Category: action

A Collection of Mini Reviews (Miniviews)

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OH HEY EVERYONE.

So like I mentioned when I started this blog, I have that AMC A-List thing which means I have the opportunity to go see quite a lot of movies!

Which is super fun until I have absolutely no motivation to review them and then the other parts of my life start kicking up and then I get distracted by other things (namely, and I’m 100% serious: My Singing Monsters Composer. #notsponsored)…yeah.

So I finally sat down to do a tally this morning, and realized that I have seen SIX movies lately that I haven’t reviewed. Like a FOOL. Now because I don’t know how to say anything concisely, those six full-fledged reviews would take a loooooooong time. And I realized that of those six, there aren’t really any that stood out in such a significant way that I’d want to write a full-fledged review about them (with the exception of Booksmart because…Y’ALL. But in that case, just take my word for it and go see it because I cannot fully put into words how delightful it is).

So this post is a catch-up of sorts: I’m gonna do a mini review (or miniview if you will, because…reasons) for each of those six films and just crash-course them to the essentials. So without further ado, let us go!

MINIVIEW 1: BOOKSMART

MY THOUGHTS:

I cannot say enough about this movie. I have seen it three times now and I will be seeing it many more. It’s clever, it’s funny, it’s raunchy (but not too much), it’s an absolute delight from start to finish. The acting is amazing, the directing is great, it’s so beautifully shot, and the music?? THE MUSIC?? Spotify has something called “The Official Booksmart Playlist” which features all the songs used in the film plus little commentary clips from composer and arranger Dan the Automator and director Olivia Wilde, which is ridiculously fun if you’re a mega nerd like me. It’s just so obvious that so much love and care was put into this film, and it feels like a love letter to high school and buddy cop movies alike. Plus, it’s incredibly quotable. I know that I was skeptical because the trailer made it seem like…I mean it could be good, but…it could also be really not good. But it’s so, so good. Please do yourself a favor and see it. It does exactly what movies should do: allow you an escape alongside characters you can love in a story you can enjoy and appreciate.

There are so many little things that I love: the casual all-gender restroom scene, the main relationship focus being a positive and supportive female friendship, Amy doesn’t have a plot line about discovering she’s gay and dealing with that it’s just who she is, Molly doesn’t have a plot line about being plus-size and dealing with that it’s just who she is…I could go on and on forever.

Plus–IT’S AN ORIGINAL STORY!!! It’s not a remake!! It’s not a sequel!! It’s not based on a book!!! IT JUST EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The movie is shot and written in such a way that you judge all of Molly and Amy’s classmates the same way they do, so that when each classmate’s story is revealed by the end, you’re kind of ashamed of yourself for judging them like Molly and Amy do…because you experience everything with them, you feel everything with them, too. When Molly and Amy come crashing into graduation and all their classmates cheer? Iconic. You want to cheer as well. When Molly talks about each classmate and how she’s learned who they really are? You have, too! It’s such a fun way to experience the story and I just love everyone and I’M FULL OF FEELINGS.

Every character has a story that serves to flesh them out as an individual and make them likable…Unlike, say another movie I could mention…….

*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–that underwater scene at the party????? I CANNOT.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

YES.

Overall, I give Booksmart…

6/5 SCHOOL BOOKS!!!

Seriously, it’s such a good time, and it suffered at the box office opening weekend because it came out alongside Aladdin (we’ll get to that) and John Wick (we will not get to that). We want more movies like this, fam.

MINIVIEW 2: UGLYDOLLS

MY THOUGHTS:

I struggled with what to say about this one because I know it got a lot of negative reviews when it came out. I was excited because I’m generally a sucker for musical movies, I’m very nostalgic for Uglydolls, and Janelle Monáe is in it. Once I saw it, I guess the reason I didn’t relate to all the negative reviews is because like…this is very clearly a kids’ movie. You can’t review it like a movie movie because it never presents itself as such. Unlike, say, the How to Train Your Dragon franchise. HTTYD is a series for kids based off a bunch of kids’ books, sure, but it is presented in such a way with serious themes that it’s a family film, rather than a kids’ film. Uglydolls never tries to invoke serious themes like HTTYD does, or like most Pixar movies do (….most). If you just appreciate it for what it is, it’s a very well-done kids’ movie. It’s not a great adult/family movie because it never tries to be: it’s a kids’ movie, guys. Chill out.

Am I biased because Kelly Clarkson and Janelle Monáe are in it? Most definitely. But this is a solid, fun, feel-good movie.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

The animation is to die for, but what really stands out to me is the overall message of the film: beauty standards are dumb.

This film serves as such a huge kick in the teeth to the beauty industry and society as a whole that I just have to applaud it? I mean the main antagonist is a white, blonde guy who decides what makes everyone else beautiful even though he looks nothing like most of them. There’s a girl who needs glasses but she’s afraid to wear them because she’s been told they make her less beautiful. All of the Uglydolls are told they’ll never be wanted because they’re not perfect enough. And even then, when they try to conform to the ridiculous beauty standards Nick Jonas’s character sets, he still doesn’t accept them. The good ending only comes when they all realize that they’re beautiful and perfect just the way they are–do you even know how important it is for kids to hear messages like that in the media? They’re growing up in a world where fat-shaming, photoshopping, and racism in the beauty industry run rampant and are hardly ever called out (although they are more so now). The more kids learn to be comfortable with exactly who they are and how they look, the less power the beauty industry has over them. And that’s phenomenal.

And to the reviewer who complained that the message of the movie was completely contradicted because the Uglydolls aren’t actually ugly, they’re adorable? That’s the whole damn point, my dear. The Uglydolls represent everyone who has been told by society that they are not enough for whatever reason, but they are enough. They’re not ugly, of course they’re not. No one is ugly. Society tries to tell us there are people who are ugly and people who are perfect, but the point is that that is not true at all: everyone is beautiful and wonderful just the way they are, no matter what.

Plus, super fun songs. I mean, Kelly Clarkson’s Moxie singing to herself “look how much you weigh! And you couldn’t look better!!” WE STAN A QUEEN.

You know what movie doesn’t have fun songs to get the message across??

…okay a lot of them don’t, but SPECIFICALLY *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Look, it’s super cute and fun. It’s sweet and pure and has really cute and genuinely funny moments (Gibberish Cat gets me every damn time) and I do think that if you have kids, they’ll enjoy it, and you might, too. Please teach the kids in your life that they are beautiful and smart and brave and wonderful just the way they are.

Overall, I give Uglydolls…

4/5 UGLYDOLLS!!!

I personally didn’t think it was the mess that reviews made it out to be. Could I be biased? 100% absolutely. So decide for yourself. AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS, WITH OR WITHOUT GLASSES OR WHATEVER.

MINIVIEW 3: DETECTIVE PIKACHU

MY THOUGHTS:

I KNEW EVERYONE WAS CRYING ABOUT THE BULBASAURS BUT THAT STILL DIDN’T FULLY PREPARE ME AND I WAS SOBBING ABOUT BULBASAURS

*ahem* So anyway.

I think Uglydolls and Detective Pikachu are similar in that they both very specifically knew their audience. Where Uglydolls was directly aimed at kids, Detective Pikachu was directly aimed at kids obsessed with Pokémon as well as adults like me who grew up with Pokémon and are fully willing to cry about Bulbasaurs.

So with all that in mind, I thought it was absolutely delightful. It was cute, well-animated and well-acted, and I just…Ryan Reynolds. As Pikachu. I never knew I needed that.

Was the plot twist completely predictable? Of course. Was it cheesy and goofy and unrealistic? 112%. But it was so much fun and just…I loved it?

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I think what made the movie work, despite the ridiculousness and the predictability and the goofiness is that it truly was a love letter to the franchise. Remember when Pokémon Go came out and we all lost our collective minds because oh my god there’s a Squirtle in my living room??! They captured that magic yet again with this film, but tenfold. So much love and care was put into every Pokémon that appeared, down to how they interacted with the modern world around them in the most minute ways. Their designs were faithful to the original but adapted just enough to make them fit in (unlike, say for example completely randomly……Sonic the Hedgehog…..)

It was literally like watching my childhood come to life on the big screen and it was just…it was amazing.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

It really depends. If you love Pokémon, absolutely. It’s so fun and precious and wonderful. But if you have no idea what Pokémon is and the entire thing about Bulbasaurs confused you, I think you can skip it. The downside of this film is that I really don’t think it has anything to offer anyone who’s unfamiliar with the franchise. But that being said, it never promised to and it doesn’t have to. It was made for people that are already fans of the franchise, and for once, it’s an adaptation that is both faithful and completely new. It’s filled with love and that is so nice to see, especially when compared to…The Sun is Also a Star. Or probably like, say, *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*. Although I don’t know for sure on that one since I came in completely unfamiliar with the source material. I just like bringing it up whenever I can.

Overall, I give Detective Pikachu….

4/5 POKÉMON THAT MADE ME CRY!!!!

Seriously. Look at that Bulbasaur. Look at his little green Bulbasaur face.

MINIVIEW 4: ROCKETMAN

MY THOUGHTS:

Let’s establish that I was probably completely biased coming into this film as well because Taron Egerton, first of all, and the love of my life Jamie Bell. That is all.

This movie is incredibly well done. I loved the framing element of Elton John being in AA as we cut back and forth to his life story, and all the music scenes with the dancing and just…it was all super fun.

I do know (because this is just what people do I guess) that a lot of people have compared this to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody and the general consensus seems to be that Rocketman is somehow better. I genuinely think the only way you can compare these films is to mention that they’re both a form of biopic documenting some iconic musicians, and also both Freddie Mercury and Elton John were in incredibly abusive relationships with their managers at one point (and they both overcame it!). But Bohemian Rhapsody was explicitly shot like a concert whereas Rocketman is explicitly shot like a movie musical, or even a music video. They have completely different points and reasons for the story being told, and one isn’t necessarily “better” than the other one. You’re welcome to like one more than the other, of course, but they’re both good movies. Bohemian Rhapsody was swarmed in controversy because of the director, but a movie is so much more than its director, and if that’s the reason you’re dismissing it, you need to rethink it. Both these films are incredibly well-done and amazing. Elton John himself had good things to say about Rocketman, and Queen themselves worked right alongside everyone for Bohemian Rhapsody.

They’re both good films, everyone. Enjoy them for what they are and form your own opinions of course–but don’t compare these two films and raise one up for the sake of knocking the other one down.

Compare them to Alita: Battle Angel and knock that one down.

(Kidding, sort of…I know lots of people really liked Alita and that is…so great for them)

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

I have a huge weakness for self-love plotlines, so the whole scene near the end where Elton John got to confront everyone in his life including his own past self had me bawling. It’s a beautifully shot scene and it’s such a satisfying way to lead in to the end of the story.

Also, in general all the over-the-top dancing for the musical scenes. Super fun and ridiculous and I loved every second of it.

Also also, Taron Egerton and Jamie Bell. MY SONS.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

I think so. Even if you’re not a huge Elton John fan, you’ve likely heard at least a couple of his songs, and it’s just a good story that’s told in a beautiful and fun way.

Plus like….Taron Egerton……y’all.

(Fun Fact: this is actually the second time Taron Egerton has sung “I’m Still Standing” for a movie! I think this should be a career requirement for him from here on in)

Overall, I give Rocketman…

4.5/5 ELTON JOHN SUNGLASSES!!!

These by no means match the most fun ones both in existence and in the film, but it’s a fun taste. Go see the movie to see more of them!!

MINIVIEW 5: MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL

MY THOUGHTS:

So I will freely admit that I haven’t read reviews for this one since I wanted to go in blind, and I only saw it…last week? I think? Anyway. But I guess it’s getting bad reviews because I got a YouTube notification that was something like “why MIB: International completely bombed” and I…wasn’t aware that it had?

I went with a couple friends and we were in a BIG theatre that was completely full, and everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. This might be another example of “critics hated it because they have no souls but audiences generally liked it” (wait–do I have to count myself as a critic now? NOOOO DON’T LUMP ME IN WITH THEM).

Here’s the thing: it’s not the original movie. It can’t be. The original is iconic and hilarious and wonderful and nothing can ever be that one. What I appreciate is that this film never tries to be the original, and maybe that’s why people didn’t like it? I dunno. It is completely and fully its own story, with its own characters and own aliens and own conflicts. It’s original and unique and goofy.

It’s an incredibly fun time. All the characters are likable and fun, and I totally thought I knew the twist and I thought they were hinting at it and THEN THEY SWITCHED AROUND THE TWIST ON ME AND IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY SO THAT’S GREAT.

Is it a standout, knockout, over-the-top amazing film? Nah.

But it is well-done and a damn good time.

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

There’s a light hint of it, but I am proud to report that there is absolutely no romance between Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth’s characters. Huzzah! More than anything, they have an incredible friendship and an incredible partnership.

The special effects are absolutely incredible.

Tessa Thompson wears a suit just like all the other agents (although she does have some kickass fun combat boots).

Emma Thompson is in charge of the American branch and she’s killin it.

Tessa Thompson’s character stops a fight by using relationships and a prior friendship, but she can also hold her own in a fight and she’s probably a lot more capable than Chris Hemsworth–

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.

Is this why everyone was mad? Because Tessa Thompson saved Chris Hemsworth multiple times and was probably a better agent than him? Because Emma Thompson is in a position of authority?

Ahhhhhhh it all makes sense now. It was more a Women in Black film than a Men in Black film, and that’s why people are pissed…

I mean no one seemed to be mad about Alita being all kickass and whatever in her movie…is it because her character was presented in a much more sexualized way than the women in MIB: International were? Yeah. Yeah that’s it probably.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Yep. Not only is it a fun time, it’s also pissing off older white guys because it has powerful female characters! So go support it!!

(Also–if you were worried like I was that Kumail Nanjiani’s mini alien character would just be annoying the whole time, rest assured that he was genuinely entertaining and extremely lovable and fun)

Overall, I give Men in Black: International…

3.75/5 MIB SUNGLASSES!!

I know I did sunglasses for Rocketman but like…it’s MIB…I couldn’t not…..

MINIVIEW 6: ALADDIN

MY THOUGHTS:

Like many of Disney’s upcoming live-action remakes (Lady and the Tramp??? REALLY???) I was convinced this was completely unnecessary and I was not excited for this…like at all.

I knew I should see it probably, but I kept avoiding it because like…eh. I really love the original animated movie, and this just didn’t look like it offered anything new.

Maybe it’s because I went in with such low expectations, but I’m happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It wasn’t like, absolutely amazing by any means, but I actually kinda liked it.

This is mostly due to Naomi Scott’s Jasmine, but we’ll get to her.

The additions to the story and the costumes are both beautiful, and if anyone can perform the genie instead of Robin Williams, it’s Will Smith. It’s a fun, quirky time and a really lovely film. Not incredible, but definitely good, actually. Again, though, I set the bar real low going into it.

Oddly enough, I think one of the low points of the film was actually Aladdin himself? Not that he wasn’t great, Mena Massoud did an excellent job, but the character himself was just kinda…there. Plus–have you seen Massoud’s natural curly hair?? So much better than what we got in the movie. I think they were trying to make him look like the animated version, but they already changed so much else, just let us have his natural curly hair!!! He is so lovely!!! GIVE US THE CURLS!!!!!

STANDOUT ELEMENT:

NAOMI SCOTT’S PRINCESS JASMINE. HANDS-DOWN.

I mean, she was good during the whole of the story, but when she sang “Speechless” and literally disintegrated all the men in her life telling her what to do?? ICONIC AND AMAZING AND SHE IS EVERYTHING.

Unsurprisingly, the guys who wrote “Speechless” also wrote the songs for The Greatest Showman (YAAAAAAAS) and La La Land (…meh). It’s an incredible standout power ballad that takes Jasmine’s character from decent to incredible. She takes center-stage in the best way, and all the little girls that wanna be Jasmine for Halloween this year? It’s gonna mean something completely different–it’s gonna mean being a princess who will not be silenced and will take power to do good.

Genuinely by the end I didn’t want Jasmine to end up with Aladdin because she doesn’t need him?? Like they can be bros I guess but she quite literally don’t need no man. This film should have been called Jasmine. She 100% stole the show and turned it into something else entirely in the best way possible.

Unlike, say, another movie named after the main girl….*cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*

Also–lots of fun political commentary if you know where to look. Especially if you wanna make parallels between Jafar and…someone else…

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Actually, yeah. This movie did what a remake should do (if remakes should do anything, that is, since many are unnecessary): it pays homage to what made the original so good while also adding something completely new that both makes this version good, too, while setting it apart as something different.

It’s a good time, and if you were skeptical like I was, you may just find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Also–you have to experience “Speechless.” You don’t watch or listen to “Speechless”–you experience it. No, really.

Overall, I give Aladdin (which should really be called Jasmine)…

3.5/5 HAPPY GENIE LAMPS!!!

Like I’ve said for some past films, it’s good. It’s not great, but it’s good.

TRAILERS WE HAVEN’T DISCUSSED YET:

K, crash course trailers, here we go:

1. Sonic the Hedgehog–release has been delayed because of the public outcry over Sonic’s…unique design. Fingers crossed they treat the animators/designers fairly and let them eat during all of this, but probably not. Jim Carrey as Eggman looks worth the price of admission alone, I love my son.

2. Godzilla: King of the Monsters–I know we have discussed this one, but there’s a new trailer where one of the scientist guys introduces Godzilla by breathily saying “Zillaaaaaaaaa” and it’s just…it’s the strangest and funniest thing ever.

3. Yesterday–I’m going to see this hopefully soon!! I love the premise and I hope it’s really good and fun like it looks. Plus, Lily James ❤

4. Blinded by the Light–uhhhhhhhh a movie by the team that made Bend It Like Beckham???? I AM SO THERE?????

5. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil–I’m curious to see what they do with this one because a sequel is so incredibly unncessary?? This is like if they announced a sequel to Toy Story 3, I mean, all the loose ends were tied up in a perfect way and it’s so good the way it is, what could you possibly–…oh, wait.

6. Crawl–Yeahhhh this is a big nope from me. This is like Anxiety: The Movie, and I’m not about that life. I barely survived watching Pet Sematary alone you guys, how on earth do you expect me to do survival-crocodile-jumpscare movie?? I do really like how the music for the trailer is all made by like, rhythmic water drips and flashlight-winding. That’s kind of fun.

7. Child’s Play–WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?? Really though, it looks like they updated the idea so that Evil Doll Chucky is connected to a sort of smart-home system, so it’s like…they update the horror story so it’s relevant to right now?? Fascinating. Also, absolutely horrifying. I don’t care how much I love you Mark Hamill, I refuse.

8. Where’d You Go, Bernadette–This is probably better than the trailers make it seem (also, that last trailer gives away?? Everything??). I love me some Cate Blanchett, and this just looks like a really delightful and fun heartwarming story about family or whatever.

9. Angel Has Fallen–I think this is the one where the president is attacked and the guy who saves him is under arrest for some reason and there were a lot of explosions?? I guess this is a sequel, and I honestly have no desire to see either one of these.

10. The Art of Racing in the Rain–YO CATCH ME CRYING IN THE THEATER WHEN THIS MOVIE COMES OUT, THIS BOOK IS SO INCREDIBLY GOOD AND I AM SO READY TO SOB ABOUT A DOG WHO LOVES RACE CARS ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

11. Judy–I don’t have strong feelings about this one, but I’m sure it’s another well-made biopic about an icon and all that. I’ll probably see it.

12. The Kitchen–this looks like it could be really good and fun (but like, also violent) and I think I’ll try to see it.

13. Terminator: Dark Fate–mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

14. Maiden–This looks absolutely fascinating. I’m all about stories of women who blazed the trail in a male-dominated field for other women. Also like–boats!!

OKAY. That should be everything so we’re all caught up now. I think I’m gonna try to see Toy Story 4 this afternoon, or possibly tomorrow, and then that review WILL BE UP BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I SWEAR. REALLY I DO.

If these films are still playing where you are, check them out! I don’t regret seeing any of them, and they’re all enjoyable in their own way (particularly Booksmart).

Avengers: Endgame REVIEW

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It’s finally here!

Yay!

…I guess!

I gotta say, it was a bit of a challenge carving out a three-and-a-half-hour block from my dad’s and my schedules to go see this finally, but we did!

And…I mean it’s definitely a movie!

Endgame is the culmination of a whole lotta Marvel cinematic universe films, all leading up to this huge and ridiculously long finale. The pressure was certainly on for the Russo brothers, directing this super monstrosity of a movie.

Did it live up to the massive hype surrounding it?

…

I mean let’s save my opinion for later.

