Long Shot (2019) REVIEW

May 14, 2019May 16, 2019 PlayerOneLeave a comment

So maybe a week ago? Two weeks ago? Whatever time isn’t real.

Anyway, I took myself (and the parents) to the movies and we saw Long Shot.

I did mention Long Shot in the “trailers to watch out for” section of…something. Again, time isn’t real.

I desperately wanted this to be good because there have been so many not great romantic comedies recently and I really, really wanted one.

This one? This one is good. This one is real good.

THE PLOT

So we start off by following Fred Flarsky (Seth Rogan), a no-nonsense journalist who is currently in the middle of going undercover at a white supremacist meeting/rally thing to try and expose them. In the middle of getting a swastika tattoo, his cover is blown and he has to escape–right out a window. Somehow, he survives this incident (this is a theme throughout the movie, Fred is made of some crazy indestructible materials apparently) and is able to escape successfully.

(sidenote–can we talk about how amazing it is that normally in a romantic comedy, the trope is for the girl to be the journalist and the guy to be some successful something or other? The roles are switched here and it’s GREAT)

We then catch up with Charlotte Field (Charlize Theron), the current Secretary of State, as she goes about her normal morning routine of doing the impossible all at once and flawlessly. Seriously, it’s kind of uncomfortable watching her do a phone interview while on an exercise bike. How.

Charlotte is called in to meet with the current president, President Chambers (Bob Odenkirk). Chambers is an…unconventional president to say the least, and in one of my favorite moments, he compliments her on being a great secretary (“…of State.” She adds), and she is able to get him to say he will endorse her for future president while making it seem like it was his idea and a good thing for him to do all at once. Seriously, she’s amazing, and she knows how to play the game.

Charlotte’s employees, Maggie Millikin (June Diane Raphael) and Tom (Ravi Patel) sit with her while they are meeting some other team members to go over Charlotte’s numbers. Of course, most of the numbers are about her likability rather than her policies because this is America and that’s how we judge women. The main number she needs to work on currently is sense of humor, so Maggie suggests some speech writers for Charlotte to interview who will help with that.

Meanwhile, Fred quits his job because the company gets bought out by Parker Wembley (Andy Serkis). Wembley is…not a great guy, to say the very least, and Fred complains that much of the company’s goals at least originally were to expose people like Wembley. But in true capitalistic fashion, money wins, and Fred quits.

Fred’s bestie Lance (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) gets him into a fancy party in an attempt to cheer him up, and that’s where Fred and Charlotte meet again for the first time in years. Charlotte used to babysit for Fred when she was in high school, and they haven’t seen each other since. Charlotte calls him over because she feels like she remembers him, and the two have a very adorable meet-cute which is promptly interrupted by Fred confronting Wembley, which is promptly interrupted by Fred flying face-first down the stairs (I’m telling you, he’s indestructible).

Later, Charlotte looks up some of Fred’s writing and likes it enough that she tells Maggie to bring him in. Maggie is less than thrilled about this, but Fred ends up getting the job as speechwriter.

What follows is a surprisingly heartfelt exploration of modern romance, women in the political field, and what it means to be a public figure vs. maybe what it should mean.

THE REVIEW

This movie is great. Really.

I mean I was hoping I would like it, but I really wasn’t prepared to actually love it?

I’m generally not a Seth Rogen person, but he was delightful in this film. He did a great job at playing this quirky little dork of a character with a lot of heart, and it was genuinely heartbreaking watching him doubt himself and end things in order to not compromise who he was.

Also Charlize Theron?? Gorgeous. Stunning. I love her.

I mean, I was laughing out loud, crying a lil’ bit, and thinking a lot. This movie is incredibly politically self-aware, and I applaud it for not shying away from that at all? It definitely isn’t slap-you-in-the-face obvious about it, and it’s clear that the romance and the relationship is in the spotlight, but it also deals with so much more than that in a really smart way.

It’s a clever character study that also shines a light on our current political climate and also like…society as a whole? Like the more I think about this movie the more I’m genuinely impressed with how much it crammed in there. And not crammed in a bad way either, everything was connected and it never felt like too much.

Now, of course, this is a Seth Rogen movie so there’s a fair amount of raunchy humor. I would argue that it never steals the spotlight and I wouldn’t categorize it as a raunchy comedy flick because, again, it’s so much more than that. It’s incredibly clever and endearing.

Okay, I could be vague forever, but what is it exactly that makes this movie so genuinely good?

Spoiler warning now in effect! Although…I mean it’s a romcom so like…I dunno. I say it just to be safe but there’s nothing really to spoil, I don’t think. Anyway.

THE MUSIC

So good and pure and just fun.

I can’t find the official soundtrack on Spotify, but there’s one cinematic orchestra piece in particular that I remember, and it’s from the scene pictured above where they’re working in Charlotte’s room before the attack happens. It was just really sweet and lovely sounding, and it kind of reminded me of the music from The Holiday (HANS ZIMMERRRRRRRRR I love him).

Other than that, there’s of course the party scene where Boyz II Men performs, which is super fun, and of course…the scene where Charlotte and Fred slow dance in the kitchen during the party because they can’t dance in public and I just…Fred plays “It Must Have Been Love” from the Pretty Woman soundtrack (the fact that their romance is like a gender bent Pretty Woman is something Lance brings up earlier on) and it’s SO. PURE.

It also foreshadows their breakup later on which is super sad, but it’s a romcom so like everything ends up fine, I promise.

THE CHARACTERS

One of my favorite elements of any romcom are the well-developed characters all around, and this movie, thankfully, is no exception.

Fred is like a giant human puppy and I love him. He’s funny, of course, but he’s also devoted and clever and opinionated and doesn’t compromise for anything, tough as it may be. Rogen does a really, really great job at portraying such a wholesome character. I mean given his comedian background and the rest of his filmography, I was expecting Rogen to crush the comedy element, but he also does a brilliant job with the more serious scenes. I mean, when he tells Charlotte that he can’t go through with the character training in order to be her public partner because he won’t compromise who he is?? ICONIC. It’s so clear that he is so much more than just “the funny guy the pretty girl falls in love with,” and I really appreciate that. Is he still an idiot guy with raunchy jokes and moments? Oh for sure. But he’s not only that.

Charlize Theron brings so, so much to the part of Charlotte. In some ways I think Charlotte is really the main character more than Fred, which I love. One of my absolute favorite scenes is when Charlotte announces she’ll be running for president–and so much of that is Theron’s acting. You can see the physical change in her when she goes from straitlaced, perfect public figure to actual human being and sad girl in love, and it’s actually amazing. Charlotte is, thankfully, a fully-developed, incredible female character. She has reasons for everything she does, and if she doesn’t, we see her figure out her reasons. She’s strong and brilliant just as much as she is emotional and powerless. Seeing her battle the political climate is heart wrenching, and then seeing her overpower it and win? I. LOVE. IT.

Yet again, we have a beautiful example of a fully-fledged female character who is relatable and lovable because we see all sides of her, and not despite it *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough*.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.

Anyway, Lance is another really wonderful character. He’s the best friend who knocks sense into Fred whenever necessary, but he also has a fair amount of development? One of my favorite, favorite scenes is when he reveals that he’s a Republican and a Christian. The scene is played out in such a way that it defines his character, but it also…doesn’t? His character is presented in such a way that you as the audience member probably had your own prejudices and assumptions about him that get absolutely smashed in that one scene. You get called out just as much as Fred does. But Lance is so wholesome about it? He’s still the same character you knew from the beginning of the film. Now you just know a little more about him. I appreciate it. I love him. I want him to be my friend.

Maggie and Tom (but Maggie especially) are also great characters. This movie is almost like a version of Pride and Prejudice with how much it tackles those subjects. Maggie is so scared of and obsessed with public opinion that she does all she can to politely separate Fred and Charlotte, but when she sees everyone’s positive reaction to them as a couple? You take a deep breath with her. You are happy and relieved just like she is. Your prejudice about humanity being judgmental is changed just like hers is. As much as you may want Fred and Charlotte together, you also fear for the public reaction just as much as Maggie does. As frustrating as Maggie can be, she’s never unlikable because it’s easy to see yourself in her, and her mini arc is just as satisfying as the romantic one.

Parker Wembley is a terrible human being, but he’s supposed to be, so he’s a great character. Also–he doesn’t win. SO SATISFYING.

President Chambers is such a cheeky take on the presidency that you can’t help but love him. I mean you want to shake him sometimes, but he’s also such a cleverly written character that you have to appreciate him to some degree. Also–he doesn’t win. ALSO SO SATISFYING.

Pretty much every character you meet is developed and has a story and reasons for behaving the way they do, and it’s such a refreshing sight.

THE ROMANCE

So you know how with some romcoms, everything else is really good but the actual romance itself is just kinda…eh? Like the plot is good, the characters themselves are great, the idea is awesome, and then the couple is just…ehhhhhh?

But then there are some romcoms where the romance steals the show. Your heart is full, your skin is clear, and your crops are watered…everything is perfect.

This romance? Iconic.

What makes the movie work so well is that just as it advertises, Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen should not work. I mean…look at them.

