMES OUT, THIS BOOK IS SO INCREDIBLY GOOD AND I AM SO READY TO SOB ABOUT A DOG WHO LOVES RACE CARS ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

11. Judy–I don’t have strong feelings about this one, but I’m sure it’s another well-made biopic about an icon and all that. I’ll probably see it.

12. The Kitchen–this looks like it could be really good and fun (but like, also violent) and I think I’ll try to see it.

13. Terminator: Dark Fate–mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

14. Maiden–This looks absolutely fascinating. I’m all about stories of women who blazed the trail in a male-dominated field for other women. Also like–boats!!

OKAY. That should be everything so we’re all caught up now. I think I’m gonna try to see Toy Story 4 this afternoon, or possibly tomorrow, and then that review WILL BE UP BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I SWEAR. REALLY I DO.

If these films are still playing where you are, check them out! I don’t regret seeing any of them, and they’re all enjoyable in their own way (particularly Booksmart).

The Sun is Also a Star REVIEW

*deep inhale*

Okay.

So a while ago (opening weekend, actually, so that tells you how long this has been…#oops) I took myself and the parents to the movies to see The Sun is Also a Star.

Lemme just get it out of the way right now that my mom and I read the book first and LOVED IT so we were incredibly excited for the movie.

We’ll get to that.

I mean, um…it’s…it’s certainly a movie. Yep.

THE PLOT

We start the film with Natasha (Yara Shahidi), a high school student whose family is being deported the next day. She is determined for that to not happen, so she’s on a quest for whatever appointments and lawyers will delay the deportation. Her first stop is a big failure before she begs the guy she meets with, and he gives her the number of a lawyer who I guess is an expert at these things. So Natasha has a new mission now! She manages to set an appointment during the guy’s lunch.

Then, we catch up with Daniel (Charles Melton), also a high school student who is off to go interview for a recommendation for…one of the Big Colleges. Daniel’s mom is really concerned about it, but Daniel’s older brother and Resident Worst Human Being Ever Charles (Jake Choi) makes lots of snide comments about it. Daniel meets up with his Best Friend With No Name who is Never Seen Again (Camrus Johnson? I think? I have no idea) and they have this weird hobby of lounging up in the walls of Grand Central Station to people-watch or something, I guess it’s supposed to be whimsical and relatable.

Anyway, Daniel notices Natasha amongst the crowd because she’s looking up at the ceiling. Daniel like, freaks out because “no one ever looks up!!” And then Natasha turns around and her jacket says “deus ex machina” which is the title of the poem he’d written that morning, so he freaks out times twelve and goes chasing after her.

He loses her, of course, and gets on the train to head to his interview. BUT SURPRISE NATASHA IS ALSO ON THE SAME TRAIN!! He follows her and ends up stopping her from walking out into the street as a car screams past. They chat (as a thank-you for saving Natasha’s life, I guess) and it’s brought to light that Natasha doesn’t believe in love and Daniel is the Most Romantic Sucker Ever.

The rest of the movie is basically Daniel on a mission to make Natasha fall in love with him in one day while she continues to try not to get deported. Just your average modern American love story, am I right.

THE REVIEW

Ugggggghhhhhhhh….

Okay, look. I know we all like to make fun of people who go see movies and then all they can say afterwards is “THE BOOK WAS BETTER!!”

But please trust me when I say that 100% definitively…the book was better.

While the cute teen romance is certainly the center of the book’s story, it’s not the only thing the book is about. See, while the book certainly follows Natasha and Daniel and all their romantic exploits, it also gives little side-chapters to various side-characters and this is a cool mechanic for a variety of reasons that I will get into later.

The book created this beautiful narrative about how interconnected all us humans really are by taking time to focus on characters we normally don’t give a second thought to when reading and/or watching something. The closest the movie comes to this is with some (albeit beautifully shot) scenes of New York spliced in between the scenes with Daniel and Natasha. It’s a cool concept, really…but it could have been so much more.

Honestly, that’s how I felt about the entire movie. It’s a cool concept. It’s decent. It’s okay. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH MORE.