NOTE: I will try to keep the following two sections as spoiler-free as possible, as always, but if you really want to see this film, it’s probably best to go in completely blind. Unless you’re like me, and you actually prefer having spoilers sometimes so you know what you have to put up with. I didn’t get that for Endgame, and…well…

NOTE 2: After completing this post and going back to re-read it, I have decided that I think you should have this movie spoiled for you. There’s nothing groundbreaking about it, and the whole spoiler campaign was just so you would throw more money at the production companies. Don’t do that.

NOTE 3: Also also, the first half of this review is mostly incoherent rambling and angry ranting because…well, you’ll see. The second half is a lot more poetic. This movie brought out a lot of different sides of me. Oh well.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. Spoiler warning. But also like…it’s whatever.

THE PLOT

The film actually starts back before the big ol’ snap that ruined everything, with Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) having a peaceful, fun BBQ with his family–so you know everything’s about to go wrong. And it does! His entire family disappears because of the snap. So. Yeah.

Then we cut to: the rest of the team! Following the rather catastrophic events of Avengers: Infinity War, the team is a bit of a mess. Luckily, they’re able to locate Thanos (Josh Brolin) by reading some kind of unique energy signature that the infinity stones give off. They trace him to some other planet where he’s set up some kind of peaceful farm life for himself, but the Avengers ain’t havin it.

Determined to reunite the stones to bring back everyone they lost, they drill Thanos about the location of the stones. Thanos, rather frustratingly, admits that he actually used the stones…to destroy the stones. Their work was done, he says, so he nearly destroys himself in the process destroying the stones.

Fed up, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) slices his head off. Ha. Get it. Because if only he’d done that last movie, everything would have been fine. Ha. HAHA.

We then cut to 5 years later, and everything is…it’s still a mess. The team has all but separated. Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) remains at the Avengers base, overseeing operations of…some kind from afar, determined to keep making a difference. I guess now she suddenly has some plot line about feeling useless and needing to be a hero, and literally the only reason this is suddenly introduced is for the ridiculous “payoff” later on.

BUT I DIGRESS, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Anyway, Captain America/Steve Rogers/Cap (Chris Evans) shows up and is all “I love pretending everything is fine, don’t you?” Basically everyone’s just really depressed.

At some point we cut to some kind of…impound lot? Storage lot? I dunno. Anyway, it’s the Ant-Man van! A rat is moving about the dashboard, accidentally activates the quantum realm portal, and suddenly iiiiiiiit’s Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd)!

Lang, having been in the quantum realm since the end of his second movie (Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and Dr. Pym (Michael Douglas) were supposed to bring him back, but they, too, disappeared in the snap), is a little disoriented. For Lang, it hasn’t been 5 years, only about 5 hours or so. He races around, trying to figure out what’s happening, and stumbles across a…very detailed memorial for all those lost in the snap (I mean, they go out of their way to show what a post-apocalyptic setting we’re in since we lost half of all life, but somehow we were able to build such a detailed, nice-looking memorial? Did they just need some way for Lang to see his name and freak out? Yeah. Yeah that’s it). Confused because he finds his own name there, Lang heads to Avengers HQ.

Lang is hyped because he thinks there has to be some way to go back in time and fix everything. After all, time works differently in the quantum realm, so there must be some way for it to work! But they need a real man of science on this: they need…Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.).

Aforementioned Stark is living out his days in a very peaceful cabin in the woods with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) and their daughter, Morgan (Lexi Rabe). Having been brought back from space and the literal edge of death five years prior by Captain Marvel (Brie Larson–by the way, don’t get used to her. She does almost nothing in the movie, despite being advertised as a major player), Stark isn’t really keen on abandoning this family he finally has to go chasing down bad guys on a hunch that may not even work.

The team is distressed, but they ultimately leave Stark alone to find the other science man on the team: the Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Banner has…somehow…managed to figure out how to be both Hulk and himself at…the same time? Anyway. Banner’s down to help, but he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing, and he says as much. The team doesn’t care–they want their friends back.

Stark, meanwhile, has been unable to stop thinking about this whole time travel thing. He uses Friday (Kerry Condon) to run different…tests…of some sort. I dunno, it’s time travel, so it’s not explained in a way that us normal folk can understand. He somehow figures it out though, I guess, and he tells Pepper that if she doesn’t want him to go, he won’t. Pepper, knowing him really well, tells him to go.

Stark shows up just in time, as Banner turned Lang into a baby, an old man, a kid, and finally himself again. They hunt down some other team members, including Hawkeye who is an assassin suddenly? And Thor who um…wears a fat suit the entire film. Yyyyep.

Anyway, they figure out that there are basically four different timelines they need to go to in order to steal the Infinity Stones before Thanos is able to gather them. There’s some kind of half-assed explanation given as to why they can’t just go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby, which I’ll get into later. Basically, they decide that the only thing they can do is get the Infinity Stones first, snap to bring everyone back, and then destroy the stones.

Of course, nothing goes according to plan, and three hours of ~hilarity~ ensues.

THE REVIEW

I wanted to like it. I really did.

I think part of the problem is that it was so hyped up. I mean even after it was finally out and people were screaming to “not spoil the endgame,” positive reviews and incredible box office returns were flooding the Internet. How could you not be excited even as a casual Marvel fan??

The problem with hype is that it inevitably leads to disappointment. With so many fans, there’s just no way to please them all, and I get that. It just sucks being in the demographic that dislikes it– these characters you’ve come to love are handled in a way that’s just disappointing to you. But everyone else seems to like it, so maybe it’s just you…

Anyway. I wanted to like it. I really didn’t.

And the thing is…I kind of liked the first 2/3 of it? I love time travel plots, and it was so fun seeing the callbacks to previous films and characters (especially ones I actually liked). I loved seeing how the characters dealt with the events of Infinity War. I mean, they lost, and they’ve never really lost before? And they all handled it so differently.

But I realized as the movie went on and more and more plot twists occurred…I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. Things were happening left and right that were never explained, tons of pointless things happened, characters were poorly handled, and the movie broke its own established time travel rules?? I just…why?????

The other disappointing thing has been the creators’ responses to the questions. Instead of saying things like “I see how it could be interpreted this way, and while that wasn’t our intention, we’re sorry for the hurt that may have caused” they say things like “no no no, you’re wrong, this is what it means and we’re right and you’re wrong because we made it and you didn’t, now shut up and go buy another movie ticket.”

(Okay slight paraphrasing, but you get the idea)

I just left the theater feeling really disappointed and honestly really angry. I just felt like Infinity War was handled relatively well, and don’t even get me started on how great Civil War was…but this just…eh.

Again, I liked parts of it!

But the rest of it really killed the movie for me.

So here’s the deal: because this damn movie is three hours long, it doesn’t really make sense to split up the categories like I usually do because there’s just too much information. That, and these are characters who’ve been in plenty of other films prior to this, so…well, we’ll get there. What I’ll do is simply talk about sections I liked (there aren’t a lot) and sections that disappointed me (there are many). So without further ado…major, major spoiler warning now in effect.

(But really like…it’s genuinely not that big of a deal. Seriously. Spoil yourself. This movie doesn’t deserve all the secrecy it had surrounding it to force you to buy a movie ticket)

THE TIME TRAVEL

So let’s start with probably the biggest elephant in the room: the time travel.

Because we needed to have some all-out epic battle at the end involving Thanos, we couldn’t have the Avengers simply go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby. You can’t do that because superhero fans don’t pay to see plots that make sense, they pay to see epic battles!!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!!

*ahem* anyway, because of that, the time travel plot line is basically explained as such: everything you think you know about time travel because of incredible movies like Back to the Future is WRONG. Going back in the past to change something doesn’t change anything in your future…because I guess then that past becomes your future, so nothing actually changes because it’s just your future as always? Anyway, the idea is that when you change something in the past, you actually just end up creating an entirely different, separate timeline. So the idea is that even if they want back, killed Thanos as a baby…that would just create a different timeline where baby Thanos died, but when they went back to their own time, the snap will still have occurred and all their friends are still gone. Thanos wasn’t killed as a baby in their timeline, he was killed in a different one.

So they decide instead, they need to go back in time and steal the infinity stones before Thanos can get them and snap to bring all their peeps back. Now, of course, they don’t consider the possibility that Thanos from the past they go to will figure out what they’re doing and confront them and just take the Infinity Stones that THEY’VE GATHERED FOR HIM, LIKE IDIOTS. Nah. They don’t even consider that.

So of course that’s exactly what happens.

There are…there are a lot of frustrating things about this that I can talk about, so let’s make a list:

1. It is so, so frustrating to me that they never even consider the possibility that a past version of Thanos will confront them. Like…I mean I get that they have a lot on their minds but really???

2. The movie really yada-yadas over the whole “Pym Particles” thing. Basically, they need these particles to travel around in time as well as whatever code Stark cracked. Of course, they only have just enough of these particles for one round trip through time for each of the heroes. Like…I get that they can’t get more because Dr. Pym was snapped, but…they can’t just go back in time and get more from a different version of Pym? I mean they do that later in the film only after everything has gone wrong, but they couldn’t like…do that? The movie only says that the Infinity Stones are what need to be returned to their respective timelines, not any other objects, so like…just go get a lot of Pym Particles in case something goes wrong…? Whatever.

3. Nebula (Karen Gillan) was one of my favorite characters in Infinity War and Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, and she was a complete idiot in this movie. I mean…not only did she know that a past version of Thanos was also looking for the stones in one of the timelines they had to travel to, but she also knew the sacrifice required to get the soul stone and SHE DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ANY OF THEM??? I mean jeez Nebula, that is all information that WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL YESTERDAY. If she had just happened to mention “okay by the way, my dad will also be looking for the stones when we go back to 2014, so just we should keep that in mind. Oh also, past me will also be looking, and since I’m a robot and he can read my memories, I should probably stay behind because past me and current me may be connected and Thanos may be able to figure stuff out from current me’s memories. Oh also also, the soul stone requires you to sacrifice something you love, so maybe we should come up with a game plan for that before we go galavanting off in time. Just maybe.”

4. Cap…*sigh*. This is where the movie unhelpfully breaks its own time travel rules. Cap is sent back (alone for some reason?) to return all the stones to their correct timelines so that …something doesn’t happen. I dunno. So the idea is that he disappears from the platform, and though it’ll be longer for him, he’s supposed to reappear on the platform in the current timeline in 5 seconds. Which…he doesn’t. Instead, Bucky (Sebastian Stan) notices someone sitting on a bench down by the water. Sam (Anthony Mackie) goes to investigate only to discover it’s Cap!! But…old! Apparently Cap went back and then just decided to find Peggy (Hayley Atwell) again and live out his days with her, and then he shows up here and hands off his shield to Sam. It’s a sweet scene but…hang on. If Cap went back to be with Peggy, therefore changing the past, he should be in a completely different timeline now, right? He wouldn’t be able to show up on that bench in the current timeline because he’s not a part of it anymore…right? Please? Somebody? It makes no sense!

I just…my head hurts.

But since the movie doesn’t really bother to explain time travel and then breaks its own time travel rules, I guess we don’t need to worry about it, either. Whatever. Nothing matters.

THE SOUL STONE

Just thinking about this genuinely exhausts me.

Okay…so we got introduced to the soul stone in Infinity War. The idea is that the soul stone demands a soul, a soul for a soul, so on and so forth, sacrifice, huzzah. To prove you’re “worthy” or whatever, you have to sacrifice something you love in order to obtain the stone (sidenote: the wording is always something you love, not someone…so like, could you sacrifice an object and no one would have to die? Your favorite food? Your laptop? I know it’s all “a soul for a soul” but in that case the wording should really be more clear and they should say someone you love. Anyway. I’m getting nit picky now. Moving on).

In Infinity War, the stone is used as a plot point to both kill Gamora (Zoe Saldana) and try to give some humanity to Thanos, I guess, but it fails spectacularly. We’ve already watched Thanos kill all of Gamora’s own people, kidnap her, and abuse her and her sister, and now we have to feel sorry for him because he ultimately murdered her?

No. Sorry.

Anyway, so the frustrating thing here is that Natasha and Clint don’t know this. Because again, NEBULA DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL THEM.

So they head to retrieve the stone with absolutely no idea what it will cost. But the really sucky part is that we as the audience know. So we know before they even meet Red Skull (Ross Marquand) that one of them isn’t getting out of there alive and that just…really sucks. The build-up in Infinity War worked much better because we didn’t know what was coming–unless you read the comics I guess but anyway.

Once they do figure it out, both Natasha and Clint are so full of Hero Complex (TM) that they fight each other in order to sacrifice themselves. Ultimately, they’re both hanging off the edge, and Natasha kicks herself off, forcing Clint to let go of her…and she dies. Clint gets the stone. Yay, I guess.

There are a couple really stupid things about this.

1. Why is it that both characters we’ve seen be sacrificed to the soul stone are women? Why? Is it because women are the more disposable characters? Because they’re not as developed as the men? Because they don’t bring in the big bucks? IS IT BECAUSE OF SEXISM?? Both characters who died here were strong, powerful, no-nonsense women who still had a lot to offer, and instead, they die. Gamora’s death is genuinely sad because she’s straight-up murdered, but Natasha…

2. I am damn sick of heroic sacrifices. It’s just glorified suicide, fam. The whole entire reason Natasha was suddenly feeling useless on the team is that so her death here could be “justified.” See? She’s not useless after all! She can kill herself so that the team can get the magical stone! And it’s okay because she doesn’t have a family like Clint does, so ultimately, it’s just heroic all the way around! Do you know what that tells little girls who admire the Black Widow character? That ultimately, the only thing you can do to be useful is sacrifice yourself? Especially if you’re not living the Ultimate American Dream by having a perfect family and kids?? Have we forgotten everything she did in the past movies??? Yeah. We have.

3. As I mentioned earlier, it’s established that Clint has a family and Natasha doesn’t. When asked if there’s any family she has that they can contact, Banner says that they were her family. They don’t get to be with her anymore, but Clint gets to be with his wife and kids again, so everything’s fine. So…what, found family doesn’t matter as much as blood? That’s nice. This is also coming after the reveal that Natasha was operated on so she can never have kids, and she calls herself a monster because of this. Ummmmm…I have several questions…

4. So…again, in Infinity War, Thanos straight up pushes Gamora off the cliff, thereby actually sacrificing her…so it makes sense when he gets the stone. But Clint doesn’t do that…? Clint doesn’t want to let go of Natasha–she’s the one who kicks off the cliff and forces him to let go of her! She literally kills herself!! Clint didn’t sacrifice shit!!! How does he get the stone after this?? It makes ZERO. SENSE.

I just…this was stupid. It just was. Also–it’s implied that even with ~time travel magic~, they can never get Natasha back because the stone says so I guess? Of course. What even are the rules?? ARE THERE ANY???

No.

THE CHARACTERS’ TREATMENT

So here’s the thing: some of the characterization work was wonderful.

I think it’s why the time hopping segment was my favorite–it was finally, finally like I was watching an Avengers movie. Look at Steve and Tony bantering like always! Look at Banner trying to awkwardly science his way out of non-science situations! Look at Clint and Natasha being friends again! Look at Lang being just an incredibly awkward dork! Look at the teamwork! Ahhhhhh!!

But it’s like everything fell apart in the third act. Like I’m glad that Clint spent the rest of the film absolutely haunted over Natasha’s death even though he was reunited with his family, but you’re honestly going to tell me he didn’t make damn well sure they had a funeral for her like they had for Tony? I guess you could say it’s because he still hadn’t come to terms with her death but like…he did though? He understands she can’t come back (even though I don’t) and he talks about how he wished she knew they had won. He gets it. He also knows Natasha better than anyone else, he knows how much the Avengers meant to her. Why wouldn’t he make sure they have a funeral for her, too?

Don’t even get me started on Captain Marvel. They built up her being in the film and the she’s barely onscreen?? I know it’s because “oh it’s supposed to be the send-off film for the original heroes, she’s not one of them so” like that’s fine but then ADVERTISE IT THAT WAY. This film was not advertised as a “send-off for the original heroes” it was advertised as the “ultimate superhero event” which implies that ALL THE HEROES PARTICIPATE. “But she does participate! She destroys Thanos’s ship and fights him one-on-one!” Yeah, she does! And that all makes sense for her character! What doesn’t make sense is Thanos randomly knocking her out? She’s supposed to be the “most powerful character in the MCU” and she just…got knocked out by one stone? The only reason, THE ONLY REASON, she does not play a bigger role in dispatching Thanos is because the narrative says it has to be one of the original heroes since it’s their send-off. Does it make sense at all when looking at the characters, the narrative up to this point, and the rules set down by the movie itself? No.

And Cap?? CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS AMERICA, CAPTAIN “TILL THE END OF THE LINE,” CAPTAIN “HAVE TO FOCUS ON SAVING THE FUTURE,” CAPTAIN PULLED A LITERAL HELICOPTER OUT OF THE AIR IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD…then just straight-up abandons that friend. Look–I think Steve’s arc with Peggy is wonderfully tragic. I love the idea of time travel opening up a chance for him to be with her, I do. But having him stay there and live out his life? It completely invalidates all his character development involving her up to this point. Her funeral? Pointless. All his personal work on remembering her forever but healthily moving on? Forgotten. He claims he’d do anything for Bucky, his best friend, and he just leaves him behind to go live an entire life without him. He does that to not one good friend, but two! Neither Sam or Bucky deserves that, and that is so, so out of character for Cap. I can believe he’d go back to dance with Peggy-maybe–but he would not stay with her. He would not abandon his friends, his family like that. He did so much to find them again and then he just…abandons them. And Bucky and Steve don’t even talk when Cap is all old or whatever?? Ridiculous.

An interesting point made by YMS on YouTube is that Thanos is especially frustrating in this film because he has no relationship with our heroes. The obnoxious guy from Infinity War who, while still not sympathetic despite filmmakers’ efforts, had a personal seething hatred for each of the Avengers for a specific reason? He was killed within the first…what, 20-30 minutes of the movie? Probably less. It all blurs together when the movie is three hours long. The Thanos they fight at the end of the movie is from the past, and while they know him, he doesn’t know them at all. He knows of them, he knows what they’ve done because of Nebula’s memories, but he doesn’t know them. The battle is kind of half-hearted because he isn’t a personal villain anymore–he’s just annoyed at everyone trying to stop him and that makes him extra annoying. I mean damn, I know he’s not supposed to be likable, but at least make him a good villain for the heroes.

And Tony…Tony getting to make some sort of peace with his dad during the time travel segment was wonderful. Every time we see him be a little more emotional rather than snarky, it’s nice. Like he’s super snarky and sarcastic, but he’s also incredibly soft and loving (fun fact: apparently there’s a clip of Tony kissing Peter on the head when they finally reunite and the Russo brothers cut it because heaven forbid our male heroes have feelings I guess MASCULINITY YEAH and Robert Downey Jr. is mad they cut it. GOOD). It’s one reason why his ultimate sacrifice or whatever is so stupid.

Do you know how many times Tony Stark should have died by now? His whole arc was about finding something to live for. His first sacrifice attempt in the first Avengers makes sense with his arc because he wasn’t quite there yet…this team, these friends, Pepper, adopted son Peter Parker, biological daughter Morgan Stark, he learns that they are all what make life worth living. “Oh but he didn’t have a choice, Dr. Strange told him that there was only one outcome where they win, and it was the one where he dies!”

Nuh-uh.

THE ENDING

The ending of this movie genuinely exhausts me and I hate having to revisit it. As problematic as he sometimes was, as over-the-top ridiculous and selfish, Tony Stark was a great, great character. He was probably my favorite. So yes, some of my anger over the ending purely comes from watching my favorite character die. I mean, it’s never fun, but at least sometimes it’s “justified” at least.

This was not. At all.

Like I mentioned before, Tony Stark has had several very close brushes with death. Most of the Avengers have, really, but Tony’s relationship with it has always been stronger than the others. He should have died in that raid in the beginning of Iron Man. But he didn’t. He should have died when Obadiah ripped out his arc reactor and left him. But he didn’t. He should have died on accident testing out his different suits, honestly. He should have died in Avengers when he flew that missile through the portal. He should have…he should have…he should have…

But he didn’t. Unlike the other Avengers (except for perhaps Black Widow (also maybe Bruce Banner?) but we’ll never know now will we), his story starts with death and it looms over him his entire arc. What is his worst fear when Wanda invades his mind in Age of Ultron? That his team dies. His family. And he’s left alone. Why does he engage in this feud with Cap and Bucky? Because Bucky (albeit brainwashed) was responsible for Tony’s parents’ death, leaving him alone. And Cap knew. What haunts him most after Infinity War? That he watched Peter Parker die in front of him while he could do absolutely nothing about it. He couldn’t stop Peter from dying alone. He couldn’t stop Peter from leaving him alone when he died.