But again, these are so much more human and real than they are just characters. Fred is more than just a bumbling goofball, and Charlotte is more than just a beautiful woman. Fred has his serious, beautiful moments just as much as Charlotte has her over-the-top ridiculous moments. There’s something about the way it’s written that just…works. I can’t really describe it, and I truly think you have to see it to believe it. It’s an experience.

What I love, too, is that the more lighthearted romantic moments are just as meaningful as the more serious ones. I mean, the two of them watching movies together is just as cute as the two of them slow-dancing in a kitchen. The two of them getting high and dancing at clubs is just as heartwarming as the two of them spending quiet moments together on planes.

And don’t even get me started on the super serious sad scenes. We never see Charlotte scared because she can’t be a scared woman in politics, but when she suggests that Fred change his character in order to be with her in public? When she comes to his apartment and cries about how much she loves him and wants to be with him? IT’S SO SWEET AND HEARTFELT I WILL CRY FOREVER.

The romance is so endearing because it’s so, so hopeful. Movies aren’t really hopeful anymore. Romance is now used for cynical plots in stories, or never brought up at all. Couples don’t get to be happy anymore. It’s exhausting.

But this story? Fred and Charlotte are best friends as much as they are lovers, and we all know that couple in our lives. Sure, modern romance is like, impossible. But we know it exists. I love that this movie gave it to us, and showed us that it can win.

Also I’m a diehard romantic so this was RIGHT UP MY ALLEY, OKAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

THE COMEDY

As much as I laughed at Adam Sandler’s SNL jab at the movie for being about a dorky guy and beautiful woman since Sandler’s done that plot so many times before, I liked this movie better. Like, don’t get me wrong, 50 First Dates is one of my favorites forever and Just Go With It has one of my favorite romantic scenes ever–but this movie has all of that without falling back on typical adult, raunchy humor. Again, there are moments of that! But it’s always for a purpose and never just to get a reaction out of the audience. Sandler’s comedies are filled with that stuff because that’s his brand, but this movie?

Fred pulling out all his drugs during the security check comes back later because that’s how we know he’s able to get drugs for the crazy party night with Charlotte. Their first sex scene where they “don’t last long” is funny and uncomfortable all at once because it seems real. It’s not played up for laughs, but played up for endearment. Fred’s unfortunate video that gets shared to the public is hard to watch and yeah, it’s like the ultimate raunch moment, but it’s a key plot point for a reason: Charlotte calls out the public for judging because “you all do it.” It’s humanizing them rather than characterizing them.

The comedy in the film is never used in a degrading way. It’s always genuinely funny because it’s real, it’s clever, and it’s got heart. Empty comedy never sticks with you or means as much as comedy filled with heart does. It’s good for a quick laugh, sure, but it doesn’t mean anything.

It was so fun to laugh out loud during this film, and there were so many moments that did that. I mean, the evolution of Fred’s tattoo, the one that was going to be a swastika? AMAZING. The entire scene where Charlotte saves a hostage over the phone while she’s high? COMEDY.

The comedy never takes away from the plot and romance, it only adds to it, and it works so, so well.

THE WHOLE

This movie is enjoyable on so many levels, and I’ll try to explain it best as I can, but I really think it’s better to see it to fully grasp it.

1. Everything Charlotte has to put up with as a woman in politics is really well-handled. She has a public face she puts on that is such a fake smile, it actually hurts to watch. All of her team is concerned with her public appearance because that’s how she’ll be graded. She’s willing to compromise her climate change proposal so it’s less useful but looks good and has more people onboard. She has to be funny and strong-willed and beautiful but not too much so. When the president tells her to change her proposal to suit investors or he won’t endorse her and she breaks down, it’s sad to watch. When she is blackmailed into changing her relationship with Fred and ultimately losing it, it’s so, so sad to watch. However, when she takes a breath and tells the public that she loves Fred, deal with it? It was like taking a deep breath and like, physically relaxing to see. She has to do so much more as a woman and the movie doesn’t shy away from the reality of that at all. The best part? She wins. SO SATISFYING. INCREDIBLY SATISFYING.

2. The political commentary as a whole is on the nose but also not at the same time? It never calls anyone out…directly, per se, but if you’re looking for it? The commentary is everywhere, and it’s delightful. President who used to be on a tv show? Yep. Sleazy capitalist guy who looks like…a certain someone everyone knows? Yep. Climate change proposal getting shot down and changed because of big companies? Yep. It doesn’t take away from the film at all, and if you’re not focused on it, it just adds to the realism. But if you’re looking for it? It’s satisfying. So, so satisfying.

3. The scene between Lance and Fred near the end where they talk about Lance being Republican and Fred being racist is incredible. There is so much you can unpack in that one scene that, again, you really have to experience it to fully understand it. It’s just…it’s so well-written, I can’t say enough about it.

4. THE ENTIRE ENDING SEQUENCE WHERE CHARLOTTE BECOMES PRESIDENT AND FRED BECOMES FIRST MISTER AND HE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT IT?? I was crying. I mean part of it was because we finally got to see a woman get sworn in as president (even though it’s fake) and that just really broke something in me, but it’s also like the ultimate victorious hopeful ending. It’s just so uplifting. I’m filled with joy just thinking about it. MY HEART IS FULL AND I AM CRYING AGAIN.

5. I love how much it makes you question political/public figures and the public’s relationship to them. Fred and Charlotte are clearly in love, but they have so much trouble being a couple because everyone’s so afraid of the public reaction and it’s just like…who are we to decide who someone can love? We have no right to this to begin with? Why are real people suddenly our own personal soap opera?? Why is humanity like this.

FAVORITE MOMENT

I loved so much of it, but I am especially obsessed with the scene where Charlotte saves the hostage while high and then announces her victory with a big victory scream and pose, and then of course the scene between Fred and Lance near the end.

“OOF” MOMENT

Look, Fred’s masturbation video is uncomfortable to watch. It just is. But it’s played up in such a genius way for the plot that I actually appreciate it. It’s still uncomfortable, but it’s used so well.

What is an “oof” is the scene where Wembley blackmails Charlotte. It’s sucky. It’s awful.

But he doesn’t win HAHAHA!!

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

YES. PLEASE.

I do think I can see how this movie wouldn’t be for everyone, but please believe me when I say it is so incredibly heartfelt and witty and clever. It’s just such a feel-good time that also makes you think about society and the political climate but like not in an over-the-top way? It always stays so classy??

I genuinely can’t recommend this movie enough. It’s so good.

I give Long Shot…

5/5 COMEDIC POLITICAL SPEECHES!!

That last one is just all emojis, you have to read them out loud.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Late Night looks really, really good and I hope it’s just as good as it looks. Plus I just love Emma Thompson a lot. I’m not a huge Mindy Kaling person but maybe this movie will change that!

Stuber looks like it could be good, but it could also not. Trailers sometimes make it impossible to tell. But this at least looks like it could be a lot of fun.

Shaft doesn’t really look appealing to me, but maybe it’s better than I think it looks. Who knows!

Anna…looks like a movie. Sometimes action movie trailers are all like “action!!! Explosions!!! Gunfire!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” But like…what is the movie about? Is it just gunfire for two hours? Is there a story?…please?

That about does it for this review!!

If you need a feel-good movie, if you need a good romantic comedy with a lot of modern commentary, if you need to feel hopeful, if you love Charlize Theron in really pretty outfits (saying that, I realize how much that is not the point of the movie since the whole thing is about how much we judge women based on looks…) but also playing a really badass character (fixed it), please take yourself to the movies to see Long Shot!

Like, this almost had to be a shorter review because I can’t fully do it justice. There’s so much about it to appreciate by seeing it in person. It’s a good escapism to a version of the US with a lot of hope. So…I mean you may not like it if you’re really conservative…but then again, maybe hearing Seth Rogen’s in it already made your decision for you, I don’t know you, I don’t know your life.

Avengers: Endgame REVIEW

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019 PlayerOne1 Comment

It’s finally here!

Yay!

…I guess!

I gotta say, it was a bit of a challenge carving out a three-and-a-half-hour block from my dad’s and my schedules to go see this finally, but we did!

And…I mean it’s definitely a movie!

Endgame is the culmination of a whole lotta Marvel cinematic universe films, all leading up to this huge and ridiculously long finale. The pressure was certainly on for the Russo brothers, directing this super monstrosity of a movie.

Did it live up to the massive hype surrounding it?

…

I mean let’s save my opinion for later.

NOTE: I will try to keep the following two sections as spoiler-free as possible, as always, but if you really want to see this film, it’s probably best to go in completely blind. Unless you’re like me, and you actually prefer having spoilers sometimes so you know what you have to put up with. I didn’t get that for Endgame, and…well…

NOTE 2: After completing this post and going back to re-read it, I have decided that I think you should have this movie spoiled for you. There’s nothing groundbreaking about it, and the whole spoiler campaign was just so you would throw more money at the production companies. Don’t do that.

NOTE 3: Also also, the first half of this review is mostly incoherent rambling and angry ranting because…well, you’ll see. The second half is a lot more poetic. This movie brought out a lot of different sides of me. Oh well.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. Spoiler warning. But also like…it’s whatever.