Lemme say here that if you’ve never read the book, it’s possible you’ll like the movie. My dad liked it, and I actually felt like my mom and I had a hard time convincing him why the book was actually better (or it’s just that my dad likes being contrary to everything). Regardless of specifics, it’s still a cool story filled with love and hope and whatever.

But…

The story the book presents isn’t just cool and filled with love and hope. It’s bursting at the seams with it. It takes your expectations and slams them into the ground. It reminds you that not all humans are perfect, that sometimes things still don’t work out and we may never know the reason why, that what seems like an ending is sometimes just the beginning, that sometimes the most seemingly insignificant action can change absolutely everything for the better.

While the movie is a nice, heartfelt escape for a couple hours, the book is a complete emotional journey all on its own. I kept wanting to enjoy the movie for what it was, but I couldn’t not compare it to the incredible source material. I mean they ended up changing so much, I don’t get why they didn’t just make a completely new story. They’d already taken out the heart and soul of the source material, so…I dunno, man. Hollywood, I guess.

So all that being said, let’s dive into exactly what made the movie so lackluster compared to the book, and the beautiful movie we could have had.

Spoiler warning now in effect!! And by that I mean, please read the book because it’s phenomenal, then read my review to learn why you absolutely should not see the movie.

THE MUSIC

It’s cute.

I mean, it’s the soundtrack to a cheesy teen love story to a T.

(There might be more to the soundtrack, I admittedly for once wasn’t really paying attention to the music because I was too distracted watching one of my favorite books absolutely be torn to shreds on the big screen. Anyway.)

HOWEVER…

There’s a scene where Daniel takes Natasha to norebang, (Korean karaoke). It’s a crucial scene in both versions of the story because it’s the scene where the barriers finally break and Natasha finally admits she has Feelings, and the two kiss for the first time. Since it’s karaoke, music is kind of a crucial element!

In the movie, the song Daniel sings is “Crimson and Clover” which is aight, and while it starts out with him singing, it slowly melds into the actual recorded version of the song because by that point we’ve entered Montage Land. The montage is basically Natasha and Daniel’s entire romantic future. It’s sweet and beautifully shot, and probably serves to make up for the lack of montage that was supposed to occur when Natasha and Daniel met (like what happens in the book). Near the end of the song, the makeout session happens, Natasha gets a reminder about her appointment and promptly leaves, so on and so forth.

In the book, the song Daniel sings is “Take a Chance on Me” which is very on the nose and that’s the entire point. While Daniel croons to Natasha in both scenarios, there’s something in the book that is sadly missing from the film–Natasha’s singing.

Natasha is a huge music fan in the book. Specifically, she’s very into Nirvana and Soundgarden. The song she chooses to sing in the norebang is “Fell on Black Days,” and there is truly nothing more endearing than reading Daniel’s POV about how Natasha is an awful, awful singer–but she gives it her all because she loves the song.

I get that we’re against making girls in movies look/act like anything other than completely desirable because that’s what sells I guess, but COME ON. It’s not Daniel’s crooning that leads to the makeout session in the norebang–it’s Natasha’s awful singing filled with pure bliss that leads to a connection that leads to the makeout session in the norebang.

There’s also an entire scene in a record store that got cut for the movie. There’s a very crucial plot point with Natasha’s phone case, a Nirvana album cover on the case, that got cut for the movie.

The music used for the film is fine, it really is, but it ignores everything that made music so important in the story in the first place. Natasha may be cynical and a lover of science, but what captivates Daniel initially is her passionate connection to music. While Natasha still has big bulky headphones that get broken when Daniel saves her life, the movie never touches on her deep connection to music, which means we never get introduced to Irene’s connection to the same music, so on and so forth.

“But wait, who’s Irene?” I hear you asking, “there wasn’t anyone in the movie named Irene!”

Precisely.

THE CHARACTERS

Like I mentioned earlier, the book focuses on other characters and their stories just as it follows Natasha and Daniel. If you saw the film, the narrated slideshow sections that discuss the history of Korean-owned black hair care stores and Natasha’s parents’ romance is a brief taste of what the book offers in that sense. I kept thinking that they could easily have done the short chapters that focus on extra characters in the same way, but alas, they did not.