There’s a consistent pattern in Tony’s character arc that was completely thrown out the window with the ending of Endgame. Tony is found at the beginning of the movie, brought back from the brink of death yet again, and he has a chance to start a family. It’s pretty insulting that Clint’s family is built up as this big character point for him, the reason he does everything, the reason Natasha sacrifices herself, and he gets to reunite with them like everything’s fine…while Pepper has to explain to their young daughter that Tony is never coming back. Clint’s family reunion feels hollow in comparison, like it’s wrong to enjoy it. And I’m sure Clint felt the same way–he’s so guilty over Natasha’s death that you can’t honestly tell me he wouldn’t understand how lucky he is to be with his family but how awful it is that Tony can’t be with his–but they don’t bother showing that in the movie.

There’s nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

I’ve mentioned The Magicians before, but I’ll bring it back now in more detail because it unfortunately fits this same situation and trope. Spoilers if you haven’t seen the season 4 finale of Syfy’s The Magicians.

The main character in The Magicians is Quentin. Quentin is, canonically, suicidal and depressed. We meet him in a mental institution where he checked himself in. His depression and his suicidal tendencies are brought up throughout the run of the show. The show runners were praised for featuring a main character who suffers from such things. In the final “battle” of season 4, Quentin uses magic in the “mirror world” knowing full-well that it may cost him his life, but it will save his friends. He dies. He is shown how his friends are remembering him, he is told how much he changed their lives, he is told how loved he was. And then that’s it.

No matter how the show runners tried to phrase it in interviews, there’s no getting around the fact that Quentin ultimately committed suicide. In the afterlife, he flat-out says “did I save my friends…or did I finally find a way to kill myself?”

The idea of the heroic sacrifice trope is nice, I’ll admit, since it seems like such a logical peak for a heroic arc; but it’s so overused by this point that we all expect it. How many movies do we assume the character is dead after they make some sort of sacrifice? Usually they’re not actually dead, but lately, creators seem to think that that’s not “shocking” enough, and what audiences really want is to watch their favorite heroes actually die. At least it’s heroic!! And it’s subversive!! No one ever does that!! I know they have friends and family and a great character arc that involves not wanting to die but that was all for shock value!!!!

There is nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

“But it’s realism! People die in real life all the time! Not everyone can survive, I mean come on!”

Okay first of all: you really wanna talk to me about realism in your stories about magic, scientists who become big green monsters when they get angry, people who get superpowers from spider-bites, and gods of thunder and mischief? Really?

Secondly–there’s a great G.K. Chesterton quote that Neil Gaiman paraphrases in Coraline that reads: “fairy tales are more than true–not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.”

I don’t need my very unrealistic media to tell me that sometimes people die. I’m well aware of that fact, believe me. What I want to see is people like me who, against all odds, are able to overcome things like that. In a universe with time travel, super-beings, and TALKING TREES, it’s almost insulting to be told that the ONLY time where the Avengers won and Thanos was beaten is the time where Tony sacrifices himself.

And the only reason they did it that way is because Tony Stark had to have a send-off. But he couldn’t have a happy send-off like Captain America, filled with dances and love and peace, oh no. Tony, who has feared death his whole life, had to die. He leaves behind a wife, a young daughter, and a band of fiercely upset friends. His family. There is no reason why Captain Marvel, the “most powerful hero in the MCU,” couldn’t have wielded the stones instead of Tony. Tony Stark is still a human. Captain Marvel is not–she can fly through space without a helmet and fly through an entire alien ship to destroy it. She could easily have wielded the stones and survived (yeah it almost killed Thanos and Hulk to do it BUT IT DIDN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HUMAN). The only reason she didn’t is because they needed some subversive perma-death and what better way to wrap up this Marvel arc than by killing off the man who started it all?

I genuinely don’t want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home at this point because that means I have to watch precious, deserves-so-much-better-than-this Peter Parker deal with yet another father figure’s death. It was hard enough watching Tony deal with Peter’s death. But they got one hug–and now Peter lost someone else. No wonder he doesn’t want to bring the spider-man suit on the school trip, I wouldn’t wanna be Spider-Man after that either.

…also, can we talk about Tony’s funeral? How absolutely no one is crying? How all the characters just stand there in black looking solemn? TONY’S OWN DAUGHTER ISN’T EVEN CRYING.

There is no reason why Tony Stark couldn’t have quietly retired from being Iron Man to live out his days peacefully with his family. He’d already done it for 5 years. If anyone deserves a soft epilogue, it is Tony Stark.

WRAPPING UP

Look, this movie has three full hours of material for me to be upset about, and clearly, I am.

There are still things I loved. Time travel plot? Fun! Wacky! Needlessly ridiculous!

Thor crowning Valkyrie as the new leader of Asgard? Perfect! She deserves it! Excellent!

All the women heroes (except Black Widow and Gamora since they’re only good for sacrifices) teaming up to get Captain Marvel across the battlefield? Unbelievably wonderful! Give me a movie of just that! Incredible!

Special effects? It’s a very pretty movie! It all looked very super!

But none of that makes up for the mess that is the final product. There are so many plot holes (Natasha killed herself so Clint never made a sacrifice and still got the stone? Cap took Mjolnir back in time with him and then…what? How was Nebula able to just stick her tech fingers in the time travel machine and bring Thanos? Why didn’t Nebula warn anyone about past Thanos or the Soul Stone sacrifice? Why did Cap abandon Bucky and Sam? Why was no one crying at Tony’s funeral? Why did no one use actual teamwork on Thanos like they did in Infinity War because that was the closest they ever got to being able to take the gauntlet off? I could keep going but I digress).

I think that superhero movies can be phenomenal. Look at Black Panther. Look at Avengers. Look at Iron Man. But I genuinely think it’s difficult to write a big superhero mashup movie because…there are too many superheroes. Seriously. It’s hard to write a villain that can genuinely overpower all of those super beings. It’s probably why Captain Marvel was MIA the whole movie. It’s why no actual teamwork was used. It’s why Tony Stark “had to die.” Superheroes, in their own universes, have powers that are explained and make sense (generally). It’s exciting to think of combining those heroes and having them team up to face off against a villain, but there are so many rules and powers that it’s hard to keep track of them all.

Generally, I feel like Endgame had a whole lot of excitement building up to it, and it just fell flat. It’s crushing box office records and that makes sense, it’s not so much a movie as it is an event. It’s not so much a movie as it is a chance to show off the special effects (and they were great!). It’s not so much a movie as it is a money-maker.

But there has to be more to a movie than just the visuals and the audio. You can decorate a cardboard box to look like the most appetizing cake in the world, but at the end of the day, you’re just going to be eating pretty cardboard.

The point of Endgame was not to tell a story. It was not to tie up loose ends. It was not to give satisfying conclusions to the character arcs of the original heroes who are leaving. The point was to make money. The point was to sell tickets. The point was to be a product.

And it worked.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Like I said, I have a couple favorites, but I am such a sucker for the trope of “WE HAVE A CLEAR PLAN IT IS FOOL-PROOF” and then it’s followed by “THIS IS ALL WRONG WE ARE THE FOOLS!!!”

It was the one part of the movie that was just fun and hopeful, even when everything went sideways and hilarity ensued.

“OOF” MOMENT

Too many to name, so instead have a happy Tony Stark. That’s what I’d rather have tbh.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

No.

I mean I know a lot of people like it, but I also know that some have had the same complaints and reactions that I did. And here’s the thing–studios don’t care about that. They don’t care about your opinion, especially if you didn’t like it. You still gave them money, and that’s all that matters to them.

If this doesn’t sound like a movie you’d enjoy, obviously don’t see it. There’s nothing about it that’s noteworthy if you’re not a superhero person (unlike, say, Black Panther).

If you’re a casual Marvel fan and this sounds like a disappointment, do not see it.

Here’s the really shitty thing about the whole “don’t spoil the endgame” campaign: they made sure you went to go see the movie just so you could know what happened. They made you feel small for not seeing it before the “spoiler lift” for the media. They made you feel like a bad fan for not supporting all these actors you love and have supported in the past.

You had to give them the money they wanted just so you could enjoy a story that ultimately fell flat. They didn’t make this movie for you–they made it for the awards, the accolades.

I genuinely regret seeing this movie in theaters. This film, which does not function well as a standalone movie at all, toppled Titanic in box office numbers.

(“But Titanic is dumb because they both could have fit on that board!!” Yeah well this movie is dumb because Tony Stark and Black Widow didn’t have to die. At least Titanic gave the characters some depth and heart.)

I will not be seeing this movie again. I love re-watching Marvel movies because it’s fun and up till now, they’ve been good. They’ve felt like character studies more than anything else, and that’s what drew me in. This movie? This treats its characters–and its audience–as products.

If you liked it, that’s wonderful. If you’re happy with how things played out, that’s great. If you don’t regret spending money on this, I’m jealous, that’s awesome.

As for me, I can’t wait for creators to go back to giving us stories with heart and characters that are treated with respect. You can have great special effects in a film, but your movie cannot stand on special effects alone.

Anyway, all in all, I give Avengers: Endgame…

2/5 CHARACTERS WHO DESERVED BETTER!!

Don’t get me wrong though–all the characters deserved better. These are just the ones I’m most angry about. And Shuri. Did she even have any lines in this movie? Unbelievable. Also Peter Parker. Don’t even bring him up. I’ll just think about how his voice broke when he saw Tony dying and how he had to lose a father-figure all over again and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP DOING THIS TO HIM HE IS A CHILD.

At this rate, the only way I’ll be excited for another Marvel movie is if they truly do a next gen thing with Peter Parker, Morgan Stark, Cassie Lang, and Clint’s daughter whose name I forgot. Sam can be their really tired leader who is Too Old For This.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Mostly repeats, but the two new ones are:

Gemini Man, which looks…interesting? Generally I’m always ready to hop on the Will Smith sci-fi train, I just really wanna know if this movie has an actual plot or not.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker which I’ll be seeing because I have generally enjoyed the new trilogy. Also I want to cry about Carrie Fisher.

And that about does it for this review!

I’m ready to stop thinking about this movie, personally. Every time I think about it I just

It exhausts me.

I wanted to like it, but I just left the theater feeling so hollow…much to the chagrin of the AMC worker asking people what they thought. I don’t think he wanted an actual answer and was just being nice, but I’m socially awkward so how was I supposed to know.

Anyway, if this really does sound like something you would actually like, then sure, go see Endgame. But if you’re able to survive without seeing it, and trust me…you are able to survive without seeing it, I say skip it. Really. Please don’t give them anymore money.

(Sidenote: did you hear about how the Russo brothers claim that one of the MCU characters is secretly gay??? *GASP*

Plot twist: it’s Natasha. Because she’s dead. Can’t have happy representation. #buryyourgaysIguess.)

Captain Marvel REVIEW

PlayerOne1 Comment

EYYYYY it’s been a hot second, huh?

So about a…couple weeks ago, I took myself and my dad (pretty much the only family member who will see superhero movies with me) to the movies and we saw Captain Marvel, the 21st (22nd? I hear conflicting reports) film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the 1st MCU film to center around a woman hero. So that’s. Good.

I don’t generally follow all the DC vs. Marvel discourse, but I do know at the very least that Marvel has been supremely more successful with their cinematic releases than DC has. That being said-can you believe that DC released a woman-led superhero movie before Marvel? And it was GOOD??

Anyway. I was relatively excited just because I generally like superhero movies, I really like Brie Larson, and I am all for movies with a female lead (I think that was well-established by my Miss Bala review). That being said, I wasn’t like…immensely excited. I mean, I thought it would probably be good, but let’s think about how Marvel has dealt with its female superhero characters…

Yeah.

I am happy to report, however, that I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. So, without further ado, let’s dive into Captain Marvel.

THE PLOT

The movie begins with an actual explosion. Everything is all slow-motion-y and dramatic as our leading lady herself (Brie Larson) looks around, confused. She sees an older woman standing near her (Annette Bening) and someone else approaching with some sort of space gun thing. She then wakes up, and we formally meet her as Vers, a member of the Kree (some sort of alien race, for those of you who are admittedly as uneducated as I am about these details). She then goes to train with her mentor, Yon-Rogg (Jude Law). During the fight, their conversation reveals that Vers desperately wants to be a fully-recognized soldier, but Yon-Rogg says she lets her emotions control her actions too often and therefore, she isn’t ready. He says something about how once she’s able to defeat him without using her sparkle fist powers, then she’ll be ready.

Vers then meets with “Supreme Intelligence,” the leader of the Kree. No one knows what they really look like, they take the form of the person you most admire. For Vers, she sees the woman from her dream, though she doesn’t actually remember who she is. Supreme Intelligence basically says “yeah sure you can be a soldier and go on this mission but remember we gave you your sparkle fists and we can take them away too k have fun byeeee.”

Vers, Yon-Rogg, and the rest of their team are tasked with recovering an operative trapped on another planet. The Kree are in the middle of a war with another alien race, the Skrulls, and they’re fighting because apparently the Skrulls keep taking over planets and massacring everyone they come across. Yon-Rogg emphasizes how dangerous this mission is and like…I dunno they’re all emotionless alien soldiers so they all just nod like “yep.”

Anyway, the group splits up upon arrival and Vers comes across what she thinks is the Kree operative, but oh SNAP it’s actually a Skrull because they’re SHAPESHIFTERS. The other inhabitants the Kree come across turn out to also be Skrulls and it’s a full-out ambush. Vers gets captured. The Skrulls poke around in her head and she has a whole lot of memories and flashbacks that she does not remember at all. It turns out the Skrulls are looking for the woman from her dreams, whose name is Dr. Wendy Lawson. Vers manages to knock out the Skrulls keeping her captive with her sparkle fists and she escapes, crash-landing onto…EARTH.

Because this takes place sometime in the 90’s, she crash-lands into a Blockbuster Video (all together now…*in the aaaaarms of the angels, fly awaaaaaaay* RIP Blockbuster, forever in our hearts). Her crash, her space outfit, and her general demeanor alert a CGI’d-to-be-young Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), who begins chasing her down with, wait for it, AGENT COULSON (Clark Gregg). It takes some time and some deep conversations for Fury and Vers to really bond and trust each other, but soon they decide they’re on the same team and it’s up to them to figure out what’s really going on with the Kree and the Skrulls, and who Vers really is.

THE REVIEW

So like I mentioned above, I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. I genuinely enjoyed it. Again, I tend to like superhero movies anyway, but I would say this is one you can enjoy even if you’re not typically a superhero fan. Like Wonder Woman and Black Panther before it, I think it offers a whole lot more as a film than just the whole “super person wears a funky outfit and fights bad guys with a quirky ensemble” thing.

Was it perfect? Not necessarily. I don’t think it’s a must-see like Black Panther, but it has a lot to offer. Plus, it made a lot of older white guys mad for some reason, so you know it’s probably a good idea to support it somehow.

The characters were all really likable, the plot twists were interesting, and all of the “girl power” moments were incredibly satisfying. All of the gags with Goose the cat were immensely enjoyable, and I do appreciate how the main relationship in Carol’s life was her best friend.

Also-the costume design. I mean, I know it’s crazy, but it is possible to have a woman superhero NOT wear a skin-tight outfit. I just. It’s insane. People have also pointed out that all of the Kree soldiers have the same outfit. Vers and Minn-Erva don’t get special designs that hug their bodies more, are more revealing, or in any way highlight the fact that they are women. It’s all the same because they are ALL Kree soldiers!

Even when Carol swaps her Kree gear for some human clothing, she doesn’t go for a dress, or shorts, or something skin-tight. It’s boots, loose jeans, a grungy t-shirt, and a leather jacket–and she STILL looks amazing and comfortable and she can STILL FIGHT. None of her fight scenes or actions in her human outfit are unbelievable because it does look like she could naturally pull all of it off. I didn’t fully appreciate how much of a breath of fresh air that all was until I re-watched some of the other Marvel films this past week to prep for Endgame and…pretty much all of Black Widow and Scarlet Witch’s costumes make me want to cry. It’s so unnecessarily just CLEAVAGE. ALL THE TIME.

(Now yes, to be fair, Steve has some very tight shirts of his own, which…I mean, it’s all a choice, okay)

But what exactly were the specific details that made the movie so good? What exactly made it just a good time to watch?

Let’s blast our way through the specifics, which means spoiler warning is now in effect!

(My pun game is…not as sharp as it once was when I started all of this)

THE MUSIC

As always, we begin with my favorite element: the music!

Much of the music didn’t really stand out to me in the beginning, admittedly. There was nothing I particularly noticed that stood out, at least at first. I mean, I feel like there’s a whole separate genre of cinematic music now that is just “it’s for a superhero movie; it’s heroic-sounding.”

That being said, the track “More Problems” (composer: Pindar Toprak) is phenomenal–a little over 8 minutes of what sounds like what would happen if a victorious battle cry was orchestrated. I believe it underscores most of the final act of the film (again, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen it) when Carol learns the truth about everything and goes after Jude Law who DEFINITELY deserves it.

The other musical moment I really loved is during one of the final fights when “Just a Girl” plays. It’s such a Captain Marvel song, too; you can tell she’s having fun finally embracing her full identity and taking it out on the people who lied to her for years. Plus, it serves as a really poignant jab at the fact that this is the 21ST (or 22ND) MARVEL FILM AND THE FIRST CENTERED AROUND A WOMAN SUPERHERO. WHY.

THE CHARACTERS

For the most part, I felt all the characters were incredibly well-done for the purpose they served.

A lot of the film, I remember thinking that Carol herself wasn’t that well-developed, but that ties into the film perfectly–for a lot of it, we see her the only way she knows herself: a Kree warrior whose only goal is to go out on real missions to prove herself. As more of her memories get uncovered, however, we learn about her personality and what makes her who she is at the exact same time she does. We get connected to her as a character because we go through things right along with her, and I LOVE it.

(To go off for a moment here, I mentioned in my Alita: Battle Angel review that one of the things that really bugged me about the movie is that it was like in order for Alita to be a good hero and protagonist, she had to squash all of her emotions because it was the only way to move forward. I don’t think it made her relatable at all, it just further alienated her from me and I cared less and less about what happened to her or her story. Carol has a similar moment where she learns exactly what happened in her past, she’s at her lowest point, but instead of shoving it all deep inside her and refusing to acknowledge it, instead she uses that pain to move forward and be stronger because of it. She went through something awful and she lost someone incredibly dear to her; both characters did. What matters is how they were written to handle it, and it makes all the difference)

Baby Nick Fury was an absolute delight, and he had such an interesting arc over the course of a single film. We see him go from doubter and rule-follower to believer and fighter, and honestly it makes his meme line in Avengers all the funnier now. I mean: “I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.” You just KNOW that’s something he’d say that Carol would both be proud of him for and also tease him about. We’ve seen Fury as a leader in the other Marvel films, albeit not a perfect leader, but that’s part of what makes him such a good character. He’s just as flawed as the heroes he tries to be in charge of, but you can tell he’s weighed down by red tape and decisions that are beyond his control. Here, we get to see him be not only young and inexperienced, we get to see him form a real friendship with someone. The post-credits scene is phenomenal for this very reason; Carol and Fury have a fascinating bond, so when she shows up to confront the Avengers and Fury is nowhere in sight? Of course she’s pissed.

Maria is a wonderful character and a great best friend for Carol. I loved her the instant she came on-screen and she didn’t disappoint the entire film. She really brings humanity to Carol before she remembers everything, so she’s a perfect addition to Carol and Fury as a team. (Side note: there’s not an explicit romance in Captain Marvel, but many fans have pointed out that Carol and Maria are incredibly close, although they just say best friends. Then again, as one fan pointed out on tumblr, the film takes place right in the middle of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”…Carol and Maria were both in the military….speaks for itself. Plus, Brie Larson frequently retweets fan art of Captain Marvel either with Maria or Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie, SOOOOOOOOOOO…..).

Jude Law’s Yon-Rogg is yet another great character; he does such a good job at playing trustworthy in the beginning, and yet it’s totally believable when he’s revealed to be the real bad guy all along (is this why older white guys/white guys in general didn’t like the film? Because the white guy was the villain? Is that it?). He’s absolutely malicious in his final fight with Carol. Speaking of, that whole moment when Yon-Rogg says “I TOLD YOU THAT ONE DAY YOU’D HAVE TO PROVE YOURSELF TO ME BY BEATING ME WITHOUT USING YOUR POWERS WELL TODAY IS THAT DAY–” and Carol just decimates him with her sparkle fists and says “I don’t have to prove anything to you” that is ICONIC I AM LIVING.

The only character I feel wasn’t as developed as the others is Dr. Wendy Lawson, and that’s a shame since she’s supposed to be a big icon and inspiration in Carol’s life. We know she was intent on ending wars rather than fighting them, and she knew what the Kree really were compared to the Skrulls. So she’s clearly like, perfect, but we don’t see much of her. She’s featured silently in some memories of Carol’s, she does talk in at least once other, but most of her appearances in the film are actually when we see Carol talking with the Kree Supreme Intelligence.