THE PLOT

The film actually starts back before the big ol’ snap that ruined everything, with Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) having a peaceful, fun BBQ with his family–so you know everything’s about to go wrong. And it does! His entire family disappears because of the snap. So. Yeah.

Then we cut to: the rest of the team! Following the rather catastrophic events of Avengers: Infinity War, the team is a bit of a mess. Luckily, they’re able to locate Thanos (Josh Brolin) by reading some kind of unique energy signature that the infinity stones give off. They trace him to some other planet where he’s set up some kind of peaceful farm life for himself, but the Avengers ain’t havin it.

Determined to reunite the stones to bring back everyone they lost, they drill Thanos about the location of the stones. Thanos, rather frustratingly, admits that he actually used the stones…to destroy the stones. Their work was done, he says, so he nearly destroys himself in the process destroying the stones.

Fed up, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) slices his head off. Ha. Get it. Because if only he’d done that last movie, everything would have been fine. Ha. HAHA.

We then cut to 5 years later, and everything is…it’s still a mess. The team has all but separated. Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) remains at the Avengers base, overseeing operations of…some kind from afar, determined to keep making a difference. I guess now she suddenly has some plot line about feeling useless and needing to be a hero, and literally the only reason this is suddenly introduced is for the ridiculous “payoff” later on.

BUT I DIGRESS, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Anyway, Captain America/Steve Rogers/Cap (Chris Evans) shows up and is all “I love pretending everything is fine, don’t you?” Basically everyone’s just really depressed.

At some point we cut to some kind of…impound lot? Storage lot? I dunno. Anyway, it’s the Ant-Man van! A rat is moving about the dashboard, accidentally activates the quantum realm portal, and suddenly iiiiiiiit’s Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd)!

Lang, having been in the quantum realm since the end of his second movie (Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and Dr. Pym (Michael Douglas) were supposed to bring him back, but they, too, disappeared in the snap), is a little disoriented. For Lang, it hasn’t been 5 years, only about 5 hours or so. He races around, trying to figure out what’s happening, and stumbles across a…very detailed memorial for all those lost in the snap (I mean, they go out of their way to show what a post-apocalyptic setting we’re in since we lost half of all life, but somehow we were able to build such a detailed, nice-looking memorial? Did they just need some way for Lang to see his name and freak out? Yeah. Yeah that’s it). Confused because he finds his own name there, Lang heads to Avengers HQ.

Lang is hyped because he thinks there has to be some way to go back in time and fix everything. After all, time works differently in the quantum realm, so there must be some way for it to work! But they need a real man of science on this: they need…Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.).

Aforementioned Stark is living out his days in a very peaceful cabin in the woods with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) and their daughter, Morgan (Lexi Rabe). Having been brought back from space and the literal edge of death five years prior by Captain Marvel (Brie Larson–by the way, don’t get used to her. She does almost nothing in the movie, despite being advertised as a major player), Stark isn’t really keen on abandoning this family he finally has to go chasing down bad guys on a hunch that may not even work.

The team is distressed, but they ultimately leave Stark alone to find the other science man on the team: the Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Banner has…somehow…managed to figure out how to be both Hulk and himself at…the same time? Anyway. Banner’s down to help, but he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing, and he says as much. The team doesn’t care–they want their friends back.

Stark, meanwhile, has been unable to stop thinking about this whole time travel thing. He uses Friday (Kerry Condon) to run different…tests…of some sort. I dunno, it’s time travel, so it’s not explained in a way that us normal folk can understand. He somehow figures it out though, I guess, and he tells Pepper that if she doesn’t want him to go, he won’t. Pepper, knowing him really well, tells him to go.

Stark shows up just in time, as Banner turned Lang into a baby, an old man, a kid, and finally himself again. They hunt down some other team members, including Hawkeye who is an assassin suddenly? And Thor who um…wears a fat suit the entire film. Yyyyep.

Anyway, they figure out that there are basically four different timelines they need to go to in order to steal the Infinity Stones before Thanos is able to gather them. There’s some kind of half-assed explanation given as to why they can’t just go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby, which I’ll get into later. Basically, they decide that the only thing they can do is get the Infinity Stones first, snap to bring everyone back, and then destroy the stones.

Of course, nothing goes according to plan, and three hours of ~hilarity~ ensues.

THE REVIEW

I wanted to like it. I really did.

I think part of the problem is that it was so hyped up. I mean even after it was finally out and people were screaming to “not spoil the endgame,” positive reviews and incredible box office returns were flooding the Internet. How could you not be excited even as a casual Marvel fan??

The problem with hype is that it inevitably leads to disappointment. With so many fans, there’s just no way to please them all, and I get that. It just sucks being in the demographic that dislikes it– these characters you’ve come to love are handled in a way that’s just disappointing to you. But everyone else seems to like it, so maybe it’s just you…

Anyway. I wanted to like it. I really didn’t.

And the thing is…I kind of liked the first 2/3 of it? I love time travel plots, and it was so fun seeing the callbacks to previous films and characters (especially ones I actually liked). I loved seeing how the characters dealt with the events of Infinity War. I mean, they lost, and they’ve never really lost before? And they all handled it so differently.

But I realized as the movie went on and more and more plot twists occurred…I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. Things were happening left and right that were never explained, tons of pointless things happened, characters were poorly handled, and the movie broke its own established time travel rules?? I just…why?????

The other disappointing thing has been the creators’ responses to the questions. Instead of saying things like “I see how it could be interpreted this way, and while that wasn’t our intention, we’re sorry for the hurt that may have caused” they say things like “no no no, you’re wrong, this is what it means and we’re right and you’re wrong because we made it and you didn’t, now shut up and go buy another movie ticket.”

(Okay slight paraphrasing, but you get the idea)

I just left the theater feeling really disappointed and honestly really angry. I just felt like Infinity War was handled relatively well, and don’t even get me started on how great Civil War was…but this just…eh.

Again, I liked parts of it!

But the rest of it really killed the movie for me.

So here’s the deal: because this damn movie is three hours long, it doesn’t really make sense to split up the categories like I usually do because there’s just too much information. That, and these are characters who’ve been in plenty of other films prior to this, so…well, we’ll get there. What I’ll do is simply talk about sections I liked (there aren’t a lot) and sections that disappointed me (there are many). So without further ado…major, major spoiler warning now in effect.

(But really like…it’s genuinely not that big of a deal. Seriously. Spoil yourself. This movie doesn’t deserve all the secrecy it had surrounding it to force you to buy a movie ticket)

THE TIME TRAVEL

So let’s start with probably the biggest elephant in the room: the time travel.

Because we needed to have some all-out epic battle at the end involving Thanos, we couldn’t have the Avengers simply go back in time and kill Thanos as a baby. You can’t do that because superhero fans don’t pay to see plots that make sense, they pay to see epic battles!!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!!

*ahem* anyway, because of that, the time travel plot line is basically explained as such: everything you think you know about time travel because of incredible movies like Back to the Future is WRONG. Going back in the past to change something doesn’t change anything in your future…because I guess then that past becomes your future, so nothing actually changes because it’s just your future as always? Anyway, the idea is that when you change something in the past, you actually just end up creating an entirely different, separate timeline. So the idea is that even if they want back, killed Thanos as a baby…that would just create a different timeline where baby Thanos died, but when they went back to their own time, the snap will still have occurred and all their friends are still gone. Thanos wasn’t killed as a baby in their timeline, he was killed in a different one.

So they decide instead, they need to go back in time and steal the infinity stones before Thanos can get them and snap to bring all their peeps back. Now, of course, they don’t consider the possibility that Thanos from the past they go to will figure out what they’re doing and confront them and just take the Infinity Stones that THEY’VE GATHERED FOR HIM, LIKE IDIOTS. Nah. They don’t even consider that.

So of course that’s exactly what happens.

There are…there are a lot of frustrating things about this that I can talk about, so let’s make a list:

1. It is so, so frustrating to me that they never even consider the possibility that a past version of Thanos will confront them. Like…I mean I get that they have a lot on their minds but really???

2. The movie really yada-yadas over the whole “Pym Particles” thing. Basically, they need these particles to travel around in time as well as whatever code Stark cracked. Of course, they only have just enough of these particles for one round trip through time for each of the heroes. Like…I get that they can’t get more because Dr. Pym was snapped, but…they can’t just go back in time and get more from a different version of Pym? I mean they do that later in the film only after everything has gone wrong, but they couldn’t like…do that? The movie only says that the Infinity Stones are what need to be returned to their respective timelines, not any other objects, so like…just go get a lot of Pym Particles in case something goes wrong…? Whatever.

3. Nebula (Karen Gillan) was one of my favorite characters in Infinity War and Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, and she was a complete idiot in this movie. I mean…not only did she know that a past version of Thanos was also looking for the stones in one of the timelines they had to travel to, but she also knew the sacrifice required to get the soul stone and SHE DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ANY OF THEM??? I mean jeez Nebula, that is all information that WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL YESTERDAY. If she had just happened to mention “okay by the way, my dad will also be looking for the stones when we go back to 2014, so just we should keep that in mind. Oh also, past me will also be looking, and since I’m a robot and he can read my memories, I should probably stay behind because past me and current me may be connected and Thanos may be able to figure stuff out from current me’s memories. Oh also also, the soul stone requires you to sacrifice something you love, so maybe we should come up with a game plan for that before we go galavanting off in time. Just maybe.”