But let’s start out just by talking about the characters the movie does give us.

Natasha Kingsley is preeeetty close to her book counterpart. She’s a no-nonsense girl who loves science and space and has truly grown up in America, so it makes perfect sense why she doesn’t want to leave. We get a sense she has a strained relationship with her parents (though not nearly as much as in the book) but overall, despite claiming she doesn’t believe in love, her life is filled with it. There are other characters in the book that help to develop her character but are absent in the movie. Her best friend in the world is gone, although we get short snippets of scenes where Natasha is with a small group of friends. Her terrible ex-boyfriend is gone, which is unfortunate because he has a fun scene in the record store that doesn’t exist in the movie, and he has an important conversation with Natasha about their relationship. Overall Natasha is basically the person she is in the book (although she’s even more resistant to Daniel in the book) and that at least was fun to see come to screen. It’s unfortunate that the people and relationships that help define her were so toned down, but more on that later.

Daniel Jae Wong Bae is an interesting dude. He, too, is relatively close to his book counterpart, although I would offer that Movie Daniel is a lot more suave and put together than Book Daniel. Book Daniel is a bit of a dork who overthinks everything, and he’s anything but confident about how things will go with Natasha (anything he says about “I’ll make you fall in love with me” is a front in the book for a true disaster child who likes a pretty girl and wants to keep being with her. This element is not really present in the movie). I don’t know why Daniel’s friend character in the movie is even a thing since he…truly serves no purpose, but whatever. The relationship that really defines Daniel is his relationship with his brother Charles, and this is another thing the movie is sorely lacking.

Even the chapters in the book that talk about Charles confirm that he is basically the Worst Human Being Ever. Book Charles is snarky and merciless and while you can tell it probably stems from some deeper issues, he is largely completely irredeemable because he chooses to be. Movie Charles is a bit of an asshole, sure, but he has some form of redemption in the movie because he wants it–normally I’d be all over this, but it’s weird here because I know what Book Charles is like. It’s strange to see a character who actively chooses to be terrible in the book get turned into someone who suddenly chooses to be and do better. For example, the only reason Book Charles gives Natasha Daniel’s number is because, like Natasha points out, Daniel’s family will not be happy about him dating a black girl. Finally, the heat will get taken off of Charles and his parents will be disappointed in Daniel for once. The narrator points out that this is the last decent thing Charles ever does for his brother. It’s dynamic. It’s fascinating. It’s a little malicious. Movie Charles, on the other hand, gives Natasha Daniel’s number because she “really likes him, right?” And it’s presented as some kind and decent act because he loves his brother. Book Charles may have once loved his brother–he doesn’t any more, and that’s very real. We want to believe in the perfect, accepting family no matter what…but that’s not real.

“But it’s a fictitious story–” YES I KNOW.

Jeremy Martinez (changed from Jeremy Fitzgerald in the book) is the lawyer who can supposedly fix Natasha’s whole situation…except that he can’t. The story we get in the movie is that Jeremy Martinez was biking to work on the Day Everything Went Down when he was hit by a car. His injuries weren’t serious, and he was able to meet Natasha and conduct Daniel’s interview, but there’s something else–he met his future wife in the hospital that day. It’s a sweet story, for sure, and it’s the movie’s way of trying to make up for ruining everything else, I guess. More on him and his story later.

Daniel and Natasha’s families are present, and they show up occasionally for cringe purposes or to make us sad, but they’re not developed nearly to the extent they are in the book. But again…more on that later.

And then we have Daniel’s weird best friend who exists for exactly one (1) scene before vanishing into…somewhere.

The movie doesn’t give us Irene. Or Hannah. Or Joe. The movie cuts out exactly what made the book not “just another” teen romance story–the side characters and how they connect to our two leads.