“But Filmennial!” I hear you say, “you could just read the comics, and then you’d learn all there is to know about Dr. Lawson/Mar-Vell!” To which I say,

No.

That’s the nice thing about Marvel movies: they’re generally enjoyable even if you haven’t read all of the comics. There are so many, y’all. Plus there are different authors and timelines and I just…

No.

THE TWIST

The twist(s?) was very welcome, like I mentioned earlier, and it was an interesting commentary. Like Carol, we as the audience (unless you’ve read the ~comics~ I suppose (but seriously no offense, and I admire your dedication, I really do)) are brainwashed. We accept that the Kree are the good guys and the Skrulls are the bad guys because that’s all we know. It’s played out brilliantly, too; the good guys are soldiers, they look strong and proud, they go on missions to protect the galaxy from evil. We naturally want to trust them (isn’t that what we do in America, too?). On the opposite end, you have the Skrulls. Not only can they shape shift, thereby branding them instantly untrustworthy as they could be anyone, their natural form is much more alien than the Kree. Many of the Kree have blue skin, yes, but they still look human to some degree; the Skrulls look LITERALLY alien in comparison. They have green skin, weird Thanos chins, they’re bald, and they have pointy ears. Just based off of looks alone, they’re different, and our natural reaction is to believe they’re evil because they’re unrecognizable.

It’s disconcerting then to both Carol AND the audience when it’s revealed that the Skrulls are actually refugees; they are just searching for a peaceful planet to call home because not only did the Kree destroy their home, they keep hunting them to maintain their image (and just because they want to). Everything we’ve been told up to this point, everything we believed in, is a lie.

So then Carol finds out that not only was her mentor, Dr. Lawson, Kree herself, she was trying to end the war between the Kree and the Skrulls because there shouldn’t even be a war to begin with. It wasn’t the Skrulls that killed Dr. Lawson the day Carol was with her; it was none other than Yon-Rogg, Kree himself, and Carol’s mentor when she was training to be a Kree warrior. Her powers were not given to her by the Kree, it was an accident because she blew up the power source the Kree were after at Dr. Lawson’s request and ended up fusing with it. Yon-Rogg saw this and kidnapped her, essentially, purely hungry for the power Carol now possessed.

All of this is what makes the final fight sequences so fun and satisfying to watch. Carol takes her Kree uniform and has Maria’s daughter change the colors so it is all her own now (side note, Yon-Rogg asks “what have you done to your uniform” when he sees her again but like…it was a feature of the suit? Why did they build it with that feature if they didn’t want people to change them ever? It’s fine). She uses her powers, unafraid for the first time ever, and takes out everyone who lied to her so she can protect the ones they hunt.

Also, there are great moments in the final fight where Goose shows off his real identity as a Flerken, a terrifying and deadly alien being. So, a cat.

THE GIRL POWER

Captain Marvel does not shy away from its central messages of peace and girl power at all. It’s worth dwelling on the fact that Carol and Maria’s mentor in the military was a doctor who only wanted to end wars, not fight them. They wanted to work under her for that very reason, and also since they are women, they weren’t allowed to be actual pilots, and since that’s all they really wanted to be, this was their only way to get in the air.

Captain Marvel, as a character, specializes in ending wars. The Avengers, as a group and as a series, always seem to be a little more occupied with fighting wars rather than trying to find the best way to end them. Not always, of course, but compare this to Captain America’s origin film: the whole reason he signed up for the super soldier experiment is because it was the only way he could fight. It’s all he wanted to do…ever, basically. Iron Man started off wanting to quit building weapons so that the bad guys couldn’t get a hold of them, but then he ended up building a bunch of iron man suit weapons that the bad guys got a hold of time and time again anyways. There’s a reason why these two were the headliners for Captain America: Civil War.

It’s why I’m so, so glad that Captain Marvel will be joining the crew for Endgame, because if anyone can end the infinity war, it’s her.

I mentioned above that there’s a whole fight sequence underscored by No Doubt’s “Just a Girl,” but that’s only one of the ways the film focuses on the idea of girl power. As previously stated, Carol and Maria weren’t allowed to be pilots simply because they were women. There’s a real gross flashback where some drunk soldier tells Carol that “it’s called a cockpit for a reason” which just…ew. There’s a scene where some guy tells Carol that she should smile, which I DEARLY hope was added in after the whole “guys complained that Captain Marvel doesn’t smile enough in the released footage and posters” thing. Probably not, but it was an extra funny scene just recalling that–and the look Carol gives him? ICONIC.

There are subtler things, too, that I don’t think everyone would catch. Throughout the film, Carol is told that her sparkle fist powers are a nuisance, a problem, that she should be able to fight without them. She should hide her powers so she doesn’t stand out, and the only way to do that is to control her emotions. How often do we hear complaints, jabs, and jokes that women are “too emotional” to get anything done?

It’s so refreshing, then, to see Carol go full-out with her powers and to embrace the emotions that got her to where she is. In her final confrontation with the Kree Supreme Intelligence, when Carol is being told that she should be grateful to the Kree for saving her since she’s only human…Carol uses that against the Supreme Intelligence. She embraces her identity as a human, a broken, emotional, angry human, and it’s only after she accepts all of that that she is able to overpower the Supreme Intelligence and the rest of the Kree.

Then Yon-Rogg, her Kree mentor, her friend, says that she must prove herself to him? After what she learned that he did? Nahhhhhhh.

Captain Marvel tells little girls watching that not only can they be superheroes too, but that they can be superheroes no matter what they’re feeling or who they are.

One of my favorite marketing things for this film will always be when they layer “see what makes her a hero”–they show the word “her” first, and then the other letters fade in to spell “a hero.” Captain Marvel is a woman first, with everything that entails, and a superhero second.

FAVORITE MOMENT

I’m so torn between Carol saying “you’re right–I’m only human” and then blasting the Supreme Intelligence away because that was SO SATISFYING and when she blasts Yon-Rogg away after saying “I have nothing to prove to you.” I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH, ENDGAME IS GONNA BE GREAT, Y’ALL.

I mean actually Endgame is probably just gonna be a lot of pain. But at least it’ll be pain featuring CAPTAIN MARVEL!! YEAH!!!

“OOF” MOMENT

Genuinely, nothing stands out to me as awkward or unfortunate. My one nitpick is still about Wendy Lawson as a character, but that’s not really a “moment” thing.

I mean there was the moment when Goose scratched Fury’s eye. But that “oof” was more of a sympathy “oof” because I too have a vicious cat creature who would do that if given the chance.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Well I’m late again, so if it’s still playing where you are, then yes, I think you should. Again, I don’t think it’s as much of a must-see as Black Panther (#BESTPICTUREINMYHEART), but it is a damn good time. Loose ends are tied up (rare for a Marvel movie), everything is satisfying, and it’s funny just as much as it’s poignant.

I don’t think you’ll regret going to see it, unless you’re offended that it’s not “for you,” in which case I dunno how to help you, fam.

All in all, I give Captain Marvel…

4.5/5 CATS THAT ARE ACTUALLY FLERKENS!!

Well, that last one is definitely a Flerken, hence the tentacles. The other ones MIGHT be normal cats…

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

I don’t remember if there were any repeat trailers (again, it’s been a while, and they all kind of blur together at some point?) but as for newbies we have: Long Shot, which like…okay, I think it looks kind of fun. It has every potential to be absolutely terrible, and I’m prepared for that, but honestly it has been a while since there looks to be a semi-good new romantic comedy and I just want that, okay?

Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw is…a movie. I’ve never really followed the Fast and Furious franchise to begin with, and though it looks really tongue-in-cheek and kind of fun and full of banter, I’m sure it’s also full of pointless explosions and car chases and god knows what else. Which like, again…it’s a choice.

There was a new trailer for Dark Phoenix and guys…it’s just Frozen. That’s it. Girl with powers, girl scared of powers, girl struggles with controlling her powers, girl hurts family/friend because of this, girl blames herself…so on and so forth. I’m assuming there won’t be singing and dancing and living snowmen, but it’s basically the same, right?

Rocketman looks amazing and I will absolutely be seeing it.

Oh hey, speaking of Frozen, Frozen II is a thing that’s happening. I genuinely don’t know how to feel about it. I mean I’ll see it, obviously, but like…what even is the trailer? What is happening? Why is Elsa running into the ocean? Why are there new people? Why does Anna kill the cameraman? Whatever.

And with that, we come to the end of this review! I definitely enjoyed Captain Marvel and felt really empowered by the end, which I think is important. If it sounds like something you’d enjoy and it’s still playing at your theater, I highly recommend you take yourself to the movies and see Captain Marvel.

Also, boost the reviews and ticket sales so all the old bitter white guys who were complaining about it get even MORE mad.

How to Train Your Dragon: the Hidden World REVIEW

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This poster is deceitfully charming and does not prepare you for all the crying

So like…a couple weeks ago (almost a month ago…wow…), I took myself (and the parents) to the movies to see How to Train Your Dragon: the Hidden World!

I know what you’re thinking: “wait didn’t that movie come out like…ages ago why are you like this” to which I say, until I get paid to write these things, occasionally my actual job will take priority and will run My Entire Life.

Anyway, if for some reason you haven’t seen this yet and are still thinking about it (like I am) and want to know my thoughts, HERE YA GO.

I cried. A Lot.

Remember when animated movies weren’t super pretty and astounding and NOW

THE PLOT

Sometime nearby before the second movie, Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) & Co. (Astrid (America Ferrera), Snotlout (Jonah Hill), Ruffnut (Kristen Wiig), Tuffnut (Justin Rupple), Fishlegs (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), and Valka (Cate Blanchett)) are chasing down Vikings who capture dragons so they can free them and take them back to Berk. This raid we see goes well-ish, although there’s one dragon who purposely hides herself so she doesn’t get freed (it’s unclear why she does this, I mean she has this ability, but wouldn’t she want to be free? It’s possible she’s just real wary of humans, and after we meet Grimmel (F. Murray Abraham), it’s understandable why). One of the Vikings on the ship makes an Angry Face as the group flies off, so we know that’s gonna come back to bite them. Hiccup introduces the new dragon recruits to Berk, which has become a paradise for dragons and humans alike (sort of). Toothless is still the Alpha Dragon (as we saw from the last movie) and sort of keeps all the other dragons in line. Gobber (Craig Ferguson) complains to Hiccup that he can’t keep bringing dragons back here because it makes them real vulnerable to attacks and also it’s just real crowded and dragons keep bathing in the soup. He also says that it’s about time Hiccup and Astrid got married, to which there’s a lot of awkward fanfare.

We catch up with the Angry Face Viking from earlier, who apparently works with this big Viking council that we’re only just now learning exists, and they’re all real bitter that Berk has become so peace-and-dragon-loving because they keep releasing the dragons they unfairly capture and that’s just Rude. This is where we meet Grimmel, the main villain. He’s real gaunt and evil-looking, and has these two scorpion-dragons that chillax with him. He doesn’t really care about everyone else’s problems with Berk and Hiccup as chief until they mention that Hiccup’s dragon is a Night Fury. I guess Grimmel is the reason we don’t see any other Night Furies-he killed ‘em all. He takes this pretty personally and vows to destroy Toothless and Hiccup and all of Berk or whatever, and he plans to use the dragon from earlier (the one who hid and didn’t go with the other dragons being freed) to lure Toothless into a trap.

Hiccup, meanwhile, has a lot of flashbacks to when he was a kid (which means we get to see Stoick (Gerard Butler!) again!!). In a very The Lion King moment, Stoick holds a young Hiccup in his arms as he looks out at the sunrise and talks about how one day, Hiccup will be chief of all of this. He also talks about something called “the Hidden World” which is a brand new plot device and apparently where all dragons come from/live/hide/something, it’s not really explained (remember how in the first movie, the dragon lair they found was supposed to be the main source of dragons? Now it’s the Hidden World). Hiccup decides that this Hidden World is their best chance, and that the way to fix everything is to straight up move Berk to the Hidden World, where humans and dragons can live secretly in peace.

Everyone else thinks this is crazy, but they go along with it (albeit kinda unwillingly) because Hiccup is the chief. Grimmel, however, is hot on their tail (PUN INTENDED) at every move, and he always seems to be three steps ahead of them. He introduces Toothless to the Light Fury (which Hiccup calls a “Bright Fury” at first which like I thought that was pretty good, that could’ve stuck, c’mon), and then the rest of the film is a tense back-and-forth between Hiccup, Grimmel, and the dragons these Vikings have begun to call friends.

Determination.jpg

THE REVIEW

I am full of emotions, y’all.

I’m part of a group of people that really kinda grew up with this franchise and these characters (the first movie came out when I was 13) so there’s something especially bittersweet here for me. It reminds me of when the last Harry Potter book came out, and then when the last movie came out…it feels a little like the ending of an era. Now, I realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean the end; it is Hollywood, after all! The Harry Potter universe is giving us Fantastic Beasts currently, and there’s every chance that more dragon movies will be made about the next generation, or even other characters.

Still, though, there’s nothing quite like the book closing on the original storyline.

I’m always skeptical about sequels, especially when it comes to a movie I love, because sometimes I feel they’re so unnecessary and just serve as a cash-grab for the company. I honestly would have been perfectly fine with just the first How to Train Your Dragon, except that both sequels do such a beautiful job with expanding the world and the characters (sometimes it kills them, but We Don’t Talk About That).

Still, as good as both How to Train Your Dragon 2 and The Hidden World are, they’re not the first movie. The first movie will always be one of my favorite movies ever, and at least in my opinion, the two sequels never quite live up to it. Are they still amazing? ABSOLUTELY. I also know that I’m alone in thinking the first movie is better than the second (and third). Maybe I’m just bitter about it all ending; it’s hard to watch characters you love grow up and change, and make hard decisions in their world that end up affecting everything.

The point is, this is a great movie and a great end to a great series. I don’t think it’s quite as good as the first movie, but it’s still absolutely incredible.

Plus, crying. Lots of crying. So much crying.

I’m still crying.

So without further ado, let’s soar into what exactly makes this movie so incredible, and an excellent send-off to our favorite dork and his dragon.

Spoiler warning now in effect!!

LOOK EVERYTHING IS FINE AND HAPPY AND SHINY AND NOTHING WILL GO WRONG EVER AT ALL I SWEAR

THE MUSIC

Y’ALL.

So full disclosure, John Powell is one of my favorite composers, and the original How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack is definitely one of my favorites. It was the first soundtrack album I bought (kind of a moot point now that I use Spotify for everything, but back in high school it MEANT SOMETHING), I listen to it constantly even now, I recommended we play the music in high school band…I have a very strong connection to the original soundtrack, basically, if you couldn’t tell.

That is why every time the original theme started playing, I was basically already crying. It’s like when they used Hedwig’s theme in the last Harry Potter movie when sad things were happening-they used our own nostalgia against us!

And actually, it’s a genius move, no complaints here. Lots of tears, maybe, but no complaints!

There were lots of new things in the soundtrack that separated the story from its predecessors without taking anything away from it, in my opinion. It was adventurous and emotional and made me want a dragon friend to fly around on. That could be said of the whole movie series, really.

By far my favorite character detail aside from their frog faces is that their arms go out real wide and then they suddenly have tiny little claw hands LOOK AT THEM I LOVE THEM

THE CHARACTERS

Again, it’s How to Train Your Dragon, so the characters are all lovable and great (except for the villain, of course, and we’ll get to him).

Hiccup has always been a fascinating lead-he’s not the typical Viking we all think of, and he remains that way throughout the series. He believes in loving and rescuing the dragons above all else, and he really only engages in combat if he feels he has to (or if someone dear to him has been threatened or something). But what’s interesting about Hiccup in this film is that we get to see him truly struggling to fill his father’s shoes as the leader. We see him truly dealing with his father’s absence, shown particularly in flashbacks with his dad when he was super small. His big conflict in the film is that he knows he’s not his father, but he truly doesn’t know who he is besides the guy who saves dragons. So when he’s faced with the idea of losing Toothless, it’s a real roadblock for him. Astrid has a great conversation about who he is without Toothless-still a whole person. Hiccup has dealt with a lot of loss in his life-first his mom, then he found Toothless. Then he found his mom again, but lost his dad. Now he’s faced with losing Toothless, and there’s no real replacement for him. His mom is here again, but she’s been there at this point. Astrid is there, but again, she’s been there as well. There’s no one new Hiccup can focus on to help him get past the pain of loss…or is there? Hiccup’s arc in this film is all about him finding himself. He is the new person he has to love and accept to help him get over and deal with losing Toothless. I’m a strong believer in self-love (and I struggle a lot with it myself) so this was an incredibly personal part of the movie for me.

I would argue that none of the other characters have quite the arc that Hiccup has-none of them are growing and changing in quite the way that he is. Snotlout is in love with Hiccup’s mom for some…reason…Ruffnut and Tuffnut are delightful little dorks as always (Ruff’s capture and Tuff’s beard are absolutely two of my favorite plot points), Gobber is still the supportive gruff guy we all know and love, Fishlegs has a little baby dragon the whole time and it’s super cute (DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THAT AT THE END HE MADE HIMSELF A LITTLE STUFFED VERSION OF THE BABY DRAGON HE GAVE UP BECAUSE EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT I CRY SOME MORE)…and of course, there’s Astrid. Astrid has always been a great character in my opinion, and her relationship with Hiccup has always been incredible to watch.

One of my favorite elements of the series is that Hiccup and Astrid never have any crazy relationship drama? We see how much they are friends as much as they are lovers, and it’s such a good, positive relationship model. When they’re married at the end, it’s made very clear they are leading Berk as equals. Would it have been great to get a little more individual development for Astrid? Yeah, of course. But their relationship isn’t the centerpiece for the films, nor should it be. How to Train Your Dragon has always, always been about friendship, especially when it comes to humans and nature.

Before we go forth to discuss the dragon characters, I have to touch on our main baddie, Grimmel. He’s…he’s a jerk you guys. And in a weirdly uncharacteristic move for this franchise, he’s not redeemable. The past films have always had some kind of arc for the “villain” so that we learn about them and they are allowed to grow and change. Grimmel is not treated the same way…his obsession with controlling and wiping out the dragons is never fully explained. He is filled with pure hatred for these creatures, and we never really learn why. To some degree it makes him all the more unnerving-it’s like he hates just for the sake of feeling hatred. He embraces anger and revenge, and he loves to torture both dragons and humans alike. He’s constantly outsmarting our heroes, and we find out that he’s controlling his scorpion dragons by brainwashing them with their own venom. He’s…he is not nice, fam. I guess he’s one of my pet peeves in the film, because while I appreciate how delightfully evil he is, it’s weird that we never truly learn that much about him. Even the other village leaders follow him purely because he’s a lil’ scary. What is his DEAL, y’all???

So since we can’t really touch on Grimmel all that much purely because the movie doesn’t really let us, that brings us to some of the dragon characters. Particularly, Toothless and the Light Fury (does she have a name? Sparkles? Can it be Sparkles? She’s real glittery you guys).

HAHAHA I LOVE CRYING

THE FRIENDSHIP AND GROWING UP

Like I mentioned above, the How to Train Your Dragon series is about friendship above all else. It starts with an outcast kid finding kinship with a lonely force of nature. Hiccup finds purpose in Toothless just as much as companionship, and Toothless finds love and loyalty in Hiccup just as much as purpose.

I don’t think there’s anything more powerful than a good story about companionship between humans and animals. It’s why stories involving “the boy and his dog” or “the girl and her horse” are so iconic. Many of us know that we humans are social creatures, but many of us also feel that we generally kinda suck at connecting with other humans. We know we can’t survive alone and we’re not supposed to, but damn it, it’s hard! That’s why we’re drawn to stories where the awkward outcast finds a powerful, social relationship with an animal. It’s made more powerful because the bond is often formed without words.

We all want relationships like that, so it’s nice when we get to see or hear about a relationship like that.

What I love about the How to Train Your Dragon series is that it gives us that relationship, but it also shows us what happens to it over time. After all, we all know that theoretically the story continues past the first “death scare that actually makes the bond stronger and makes the grumpy dad believe in the power of love” or the “very important race that doesn’t need to be won but actually yes it does because that means you can keep your horse because it clearly only listens to you also here’s some flowers and like a trophy I guess.”

Hiccup and Toothless are tested in the first movie when they’re learning about each other, when Stoick separates them, when Toothless dives into the fire to save Hiccup (well, most of him). Their bond is strengthened when Hiccup loses his leg because now they’re both physically “broken.” They’re tested in the second movie when they face a new foe, when Toothless loses control and costs Hiccup his dad, when Hiccup yells at him to leave for that, and then later when Hiccup apologizes and begs for his best friend to come back.

In some ways, the series set us up for a hard fall with the third film, because we believed up to this point that their friendship could and would stand against anything. We saw it stand up against impossible odds, didn’t we? What could possible change that?