4. Cap…*sigh*. This is where the movie unhelpfully breaks its own time travel rules. Cap is sent back (alone for some reason?) to return all the stones to their correct timelines so that …something doesn’t happen. I dunno. So the idea is that he disappears from the platform, and though it’ll be longer for him, he’s supposed to reappear on the platform in the current timeline in 5 seconds. Which…he doesn’t. Instead, Bucky (Sebastian Stan) notices someone sitting on a bench down by the water. Sam (Anthony Mackie) goes to investigate only to discover it’s Cap!! But…old! Apparently Cap went back and then just decided to find Peggy (Hayley Atwell) again and live out his days with her, and then he shows up here and hands off his shield to Sam. It’s a sweet scene but…hang on. If Cap went back to be with Peggy, therefore changing the past, he should be in a completely different timeline now, right? He wouldn’t be able to show up on that bench in the current timeline because he’s not a part of it anymore…right? Please? Somebody? It makes no sense!

I just…my head hurts.

But since the movie doesn’t really bother to explain time travel and then breaks its own time travel rules, I guess we don’t need to worry about it, either. Whatever. Nothing matters.

THE SOUL STONE

Just thinking about this genuinely exhausts me.

Okay…so we got introduced to the soul stone in Infinity War. The idea is that the soul stone demands a soul, a soul for a soul, so on and so forth, sacrifice, huzzah. To prove you’re “worthy” or whatever, you have to sacrifice something you love in order to obtain the stone (sidenote: the wording is always something you love, not someone…so like, could you sacrifice an object and no one would have to die? Your favorite food? Your laptop? I know it’s all “a soul for a soul” but in that case the wording should really be more clear and they should say someone you love. Anyway. I’m getting nit picky now. Moving on).

In Infinity War, the stone is used as a plot point to both kill Gamora (Zoe Saldana) and try to give some humanity to Thanos, I guess, but it fails spectacularly. We’ve already watched Thanos kill all of Gamora’s own people, kidnap her, and abuse her and her sister, and now we have to feel sorry for him because he ultimately murdered her?

No. Sorry.

Anyway, so the frustrating thing here is that Natasha and Clint don’t know this. Because again, NEBULA DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL THEM.

So they head to retrieve the stone with absolutely no idea what it will cost. But the really sucky part is that we as the audience know. So we know before they even meet Red Skull (Ross Marquand) that one of them isn’t getting out of there alive and that just…really sucks. The build-up in Infinity War worked much better because we didn’t know what was coming–unless you read the comics I guess but anyway.

Once they do figure it out, both Natasha and Clint are so full of Hero Complex (TM) that they fight each other in order to sacrifice themselves. Ultimately, they’re both hanging off the edge, and Natasha kicks herself off, forcing Clint to let go of her…and she dies. Clint gets the stone. Yay, I guess.

There are a couple really stupid things about this.

1. Why is it that both characters we’ve seen be sacrificed to the soul stone are women? Why? Is it because women are the more disposable characters? Because they’re not as developed as the men? Because they don’t bring in the big bucks? IS IT BECAUSE OF SEXISM?? Both characters who died here were strong, powerful, no-nonsense women who still had a lot to offer, and instead, they die. Gamora’s death is genuinely sad because she’s straight-up murdered, but Natasha…

2. I am damn sick of heroic sacrifices. It’s just glorified suicide, fam. The whole entire reason Natasha was suddenly feeling useless on the team is that so her death here could be “justified.” See? She’s not useless after all! She can kill herself so that the team can get the magical stone! And it’s okay because she doesn’t have a family like Clint does, so ultimately, it’s just heroic all the way around! Do you know what that tells little girls who admire the Black Widow character? That ultimately, the only thing you can do to be useful is sacrifice yourself? Especially if you’re not living the Ultimate American Dream by having a perfect family and kids?? Have we forgotten everything she did in the past movies??? Yeah. We have.

3. As I mentioned earlier, it’s established that Clint has a family and Natasha doesn’t. When asked if there’s any family she has that they can contact, Banner says that they were her family. They don’t get to be with her anymore, but Clint gets to be with his wife and kids again, so everything’s fine. So…what, found family doesn’t matter as much as blood? That’s nice. This is also coming after the reveal that Natasha was operated on so she can never have kids, and she calls herself a monster because of this. Ummmmm…I have several questions…

4. So…again, in Infinity War, Thanos straight up pushes Gamora off the cliff, thereby actually sacrificing her…so it makes sense when he gets the stone. But Clint doesn’t do that…? Clint doesn’t want to let go of Natasha–she’s the one who kicks off the cliff and forces him to let go of her! She literally kills herself!! Clint didn’t sacrifice shit!!! How does he get the stone after this?? It makes ZERO. SENSE.

I just…this was stupid. It just was. Also–it’s implied that even with ~time travel magic~, they can never get Natasha back because the stone says so I guess? Of course. What even are the rules?? ARE THERE ANY???

No.

THE CHARACTERS’ TREATMENT

So here’s the thing: some of the characterization work was wonderful.

I think it’s why the time hopping segment was my favorite–it was finally, finally like I was watching an Avengers movie. Look at Steve and Tony bantering like always! Look at Banner trying to awkwardly science his way out of non-science situations! Look at Clint and Natasha being friends again! Look at Lang being just an incredibly awkward dork! Look at the teamwork! Ahhhhhh!!

But it’s like everything fell apart in the third act. Like I’m glad that Clint spent the rest of the film absolutely haunted over Natasha’s death even though he was reunited with his family, but you’re honestly going to tell me he didn’t make damn well sure they had a funeral for her like they had for Tony? I guess you could say it’s because he still hadn’t come to terms with her death but like…he did though? He understands she can’t come back (even though I don’t) and he talks about how he wished she knew they had won. He gets it. He also knows Natasha better than anyone else, he knows how much the Avengers meant to her. Why wouldn’t he make sure they have a funeral for her, too?

Don’t even get me started on Captain Marvel. They built up her being in the film and the she’s barely onscreen?? I know it’s because “oh it’s supposed to be the send-off film for the original heroes, she’s not one of them so” like that’s fine but then ADVERTISE IT THAT WAY. This film was not advertised as a “send-off for the original heroes” it was advertised as the “ultimate superhero event” which implies that ALL THE HEROES PARTICIPATE. “But she does participate! She destroys Thanos’s ship and fights him one-on-one!” Yeah, she does! And that all makes sense for her character! What doesn’t make sense is Thanos randomly knocking her out? She’s supposed to be the “most powerful character in the MCU” and she just…got knocked out by one stone? The only reason, THE ONLY REASON, she does not play a bigger role in dispatching Thanos is because the narrative says it has to be one of the original heroes since it’s their send-off. Does it make sense at all when looking at the characters, the narrative up to this point, and the rules set down by the movie itself? No.

And Cap?? CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS AMERICA, CAPTAIN “TILL THE END OF THE LINE,” CAPTAIN “HAVE TO FOCUS ON SAVING THE FUTURE,” CAPTAIN PULLED A LITERAL HELICOPTER OUT OF THE AIR IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD…then just straight-up abandons that friend. Look–I think Steve’s arc with Peggy is wonderfully tragic. I love the idea of time travel opening up a chance for him to be with her, I do. But having him stay there and live out his life? It completely invalidates all his character development involving her up to this point. Her funeral? Pointless. All his personal work on remembering her forever but healthily moving on? Forgotten. He claims he’d do anything for Bucky, his best friend, and he just leaves him behind to go live an entire life without him. He does that to not one good friend, but two! Neither Sam or Bucky deserves that, and that is so, so out of character for Cap. I can believe he’d go back to dance with Peggy-maybe–but he would not stay with her. He would not abandon his friends, his family like that. He did so much to find them again and then he just…abandons them. And Bucky and Steve don’t even talk when Cap is all old or whatever?? Ridiculous.

An interesting point made by YMS on YouTube is that Thanos is especially frustrating in this film because he has no relationship with our heroes. The obnoxious guy from Infinity War who, while still not sympathetic despite filmmakers’ efforts, had a personal seething hatred for each of the Avengers for a specific reason? He was killed within the first…what, 20-30 minutes of the movie? Probably less. It all blurs together when the movie is three hours long. The Thanos they fight at the end of the movie is from the past, and while they know him, he doesn’t know them at all. He knows of them, he knows what they’ve done because of Nebula’s memories, but he doesn’t know them. The battle is kind of half-hearted because he isn’t a personal villain anymore–he’s just annoyed at everyone trying to stop him and that makes him extra annoying. I mean damn, I know he’s not supposed to be likable, but at least make him a good villain for the heroes.