I can’t even find pictures of side characters because WE ONLY CARE ABOUT NATASHA AND DANIEL I GUESS

THE SIDE CHARACTERS

Let’s start with our most important side character–Irene the security guard. We are introduced to Irene fairly early on, she’s the security guard Natasha always runs into when she’s going to a meeting about immigration. Natasha thinks Irene is weird because Irene always touches everyone’s stuff when they go through the security scanners. In fact, on the Morning When Everything Happened, Natasha is late for her appointment because Irene was inspecting her phone case (the Nirvana one that didn’t matter in the movie). This is important, because Natasha being late for her initial appointment is what led her to meeting Jeremy Fitzgerald/Martinez.

In Irene’s separate chapter, we learn that Irene purposely touches people’s stuff in the security line so they’re forced to look at her and interact with her because Irene is dangerously and cripplingly lonely. So much so that when she notices Natasha’s phone case, she looks up Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and it is his story that convinces her to end her own life the following day.

Later in the story, after Natasha has accepted her feelings for Daniel and it looks like she might be able to stay after all, she calls the office where Irene works and asks them to thank Irene for her; because without Irene making her late, none of the following day would have even happened.

We don’t meet Irene again until the end of the book, but we learn that Irene got the message and the thank you, and because of that, decided not to end her own life. She switched careers and became a flight attendant, and she is extremely happy.

…we’ll get back to her.

Our next important side-character is Hannah Winter, the secretary for Jeremy Fitzgerald/Martinez. When we first meet her, she seems a little…eccentric. Natasha immediately assumes that Hannah is in love with her boss, that she’s devastated about the accident with the car. Daniel meets her later and finds a kindred spirit who believes in the magic of love.

In Hannah’s separate chapter, we learn that she is indeed a hopeless romantic who is very much in love with her boss. She has gone her whole life feeling like the side-character, the best friend rather than the leading lady. She believes in fairy tales, and with Jeremy, she feels like finally she found her own.

This segues nicely into Jeremy Fitzgerald. He’s super nice and well-meaning, and here’s what we learn about him: he is also in love with Hannah Winter, but he is married with kids. The Day Everything Happens, he comes back to the office from the hospital and takes Hannah to a hotel and spend the afternoon with her there.

He decides he has to end the affair with Hannah.

Hannah leaves.

Through Daniel, Jeremy is encouraged to maybe not give up on love and maybe, just maybe, go after Hannah.

We learn that Jeremy leaves his wife and his kids. His wife marries again, and divorces again. His kids grow up not believing in love and they, too, marry…and divorce. Multiple times. Hannah and Jeremy get married and have kids of their own. Hannah and Jeremy’s kids believe in love and grow up to have happy, healthy marriages of their own.

In the book, Jeremy is only unable to postpone Natasha’s deportation because he spent the afternoon with Hannah. It was a simple phone call he didn’t make because he was having an affair. Natasha and Daniel never learn this. But we do.

In the movie, Jeremy is just simply unable to postpone it, but we never learn why. Hannah Winter is present, but she’s nothing more than a secretary. There is no torrid, secret affair that results in broken families as well as happy and healthy ones.

Another side character is the driver of the car that almost hits Natasha and, in the movie at least (it’s never confirmed in the book), does hit Jeremy. The driver is frazzled and disoriented because he lost his teenage daughter to a drunk driver.

The waitress from the Korean restaurant who forces Natasha to use chopsticks is bitter because her son got married and her husband wouldn’t let them go to the wedding. Her son didn’t marry a Korean girl.

The security guard who lets Natasha and Daniel on the roof does so because he remembers his wife and how they would have done the same thing. His wife who always told him to quit smoking, just like Natasha did.

The taxi driver who takes Natasha and Daniel to the airport doesn’t comment or talk to them because he knows what damage looks like.

Everyone is important.

Everyone has a story.

Everyone behaves the way they do because of something else.

No one is alone in anything.

This lovely element is missing from the movie in every way imaginable.

THE FAMILY STORIES

While this is lightly touched on, it’s much more detailed in the book.

In the book, we get a taste of just how important it is to Daniel’s parents for him to go to a good school and be well-off. Daniel’s dad lived in absolute poverty, and if it’s possible for his son to avoid that, he wants that desperately. To the point where if Daniel decides to go somewhere else and do something else with his life, he will be cut off.