COLD, HARD REALITY, OF COURSE.

Here’s the facts, y’all. Toothless, much as he seems to share a human bond with Hiccup, is an animal. He’s a part of nature. He’s gone his whole life being the only one of his kind, so as much as he loves Hiccup and all his other dragon friends, he’s lonely. Like us humans, he craves that social relationship with others of his kind.

So of course when he meets the Light Fury, he desperately wants to be with her.

Now I don’t think Toothless, when Hiccup initially lets him go after the Light Fury, was actually planning on staying away forever. I think it would be hard for him to communicate that to Hiccup, necessarily, but I also think he trusts Hiccup to know how much he wants to be with the Light Fury. Hiccup, of course, is a human and therefore plagued with anxiety, so this doesn’t quite work out, and Toothless is a lil’ bitter about that.

Toothless has a deep, inner need to be with the Light Fury and the other dragons-he wants to be with her and the other dragons. We see most of the movie from Hiccup’s point of view, so all we are really allowed to relate to is Hiccup’s anxiety about Toothless’s departure. But it’s meant to be that way-we are like Hiccup, we will always relate to him more, so therefore we will always want him to be with Toothless. That’s how it’s always been, right?

The reality, however, is different. Because of the dragons’ presence, Berk is a target. Because of Stoick’s death, Hiccup is the leader and has to make hard decisions. Because of how humans are, dragons are not safe. Because, because, because…

And isn’t that how it is in reality?

As much as this is a fantasy series, it does bring in some things that are just as real as what we all have to deal with at some point; but it’s never been the forefront of the series as much as it is in this third film.

We all know that friendships grow and change just like we do. Sometimes, we have to leave good friends behind because of whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean your friendship has to end. Maybe sometimes it does, and that’s okay, too-but it doesn’t have to. Life gets in the way and you may have to say goodbye, but that doesn’t mean your friendship is any weaker for it. I’ll touch more on the very ending of the film a bit later because it really ties into this. Many of our friendships, battered and tested by distance and time, can remain the same-just as strong as when they began.

It can still hurt of course, which brings us to…

HAHAHAHA I STILL LOVE CRYING HAHAHAHA

THE GOODBYE

Everyone ready to cry?

GREAT.

I will freely admit that a teaser for the film actually spoiled the big goodbye twist for me. There was a short clip of Toothless, looking longingly off to some other dragons flying nearby, with a voiceover of Hiccup saying “it’s okay, bud. It’s time.”

Once I’d picked up the shattered pieces of my heart, I realized I was actually thankful for this…I think the film was slightly easier to sit through since I knew what was coming. Granted, the movie teases the Big Goodbye relatively early on. Hiccup almost says goodbye to Toothless after they first find him in the secret dragon lair, but then Plot happens.

Unfortunately, knowing it was coming did not make it any easier to sit through.

The bond between Toothless and Hiccup is a refreshing one, so simple and powerful and hopeful! So watching them hug one last time and say goodbye for…they didn’t know how long?

My popcorn was flavored with my many, many tears.

But! I knew this was coming! Plus, it made sense plot wise, the dragons weren’t safe, Toothless wouldn’t be alone, and neither would Hiccup! It’s okay! They’re still friends! It’s fine!!!

What was NOT fine was then having to watch the ENTIRE VILLAGE OF BERK SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR DRAGONS, TOO. I mean, all at once, everyone is hugging their dragons and crying and I JUST.

I think the real kicker, though, was watching Astrid say goodbye to Stormfly. There was something about the way her voice cracked and their little snuggle hug…

Anyway, not even popcorn anymore, just soggy, salty, once-was-popcorn.

(Fun fact: supposedly the dragons have voice actors to help the animators with facial expressions and gestures before final editing, and I guess Toothless straight-up says “I don’t want to leave you” in that final hug with Hiccup so I’m just gonna go crawl under a rock and sob for a thousand years, thanks)

It was heart-wrenching, and you know it’s the best solution all-around because humans are awful and can’t be trusted with nice things like dragons.

But you know what else it was? Hopeful.

Goodbyes are just as real as friendships, unfortunately, and the move highlights that pretty strongly. But it also makes clear that not only is everyone strong enough to say goodbye, everyone is never alone when they say goodbye, either. Sure, Berk and the dragons had to separate, but they still had each other. Toothless has the Light Fury and his whole dragon community, and Hiccup has Astrid and all of Berk. It’s bittersweet, sure, but it’s real (as real as an animated movie about Vikings and their dragon buddies can be).

But you didn’t think that was the end of the story, did you?

Cause of death: the way Hiccup looks at Astrid

THE ENDING

I remember when the last Harry Potter book came out-I was too young to go hang out outside the bookstores with my siblings and their friends, and I didn’t have a group of my own to go with (this was when I was attending a fairly conservative school that required a signed permission slip to even check the Harry Potter books out of the school library, so…). But I do remember my parents and I reading the book together. We’d each take turns reading a chapter out loud, and sometimes my dad would have to take over if my mom and I were crying, which happened a lot. I remember being so pleased with it. It felt like a perfect ending for these characters I’d grown up with. They deserved the happy endings they got, and I was so pleased they all remained friends.

When the movies came out and they ended the same way, with our leads all grown up and seeing their own children off to have their own adventures, that was when I became more aware of the outcry. I hadn’t realized how many people hated the ending before that. They felt betrayed that these characters, their characters, would just grow up and have normal lives…have kids…so on and so forth. Many remain disgruntled with their job choices.

Finally though, one of my friends posted on Facebook an article explaining why my generation seemed to be so miffed with the ending-it didn’t feel like our ending. It felt like we watched these millennial kids we grew up with achieve the baby boomer dream, and they were happy with that? Many of us maybe don’t want kids. Many of us don’t see a marriage and a family as our happy ending. Many of us wanted more of an acknowledgement for the trauma these characters went through.

Whatever the reason, and I’m sure there are more, people were unhappy.

I think more than anything, though, we were just mad that there was an ending at all. Sometimes it’s easier for us to swallow if the story ends before a big epilogue that skips 20 years and emphasizes the whole “where are they now?” Thing. At least then, we can imagine what happened-we can still see ourselves in those characters and imagine they’re still with us as we grow and change ourselves. But when we’re told what happens, when we’re shown the reality of the 20 years later and the marriage and the kids and the family, we suddenly don’t see ourselves anymore. We’re still in the stage of our lives where we’re slowly picking up the pieces of the battle of Hogwarts-we haven’t reached the stage where we send our own kids off to magic school and wave to them from the platform with our perfect spouse before we head off to our perfect job.

I think it felt like a betrayal of an ending because we felt like we’d been left behind by these characters we used to be able to relate to.

I bring all this up because I was expecting the same thing from How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World. After all, we get the same thing-a flash forward of however many years, our leads we used to be able to relate to now older, wiser, full of facial hair or whatever, and they have kids. They are no longer our relatable protagonists because they have grown and changed and gone through life and we’re forced to face that very suddenly. It’s jarring-quite suddenly out of the fog we see Hiccup, but it’s not our Hiccup. This one is taller, even more muscular, quite full of facial hair, and he holds himself in a way we haven’t seen before. Then there’s Astrid-poised, older, not the scrawny overconfident kid we remember. And then there’s MINI Hiccup and Astrid!!

From the other end of the fog, we see him-Toothless, standing on the rocks with the Light Fury. They look relatively unchanged compared to our human heroes, and it actually takes a moment for Toothless to recognize Hiccup and not attack. Then MINI Toothless’s come streaming over the rocks and onto the boat, Hiccup and Toothless are reunited, and then Hiccup has his kids reach their little hands out to touch Toothless’s nose, just like their dad did at the beginning of the story.

What I really like about the ending is Hiccup’s final narration. He talks about how when he was a kid, there were dragons. So on and so forth, humans suck, so the dragons had to leave…but legends say that when an earthquake happens, or a volcano erupts, it’s just the dragons reminding us that they’re here, waiting for us to be ready for them…

Listen I am all for believing that dragon buddies are real and just waiting for us to not be so stupid and violent. I’m down with this.

As sad as the ending is, and I am not kidding when I tell you about the crying, yes it’s a kid’s movie, shut up, it’s extremely hopeful. For me, that’s the best kind of ending. It encourages dealing with goodbyes in a healthy way; to recognize them, to embrace them, and then to seek out the good that you still have. For Hiccup, he lost constant contact with a dear friend…but he found a leader within himself, friends and family with the people of Berk, and a connection with his fellow leader and equal in Astrid.

Friendship is incredibly powerful-but sometimes life gets in the way. Goodbyes suck-but they’re necessary. Most of all though?

Dragons are real-we’re just too big of jerks to handle them yet.

But just like Hiccup taught his kids to approach the dragons with kindness, so each generation that comes is a more kind, hopeful one.

C’mon I couldn’t NOT put this moment in

“OOF” MOMENT

I…genuinely don’t think there was one? I think my main pet peeve is just that we truly do not know much about the Light Fury. She’s barely developed (aside from the moment where she saves Hiccup from falling #OHLOOKIAMCRYINGAGAIN), and I get why, but like…what is her name?? I NEED A SHIP NAME FOR HER AND TOOTHLESS.

Wait…actually…that whole weird subplot with Snotlout having a thing for Hiccup’s mom. Just…why.

Also, what happened to Grimmel’s scorpion dragons? We saw they were being brainwashed, so they could theoretically be saved and good like the rest of the dragons, but they just…die in the explosion I guess? Meh.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Ugh, so many. However, I will settle on the end of Toothless trying to romance the Light Fury on the beach. When all else fails, he draws her face in the sand. It’s a delightful callback to my favorite scene from the first movie, and also my favorite piece on the soundtrack. Like I teared up then just because of what it called back to, and that was EARLY.

Yes I know it’s a kid’s movie shut up.

Can you imagine if Hiccup tried to actually ride Toothless this way he’d be falling off in a MILLISECOND and Astrid would be laughing

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Look, clearly, I have a lot of feelings. Like, I do just in general, but especially about this movie.

I think it goes without saying that if you’re a fan of the series, see this movie. If you’ve seen even a part of the films and/or the TV shows, see this movie. If you like really, really well-animated things that make you laugh and cry, see this movie.

I get this series isn’t for everyone-different things speak to different people after all. But if you just want a genuinely good escape, I definitely think you should take yourself to this movie.

If it’s still in theatres. This is a super late post, after all. Otherwise, see it when it comes out to buy, because it is so, so worth it!

I give this movie…….

5/5 TEARDROPS THAT ARE ALSO SAD AND CRYING!!

Look, that last one is still coming to terms with everything, it doesn’t even know what to feel yet

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

There were a lot of repeats…I mean between this and the 2nd LEGO Movie, I’ve seen a lot of kids’ movies lately, okay??

The two new ones were Angry Birds 2 which…..UGHHHHHHHH. I was a big fan of the game back in the day, okay? I wasn’t great at it by any means, but it was cute and fun! I wanted to like the first movie, I really did, but…wow. It was…it was real bad. I think it had good parts, I genuinely laughed once (maybe twice), but overall…wow.

The other new one is Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase. I’ve never really been a Nancy Drew person, which is weird when I think about it because I think the series is like, exactly my aesthetic. It’s probably because everyone else liked it, therefore I couldn’t. I had to find something ~unique~. Hence, Harriet the Spy. Which I do recommend if you haven’t read it. Anyway, this adaptation stars Sophia Lillis in the title role, whom you may recognize since she was Bev in the new IT adaptation! It actually genuinely looks enjoyable, though it’s definitely a kid’s film. I mean the How to Train Your Dragon series is also for kids, but it doesn’t necessarily market itself as such.

Anyway, that does it for this review!! Hiatus over, I’m back for at least a while, and hopefully I’ll be adding a new feature to the reviews coming soon!

For now, if The Hidden World is still playing near you, I highly recommend you see it because crying is good for you, ya know?

Alita: Battle Angel Review

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Soooo last week, I took myself (and my dad) to the movies, and we saw Alita: Battle Angel. I really didn’t know what to expect from it, but I know people were excited, and my dad wanted to see it, and since it’ll probably be nominated for something since it’s James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez, I figured I should see it.

I have…mixed feelings about it.

But we’ll get into all that later.

them big eyes will see into your soulllllll

THE PLOT

The movie starts with Dr. Ido (Christoph Waltz) finding the head and partial torso of a cyborg in the scrapyard of Iron City. He gives her a body since he is a cyborg clinic doctor of some sort, and the cyborg awakens the next morning to a brand new body (and also a head of hair? That’s never explained). This is Alita (Rosa Salazar). Alita talks with Ido and his assistant (Idara Victor), asking if they know who she is, as she has no idea. Ido claims to not know either, and he takes Alita out for a brief day on the town. This is where she meets Hugo (Keean Johnson) and he’s cute and saves her from oncoming traffic so naturally she liiiiikes him.

Because of this meeting with Hugo, Alita’s rebellious teenage phase kicks in fast, and she meets with him and his pals as often as possible, learning of a rather violent and popular sport called Motorball. She joins them for a scrimmage, and after she’s shoved aside by Hugo’s friend Tanji (Jorge Landeborg Jr.), her vengeful warrior phase kicks in fast and she absolutely decimates him in retaliation. Tanji complains about this to Hugo, and Hugo just goes “haha yeah she beat you up lol she’s pretty” (I mean that’s basically it, okay).

In other news, some…villain or something is apparently targeting women on the streets at night where he apparently destroys them and sells their parts (this is never fully explained in the movie, but apparently in the manga it’s common knowledge that the world has gotten to the point where humans can replace almost their entire body with cyborg parts, and if they could, why wouldn’t they? We see this in the film, but we never really get an explanation. Anyway). Because of this, Ido doesn’t want Alita out alone after dark. But she’s ~rebellious~ so she follows him one night and, based off of what she sees, assumes Ido is the murderer. She tries to stop him, but it’s revealed that he’s actually hunting the murderer, and this was actually a trap. They’re attacked by various cyborgs, and though Ido tells Alita to stay out of the way, Alita dives into combat to save him and absolutely destroys two of the three cyborgs (she cripples the third and he escapes screaming that he “NEVER FORGETS!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!”).

The battle brings on a sort of flashback for Alita, where she’s in a big battle on the moon, as you do. Ido reveals that he is a hunter warrior, which is kind of like Iron City’s version of police since they don’t actually have police. Anyone can apply to be a hunter warrior (or bounty hunter as they’re called during the other half of the movie), and they get paid for the marks they destroy. Alita, naturally, is all over this but Ido says it’s too dangerous. Alita, in response, runs away from him very maturely.

There’s a lot of other stuff that happens, basically Alita really wants to know who she is but she also becomes a hunter warrior, also she gets a new body. As you do. She does all this against Ido’s wishes but ~she doesn’t live by his rules~. Ido is initially upset by this but then he’s like “eh whatever.” His assistant has maybe three sentences the whole film. Hugo gives Alita sparkle eyes the whole film, but his main character trait is that he wants to get to the sky city of Zalem, which is where Alita probably came from since she was found in the scrapyard.

I can’t really say much more without spoilers, so let’s dive into it.

this scene was cool until you realize that half the terrible things that happen later wouldn’t happen if Alita hadn’t…been like this

THE REVIEW

I really wanted to like this movie. Really!

I like robots. I like cyberpunk. I like beautiful scenery and well-choreographed fight scenes. I like intricate world-building.

But I also really like good characters. And I really…didn’t like anyone in this movie. I didn’t like the script (much of the dialogue was so cheesy that the actors couldn’t do much about it). I really didn’t like most of the plot.

Now, this movie is based off of a manga (Battle Angel Alita, or Gunnm). And from what I’ve read from fans of the manga, this is a relatively faithful adaptation, and they really like it! And that’s great. I came into this completely fresh-I’m an anime fan myself, but I’d never read Gunnm and I’d never seen the two OVA’s that were made based off the manga. All of this was completely new to me, and it was hard to follow, felt really disjointed, and just…bleh.

So it’s entirely possible that maybe I would have liked it if I’d been a fan of the manga first-it’s always fun to see something like that come to life in a new way. I think it’s why I’ll probably really like the Detective Pikachu movie no matter how weird it is.

But coming to this as an outsider, there wasn’t anything for me to like, really. I’ll go into each point in more detail, but I guess if you’re an avid Battle Angel fan, you might wanna stop reading now. I don’t have a lot of good things to say, admittedly. Except about the scenery and the character design (with the exception of those big ol’ scary eyes), both of which were delightful. But the acting? I don’t get why everyone is obsessed with Rosa Salazar’s performance in particular. The romance? Bleh. Not believable and sooooo predictable and just…there’s no basis to it. The characters? Anyone I may have liked is killed or has two lines of dialogue. The animals? HAHA RIP. The plot? It just felt very all over the place and just…I didn’t really care about it? The villains? The main big bad barely shows up, teasing a sequel, of COURSE. They build up this big fight and there is ZERO PAYOFF.

I did want to like it, really! It just wasn’t enjoyable for me. I’ll include things that would have helped, in my opinion, but again: if you did really like the film, that’s awesome! I’m happy for you! I did not, but that’s on me, it’s my personal taste, and ours differs here.

For everyone else, let’s get into it. Spoiler warning now in effect!

get it she’s lit up because she’s a “fallen angel” GET IT

THE MUSIC

As always, we start with the music.

Meh.

Honestly it didn’t play that big a part in the movie. There were the occasional moments where the fun techno-y beat would come in and that was fun, it fit the cyberpunk aesthetic. But there was no particular score moment that really stood out to me. I’d probably have to listen to the soundtrack on its own so that I can be a better judge of it without my negative thoughts about the movie crowding my brain.

The credits song was a Dua Lipa song about being powerful, so that was good.

Grey’s Anatomy: Season 219

THE CHARACTERS

Alright, sit down with me, kids, as we discuss why I didn’t like anyone in this film. (actually, I take that back: I liked 3 people. We’ll get to that)

So much of the film hinges on the likability of three characters since we spend the most time with them, hands down: Ido, Alita, and Hugo.

Ido is probably the most likable of those three for me, but that’s not saying much. He’s interesting, at least-we learn that he runs this clinic where he does free repairs on people who have cyborg parts and can’t afford to go anywhere else. He keeps the clinic open with the payments he receives as a hunter warrior/bounty hunter. He had a daughter in a wheelchair (we never learn why she is in a wheelchair, if there was an accident or something she was born with, it’s never explained) named Alita who was killed by one of Ido’s patients. This is why his wife (?) Chiren (Jennifer Connolly) left him. He names Alita after his dead daughter, and her first body is one he designed for his daughter that she never got to use (I guess in the source material, he names Alita after a late cat he was very fond of, but I guess that wasn’t ~dramatic~ enough for the film). But while Ido has all these interesting traits, they never do a lot with him. He is a plot device used to put Alita and Hugo back together. He clearly is protective of Alita since he sort of accidentally replaces his daughter with her, but even after she disobeys his orders countless times, he never punishes her or argues with her, not really. He has one facial expression the entire film. Alita is able to manipulate him to do what she wants suuuuuuper easily. And it doesn’t even matter because she does what she wants anyway!

Hugo is ~cool~ because he wears a leather jacket and has long broody floppy hair and he rides a motorized unicycle (YOU THINK I’M KIDDING). But he’s pretty and thinks Alita is pretty and he’s a strong, developed character because he makes sure the audience knows he is not intimidated by how terrifyingly murderous Alita is. That’s a line. In the film. He says “you know most guys would be intimidated by a girl like you” BUT I’M NOT MOST GUYS I’M ~DIFFERENT~. We learn next to nothing about his backstory, except that he wants to get to the sky city. Honestly that’s like, everyone’s backstory. They all want to get to the sky city because Iron City is absolute hell. He’s almost interesting when it’s revealed that he and his friends work for Vector (Mahershala Ali) by paralyzing people and stealing necessary parts. He got into it in order to raise enough money to get to Zalem. However, once he and Alita are ~involved~, he wants to get out of the business. Especially before Alita finds out. BECAUSE WHY TELL HER HIMSELF, AM I RIGHT. So, I mean, yeah he feels bad about the part-stealing once he loves Alita, but we don’t even know him long enough to see where that would have gone because he gets killed. And then he’s alive. And then he dies again.