And Tony…Tony getting to make some sort of peace with his dad during the time travel segment was wonderful. Every time we see him be a little more emotional rather than snarky, it’s nice. Like he’s super snarky and sarcastic, but he’s also incredibly soft and loving (fun fact: apparently there’s a clip of Tony kissing Peter on the head when they finally reunite and the Russo brothers cut it because heaven forbid our male heroes have feelings I guess MASCULINITY YEAH and Robert Downey Jr. is mad they cut it. GOOD). It’s one reason why his ultimate sacrifice or whatever is so stupid.

Do you know how many times Tony Stark should have died by now? His whole arc was about finding something to live for. His first sacrifice attempt in the first Avengers makes sense with his arc because he wasn’t quite there yet…this team, these friends, Pepper, adopted son Peter Parker, biological daughter Morgan Stark, he learns that they are all what make life worth living. “Oh but he didn’t have a choice, Dr. Strange told him that there was only one outcome where they win, and it was the one where he dies!”

Nuh-uh.

THE ENDING

The ending of this movie genuinely exhausts me and I hate having to revisit it. As problematic as he sometimes was, as over-the-top ridiculous and selfish, Tony Stark was a great, great character. He was probably my favorite. So yes, some of my anger over the ending purely comes from watching my favorite character die. I mean, it’s never fun, but at least sometimes it’s “justified” at least.

This was not. At all.

Like I mentioned before, Tony Stark has had several very close brushes with death. Most of the Avengers have, really, but Tony’s relationship with it has always been stronger than the others. He should have died in that raid in the beginning of Iron Man. But he didn’t. He should have died when Obadiah ripped out his arc reactor and left him. But he didn’t. He should have died on accident testing out his different suits, honestly. He should have died in Avengers when he flew that missile through the portal. He should have…he should have…he should have…

But he didn’t. Unlike the other Avengers (except for perhaps Black Widow (also maybe Bruce Banner?) but we’ll never know now will we), his story starts with death and it looms over him his entire arc. What is his worst fear when Wanda invades his mind in Age of Ultron? That his team dies. His family. And he’s left alone. Why does he engage in this feud with Cap and Bucky? Because Bucky (albeit brainwashed) was responsible for Tony’s parents’ death, leaving him alone. And Cap knew. What haunts him most after Infinity War? That he watched Peter Parker die in front of him while he could do absolutely nothing about it. He couldn’t stop Peter from dying alone. He couldn’t stop Peter from leaving him alone when he died.

There’s a consistent pattern in Tony’s character arc that was completely thrown out the window with the ending of Endgame. Tony is found at the beginning of the movie, brought back from the brink of death yet again, and he has a chance to start a family. It’s pretty insulting that Clint’s family is built up as this big character point for him, the reason he does everything, the reason Natasha sacrifices herself, and he gets to reunite with them like everything’s fine…while Pepper has to explain to their young daughter that Tony is never coming back. Clint’s family reunion feels hollow in comparison, like it’s wrong to enjoy it. And I’m sure Clint felt the same way–he’s so guilty over Natasha’s death that you can’t honestly tell me he wouldn’t understand how lucky he is to be with his family but how awful it is that Tony can’t be with his–but they don’t bother showing that in the movie.

There’s nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

I’ve mentioned The Magicians before, but I’ll bring it back now in more detail because it unfortunately fits this same situation and trope. Spoilers if you haven’t seen the season 4 finale of Syfy’s The Magicians.

The main character in The Magicians is Quentin. Quentin is, canonically, suicidal and depressed. We meet him in a mental institution where he checked himself in. His depression and his suicidal tendencies are brought up throughout the run of the show. The show runners were praised for featuring a main character who suffers from such things. In the final “battle” of season 4, Quentin uses magic in the “mirror world” knowing full-well that it may cost him his life, but it will save his friends. He dies. He is shown how his friends are remembering him, he is told how much he changed their lives, he is told how loved he was. And then that’s it.

No matter how the show runners tried to phrase it in interviews, there’s no getting around the fact that Quentin ultimately committed suicide. In the afterlife, he flat-out says “did I save my friends…or did I finally find a way to kill myself?”

The idea of the heroic sacrifice trope is nice, I’ll admit, since it seems like such a logical peak for a heroic arc; but it’s so overused by this point that we all expect it. How many movies do we assume the character is dead after they make some sort of sacrifice? Usually they’re not actually dead, but lately, creators seem to think that that’s not “shocking” enough, and what audiences really want is to watch their favorite heroes actually die. At least it’s heroic!! And it’s subversive!! No one ever does that!! I know they have friends and family and a great character arc that involves not wanting to die but that was all for shock value!!!!

There is nothing subversive or shocking about killing a character who canonically suffers from PTSD involving death and suicide.

“But it’s realism! People die in real life all the time! Not everyone can survive, I mean come on!”

Okay first of all: you really wanna talk to me about realism in your stories about magic, scientists who become big green monsters when they get angry, people who get superpowers from spider-bites, and gods of thunder and mischief? Really?

Secondly–there’s a great G.K. Chesterton quote that Neil Gaiman paraphrases in Coraline that reads: “fairy tales are more than true–not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.”

I don’t need my very unrealistic media to tell me that sometimes people die. I’m well aware of that fact, believe me. What I want to see is people like me who, against all odds, are able to overcome things like that. In a universe with time travel, super-beings, and TALKING TREES, it’s almost insulting to be told that the ONLY time where the Avengers won and Thanos was beaten is the time where Tony sacrifices himself.

And the only reason they did it that way is because Tony Stark had to have a send-off. But he couldn’t have a happy send-off like Captain America, filled with dances and love and peace, oh no. Tony, who has feared death his whole life, had to die. He leaves behind a wife, a young daughter, and a band of fiercely upset friends. His family. There is no reason why Captain Marvel, the “most powerful hero in the MCU,” couldn’t have wielded the stones instead of Tony. Tony Stark is still a human. Captain Marvel is not–she can fly through space without a helmet and fly through an entire alien ship to destroy it. She could easily have wielded the stones and survived (yeah it almost killed Thanos and Hulk to do it BUT IT DIDN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HUMAN). The only reason she didn’t is because they needed some subversive perma-death and what better way to wrap up this Marvel arc than by killing off the man who started it all?

I genuinely don’t want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home at this point because that means I have to watch precious, deserves-so-much-better-than-this Peter Parker deal with yet another father figure’s death. It was hard enough watching Tony deal with Peter’s death. But they got one hug–and now Peter lost someone else. No wonder he doesn’t want to bring the spider-man suit on the school trip, I wouldn’t wanna be Spider-Man after that either.

…also, can we talk about Tony’s funeral? How absolutely no one is crying? How all the characters just stand there in black looking solemn? TONY’S OWN DAUGHTER ISN’T EVEN CRYING.

There is no reason why Tony Stark couldn’t have quietly retired from being Iron Man to live out his days peacefully with his family. He’d already done it for 5 years. If anyone deserves a soft epilogue, it is Tony Stark.

WRAPPING UP

Look, this movie has three full hours of material for me to be upset about, and clearly, I am.

There are still things I loved. Time travel plot? Fun! Wacky! Needlessly ridiculous!

Thor crowning Valkyrie as the new leader of Asgard? Perfect! She deserves it! Excellent!

All the women heroes (except Black Widow and Gamora since they’re only good for sacrifices) teaming up to get Captain Marvel across the battlefield? Unbelievably wonderful! Give me a movie of just that! Incredible!

Special effects? It’s a very pretty movie! It all looked very super!

But none of that makes up for the mess that is the final product. There are so many plot holes (Natasha killed herself so Clint never made a sacrifice and still got the stone? Cap took Mjolnir back in time with him and then…what? How was Nebula able to just stick her tech fingers in the time travel machine and bring Thanos? Why didn’t Nebula warn anyone about past Thanos or the Soul Stone sacrifice? Why did Cap abandon Bucky and Sam? Why was no one crying at Tony’s funeral? Why did no one use actual teamwork on Thanos like they did in Infinity War because that was the closest they ever got to being able to take the gauntlet off? I could keep going but I digress).

I think that superhero movies can be phenomenal. Look at Black Panther. Look at Avengers. Look at Iron Man. But I genuinely think it’s difficult to write a big superhero mashup movie because…there are too many superheroes. Seriously. It’s hard to write a villain that can genuinely overpower all of those super beings. It’s probably why Captain Marvel was MIA the whole movie. It’s why no actual teamwork was used. It’s why Tony Stark “had to die.” Superheroes, in their own universes, have powers that are explained and make sense (generally). It’s exciting to think of combining those heroes and having them team up to face off against a villain, but there are so many rules and powers that it’s hard to keep track of them all.

Generally, I feel like Endgame had a whole lot of excitement building up to it, and it just fell flat. It’s crushing box office records and that makes sense, it’s not so much a movie as it is an event. It’s not so much a movie as it is a chance to show off the special effects (and they were great!). It’s not so much a movie as it is a money-maker.

But there has to be more to a movie than just the visuals and the audio. You can decorate a cardboard box to look like the most appetizing cake in the world, but at the end of the day, you’re just going to be eating pretty cardboard.

The point of Endgame was not to tell a story. It was not to tie up loose ends. It was not to give satisfying conclusions to the character arcs of the original heroes who are leaving. The point was to make money. The point was to sell tickets. The point was to be a product.