In the book, we get a really intense look at how broken Natasha’s family is and why. In the movie, Natasha’s family is being deported because there was a random raid at the kitchen where Natasha’s dad works. It’s unfortunate and unfair, but it’s not necessarily tragic in the sense that it is in the book.

In the book, Samuel Kingsley wants to be an actor. He goes to America first to work on pursuing this dream. At first, it seems like things are going well. But no one will cast him. Finally, Natasha’s mom moves to America with Natasha so they can all be together. Samuel keeps auditioning, and he keeps getting rejected. At some point, Patricia Kingsley goes out to get multiple jobs just to keep the family afloat in their one-bedroom apartment. She’s bitter and disillusioned, so that when Samuel does finally get cast in something, she refuses to go.

The night of the play, Natasha and her little brother Peter go. They go home alone because Samuel wants to stay and celebrate with the other actors. He’s drunk when he tries to drive home. He gets pulled over for a DUI and ends up telling the officer that he and his family are undocumented.

In the book, they are getting deported pretty much solely because of Samuel Kingsley. Because of this, Natasha has an extremely complicated relationship with her father. She has a heartfelt confrontation with him near the end of the book when she brings Daniel home before they have to leave. It develops and rounds out not only Natasha’s character, but her father’s as well.

I kind of get why the movie changed this element. To some extent, it becomes “too many stories to tell” and we don’t want to pull away from Natasha and Daniel or something. Plus, having his deportation be completely not his fault does highlight how ridiculous immigration stuff is in America.

But here’s the thing with that!

When you read the book, the family stories and the side stories never detract from the main love story–they only add to it. By taking all that away, you’re hollowing out Natasha and Daniel’s characters, and the story suffers greatly for it.

Not as much as it does when we get to the ending, however…

Why do they spend the whole night in a park again? Just why? Also why do they LOOK like they DIDN’T spend a whole night in a park? CURSE YOU, HOLLYWOOD!!

THE ENDING

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh OKAY.

In the book and the movie, Natasha and her family get deported. The book makes it clear that Natasha and Daniel tried to stay in contact at first, but they just naturally grew apart. The movie sort of shows this to some extent.

The movie then picks up 5 years later, in the same coffee shop where Natasha and Daniel first met. Natasha is meeting our buddy Jeremy Martinez/Fitzgerald, and she asks if he by any chance remembers Daniel and might know anything about him. She explains that she’s back in the U.S. on a student visa, and she leaves for San Francisco (I think) in the morning and she’d hoped to find him before she left. Jeremy, being incredibly unhelpful, is all “nah bro, but I do remember that day because that’s when I met my wife! She was the nurse who attended me when I got hit by that car!” And Natasha’s all “cool I guess, not what I asked but whatever.”

She stands up to leave, and the camera moves to show that none other than Daniel himself is walking next to her, but neither of them recognize each other. Just as Natasha goes to open the door to leave, Daniel takes over the open mic and says “this is a poem about the sun.” Natasha slowly turns, they make eye contact, they reconnect, nobody in the coffee shop even reacts because that’s definitely realistic, end of movie.

Now, the BOOK.

The actual end of the book is just that Natasha and Daniel grew up and grew apart. That’s it.

The real ending comes with the Epilogue.

Remember Irene?

The epilogue is another of Irene’s POV chapters. See, after she got the call about Natasha thanking her, Irene decided not to end her life. Instead, she got the help she needed, quit her job, and got a new job as a flight attendant. She loves her new job. For the first time, we hear about Irene being truly happy and not lonely anymore.

We catch up with her on one particular flight, where she’s walking down the aisles doing final checks and she recognizes Natasha in one of the seats. Now, in the book, this is 10 years later. Irene asks Natasha if, by any chance, she recognizes her. She wants to thank Natasha for how she changed her life. At first, Natasha seems a little wary, but she does recognize her.

At that moment, someone else on the plane says “Natasha?”

Irene describes how Natasha sees, a few rows ahead of her and across the aisle, a Korean boy. Irene describes Natasha smiling as she says “Daniel.”

That’s the end.