Alita is…annoying. She really is. I adored her in the beginning because it was super cute watching her discover the world. Oranges?? Amazing! CHOCOLATE??? Best thing ever!!!! Cute boys??? Ooooooooh! They could have done so much more with that! Like how does she know how to react around Hugo? How does she know about kissing or hand-holding or any of that? Can you imagine a scene where Hugo explains a kiss to her? (A la Mork and Mindy, of course) But we never get that. Look, I love that she is the main character of this film. She is a badass girl and the center of a major sci-fi thriller, which is awesome! But you can’t make a character like that be so invincible that they’re just not relatable. The fight scenes were almost never nail-biters because you know Alita will be fine-even when she’s nothing but a torso with a head and one arm, she somehow punches her way out and Ido rebuilds her anyway. They try to make it this big thing that Alita is starting over with a clean slate, only she can decide if she’s gonna be good or bad…which is fine, except she never really has that clean slate. Except for the very beginning when she’s discovering oranges and boys, she is never naive enough to have a choice. She is immediately drawn to the violence of Motorball because she was a warrior. She’s drawn to conflict and loves fighting because she was a warrior. She never had a clean slate-but she could have been a fascinating anti-hero choosing a new path. Maybe she did terrible things in the past, killed hundreds, maybe thousands, and being aware of that is what helps her change. But no, instead we get a forced narrative and an impossibly invincible hero we can never really worry about because of course she’ll be fine.

My other main issue with Alita as a character is that she never has to face the consequences of her actions. Not really. She never apologizes to Ido for going out at night against his wishes because she saved him so of course everything’s fine. She never apologizes for Ito for getting his dead daughter’s cyborg body destroyed in the second fight with Grewishka. She immediately gets the Berserker body she wanted after the fight, despite Ido saying she shouldn’t have it because of how dangerous and lethal it is. She never assumes that it is her fault that Zapan came after Hugo and killed Tanji because of the way she humiliated him. She doesn’t even have to face the consequence of Hugo’s first death because Chiren is there like a freakin deus ex machina and surgically wires him to Alita’s life force to save him.

“But what about Hugo’s death the second time??” Look, I get that this is from the source material, but the emotional impact of Hugo’s death is utterly destroyed the second he has to die again. Also, how do we even know for sure he’s dead this time? All we saw is him falling dramatically. I know he’s dead in the source material, but this is Hollywood. Do they ever really die?

I’m not saying it’s not awesome that Alita is so powerful- again, it’s great to see an ultra-powerful female character be the star and the center of a major sci-fi film. We should have more stuff like that! But it’s like filmmakers are so afraid to make anything other than a perfect, flawless female who’s way overpowered and has no weaknesses. That scene at the end where she slices her own tear in half? What, is she not allowed to feel? (Trick question-she’s a cyborg)

There’s nothing wrong with giving your hero characters some flaws-that’s what makes them relatable. We want to see them succeed when we know they’ve struggled to get where they are. We cheer for them when they overcome their own flaws because we want to do the same. People want to see themselves on the screen, especially as the hero: but it doesn’t seem attainable when the hero is perfect. Take my personal favorite Marvel hero Iron Man, for example: dude’s a mess. He’s narcissistic, a genius and he flaunts it, and absolutely riddled with PTSD. He has panic attacks in Iron Man 3. It didn’t weaken him as a hero-it made us feel for him and be happy for him when he pushed through his pain. He cries and we cry with him because that’s okay!

Alita is not allowed to mourn Hugo because she has to stay strong to make it to Zalem to fight Nova. Fine, but let her break down. That scream she gave when Hugo fell? Show her broken, alone in her bed crying. If she loved Hugo like she said, she would absolutely be torn apart by his (second) death. But we never see that. She sheds one tear and cuts it in half. She’s not allowed to feel because she’d be less of a hero if she did.

And that simply isn’t true! Let heroes be vulnerable. It makes their successes that much more powerful for the audience.

I could rant about Alita as a character forever (clearly) but I have to touch on some other characters:

First, let’s discuss some of the other bounty hunters: most of them end up dead, and we never really learn much about them anyways! Cool, that was fun. There is one bounty hunter who works with a whole lot of robot dogs, which like…give me a movie about him, please!!

Next: Ido’s assistant Nurse Gerhad, Tanji, and Koyomi (Lana Condor). Both Gerhad and Koyomi make it through the film alive (miraculously) but Tanji is brutally murdered trying to save Hugo. And all we get is one shot of his death and on mention from Hugo that he died. Alita (naturally) doesn’t seem to care that Tanji is dead-that would be facing the consequences of her actions and as we know, Alita doesn’t do that.

Gerhad and Koyomi have a couple sentences each in the film. And that’s it.

Fun fact: you can’t claim it’s diversity if your diverse characters all die or barely speak during the film!!

this whole scene is one big cringe

THE ROMANCE

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When I read some reviews from people who knew the source material, I was hoping that Alita’s and Hugo’s relationship would be further developed in the manga, but it doesn’t really sound like it. I guess the major change is that apparently, Hugo was so blinded by his desperation to get to the sky city that he didn’t notice Alita’s feelings for him. That could have been fun, but instead, we get this.

Alita and Hugo are obsessed with each other, like, to a scary degree, and right from the start. Alita’s fixation on him kind of makes sense, he saves her from getting smashed in the street, and she’s a cyborg, it’d be fascinating to go into how cyborg “love” might be different from human love (and I feel like they sort of play with that in a later scene? But it’s never really…explained. Like she quite literally takes out her own heart and offers it to Hugo and when he refuses she’s just like “HAHA THAT WAS INTENSE, SORRY LOL” like…what), but nooooooooo. Hugo I guess just has a thing for big eyes? Idk man.

Look, I’m a huge romantic, I own this about myself. I think it’s absolutely possible for Hollywood to create a lovely, beautiful romantic relationship, but of course, the flip-side is also true. If you couldn’t tell, characters are important to me and can really make or break a film in my opinion. As previously discussed, none of the characters in Alita: Battle Angel really spoke to me (literally and figuratively since they died or had two lines in the entire film), and that includes our main pair of lovers here. I guess they’re going for a Hunger Games-esque relationship with these two-two teens in a dystopian world, battling their circumstances and their feelings for each other or whatever.

Now, everyone has their own opinions about how the Hunger Games romance(s) work(ed) out, but you have to admit that at the very least, we got some actual character development for our romantic leads. They all had scenes that showed all sides of them: good, bad, broken, and unique. Gale is Katniss’s best friend, her person, but he’s also easily blinded by anger and his personal desire for revenge, and he’s also incredibly selfish. Peeta is completely selfless in some ways, he would give himself for Katniss in an instant (they both would, really). He was abused by his parents and is also never not injured. Like…really. He’s also very quick to shut people (especially Katniss) out when he’s hurting. Katniss, as our narrator and main character, is the one we spend the most time with, so we know her the best. She’s incredibly caring and protective, and all of her most glorified actions in the rebellion are born completely out of her love for someone or something (placing bunches of flowers all around Rue’s body, singing the “hanging tree” song, doing the famous whistle and salute, and of course, volunteering to take Prim’s place). Katniss also has terrible PTSD, I mean, of course she does. Like Gale, she’s also easily blinded by anger. She often acts without thinking. Like Peeta, she’s willing to give her life in an instant because she thinks she’s not worth it.

Now, all of that is those characters at their most basic. Compare that to Alita and Hugo. What sides do we see of them? Hugo wants to go to the sky city. Okay…do we know why? He just wants to escape the “hell” that is the Iron City. I mean, okay, fine. He chooses Alita over his friends, specifically by telling them they need to stop stealing people’s cyborg parts for money. He gets framed for a murder he doesn’t commit. Alita wants to learn about her past, and she disobeys the father figure who rescues her time and time again to do it. She’s ruthless when it comes to people who are hunting her down, presumably because of her mysterious warrior past. She loves the little dog she befriends (I assume? They had two interactions before…we don’t talk about that scene).

Alita and Hugo are cookiecutter characters at best; they do the things they do because it moves the story along and the plot calls for it, not because of any specific character traits they possess that explains their actions.

Katniss is a rebellious teenager just as much as Alita is. But all of Katniss’s actions are motivated by who she is, not what she is. Alita doesn’t have any quirks (besides giant eyes and being a cyborg, I guess?) to help explain her behavior except TEENAGE GIRL!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

All this to say, Alita and Hugo’s romance isn’t believable because they aren’t believable as whole, separate characters on their own.

Now, I realize that this is just one movie, and unfortunately, there’s a giant sequel-tease, so there will probably be at least one more of these. So Alita may very well be more developed in the future. I’m also sure she’s well-developed in the source material; anime and manga characters are (generally) consistently very, very well-developed and well-rounded characters with positive and negative traits alike. Hugo might even be interesting in the source material instead of just ~pretty~ and ~brooding~.

He reminds me of that violinist guy from that one…weird movie High Strung. Anyone see that? I think it’s on Netflix. It’s a trip. There’s a scene where guys fence with violin bows.

(also like…that whole second death scene is just…first of all, it takes away all of the emotion from the initial death scene, like Alita already went through this, but like…isn’t her body like super powerful now? Like it heals itself? Is there a reason she couldn’t just…let go and cradle Hugo as they fell so she took most of the brunt force of the landing? No? Is it…is it because of the drama and the sequel-baiting? Is that it? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

It’s that stupid door from Titanic all over again.)

we don’t talk about this scene

THE ONE MOMENT

We have to talk about it. They put it in here so we have to talk about it.

So listen, when I was reading reviews from people who knew the source material, I was disappointed to learn that this scene is also in the source material. I mean, I’m not surprised I guess, but…blech.

I knew there was going to be some moment where Alita put blood on her face like war paint (which is very unsanitary but you do you I guess) because of the trailer.

But I guess I thought the blood would be like, her father figure. For like real intense motivation, you know? Or like maybe, in her flashbacks, she would always be wearing warpaint or something, so this would be a way to connect with her previous self.

But no. What happens is that the pure, innocent, cute little stray dog that Alita befriended in the beginning stands up to Grewishka to protect Alita…and he gets slaughtered for it.

And it’s the dog’s blood that Alita puts on her face.

Look, I’m sure it’s supposed to represent some intense metaphor like the DEATH OF INNOCENCE because this is also right before Alita destroys her “younger” body (YEAH WHEN SHE GETS HER NEW BODY, it changes as it gets used to her, which basically means she gets more curves and bigger boobs onscreen. This causes the nurse and the doctor to be like “oh she was older than we thought. Haha!” GROSS. STOP. NO. WHY.)

Like, whatever, but leave innocent little dogs out of this. We already don’t deserve dogs and you’re making it worse. There has to be some other way to symbolize the DEATH OF INNOCENCE.

For example, that moment in Mulan? It’s when she replaces her father’s conscription notice with her hair comb. It perfectly symbolizes the DEATH OF INNOCENCE and the change Mulan goes through-she matures so much in that instance and she’ll never try to be a delicate flower again.

See? Beautiful, effective symbolism, all without the unnecessary death of lovable canines. Thanks.

this guy’s CG robot throat is very distracting, not gonna lie

THE “VILLAINS”

You could argue that this movie has multiple villains. You could try to do that, yes.

The big baddie is the mysterious Nova, who…we barely see during the film. He can somehow infiltrate the bodies of others, which is never explained, and while his reigning presence is brought up through the film, there’s never any pay-off because HEAVEN FORBID WE DON’T HAVE A SEQUEL.

Other villains include Zapan (pictured above), who only became a villain really because Alita made a big deal about showing him up at the bar. Like, he was obnoxious and rude and obviously not great before, but Alita’s insistence at humiliating him turned him into an actual villain. She is the reason he frames Hugo for murder and ultimately is the reason for his death. Alita slices his face off because, I mean, TEENAGE GIRLS AM I RIGHT.

There’s also Vector, who like, could have been a fascinating villain if he’d had…any development whatsoever. But he’s the villain because!! He…rigged the Motorball tryouts! And…he doesn’t like Alita! That’s…that’s about all he is and does. The rest of the movie, Nova is basically controlling him, and when Alita kills Vector? It’s not even Vector. She has no mercy for him and doesn’t even let him die as Vector. He dies as a Nova puppet. Which like…ooh, you go, Alita? You really…showed him? Vector’s not even her main enemy, but he’s built up as if he is, and then his death is like “meh, well, that’s done.”

WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY??? WHY did he get into the nasty business of transporting people(‘s organs) to the sky city??? WHO IS HE??? We will literally never know. Now Mahershala Ali does great with the role, of course, for what little it actually is.

Grewishka is built up as this BIG, BAD BADDIE WITH NO FEELINGS!!! ONLY HATRED!!! KILL ALITA!!!! MRAHHHHHH!!! GET BIG EVIL CHAIN CLAW ARMS!!!!!

And then Alita kills him REAL quick in the final act. And that’s it.

Cool.

LOOK ALITA’S WEARING A RAINBOW SHIRT, GUYS. ARE WE GONNA BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE??? NO…? Is it because she has a heterosexual relationship? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

THE ART

Aight, there is a LOT I dislike about this movie, clearly. And I will own that. But I do have to talk about the scenery, the designs, and the general art of the movie.

Because DAMN, YOU GUYS.

While I was sitting there absolutely hating pretty much everyone who was on the screen, I was simultaneously in awe of the design of the movie. Because this is a LOVELY movie you guys, at least visually. The world-building of the Iron City is stunning and I loved whenever they were just walking around or showing different parts of the city. The character design? Gorgeous. The design of Alita’s first body is like, engraved ivory or something, it’s beautiful. The Motorball scrimmage scene is just fun-looking, it’s gritty and dystopian and perfect. The thought that goes into the design of every single different cyborg character is incredible.

Now, I have mixed feelings about Alita’s ridiculously giant eyes. It’s like we said “hey can we have an actually decent anime adaptation that isn’t white-washed and clearly shows love for the source material?” and Hollywood was like “so what you’re saying is…the thing we’re missing in these anime adaptations…is the biG ANIME EYES!! YES!!!” and we all said “no wait” but they did it anyway.

However, I read from one of the people who knows the source material, that apparently when Ido finds Alita in the scrapyard originally, her eyes are OPEN. Like that’d be super freaky of course, but apparently it’s because there’s this whole big theme in the original series about the importance of eyes-in the current world, it’s possible to replace almost every part of your body with cyborg parts. Eyes are incredibly valuable because of this. Plus there’s all that stuff we know about “eyes being the window to the soul” or whatever.

So like, from that standpoint? Super cool.

Did they actually explain that or go into that in the movie?

No.

At least everything was pretty to look at.

more movies with robots holding cute little stuffed mushrooms, please

WHAT I WISHED HAD HAPPENED

I think this movie had a lot riding on it, and it had a lot of potential. Apparently, I am very alone in thinking it wasn’t good…at all. And that’s fine.

One thing that consistently bugs me the more I think about it is Alita’s characterization. Now, again, I don’t know how it goes down in the manga/OVAs, but when I liked Alita the most is when she had just woken up and was seeing the world for the first time-that was when she was actually vulnerable. That was when Alita was relatable. Seeing Alita freak out about chocolate? YES, GIRL, ME TOO. Seeing her lose her mind about a cute boy that saved her and smiled at her? SAME, GIRL, SAME. And this picture here, where she’s curled up like a kid with a cute stuffed…thing?

As soon as Alita becomes this invincible weapon, she loses any humanity she’d previously developed and Hugo apparently loved her for. And maybe that’s the point. But it was so quick.

She NEVER goes back to this vulnerable kid again-even when she loses Hugo (for real…”for real”) she doesn’t get to break down about it. Yeah, she screams for him in the moment, but like I mentioned before, she then slices her own tear in half and doesn’t let herself feel weak.

Now, okay, okay, this could be good setup for an interesting arc in the sequel. I agree! Maybe Alita learns that letting yourself feel the sad things makes you more human, not less, and isn’t that what Hugo would have wanted (I guess? who knows what Hugo wants. His character is never explained. Except big eyes? Is that what he wants?)? Sure!

My point is that you can’t give Alita all these vulnerable scenes and then rip ALL of that away from her-why does she have no remorse for those she kills? Why does she paint the dog’s blood on her face rather than cry for it?

Dear Hollywood,

You’re allowed to write strong female characters that also have emotions. Showing them breaking down and feeling sad and then working to overcome those feelings, watching them dealing with them rather than ignoring them…that’s what makes a strong female character.

Female characters don’t have to be either ALL emotion or NO emotion. They can be both.

Groundbreaking, I know.

All I want is a movie about a cyborg girl who discovers things like oranges and chocolate and then discovers she used to be a weapon and then spends time choosing to be a weapon again, not because she feels like she has to because she used to, but because she finds something to fight for. Let her feel something about the people she kills. It’s okay to. Or if she doesn’t explain why. Let her go through a journey.

As beautifully choreographed as the fight scenes in this movie were, maybe less fight scenes and more character development. It makes the story stronger.

Just me?

Okay.

THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, ALITA. Or the sword chooses the cyborg. Because yes, it is a ~magical cyborg sword~

“OOF” MOMENT

…can I say the whole movie?

Okay, okay, that’s mean. But really, there were so many moments that just…ugh it didn’t feel like I was watching a big blockbuster movie, it felt like I was watching a student film project. It’s the dang script. “You are the most human person I’ve ever met”? REALLY?

YOU HAVE REAL HUMAN FRIENDS, HUGO. NOT THAT YOU WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU IGNORE THEM MOST OF THE FILM AS SOON AS ALITA SHOWS UP.

Anyway. That dog death scene though. The one we don’t talk about. Yeah. That moment wins.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Hands down it’s when Alita tries chocolate for the first time.

“wait who is this character you didn’t talk about this chara-” yeah because she’s in the movie for all of one entire scene and then she dies. BUT SHE GETS A POSTER!

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Look, clearly, I am not the person to answer this question.

But, the general consensus seems to be that yes, you should. Do you like the source material? Great, you’ll probably like the movie. Do you like movies with lots of fights and a dead dog and poorly developed characters and terrible dialogue and did I mention the dead dog and also no pay-off because Hollywood can’t make a movie without baiting a sequel anymore? Cool! You’ll definitely like this movie!

I understand that people who are a fan of the source material are a fan of this adaptation, and that’s great! But coming into it as a fresh eye with no knowledge of the source material? I hated it. I really did. And I hate it more the more I think about it. A week has gone by and I’ve definitely settled on hating it. I used to just dislike it.

But if you like it, that is AWESOME. I’m glad you can appreciate things about this movie that I can’t!

But for me, I give Alita: Battle Angel…

1/5 VERY GOOD BOYS WHO ARE ALSO VERY ALIVE BECAUSE THEY DESERVED BETTER!!

Look at how happy and pure and not dead they are!

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

We got a couple of repeats as usual (Us!!!! And Pet Sematary AGAIN), so here are the newbies: Captive State looks FASCINATING. When the trailer first started, I thought it was another Cloverfield movie (and let’s be real-it might still somehow be a Cloverfield movie), but it looks like it’s some sort of dystopian take on political issues but with ALIENS??? I really hope it’s as interesting as it looks, because it sounds like it might be really cool. Next is MIB: International WHICH. Y’ALL. FAM. I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE. I didn’t even know I needed Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth as MIB agents but I DO. I SO DO!!!! The Hustle looks…mehhhhhhhh. I so want it to be good, I’ve loved Anne Hathaway lately, but Rebel Wilson movies seem to be extremely hit or miss. Like it’s a fun premise and it could be really good, but it could also be a lot of physical humor revolving around “haha Rebel Wilson is fat and Anne Hathaway isn’t” which like…we need to stop doing that in female-led movies. In ANY movies, but especially female-led ones because we are better than that. Finally, there was Tolkien, which, as soon as someone figures out what that movie is actually about, please let me know. Like…is it about his life? How he came up with Lord of the Rings? The trailer is really pretty but it honestly doesn’t tell us much. Except that Lily Collins is in it, and I love her. Which means she probably dies.

And that does it for this review! If you made it this far and still want to see the movie, go for it. I won’t understand it, but you do you, pal.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part Review

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GET IT BECAUSE THEY PARODY AND MAKE FUN OF ACTION FANTASY FILMS. GET IT.

So this morning, I took myself to the movies and saw The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part. Yes, I took myself to a movie on Valentine’s Day and I LOVED it. Next question.

I saw the original film kind of by accident, my friends and I had planned to see another film (I don’t even remember what it was now) but we got there way too late, and we said “well, maybe we can at least make fun of The Lego Movie.”

And then we were BLOWN away! Like someone on my tumblr said, “the lego movies have NO BUSINESS being as good as they are!”

Granted no one believes me when I swear up and down that The Lego Movie is actually really well-done and heartfelt with an important message and it’s super self-aware and FUNNY. And feel-good! It’s honestly one of my favorite movies, but it’s hard to convince people that it’s good. I mean, I get it-it sounds stupid and…like, also why is it even a thing?

The point is, I was tentatively really excited for the sequel. The first one was amazing-does the second one stand on its level?

and this is everything you need to know about these characters, right here, in one picture

THE PLOT

We pick up technically sort of right after the end of the first movie, when Dad (Will Ferrell) tells Finn (Jadon Sand) that if he can play down in the basement now with the Legos, so can his younger sister, Bianca (Brooklynn Prince). Cue Bricksburg being attacked by those monsters/aliens made out of the bigger Lego sets designed for younger kids. We see everyone ready to attack, but Emmett (Chris Pratt) tells them to hold it, we don’t need to fight anymore! Emmett makes a big heart out of Legos and gives it to the aliens…who promptly eat it, prompting the rest of Bricksburg to attack.