And it worked.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Like I said, I have a couple favorites, but I am such a sucker for the trope of “WE HAVE A CLEAR PLAN IT IS FOOL-PROOF” and then it’s followed by “THIS IS ALL WRONG WE ARE THE FOOLS!!!”

It was the one part of the movie that was just fun and hopeful, even when everything went sideways and hilarity ensued.

“OOF” MOMENT

Too many to name, so instead have a happy Tony Stark. That’s what I’d rather have tbh.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

No.

I mean I know a lot of people like it, but I also know that some have had the same complaints and reactions that I did. And here’s the thing–studios don’t care about that. They don’t care about your opinion, especially if you didn’t like it. You still gave them money, and that’s all that matters to them.

If this doesn’t sound like a movie you’d enjoy, obviously don’t see it. There’s nothing about it that’s noteworthy if you’re not a superhero person (unlike, say, Black Panther).

If you’re a casual Marvel fan and this sounds like a disappointment, do not see it.

Here’s the really shitty thing about the whole “don’t spoil the endgame” campaign: they made sure you went to go see the movie just so you could know what happened. They made you feel small for not seeing it before the “spoiler lift” for the media. They made you feel like a bad fan for not supporting all these actors you love and have supported in the past.

You had to give them the money they wanted just so you could enjoy a story that ultimately fell flat. They didn’t make this movie for you–they made it for the awards, the accolades.

I genuinely regret seeing this movie in theaters. This film, which does not function well as a standalone movie at all, toppled Titanic in box office numbers.

(“But Titanic is dumb because they both could have fit on that board!!” Yeah well this movie is dumb because Tony Stark and Black Widow didn’t have to die. At least Titanic gave the characters some depth and heart.)

I will not be seeing this movie again. I love re-watching Marvel movies because it’s fun and up till now, they’ve been good. They’ve felt like character studies more than anything else, and that’s what drew me in. This movie? This treats its characters–and its audience–as products.

If you liked it, that’s wonderful. If you’re happy with how things played out, that’s great. If you don’t regret spending money on this, I’m jealous, that’s awesome.

As for me, I can’t wait for creators to go back to giving us stories with heart and characters that are treated with respect. You can have great special effects in a film, but your movie cannot stand on special effects alone.

Anyway, all in all, I give Avengers: Endgame…

2/5 CHARACTERS WHO DESERVED BETTER!!

Don’t get me wrong though–all the characters deserved better. These are just the ones I’m most angry about. And Shuri. Did she even have any lines in this movie? Unbelievable. Also Peter Parker. Don’t even bring him up. I’ll just think about how his voice broke when he saw Tony dying and how he had to lose a father-figure all over again and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP DOING THIS TO HIM HE IS A CHILD.

At this rate, the only way I’ll be excited for another Marvel movie is if they truly do a next gen thing with Peter Parker, Morgan Stark, Cassie Lang, and Clint’s daughter whose name I forgot. Sam can be their really tired leader who is Too Old For This.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Mostly repeats, but the two new ones are:

Gemini Man, which looks…interesting? Generally I’m always ready to hop on the Will Smith sci-fi train, I just really wanna know if this movie has an actual plot or not.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker which I’ll be seeing because I have generally enjoyed the new trilogy. Also I want to cry about Carrie Fisher.

And that about does it for this review!

I’m ready to stop thinking about this movie, personally. Every time I think about it I just

It exhausts me.

I wanted to like it, but I just left the theater feeling so hollow…much to the chagrin of the AMC worker asking people what they thought. I don’t think he wanted an actual answer and was just being nice, but I’m socially awkward so how was I supposed to know.

Anyway, if this really does sound like something you would actually like, then sure, go see Endgame. But if you’re able to survive without seeing it, and trust me…you are able to survive without seeing it, I say skip it. Really. Please don’t give them anymore money.

(Sidenote: did you hear about how the Russo brothers claim that one of the MCU characters is secretly gay??? *GASP*

Plot twist: it’s Natasha. Because she’s dead. Can’t have happy representation. #buryyourgaysIguess.)

Breakthrough REVIEW

May 9, 2019 PlayerOneLeave a comment

So a while ago, I took myself and my mom to the movies and we saw Breakthrough, the next one of those Christian movies.

I will start this with a disclaimer: I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian environment (which honestly made no sense because my parents and I are some of the least conservative people? We just kept finding ourselves in those circles), so I’m familiar with the people this film is really marketed towards.

I also know, believe me I know, that Christian media…usually sucks. Not always! There are wonderful exceptions, but for the most part it ends up being extremely kitschy, preachy, and over-the-top Christian. Like, I know it’s Christian, but I don’t need to be slapped in the face by that fact every five minutes, please? I promise I won’t forget.

So while I went into it prepared for the worst, just to be safe, I was also just kind of excited because disclaimer part 2: I love feel-good stories. I love stories where even though awful stuff happens, it all works out by the end. I love stories full of hope. I love crying because of a good story. It’s just the way I am–and I know not everyone is like that.

All this to say, is this the best movie ever? HA. No.

But is it still good, despite being a piece of Christian media?

Read on!

“Pictures taken seconds before disaster”

THE PLOT

So the movie starts, ironically enough, with our main boy John (Marcel Ruiz) dreaming about being underwater. I think. It’s kind of like the intro to The Shape of Water where it’s unclear if the character is actually dreaming all this or if it’s just visual effects for the audience’s benefit.

Oh my god this is the Christian The Shape of Water isn’t it.

Anyway, John is woken up by his mother Joyce (Chrissy Metz) for breakfast. We then get a getting-ready montage set to Bruno Mars’s “Uptown Funk” (of course, the most fun part of the song, “hot damn!” Is censored out because…Christian media), which is what John is listening to under headphones. He sits down for breakfast with mom and dad (Brian, played by Josh Lucas) and Joyce immediately sets the tone for the movie by forcing the boys to hold hands and say grace over the food before they eat. Yeah. There’s a lot of that.

John has a bit of a strained relationship with his parents, giving them (especially Joyce) plenty of attitude whenever possible. He loves basketball and this one girl in his class, Abby (Maddy Martin) and that’s most of his character in a nutshell. Oh, and he was actually adopted when Joyce and Brian were on a missions trip, so he has some very understandable abandonment issues–this is all revealed when the class is assigned a “family tree” project.

Anyway, John is going to hang out with some buds overnight after a basketball game, and he is instructed to please, please keep his mother updated and let her know when to come pick him up.

A side plot that comes into importance more later on is that the only church in town I guess recently got a new pastor, Jason (Topher Grace), and he’s ~young~ and ~cool~ with an ~inappropriate haircut~ (sidenote: I looked up the actual people the characters are based on, and I gotta say, Movie Pastor’s hair is way toned down compared to Real Pastor’s hair. Real Pastor’s hair would certainly cause a church uproar–Movie Pastor just looks like he rolled around in too much hair gel). Joyce and Pastor Jason clash allllll the time, quite famously, and this conflict is important for later.

Back to the A Plot: John and his buddies decide to go frolic in the snow and on top of the frozen lake because the name of the movie isn’t Good Choices Were Made By All. All seems fine, although a nearby restaurant man asked them to please, please get off the ice. The boys mock him, continuing to frolic, until suddenly the ice breaks under John and he falls through, grabbing one of his friends on the way down (actually, I think they all end up in the water at some point). Through Unfortunate Circumstances, John ends up knocked out and sinking fast.

The fire department is on the way, complete with fireman Tommy (Mike Colter) who is the only fireman with a name, I think. Anyway, Tommy and Fireman #2 slide over to where John’s friends are waiting, and they manage to get them pulled to safety. Tommy and Fireman #2 enter the water, poking around for a little boy. At this point, John has been under the ice for about 10 minutes. They poke around for a bit, but just when they seem about to give up, Tommy hears a real unsettling voice telling him to “go back.” He does, and lo and behold they pull up John from under the ice!

At this point, Joyce–sitting at home waiting for a text from her son, mind you–gets a call from one of John’s friend’s moms, who was supposed to be watching them (YIKES). She frantically calls Brian, telling him to meet her at the hospital.

Then we catch up with the team of doctors assigned to saving John, and lemme tell ya, it is not an easy scene to watch. They try everything they can to revive John, but there is no pulse. They keep trying, and still…nothing.

By the time Joyce gets there, the doctors have essentially said it’s too late and she can go in to say goodbye to her son (at this point, both in the movie and in the real story, John had been without a pulse for about one hour). There’s an incredibly heart wrenching scene where Joyce looks at her little boy and has memories of him being a baby, and she just stands there screaming his name and begging God and the Holy Spirit to save her son.

It’s painful to watch, but just when it seems like it might be over…John has a pulse again.

Literally no one can believe it, and John is transferred to another hospital with an expert in drowning cases. The rest of the film is a found-family, full-of-feels, “dammit I’m crying again” fun fest as the characters gather around in different ways to pray for John’s recovery.

THE REVIEW

So let me start out by saying that I did like this movie. I like crying and I like movies with victory against impossible odds, sue me.