I feel like while both the book and the movie keep the general idea of impossible reunion years later against all odds, the book’s take is–you guessed it!–better. By putting us in Irene’s POV for the final reunion, we take an outsider’s perspective, which is what we’ve truly been all along. We no longer have access to Natasha and Daniel’s thoughts. We are another passenger on the plane, seeing this reunion that shouldn’t have happened. Somehow the reunion feels all the more impossible when we’re viewing it like Irene is–someone who may not have the full story behind these two, but can tell that somehow, what’s happening is amazing.

It’s a realistically hopeful take on a love that the world says should not work out.

Yet it does.

The movie’s ending is okay–really it is. Daniel reading a poem about the sun being the thing that causes Natasha to turn around is cute. The point that they reunite is still evident.

But there’s something beautifully poetic about Natasha and Daniel only reuniting because Irene says Natasha’s name on the plane. Maybe they would have run into each other at the airport…maybe not. But because Natasha made one phone call to thank a security guard because she decided without that security guard, she never would have met Daniel…because of that one phone call…that security guard turned flight attendant is what allows them to meet again 10 years later.

The book ends before we discover if they rekindled anything between them. We don’t know what their circumstances are or where they’re headed or why. But we do know that miraculously, they were given a second chance together. Maybe their tragic parting was all so their reunion could be that much sweeter–maybe they can be together now where they couldn’t years before. The truth is we don’t know for sure. And I actually like that more. It’s up to the reader to interpret what exactly is the end of Natasha and Daniel’s story. If there even is one. Maybe it’s still playing out, in all of us, every time we are kind to someone else when it seems insignificant.

You never know where that act of kindness might lead, or why.

But it’s kind of fun to think about.

THE SUMMATION

Look–like I said before, I clearly have a bias here. I read the book and fell in love. I was transported to some version of our universe where despite everything, love wins. I fell in love with every character we met and I loved knowing every little piece of their story I was given. I loved getting to see how everything connected by the end, despite everything.

The movie is, solely and entirely, a love story. It’s not a bad love story. It still focuses on immigration issues and family pressures and the injustice of it all. But it never strays too far from its focus: the love between Natasha and Daniel.

It’s why their reunion at the end of the movie, though very watered-down from the book, works. Because that reunion is perfect for what it is: a love story.

I would argue that while the movie tells a love story, the book tells a story about love–all different kinds. That’s why I think it’s so powerful. That’s why I think if you’re looking for some beautiful love story, you should really read the book.

Really.

I read it in a day. Partly because I had a deadline since we’d already bought tickets for the movie, but really though. It’s a quick powerful read that will make you feel all sorts of things. In a good way. I mean I definitely cried. A lot.

But like…wouldn’t you rather deal with a story that made you cry and feel things because you loved the characters, rather than tried to make you cry with all its superficial symbolism and angst and poorly-dealt-with female robot characters?

(*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*)

Anyway.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

So if it wasn’t abundantly clear by now–no.

I mean…ugh. Look, if you’re not a book person, that’s…fine…I guess, but please please please, if the trailer for the movie looked intriguing, read the book. It tells Natasha and Daniel’s story so much better than the movie does.

However, if that’s not your thing, which I don’t personally get but whatever I don’t know you, I don’t know your life, you might like the movie. My dad didn’t read the book and he thought the movie was great (despite my mom and I trying to convince him otherwise by constantly going off with “AND ANOTHER THING…”).

The movie tells a good story. It’s not a bad movie by any means.

But it could have been so much more.

Which is why I give The Sun is Also a Star

2/5 BITTER SUNS!!!

Because the sun may also be a star, but it deserves a better movie than this.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

The only new friend we have to talk about is My Spy which I just figured out stars the guy who plays Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy. Hopefully I like My Spy more than Guardians (OOOOoooooooOooooOOOOH SHE DOESN’T LIKE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY OOOooooOOooOOOH yeah yeah shut up). Best part of the trailer is when the girl knocks the fish bowl over to cause a distraction and he just “*GASP* LITTLE BLUE!!!!” Because same.

That about does it for this review!! The movie is…fine.

But please, please do yourself a favor and READ THE BOOK.