Five years pass, and Lucy (Elizabeth Banks) narrates how they came to where they are now: embittered by years of rebuilding things only to have the aliens destroy them, they have built a new, less-shiny, dystopian city called “Apocalypseburg.” The citizens are scruffy, angry versions of their former selves (in a fun scene, Emmett walks through the city in a similar way to the intro scene of the first movie, greeting all the same characters who are now all dystopian and stuff-even the cats!), giving up on building anything bright and fun lest it attract the aliens. Everyone, that is, except Emmett, who is still just as happy-go-lucky as we remember him. Lucy tries to get him in the dystopian mood, telling him to brood, and in an attempt to do so, Emmett discusses a dream he had about “Armamageddon” where everyone is lost into the BINS of STOR-AGE!!

Oh and also, he built Lucy a cute little house!! Emmett’s super excited about it (he even made a little throw pillow that has “E + L Forever” embroidered on it), but Lucy is worried the bright colors will attract the aliens. Sure enough, a weird ship shows up and attacks them. The citizens of Apocalypseburg hide in a big safe-room thing they built, but in an effort to save one of the adorable alien stars, Emmett opens the door slightly and accidentally lets in General Mayhem (Stephanie Beatriz!!!).

Mayhem grabs Lucy, Batman (Will Arnett), Unikitty (Alison Brie), MetalBeard (Nick Offerman), and Benny (Charlie Day) and takes them to the “Systar System” for a matrimonial ceremony. Once there, they meet Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi (Tiffany Haddish), who swears she is NOT. EVIL. Really. I promise.

Meanwhile, Emmett rebuilds his house for Lucy as a spaceship, determined to go save his friends, and on the way, he meets REX DANGERVEST (also voiced by Chris Pratt). Rex becomes kind of a mentor to Emmett as they travel, but can they save their friends before Armamageddon hits? Will they find out what is REALLY going on?

this is the entire film pretty much

THE REVIEW

So in a similar fashion to the first movie, there’s a relatively big plot twist and reveal near the end that changes everything. Up to that point, it’s a pretty standard family film with a lot of meta jokes and really lovely animation and fun moments, but…it’s just kind of okay. I kept guessing where they were going with this (after all, one reason I love the first film is how it out of NOWHERE pulls at your heartstrings and changes everything about the movie up to that point), but honestly? I was so, so wrong. I could kind of guess some details (it’s called “ArMAMAgeddon” for a reason) but I couldn’t predict everything, and I’m glad I couldn’t.

It was still good and fun to watch, but the humor felt…not as good as the first movie. It felt more forced, which makes sense. After all, the original threw EVERYONE for a loop, it was so out-of-nowhere and GOOD. Then, in an effort to keep that money-making up, we got Lego: Batman which was…okay. Still good! Still fun! But not…the same. It was clearly made without the same amount of love the first film was. Then we got Ninjago and everyone kinda lost hope in the Lego movies.

Basically, this movie had a lot to live up to, and for me, it didn’t really meet that bar…up until the big twist and the ending. I still think I prefer the first movie by…a lot, BUT, this movie did deliver a great couple twists that changed everything and made me go “AWWWW.” It was a great, positive, feel-good film about the importance of love and togetherness.

People (specifically my ol’ college buds) make fun of me for preferring generally happy, feel-good stories, but honestly? I think sometimes that’s what you need. Generally, we watch movies, plays, musicals, TV, or read books to escape. Isn’t it much more enjoyable if that escape makes you feel good? Now I’m a 4 on the Enneagram, so I do love a good sad story, or misunderstood character, or best of all a tragic, TRAGIC backstory. But I also like to come away from a story feeling good and happy-I want to re-experience stuff like that.

Anyway, tangent done. The point is, I did really, really like this movie. It’s just a lot of fun, and really heartfelt and wonderful, especially at the end. Does it live up to the first movie? Nah, at least not in my opinion, but it’s still good. Better than Batman and Ninjago, that’s for sure.

But what makes it so, dare I say…AWESOME??

Spoiler warning now in effect!

EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEEEE

THE MUSIC

As Lucy says at one point…”Oh no, are we in a musical??”

Yes. This is a musical. Kind of.

Really there are only three songs that feature the characters breaking out into song and two of them are really headlined by Tiffany Haddish as the queen.

It’s interesting, because I distinctly remember thinking the score from the first movie was one of my favorite things ever, it was just super fun and had NO BUSINESS BEING THAT GOOD. Plus there was everyone’s favorite bop “Everything is Awesome.”

This doesn’t have as good of a score, in my opinion, but the soundtrack is still good. “Not Evil” is just ridiculous and super fun, and if I was still auditioning for musicals I would ABSOLUTELY use it. “Catchy Song” does, as the lyrics say, get stuck in your head. But it’s fun and cute, and the scene in the movie that features it is one of my favorites. “Gotham City Guys” is…okay. It’s a fun song, but the relationship built up between the queen and Batman is just…I mean it’s fanfiction material. It’s not bad, it’s juuuuuuust…unique?

But the real amazing song is, and wait for it… “Everything’s Not Awesome.”

Yeah. They did that.

Just when all hope seems lost, the group sings about how yes, everything is NOT awesome. It’s the same tune as “Everything is Awesome” but slowed down and with a piano and really, really sad lyrics…UNTIL……

Lucy’s lyrics in the song are amazing, and this song is what really helped change my mind about the film. She sings “Everything’s not awesome/but that doesn’t mean that it’s hopeless and bleak/everything’s not awesome but in my heart I believe/we can make things better if we stick together/side by side, you and I, we will build it together” which is cute, right?

It then combines with the lyrics to “Catchy Song” but instead of “this song’s gonna get stuck inside your head” the cast sings “this song’s gonna get stuck inside your heart.” WHICH IS SO DORKY AND RIDICULOUS AND I LOVE IT.

Then, the song goes on: “Everything’s not awesome/things can’t be awesome all of the time/it’s unrealistic expectation/but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make everything awesome/in a less idealistic kind of way”

WHICH. LIKE.

Not to mention that the first credits song is all about how awesome credits are because we get to see the names of all the other people who worked on the movie (they timed it so that they sing about specific people like the editor when their name is onscreen and it’s adorable) which like yes!!! Give those people love!! The other two credits songs are all about how we should come together even if we’re different if there was ever a message kids should hear these days, it’s that. They go about their lives seeing adults fight constantly, so to see this movie and get the message that it’s better to work together and focus on love rather than hate…I support this.

my last three brain cells

THE CHARACTERS

Many of the characters are exactly who we loved from the first film (with the possible exception of Batman because I still just…I don’t know how I feel about his whole marriage arc) and it’s a delight. Emmett is relatable AF as always, Lucy is an amazing badass who like faces consequences and changes her mind and realizes the power of love which like YES, Unikitty, MetalBeard, and Benny are sweet lil’ beans yet again. General/Sweet Mayhem is adorable and my love for her increased when I realized she was voiced by Stephanie Beatriz (HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT I AM THE WORST FAN). Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi was super funky and I loved her constant shape-shifting through the film, it was just fun to watch (and after the big twist, my love for her increased). The Queen’s minions (Ice Cream Cone and Banarnar are the two really coming to mind because they were my favs) are super fun, and of course, our human characters are great. Finn and Bianca are super great and I love them, and even though we didn’t see Will Ferrell as Dad this time, we DID see Maya Rudolph as Mom which was fun!

I’m upset Vitruvius didn’t make an appearance, even as a ghost, but I’m most upset about Bad Cop. YOU GAVE LORD BUSINESS TWO WHOLE GOLF REFERENCES, AND BAD COP DOESN’T EVEN GET A WORD, JUST A GRUNT???

#rude

Rex Dangervest is…is a character. I like the meta jokes about who he is (IT’S BECAUSE HE’S VOICED BY CHRIS PRATT GET IT) but he’s never that likable, and granted he’s actually not supposed to be as we learn later. But unfortunately that means we’re stuck with him for a lot of the film, and he’s just…ugh he’s so loud and obsessed with destruction and bleh.

“But wait isn’t that the point?” YES. Exactly.

Let’s talk about the big twists so we can go into why Rex is the worst.

I love how the soldiers’ weapons are cake pops but also WHY DOES BIANCA HAVE SO MANY CAKE POPS AND WHY ISN’T SHE EATING THEM CAKE POPS ARE GREAT, BIANCA

THE TWIST(S)

The clock is ticking down the minutes to the dreaded 5:15, which is when the Queen will marry Batman (that is a real sentence I just typed, yes). Lucy has met up with Emmett and Rex and they have concocted a plan to destroy the wedding ceremony. However, Lucy learns that General Mayhem, without her helmet, is actually Sweet Mayhem, and is super nice and also? The Queen does not want to destroy the world and bring about Armamageddon, she just wants to unite their two worlds in love so the fighting can stop! The whole fight, Lucy and Sweet have been going back and forth with “you started it, no you started it!” And when Lucy points that out, Sweet says no, really, you guys started it.

At the same time, the Queen takes her original form: the heart that Emmett gave the aliens at the beginning of the movie. Lucy realizes that the aliens have never wanted to fight, they took the heart Emmett gave them and made it their queen!

At the same time again, we learn why she’s called Queen Watevra Wa”Nabi: when Bianca first started playing with Legos when she was a lot younger, Finn made her that Lego heart and gave it to her, telling her it could be “whatever she wanted it to be.”

AWWWWWWWW

Also, her friends were never brainwashed like she thought, they just genuinely liked the Systar System better because it’s happier there and everyone is friends! (Which means that Superman and Green Lantern were not brainwashed into being friends, they just genuinely became friends which IS ALSO GROWTH OKAY)

Lucy tries to stop Emmett, but Rex convinces him that Lucy must also be brainwashed, so he goes through with destroying everything.

This has us cut to “reality,” where Mom walks in on Finn and Bianca fighting again-Finn (as Emmett) destroyed the tower Bianca built because she took his stuff (the characters that Mayhem captured). Mom (after stepping on a Lego twice because can you believe they didn’t have that gag in the first movie) says alright, this is really it now, time to pack up the Legos and put them into storage. Finn tells Bianca (as he grabs the spaceship containing Emmett and Rex, allowing them to “make their escape) that she “ruined everything” and she says softly after him that she just wanted him to play with her. (This brings to mind the scene earlier where Sweet Mayhem was telling Lucy that they wanted to be friends because they really looked up to them, which translates to Bianca wants to play with Finn because she really looks up to her brother AND I’M CRYING)

This next twist is…a trip.

Rex reveals to Emmett that he IS EMMETT. He is Emmett who got tossed under the dryer and never found, who hardened because of that, and built a time machine to go back and save himself from…himself. It’s a little funky, but it explains why Chris Pratt voices both characters. Emmett is horrified, but Rex points out that this is great though, look at how tough and mature Emmett is now! Isn’t that what he wanted?

We cut back to our other group, thrown into the bins with the lids on. I kid you not, they show us a THE END TITLE CARD. YEAH. THEY DO THAT.

But Lucy says “woah, no, this is not that story that ends on a depressing cliffhanger.”

This is when “Everything’s Not Awesome” is sung, and the music maybe metaphorically reaches Finn’s heart, and he opens the bin of Legos from his sister’s room. He finds the pieces that build up the Queen, and he remakes her as a heart. He brings it to his sister in her room as the music swells and it’s ADORABLE, OKAY.

Meanwhile, Rex has banished Emmett to under the dryer to think about his actions or something, but then Rex comes there anyway to like beat him up I guess. But Lucy comes for him and saves him!! Lucy and Emmett talk to Rex, try to get him to come with them, but Rex says that since Lucy came for Emmett, Rex will never exist now (“I’m Back to the Future-ing!” he says I KID YOU NOT).

There’s one more twist I promise (although it’s just kind of funny). Anyway, we catch up with Mom, who hears her kids and walks outside to find them playing together with the Legos, and it’s super sweet. She smiles watching them, and then we hear Will Ferrell from inside yell “honey, where are my pants?”

YEAH REMEMBER HOW THAT WAS NEVER EXPLAINED IN THE FIRST MOVIE. GOD BLESS, THAT MEANS FINN HEARS HIS DAD SAY THAT A LOT. I LOVE IT.

I dunno how much acting Pratt had to do for this character tbh I mean…that’s the joke

THE MESSAGE

So the big overall message is one of unity, like I mentioned earlier with the music. There’s no big epic fight, just like how there wasn’t a big epic fight in the first film. There’s just reconciliation between a family, and it’s done in a really sweet way in both movies.

Another message that centers around Rex entirely is that of the dangers of toxic masculinity. Think about it: Rex’s big power is that he can destroy things. He loves it, he LIVES for it; that’s his thing, and he’s proud of it. He was hardened by no one coming to save him under the dryer, and he let that anger control him into wanting to ruin the possible happiness and reconciliation between the two worlds. He is, very purposely, every single action hero ever.

(Quick sidenote and speaking of action heroes: the Bruce Willis cameos in the film were AMAZING. I mean, so random, but great)

Rex represents all the anger Finn feels at Bianca. She steals his toys, she ruins everything…so he breaks her stuff.

One of my favorite lines is when Emmett is talking to Rex at the end and says that there’s nothing about what Rex does that is particularly tough-he takes the easy way out and never wants to connect with or save anyone, only himself. Emmett says that “opening your heart? That’s really tough.”

You could argue when Rex is “Back to the Future-ing” at the end, he does open up a little to Lucy and Emmett, but the important thing is just that: he disappears. He is all anger and destruction and he is not needed.

Now he did teach Emmett how to destroy, and that’s a part of him now. Heck, Rex IS Emmett, remember?

But that’s not all Emmett is. He doesn’t have a perfectly chiseled face, he doesn’t thrive off of loneliness and destroying things, he’s a dork who named his plant “Planty” and buys his girl coffee every morning, he remembers the name of every cat that belongs to that one lady he says hi to every day, he is constantly full of hope, he loves his friends, he loves pop music, and he believes correctly that opening your heart is a really tough thing to do…but it’s worth it. He has never once fought a major villain in the franchise-he talks to them. He offers his hand to them. He tells them that love is more powerful than anything else.

And Lucy loves him for it. All his friends love him for it.

Kids are seeing that anger doesn’t actually solve anything, but peace and love does.

Which brings us to some…interesting reviews I’ve seen…

I wonder if the men are mad because Batman looks like this for most of the film

THE REVIEWS

So you know how Google has this thing where, if you Google a movie now, you can see critic reviews and audience reviews?

So like, I read a while ago that some people started boycotting the Lego: Batman movie because-and I’m serious-it is gay propaganda. The reason? Because Robin is adopted by Bruce Wayne…and Batman. So it promotes…”same-sex adoption.”

I cannot stress how much Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person.

Reviews of that nature have also come after this movie…there are complaints about Bianca’s shirt, which has a rainbow collar (yes, really). There are complaints about Batman’s marriage to Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi because it promotes a marriage to a “nonbinary character.” At first I thought they were referring to the Queen, although characters throughout the film refer to the Queen as “her” which like, she could still be nonbinary, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. Then I realized-Batman. Batman’s nonbinary, of course. That’s why they’re all upset (refer to photo above).

Other complaints are about how it features “undermining the father’s role in the home” (IS THIS BECAUSE WE ONLY HEARD WILL FERRELL AND DIDN’T SEE HIM. HE’S PROBABLY HIDING AFTER THAT DISASTER OF A SHERLOCK HOLMES ADAPTATION HE TRIED TO BE IN) and that it features a character with blue hair who is a “social justice warrior” (I am happy to report that I just today dyed my hair blue, I will be reporting to my social justice warrior camp in the morning).

There are even complaints about how the female characters save the day.

It’s people like this who the movie is targeting, in a way. They are the Rex Dangervest’s of the world. And they had to watch (with their CHILDREN) themselves get undermined on the big screen by a blue-haired FEMALE social justice warrior, a nonbinary Batman, and a girl with a rainbow collared shirt (in front of their CHILDREN).

I don’t want to attack anyone who thinks all of that, really I don’t. I just think maybe if those are your complaints about the movie, maybe you’re not really watching it, you’re just looking for things to hate about it. Everything seems like an attack on you personally when you view it that way. Also? It’s a kid’s movie. Also also? It’s a MOVIE. IT’S MADE-UP, Y’ALL.

I’m not saying it doesn’t have an effect even though it’s made-up, I’m just saying we’re going to war over something that doesn’t really warrant it. I mean…one of the characters is a banana. Who slips on his own peel frequently. That is a recurring gag in the film.

But if you think this movie is bad for your kids because it’s pushing some kind of “politically correct agenda” which is simply…”be nice to each other”, then, well, yeah, I’m gonna make fun of you for it a lil’ bit. And I will absolutely keep dying my hair blue and wearing rainbows all the time.

(also like someone complained that Benny is gay?? And like, I’m super bi you guys, if I missed the big gay agenda push with Benny, I don’t think it’s there. If we’re gonna label it, I would say Benny’s pretty asexual. Have you seen him get excited about literally anything else other than a spaceship? Yeah)

Planty is never seen again after this scene. RIP Planty.

“OOF” MOMENT

I’ve already expressed my distaste at the ONE TINY SCENE THAT THEY GAVE TO BAD COP, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. But I think I’d have to award this moment to the scene where Maya Rudolph steps on a Lego…twice. While it’s an appropriate gag, obviously, it felt very Maya Rudolph-y and not very…Lego Movie-y. It just felt out of place with the tone of the movie. And the tone of this movie is like, allllll over the place.

Also like, whatever scene confirmed Benny’s gayness for a lot of angry parents. It was so bad and subtle I MISSED IT.

FAVORITE MOMENT

The entire ending with all the heartfeltness is probably it, but I have to highlight the scene where Unikitty becomes…Ultrakatty. I feel like I appreciate cat jokes a lot more now that I have a cat. Also there’s a scene where a loud noise wakes Unikitty up and she just puffs up like crazy. It was my cat on the screen, basically.

Also the second part of the credits is ridiculously adorable because it shows pictures of the Lego creations of real-live siblings and it’s SO. CUTE.

“they come in pieces” these are the PUNS

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Like I’ve said, I’ve never really been able to convince people that the Lego movies are actually really, really good. I still genuinely think the first movie is better, but this one is a worthy follow-up, even though it’s not quite as good.

If you liked the first one, even if you were unimpressed with Batman and Ninjago, I think you will like this one. It goes back to its roots more than the spin-offs do, and it is genuinely enjoyable, especially once the twist kicks in. Plus, there are SO MANY META JOKES. SO MANY.

If you’re looking for reasons to hate it, like I said, you won’t like it, of course. If you like fun, feel-good movies and you’re willing to give this a chance, please consider checking out the original and then seeing this one.

They are really, really good, I promise!!

All in all, I give The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part,

4/5 BASIC LEGO BRICKS WITH EXAGGERATED ANIME EYES!!

Because for some reason all of the Systar System characters had crazy big anime eyes. It must be for the added emphasis on those puppy-eyes scenes.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Bunch of repeats, although some of them had a new version of the trailer, like Uglydolls (brace yourself, guys, the bad guy seems to be…A BLONDE WHITE MALE!!!) and How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (I am SO EXCITED and also SO TERRIFIED if they do ANYTHING to Toothless, I genuinely won’t survive. I’m crying over animated flying lizards already and we still have a week). Newbies include Toy Story 4 which…ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why is this happening?? Is it the money???? It’s the money, isn’t it. They ended it PERFECTLY with Toy Story 3, but noooooooo. And look, it’s Pixar, and it’s the Toy Story franchise, so it has a good chance of being like, actually good. But….why does it exist in the first place??? Stupid money. Speaking of cash-grabs, The Secret Life of Pets 2 looks….aight, I guess. I was real excited about the first one, and then it was just kinda…meh. So I don’t have high hopes for this one. The one I’m REALLY excited for is Detective Pikachu. I mean…that is my and a whole lot of other people’s childhoods coming to life in a very, very weird way on screen and I am SO EXCITED. Plus like, Ryan Reynolds as Pikachu??? I am living.

Thankfully I didn’t have to sit through another Brightburn trailer this time.

That’s it for this review! I guess one reason I don’t understand the negative reviews (mostly because I disagree with the basis entirely) is because I really wanted to just…pull the good things out of it? Like I said, it’s not as good as the first one I don’t think, but there’s still really heartwarming stuff that happens. But I forget that we don’t like heartwarming I guess.

Anyway, I thought it was good, and I’m all down for skewing the review results against people who are angry about the movie because Benny is…gay.

I just-he’s not even the character who wore the rainbow-collared shirt??? Whatever.

Miss Bala 2019 Review

PlayerOne1 Comment
but like hear me out, even the tagline is misleading because…she doesn’t really change, it’s just her though? I mean she gets a gun but she doesn’t even really use it, my dudes

So a couple days ago, I took myself to the movies and saw Miss Bala, which WOW, that trailer was misleading. It wasn’t misleading in a bad way, at least in my opinion, but I can see where some people may have gone to see it expecting one movie, and then they got an entirely DIFFERENT movie.

So what was this movie, billed as an intense action-thriller starring Gina Rodriguez ruining a whole bunch of men’s lives in an incredible red dress?

So hear me out, in some ways, it was exactly that. But it was also so much more.

So let’s learn all about the incredible power of female friendship because, and I cannot stress this enough, THAT’S what Miss Bala is really about.

if only we could all look as put together while we contemplate our life decisions

THE PLOT

The movie begins following Gloria Fuentes (Gina Rodriguez), a professional makeup artist who dreams of being more and maybe like even a designer one day instead of following the same old boring canned designs? She and the audience get a grim in-your-face reminder of her position when her supervisor flat-out says “we don’t pay you to think.”

Great, thanks for that.

But it can only bring her down for so long, because after the fashion show, Gloria heads down to Tijuana, Mexico to spend the weekend with her best friend Suzu (Cristina Rodlo). Suzu is entering the Miss Baja California pageant, and Gloria, naturally, will be her makeup artist. There’s a really fun scene where they sign up and the pageant coordinator gives her a once-over and Gloria’s all “oh yeah I’m not entering” and the coordinator just full-out Regina George is like “oh I didn’t think so.” (Like?? has she SEEN Gina Rodriguez???) Suzu takes on the audience’s reaction and is ready to THROW DOWN with this coordinator, but Gloria talks her out of it.

Later that night, Gloria is practicing Suzu’s makeup and they have a really sweet heart-to-heart about how they’re family and all and Suzu gives Gloria this dorky adorable friendship bracelet she made her and it’s all very nice.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT HAPPY STUFF, we cut to Suzu and Gloria heading to a club to shmooze with some of the pageant higher-ups (Suzu drops the plot point here that the chief of police tends to sleep with the pageant winner every year BUT IT’S A RUMOR OKAY EVERYTHING’S FINE). Gloria heads to the bathroom after Mr. Chief of Police GROPES her, but she doesn’t want to ruin Suzu’s chance at winning, so she just quietly leaves. In the stall, though, she sees and hears a group of guys break in through the ceiling vent and um, they got guns. One of them finds Gloria and pulls her out, which is where she first makes eye contact with the leader, Lino Esparza (Ismael Cruz Cordova). Though egged on to shoot Gloria because she’s seen them, Lino seems to find her intriguing because she’s an American. He tells her she has ten seconds to get out.

Gloria desperately tries to get to Suzu in the crowded club, but it’s too late-the guys open fire on the club and it’s chaos. Gloria barely makes it out, but she still cannot find Suzu (though she keeps passing girls who could be her, but they keep getting shot or hurt and it’s jarring). She ends up spending the night in a cafe with other survivors, with Suzu not answering her phone. Gloria finds a policeman outside, says she’s a survivor and she saw the men who did this. The policeman offers to take her to the station, but something’s wrong. Instead, he takes her to a hotel, and she is grabbed by none other than Lino Esparza’s men.

She is later barely able to escape after being forced to leave a car with a bomb inside parked outside a safehouse. Because of this, she is captured by the DEA, and told she will only be released if she delivers Lino to the DEA.

The rest of the movie is a tense back-and-forth between Gloria and her life with Esparza’s men, all while desperately searching for Suzu. Can she save Suzu and escape from a life of crime, or will she be forced to live out her days as a slave to Esparza’s gang, forever wondering what happened to her dear friend?

this is basically the movie, various men telling Gloria what to do while she just death-stares the entire time

THE REVIEW

Even from the plot summary, it sounds like the movie that was advertised. I mean, isn’t it, in some way, a version of Taken? I mean even the tagline “who would you become to save your family?” I mean it’s…it’s Taken, you guys.

Except it’s not. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually liked Taken when I saw it, but this is not that movie. The way it’s billed, you think Gloria will develop some kind of relationship with Lino and be his gang queen or something, but really she’s doing it to save her friend so it’s all a lie. And like…that is not what happens. You can tell it’s what Lino wants to happen (except for the it being all a lie part)-he’s obsessed with Gloria pretty much from the moment he sees her. He is beyond happy to control her and make her special, groom her into being his “queen.”

But Gloria? She is having NONE of that.

Even when it seems hopeless, and it seems hopeless a LOT, Gloria never loses sight of her goal: Suzu. Saving Suzu is all she wants. She is not in it for any kind of sick relationship with Lino or DEA guy (SPOILER granted, DEA guy doesn’t really last long enough to even make it a possibility but also he kinda betrayed Gloria so we don’t care for him that much tbh).

Now, are there action-packed scenes as advertised? Yes, of course. But you know how in movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Liam Neeson or I guess Dwayne Johnson is doing stuff like that now whatever ANYWAY, generally in movies like that, the action scenes are “fun?” They’re always played to show you how impossibly immortal our main guy is, or how weird and ridiculous some of the stunts can get. They’re played to bring out your inner animal to cheer for all the destruction or something I guess, I’ve never enjoyed stuff like that so I can’t speak for why they’re the way they are. The action scenes in this movie are never enjoyable, they’re never there to show off stunts and grunts and whatever else you look for. These scenes are appropriately horrific. The shootout in the club at the beginning is terrifying and stressful, the stand-off in the lot between the gang and the DEA is tense and difficult, and the final assault on the party, despite it being the most played up in the trailer, is scary. It just is.

And honestly? It’s one of the things I appreciate the most about the movie. It felt real, not just played up for entertainment.

I could go on about that for a while, but there are other reasons this movie isn’t the movie that was advertised. I’ll go into those more down below.

So it’s not the movie that was advertised-but is it good?

Honestly? It’s pretty okay.

Like The Kid Who Would Be King, I don’t think this is a movie that’ll win any awards. It’s a little messy, especially in the beginning, and the ending kinda comes out of nowhere. Plus, even though it knows what movie it wants to be, it was not advertised as such, so people don’t really know what to do with it. Plus apparently it’s very loosely based off of a 2011 Mexican film of the same name, so some people have an issue with that.

Look, despite the messiness, I still think there are interesting and good things in this film-plus, Gina Rodriguez is a goddess.

I can’t fully detail my opinion here, so let’s just dive in deeper and discuss.

Spoilers ahead!!

what do you mean she doesn’t look like she’s in the middle of a shootout in this picture isn’t that what you’d look like

THE MUSIC

I really liked the music! I don’t think there was any one musical moment that really stood out to me, although the club shootout was eerie because the club music kept playing over the carnage which was just…very unsettling. Effective, but also just kind of…blech.

Actually, having looked up the soundtrack on Spotify, I can say that the sweet guitar theme in the song called “Gloria & Suzu” is adorable and sweet, and then “Gloria Drives” is a direct contradiction and is super suspenseful and just ACK.

Also, we have to talk about the end credits song “Call the Shots” by Leslie Grace because DAMN. The lyrics are exactly why I like what I do like about this movie, and we’ll get into why in a later section. But seriously, this song is good. Add it to your “empowerment” playlist.

man this entire scene where he flips her hair all over on one side and she just glares at him in the mirror like AHHHH

THE CHARACTERS

Probably appropriately, we don’t have a lot of characters to discuss because a lot of them don’t get fully developed (I mean many of them do die so).

We have to start with our leading lady, light of my soul, Gloria Fuentes. I’m probably biased because I would die for Gina Rodriguez, but Gloria is a wonderful lead to follow through the movie. Again, her goal the entire time is just to find and save her best friend, and it’s just so pure and good you want her to succeed. Gloria is not perfect of course. She breaks down a lot on various jobs from Lino, I mean girl is scared, all right, and in order to save herself she accidentally helps her new comrade Isabel get…killed. You could argue that it is that scene, however, that helps to solidify her actions in the final act. Anyway, point is, Gloria is a good character to follow, and she is smart, capable, and has a good arc-we’re happy that she wins in the end because she deserves it. She is constantly underestimated by the men in the film, and she lets them, partly because she is used to it, but also because it leads to their downfall in many cases and her victory. Fools.

Suzu is, unfortunately, absent from much of the film, but she is an absolute ray of sunshine when she is onscreen. This is good because we have to want her to be rescued. In the little bit we do see of her, she clearly cares for Gloria a lot, and she just genuinely wants to win Miss Baja California. She is too pure and good and I’m so happy she’s okay in the end. I mean, unfortunately, she’s changed because of what happened to her, but she does get rescued.

Lino Esparza is a fascinating villain, and the more I think about it, the more I’m glad they depicted him the way they did. The movie does a fantastic job of painting him as a monster and a human. He does terrible, terrible things. He kills without a second thought. He has no problem ordering Gloria to strip for him, to lie down next to him, to untie his boots for him. He is absolutely drunk on the power he owns because he believes he deserves it. But…he’s dang attractive! And he at least seems to care for Gloria, sort of, but more importantly, look! He has a sweet family who cooks delicious food and there are children and he’s great with them and one day he just wants to buy that land so they just own it and awwww!! Lino is humanized to some degree for both the audience and Gloria, but never so much that we forget how awful he is. He’s well-rounded, and that’s important!

There are other characters, like I mentioned, but they’re not developed or even really important in the way that those three are. Lino has a henchman who never trusts Gloria and treats Isabel like a sex slave. DEA guy Brian has no soul (he tells Gloria there will be a SWAT guy available to get her out of the standoff, but when Gloria says there isn’t anyone there, he just says “k you’re on your own bye” LIKE. EXCUSE YOU). Suzu has a little brother who is Gloria’s godson and he is precious and also comes out unharmed! Isabel is precious, if I could have made any changes, it would have been to have both her AND Gloria take Lino’s crew down, but I get why her death happened.

Basically, the characters that were developed are well-developed, and that’s important. There aren’t a lot of them, but there don’t really need to be. We don’t need to know Henchman #1’s entire backstory to dislike him for the way he behaves towards Isabel. DEA guy Brian had plenty of character development in the betrayal scene and that was all I needed to know about him honestly.

Gina Rodriguez cries a lot in this movie and can I just say how illegal that should be

THE TWIST

I guess the first twist is in the middle when Gloria saves Lino in the lot standoff, but that was shown in the trailer so doesn’t count. The big twist comes at the very end.

Throughout the film, Gloria has been asking Lino to help her find Suzu because he promised. He dances around the topic a lot, but that’s just kind of how he is so it’s not really suspicious…until it is.

The ultimate plan is for Gloria to infiltrate the Miss Baja California pageant and win so that she can be invited to the Chief of Police’s room (yeah that rumor where he sleeps with the winner? HAHA NOT A RUMOR). Once there, Esparza’s men will attack and take him down so that she can find Suzu.

At the party, Gloria does find Suzu! But when she pulls Suzu aside to talk, she discovers something awful-Suzu was sold into a sex-trafficking ring run by none other than Lino Esparza himself. She has a tattoo on her hand that matches the one on Lino’s back-a tattoo logo.

So the whole time Lino was pretending to be looking for Suzu, he knew exactly where she was.

Filled with fury at this revelation but being taken to the Chief of Police’s room now, she decides to ruin the plan. She writes on a card to show to the Chief of Police that Lino Esparza is coming to kill him. This of course leads to a gigantic shootout that Gloria walks through (remember that footage from the trailer with her in the red dress? Mmm. Yep.).

There, she finds both Suzu…and Lino. Lino, still playing innocent, tells Gloria “see! I told you we’d find her!” But Gloria is having none of it. She asks Suzu to show Lino her hand with the tattoo. So Lino knows now, but even though Gloria’s pointing a gun at him, he doesn’t think she’ll shoot (this mirrors an earlier scene where he was teaching her to shoot and she had the gun pointed at him for a time). Unlike earlier though, she does take the shot. This ties in to the bigger theme of the film:

I have a lot of feelings about this dress

THE THEME

Underestimating women, but especially Gloria, is what I would argue to be the main theme of the film.

Throughout the entire film, Gloria is underestimated by every man she comes in contact with. Her supervisor? She “doesn’t get paid to think.” DEA guy Brian? Cool if she can bring them Lino, but if not, she’ll be another casualty in the standoff and not his problem. Henchman #1? He just doesn’t want her to distract Lino, but of course she can’t be the mole. Also, she’s a terrible cook who sets the kitchen on fire (newsflash: she did it on purpose as part of her plan and also you’re an idiot). And most of all: Lino Esparza. He thinks Gloria is fascinating and he likes her because she’s American, like he was. He senses some fight in her, but not enough to do anything about it. He degrades her by touching her, ordering her around, dressing her up, by owning her. He teaches her to shoot because he wants her to be able to defend herself on their next job because obviously she’s totally going to stay with him, but he does not think she will shoot him even when she’s pointing a gun at him.

Women are objects for men throughout the film. It’s ironic that part of the last job takes place at a beauty pageant, something famously ridiculed for the way it showcases women. Suzu is sold as a sex slave, and she’s entering this pageant knowing, probably, that if she wins she may have no choice but to sleep with the Chief of Police. Isabel is absolutely a sex slave for Henchman #1, and both she and Gloria are immediately delegated to cooking for the men at their hideout. Every party shown in the movie has obvious shots of women in tight dresses leading men out of room post-sex, shots of strippers, shots of girls whose only job is to look pretty for the men that own them in this world.

This movie does not end with Gloria taking a gun and shooting all of Esparza’s men in revenge, as well as every other horny guy there. She uses the gun on the Chief of Police, someone who canonically has taken advantage of and slept with who knows how many desperate girls simply because he can, someone who has groped not only Gloria but multiple girls throughout the film. She uses the gun on Lino Esparza, the man in charge of the sex trafficking ring that took her best friend, the man who tried to groom, abuse, and use her, the man who killed Isabel without a second thought because sometimes “sacrifices need to be made.”

And that’s it.

Once Lino is dead, Gloria grabs Suzu and they immediately surrender to the police.

I think that’s why many people (specifically all the old white guy reviewers on Rotten Tomatoes #I’MJUSTSAYING) don’t like this film. It was advertised as that big macho man movie except ohhhhh DUDE it has Gina Rodriguez in a tight red dress DUUUUUUUUDE!!!

Gloria is never objectified for the audience’s sake. She is objectified by the men in the film because that is the point-these men underestimate her and think they can own her, and they cannot.

Why?

Because of female friendship. Gloria’s quest to find Suzu is what drives her, and she never, ever wavers. When she shoots the Chief of Police, she is also shooting the man who would have forced Suzu to sleep with him if she’d won the pageant. When she shoots Lino, she is also shooting the man who sold her friend like a collectible trinket.

Despite being advertised as a big, violent movie with GUNS!, guns are never glorified in the way it was maybe advertised. Lino loves his weapons of course, but again, Gloria only uses it to bring two of her and Suzu’s and many, many women’s abusers down. Then, she drops it. She doesn’t need it anymore. In an age where there are violent shootings every day in the US, I admire this movie for not painting it as some kind of saving grace for Gloria-it was a tool to save her and her friend, and then, she was done.

There’s a lot of Lino dressing Gloria up and then staring at her while she just looks so, so, so very done

THE RELATIONSHIP

I have to talk a little about the Lino/Gloria relationship because I really appreciate the way it was handled.

It would have been incredibly easy to have some sort of “romantic” element added to it-Lino clearly at least lusts for her, and Gloria starts to see some sort of human side to him after he takes her to see his family.

However, it never went that direction, and I am so thankful for that.

Every scene with Lino and Gloria is kind of disgusting to some degree, which is exactly how it should be. He’s constantly staring at her, touching her, flat-out ordering her to strip, or messing with her hair. It’s never loving, it’s always possessive. And Gloria never reacts like maybe she wants it, ever-she’s always stone-faced and clearly trying not to like, scream. Maybe that’s just what I wanted to do.

Even when Gloria may start seeing some sort of good in him, this is immediately shattered by how easy it is for him to murder Isabel. This is a double-edged sword, because it was Gloria’s action of putting the tracking chip in Isabel’s phone (though granted, she did not know it was Isabel’s phone when she did it, she was on a time-limit) that led to her being labeled a traitor. But that’s all Lino needs to execute her, despite Gloria’s screams of protest. She begs to just be able to talk to him, maybe she can make him see sense, but Lino doesn’t let her, he wants her to be taken away where she can’t interfere.

This action solidifies Gloria’s feelings toward him. It SUCKS that Isabel dies, but in a way it’s necessary for Gloria to fully realize Lino as a monster. You could argue that the discovery of the link between Suzu and Lino also does this, but I think you have to build it gradually. Gloria’s furious at Lino, but she won’t do anything to him because her priority is Suzu. Once Suzu is found oh and also he’s the one in charge of that trafficking ring? Then all bets are off.

Basically, they could have added this Stockholm syndrome plotline to this, and I’m so glad they didn’t.

one of a couple different posters for the original movie

THE RE-IMAGINING

The poster above is one for the 2011 movie I mentioned earlier. It also got mixed reviews, but generally people seemed to like it, especially those people angry about this new movie.

I think because they share a title and a very, very basic plot connection, it’s easy to claim this 2019 movie is a remake, in which case it would be a very bad one. The main character is completely different and the Miss Baja California plotline is played way, WAY down.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair to call this film a remake-I would say it’s more of a re-imagining. Even the opening credits claim it’s inspired by the 2011 film, not based on.

Now, I haven’t seen the 2011 film, but from what I gather and see, the bullet imagery is played up a lot more in that film than this one. The point of that film is the infiltration of the beauty pageant-the point of this film is Gloria as a character and her friendship with Suzu. The pageant is never the point, merely a side thing.

Anyway, you’re welcome to do what you want of course, I just generally don’t think it’s fair to compare these two films since honestly, they seem to be very different. Should the 2019 film have been named something different, then? I mean yeah, maybe. But like The Power of Friendship sounds like a My Little Pony movie, so…

LOOK. AT. THAT. DRESS.

“OOF” MOMENT

Again, every scene where Lino touched Gloria just was GROSS and EW but we gotta give this one to the ending where Gloria is suddenly recruited by the CIA?????

Um…I mean cool she deserves it but also WHAT.

FAVORITE MOMENT

When Gloria found Suzu and gave her the friendship bracelet she’d been holding on to to show her that she’d been looking for her this whole time I JUST THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH I SUPPORT THEM.

same poster again because I couldn’t find an alternate one? Did they make any?

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

So listen-it’s honestly tough for me to recommend this movie. I saw a review that called it “genre-defying” and I agree with that. It’s hard to place this movie because it’s so…not what people thought. And that’s not a bad thing, at least for me. I did like it, and I loved the direction it took, but the violence is tough to watch. Again, I feel like it’s meant to be because it’s not directed as entertaining action scenes, which is good. It’s appropriately horrific, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch.

Still, the violence is not the entire movie. Gina Rodriguez absolutely steals the show and does amazing, and it’s so, so satisfying when she finds Suzu and wins. If you like typical action thrillers, you may not like this film. But if you like character-driven, tense films where the bad guys DEFINITELY LOSE and the good girls are incredible AND WIN, then I think you might like this one. Above all else, I think it does have a good story with great characters, and again, a very satisfying ending (prior to the CIA recruitment because that was just waaaaaay out of left field).

As a whole, I give this film…

3/5 FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS!!!!

Because we all know it, that friendship bracelet was a much bigger symbol to the film than a bullet, despite both film title and advertising.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

You would think that by now I’ve seen the Pet Sematary trailer enough to know and prepare for that stupid truck jumpscare in the beginning. I’m not, though. Lots of repeat trailers for this movie, but our new contenders are: Captain Marvel, which I will absolutely be seeing. I mean, Marvel finally giving a female superhero their own movie???? I’M THERE. Plus I would die for Brie Larson, much like I would die for Gina Rodriguez. Cold Pursuit looks…meh. It was so hard to tell what the movie was even about from the trailer, it was just like “LOOK! LIAM NEESON! Also explosions! Cars in trees! Loud noises! Excitement! LIAM NEESON AGAIN!” so um…right now it’s a no from me, unless there’s some incredible plot or I hear good things. But. Meh. And then there was Brightburn, which when I was taking notes in my phone I actually wrote “Brightburn what the GUCK” and I didn’t correct it because that feels a lot more accurate to how I feel about it. I mean, we’ve all been spammed with trailers for The Prodigy, and now this looks like almost the same film except the kid is like an evil..alien? I guess? That stupid jumpscare at the end though. Nope.

And that does it for this review!

Is Miss Bala a great movie? Not really. But I can appreciate and like things about it, and if you think you can too, I recommend taking yourself to the movies to see Miss Bala.

Or if you just wanna see Gina Rodriguez walk around in that dress with explosions in the background because honestly, price of admission, right there.