This movie is by no means a cinematic masterpiece, and it’s not supposed to be. It was created with a very specific demographic in mind, and I don’t think it was meant to convert anyone or make some huge statement.

It was created to tell an incredible story, and it does that. It gives awareness to the true story that inspired the book the film is based off of (and upon some research, the film actually follows the book really, really closely!). It makes you cry. It makes you appreciate how good people can be sometimes.

Now, it does preach a bit. Of course it does. Again, this was a movie created for a specific demographic: one that is used to being preached to and expects it. It’s just a part of the gig.

I do think the movie may have done a little better in the reviews if it hadn’t been as preachy as it is, and I think it could have been just as powerful if all that stuff was taken it and left more up to interpretation. But again: that’s not the point. This story is told through a Christian lens, so that’s what we get.

As such, the movie certainly isn’t for everyone.

But I would argue that if you’re up for it, it’s still a good time. I mean I was completely emotionally wrung-out by the end, but sometimes that’s a good thing! I walked away feeling good, which was such a welcome change after Pet Sematary (if you’re curious, you can check out that review here).

But what are the specifics of this movie that make it…what it is?

Let’s dive in to the details of Breakthrough–spoiler warning now in effect!

(I mean…it’s based on a true story so like…I mean if you haven’t guessed the ending by now…okay anyway)

THE MUSIC

I gotta be honest, I don’t recall most of the cinematic score from the film. I’m not 100% sure there was one? If you look for the soundtrack (at least on Spotify), you get “music from and inspired by” but none of it is cinematic instrumentals, it’s all like, pop songs. Christian pop songs!

That being said, there are two musical moments from the film we do have to talk about:

1. I feel like the entire church scene is only hilarious if you’re from a very specific demographic of Christians. I worked for a fairly conservative church that was desperate for more people, but hissed in retaliation at the slightest mention of doing anything more “young” and “hip” to pull in more people. I’m not even going to say that “hissed” is a strong word to use, I would not be surprised if there was actual hissing. Anyway, I recognized the looks on the faces of the older folks in the crowd at the rock band presentation of the worship music during the service. Pure horror. And when that rapper came onstage? SCANDALOUS. This isn’t even getting into the sermon afterwards where Pastor Jason brought up “The Bachelor” and sat on the floor like he was having a friendly, everyday conversation with the congregation. That was an incredibly well-directed scene because it hit home, and I’m sure it hit home for a lot of the audience who were familiar with that setting. Fun fact: if you, too, would like to scandalize your congregation, that rap version of Phil Wickham’s “This is Amazing Grace” is on the soundtrack!

2. The song used in the trailers for Breakthrough is called “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” and it’s an extremely popular Hillsong work. I mean, praise bands will always jump on songs actually sung by female artists because much as we love singing harmony to the praise band leader Johnny Hip-Hair’s melody, sometimes we just want to sing melody. Please. Anyway, not only is it an apt song choice because of the obvious water metaphor, it’s also a song about having faith in extremely difficult circumstances, and trusting that there is a plan for all of it. So when pretty much the entire town shows up outside John’s hospital room with candles and love to sing their own rendition of the song, there are TEARS. EVERYWHERE. Keep in mind this is also set after Joyce finally lets go of control over her son’s life, trusting that things will be okay. It’s the night when John is taken off of the medically induced coma medication. There is no guarantee he will ever wake up. And suddenly, in the midst of it all, there’s the town, singing of hope. It’s a beautiful scene, and all I could think about is how powerful music is. Stop being cynical for a second and hear me out: sometimes there is nothing more powerful than a group of hurt individuals banding together and making music when words just don’t suffice anymore. Think of the people who sang “Ave Maria” outside of the burning Notre Dame. Think of the family singing Edelweiss in The Sound of Music. Think of the breathtaking performance of “Glory” at the Oscars that year (from Selma). I know the idea of spontaneous group-singing is mostly a joke thanks to…pretty much every musical ever, but I stand by the idea that when it’s done right and purely out of the goodness in our hearts, it’s more powerful than anything. Also, Taylor Mosby absolutely rocks the song.

Okay, feeling time over. Back to cynicism.

THE CHARACTERS

Because this is a drama full of feelings, the characters are a big emphasis.

The obvious show-stealer is Chrissy Metz’s Joyce. I mean, I knew she’d be great since she’s phenomenal in This Is Us (I mean I haven’t been watching lately so I don’t know if this is still true but I assume), but she really goes all out here. Joyce is an extremely detailed character–her good points are emphasized just as much as her weak points. She’s immediately presented as a no-nonsense mother full of fierce love and incredible determination. You love her instantly, so when characters react negatively to her, you get a little protective and want her to win even more. Jerk new pastor kicks her book club out of their room? UNACCEPTABLE. Weak-willed husband snaps at her for being rude to their also rude friends? RIDICULOUS. Teenage son doesn’t open up to her and refuses to acknowledge her? AWFU-okay to be fair, he spends most of the movie in a coma so I guess he gets a pass.

Joyce is, by no means, a perfect human. She feels things strongly, and it’s these feelings that affect everyone else around her. Her strong emotions when confronted with her son’s body tears at the hearts of the doctors listening to her. Her fierce determination and positivity scares the shit out of the doctors, as it should. Joyce breaks down a lot in this movie, and the audience does right along with her. This is a perfect example of a female character exploring and expressing emotions in a real way, and we love her for it. We connect with her because it all feels so real to us, too. The candlelight concert outside her son’s hospital room makes her cry, so we cry, too. Seeing her son’s body, remembering him as a baby, makes her lose it, and so do we.

My point is, Joyce is an extremely connectable character because the emotions that should come out of her story are not shied away from in any way. We can relate to Joyce because we can imagine feeling the way she does if we were ever in her situation (but like hopefully not, if ya know what I mean)–and not even just imagine it, because we see it throughout the film. Joyce is allowed to be a fully-fledged character, showing weakness as well as strength, and we can truly connect with her and love her for it. And you’re absolutely right this is leading up to me calling out *cough*ALITABATTLEANGEL*cough* yet again. I’m genuinely convinced that Joyce would absolutely win in a fight with Alita any day. Wanna know why? Because EMOTIONS. That or she’d just adopt her and make her a more likable individual, which I support.

(“But this comparison doesn’t work because Alita’s a robot so she doesn’t have actual emotions–” SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND. AND FRIENDS. AND GOT SAD OVER A DOG’S DEATH. Okay anyway)

Honestly, it’s a good thing that Joyce is so likable, or at least a strong character, because the other characters…ehhhhhh….

I mean, don’t get me wrong, you want John to wake up, but that’s mostly for Joyce’s benefit. John himself…I mean again, he’s in a coma most of the movie, but he’s just kinda…a kid. He plays basketball and was adopted. That’s…that’s his two character traits pretty much. And that’s fine, actually–while he’s technically the most important character, the movie isn’t actually about him, so it works.

Now, Brian, Joyce’s husband? Bleh. I mean I get it, he’s a foil to Joyce in that his emotions over the situation make him shut down instead of standing up. He straight-up tells Joyce that he can’t be in the room with her because he can’t deal with seeing John like that (*insert obscure Steel Magnolias reference here*). I guess the downside of Joyce being so developed is that Brian is really underdeveloped. He’s really just go-with-the-flow, “yeah my son can call me Brian that’s fine,” “I guess I’ll tell my wife to stop yelling at our friends”…yeah. Now, to be fair, he does later tell Joyce that he should have been in the room with her once they make up, but like…eh. I mean yeah, I guess he should have, but it was actually an interesting character trait of his that promptly got erased. NOW. Maybe that’s straight out of the book, which means it’s straight out of the true story. I get that I’m judging characters that are actually…real people. Kind of.

And of course, we have Pastor Jason. Ahhh, Pastor Jason. I’m even the young demographic he’s targeting as a pastor and I was cringing a lot with him. But it ends up working out–he’s cringeworthy and pretty unlikable in the beginning because he has to have this sideplot with Joyce. It’s made clear that neither Jason or Joyce actually like each other all that much, but when faced with this impossible crisis, it’s really refreshing to see Jason step up as much as he does. He stays there, supportive, like an old friend. He’s just as excited as Joyce is when John squeezes her hand. He’s determined to help in anyway he can, and it’s a really nice way to humanize him.

The other character who steals the show in any way is Tommy Shine, and I think that’s mostly because of Mike Colter’s performance. Tommy is the guy who doesn’t believe in God, but supposedly heard God telling him to “go back” in the water that day. What I appreciate is that Tommy doesn’t have a full conversion to Christianity arc–he’s questioning things, sure, but he isn’t full-out born-again Christian by the end. So part of what I like about Tommy is his character arc, but the other thing I love is just…every time he’s on screen? Look, Mike Colter is great-looking, which is part of it! But I’ve been in the chorus of enough shows to know when someone has developed a full backstory for what can easily be a throw-away character. We may not know Tommy’s backstory, why he’s an atheist, why he became a firefighter, why the voice he heard bothers him so much…but you can tell that Mike Colter knows because he thought about it, and you see that in his face every time he’s onscreen.

The rest of the characters are kinda…I mean they’re there! The drowning doctor at the new hospital is okay. John has a couple friends from school who show up every now and then (one of them (Taylor Mosby), again, absolutely kills the lead vocals on “Oceans”). Again, none of the characters are anywhere near as developed as Joyce is, but that kind of works…it is based off of the real Joyce’s book, after all.

THE CHRISTIANITY OF IT ALL

It’s a huge part of the film, so we get to talk about it!

So like I touched on above, I do think that it’s possible if Breakthrough had been less…overtly Christian, it may have done better with reviewers. With a quick Google search, this seems to be another one of those movies that critics are overall hating and audiences are overall liking.

However, the point of the film is not simply to tell an incredible true story; it’s to tell an incredible true story through a Christian lens. I mean, the real people are Christians, so of course their movie counterparts are going to be as well. I guess I’d still say there’s a way to do it without also preaching to the audience, but again, the intended audience isn’t necessarily your typical moviegoer, and I understand that.

Scenes from the movie like the praise band scene, the many prayer scenes over John, the candlelight song, and the ending church scene where God’s love is credited as the ultimate savior are more necessary for the Christian side than for actual storytelling purposes. As such, I can’t really grade this as a movie because it’s not meant to be a typical movie.

Again, having grown up in this community, I’ve seen my fair share of Christian media. Awful, preachy, and sometimes downright boring Christian media. I know it’s out there, believe me. What I will say for this film is that I don’t think you can categorize it with the rest of all that–it stands on its own in the sense that, yes, there’s a lot of Christianity, and it probably won’t make sense to anyone not Christian who sees it, but it’s also genuinely well-done. The characters are not there to present a Christian story and thus simply be bland archetypes of actual people, they are there to tell a true story that just happens to be a pretty Christian one.

I do think it could just as well not be a Christian story, if it weren’t for one thing…

THE ENDING

So as you’ve probably guessed, John does wake up by the end. Not only that, he somehow makes a full, perfect recovery. Mr. Drowning Doctor (Dennis Haysbert) tells Joyce that his recovery is genuinely impossible. This kid was underwater for about 20 minutes, without a pulse for another 40…there should be things like severe brain-swelling and crazy organ trauma, but there is nothing.

Because he’s suddenly perfect and fine, John goes back to school where he’s greeted with full fanfare. It all seems just too good to be true…and it is.

John’s teacher keeps him after class to ask him “why you?”

Her husband died not long ago and she doesn’t understand why John was able to make this miraculous recovery when her husband didn’t. After all, she believed in God too!

John, being…a kid, doesn’t know how to answer this. The teacher seems to come back to her senses, apologizes, and sends him off.

Still thinking about this, John walks by his locker, covered in sticky notes. As the camera scrolls down, we catch glimpses of notes that say things like “welcome back!” And “miracle boy” and “glad you’re okay!”…but then we see one that says “why are you okay when my mom is still in the hospital?”

John turns around and suddenly doesn’t see his classmates in such a friendly light anymore, because he’s not sure who is actually happy he’s okay and who is asking “why you?”

There’s actually not much payoff to this scene, unfortunately. John runs into Tommy, thanks him for saving him, and then we cut to the entire town being in church while John and his parents tell their story. Pastor Jason does this thing where he asks various people who had a hand in helping John to stand up. It’s an overwhelming sight for both the audience and John, who breaks down crying as he thanks them. He finds his teacher in the crowd and looks at her as he plainly says “I don’t know why me…”

Aaaaaaaand then it ends with them all saying “but God’s love is strongest and got us through this we’d be nowhere without God’s love yaaaaaay!”

It’s preachy, okay?

I do think, however, this whole “why you?” Sequence is fascinating, and it wouldn’t be as striking without all the Christianity leading up to it. After all, if you’re at all familiar with the church, it’s common to hear miracle stories like these, but also know someone who lost someone in a similar situation. If we all have the same faith, why do some get “saved” while others perish?

Just like in the movie, it’s never answered. We don’t know. As hopeful as the film is, it does make sure to throw this at you, which honestly, I kind of appreciate. I constantly complain (or at least, I will be complaining a lot in my Avengers: Endgame review) about how lately it seems like creators are trying to instill “realism” into their fantasy creations–this realism here is applied in the mystery of why John miraculously survived when others have not. The thing is, the realism here works because John’s story, as unrealistic as it seems, is real. This miraculous, hopeful recovery is a real story. This mystery that’s applied, then, is a reminder that yes, not all stories end happily, and we genuinely don’t know why.

In an age where lately we seem to hear more and more about Christians being…awful, and convinced they have all the answers, this movie takes the refreshing stance of: no. We don’t have all the answers. It’s frustrating. It’s amazing. It’s unfortunate. It’s ridiculous.

Buuuuuut remember kids, it’s all thanks to God’s love!! 😀

(Okay I’m done being cynical about the preachiness, I swear.

No seriously, this movie was absolutely not as preachy as it could have been…as some of its predecessors have been…truuuuust me.)

Alright fam, we’re gonna try something a little different here, where I attempt to sort of illustrate my favorite and “oof” scenes, a la my incredible drawings from my Us soundtrack post.

So, without further ado…

FAVORITE MOMENT

I cannot speak enough about the candlelight song scene. I mean I thought I was done crying by that point, and then suddenly Joyce notices the candles from the window so you knew something was coming and then it’s all their friends together standing there in support and then they’re all singing and I JUST.

I LOVE IT.

OKAY.

“OOF” MOMENT

I’m torn between the scene where the three boys are playing on the ice despite being told not to, and Pastor Jason’s initial introduction.

I mean, I know all the ice stuff had to happen for plot reasons but HONESTLY. You know what’s coming, so watching them frolic around beforehand is just kind of uncomfortable and they’re such fools and I just…

The other scene is when Pastor Jason first enters the picture. Joyce and her book club have a room reserved, like it says on the dang sign-up sheet on the door, and Pastor Jason–in the most incredibly over-the-top rude way possible–kicks them out. Again, I’ve spent time in churches like this, and if the new pastor did something like that to a very well-respected member of the congregation? RIOTS. RIOTS, I TELL YOU.

Also, like, I know we’re not really supposed to like him yet either, but wow. He was just a straight-up jerk in that scene. I’m glad he got redeemed because…jeez.

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

So…okay. As I’ve said multiple times, this is not a movie that is meant for the general public. It knows its audience and it performs beautifully for them.

If you’re in that demographic, I really think you’ll enjoy the film and you should definitely see it.

If you’re not in that demographic but you like crying a lot, I do think you can look past all the in-your-face Christianity and just bask in Chrissy Metz’s performance as well as all of your tears.

If this really doesn’t sound like your thing at all, I get it. I do.

For me? I liked it. It’s no cinematic masterpiece, but that’s not the intention. And again, I love crying, so…yeah.

All in all, I give Breakthrough…

3.5/5 HEARTBEAT MONITOR READING THINGIES!!

It’s not perfect–but I still think it’s good.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Alright…y’all. We have to talk about the Downton Abbey movie.

I’m beyond excited (I mean, we know how much I love crying!! Pair that with British accents, incredible costumes, delightful characters, and dramatic exploits????). Okay. We’ve talked about it.

Overcomer looks like it’s the next Christian movie slated and…yeah I’ll probably see it. Again. I love crying. Plus, it’s also a sports movie? About track??? I almost did track, therefore, I can relate!

(I can’t actually but I can pretend)

I can’t believe I haven’t actually talked about The Lion King yet?? Or maybe I have and I forgot? That’s possible. Anyway, I really, really hope it’s good, plus…John Oliver is Zazu, guys. AND THEY KEEP SHOWING ZAZU IN TRAILERS WITHOUT LETTING US HEAR HIM. LET HIM SPEAK!!

Okay anyway.

Speaking of crying, guess who will definitely be seeing A Dog’s Journey?????

It’s me.

Finally, we have The Sun is Also a Star, which…has anyone else been getting ads for that before every single YouTube video ever?? Like don’t get me wrong, it looks great, and I know I’ve heard awesome things about the book, but like chill out, fam. Just a bit.

That about does it for this review! If this sounds like your kinda thing, I do recommend taking yourself to the movies and seeing Breakthrough. If nothing else, it’s just a nice feel-good movie in the midst of a really not feel-good world, and sometimes? We just need stuff like that.

ADMIT PLAYER ONE

Fun Movie and Game Reviews from a Single Player Perspective

Month: May 2019

Long Shot (2019) REVIEW

THE PLOT

THE REVIEW

THE MUSIC

THE CHARACTERS

THE ROMANCE

THE COMEDY

THE WHOLE

FAVORITE MOMENT

“OOF” MOMENT

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Avengers: Endgame REVIEW

THE PLOT

THE REVIEW

THE TIME TRAVEL

THE SOUL STONE

THE CHARACTERS’ TREATMENT

THE ENDING

WRAPPING UP

FAVORITE MOMENT

“OOF” MOMENT

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Breakthrough REVIEW

THE PLOT

THE REVIEW

THE MUSIC

THE CHARACTERS

THE CHRISTIANITY OF IT ALL

THE ENDING

FAVORITE MOMENT

“OOF” MOMENT

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO SEE THIS MOVIE?

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR