Month: February 2019

Alita: Battle Angel Review

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Soooo last week, I took myself (and my dad) to the movies, and we saw Alita: Battle Angel. I really didn’t know what to expect from it, but I know people were excited, and my dad wanted to see it, and since it’ll probably be nominated for something since it’s James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez, I figured I should see it.

I have…mixed feelings about it.

But we’ll get into all that later.

them big eyes will see into your soulllllll

THE PLOT

The movie starts with Dr. Ido (Christoph Waltz) finding the head and partial torso of a cyborg in the scrapyard of Iron City. He gives her a body since he is a cyborg clinic doctor of some sort, and the cyborg awakens the next morning to a brand new body (and also a head of hair? That’s never explained). This is Alita (Rosa Salazar). Alita talks with Ido and his assistant (Idara Victor), asking if they know who she is, as she has no idea. Ido claims to not know either, and he takes Alita out for a brief day on the town. This is where she meets Hugo (Keean Johnson) and he’s cute and saves her from oncoming traffic so naturally she liiiiikes him.

Because of this meeting with Hugo, Alita’s rebellious teenage phase kicks in fast, and she meets with him and his pals as often as possible, learning of a rather violent and popular sport called Motorball. She joins them for a scrimmage, and after she’s shoved aside by Hugo’s friend Tanji (Jorge Landeborg Jr.), her vengeful warrior phase kicks in fast and she absolutely decimates him in retaliation. Tanji complains about this to Hugo, and Hugo just goes “haha yeah she beat you up lol she’s pretty” (I mean that’s basically it, okay).

In other news, some…villain or something is apparently targeting women on the streets at night where he apparently destroys them and sells their parts (this is never fully explained in the movie, but apparently in the manga it’s common knowledge that the world has gotten to the point where humans can replace almost their entire body with cyborg parts, and if they could, why wouldn’t they? We see this in the film, but we never really get an explanation. Anyway). Because of this, Ido doesn’t want Alita out alone after dark. But she’s ~rebellious~ so she follows him one night and, based off of what she sees, assumes Ido is the murderer. She tries to stop him, but it’s revealed that he’s actually hunting the murderer, and this was actually a trap. They’re attacked by various cyborgs, and though Ido tells Alita to stay out of the way, Alita dives into combat to save him and absolutely destroys two of the three cyborgs (she cripples the third and he escapes screaming that he “NEVER FORGETS!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!”).

The battle brings on a sort of flashback for Alita, where she’s in a big battle on the moon, as you do. Ido reveals that he is a hunter warrior, which is kind of like Iron City’s version of police since they don’t actually have police. Anyone can apply to be a hunter warrior (or bounty hunter as they’re called during the other half of the movie), and they get paid for the marks they destroy. Alita, naturally, is all over this but Ido says it’s too dangerous. Alita, in response, runs away from him very maturely.

There’s a lot of other stuff that happens, basically Alita really wants to know who she is but she also becomes a hunter warrior, also she gets a new body. As you do. She does all this against Ido’s wishes but ~she doesn’t live by his rules~. Ido is initially upset by this but then he’s like “eh whatever.” His assistant has maybe three sentences the whole film. Hugo gives Alita sparkle eyes the whole film, but his main character trait is that he wants to get to the sky city of Zalem, which is where Alita probably came from since she was found in the scrapyard.

I can’t really say much more without spoilers, so let’s dive into it.

this scene was cool until you realize that half the terrible things that happen later wouldn’t happen if Alita hadn’t…been like this

THE REVIEW

I really wanted to like this movie. Really!

I like robots. I like cyberpunk. I like beautiful scenery and well-choreographed fight scenes. I like intricate world-building.

But I also really like good characters. And I really…didn’t like anyone in this movie. I didn’t like the script (much of the dialogue was so cheesy that the actors couldn’t do much about it). I really didn’t like most of the plot.

Now, this movie is based off of a manga (Battle Angel Alita, or Gunnm). And from what I’ve read from fans of the manga, this is a relatively faithful adaptation, and they really like it! And that’s great. I came into this completely fresh-I’m an anime fan myself, but I’d never read Gunnm and I’d never seen the two OVA’s that were made based off the manga. All of this was completely new to me, and it was hard to follow, felt really disjointed, and just…bleh.

So it’s entirely possible that maybe I would have liked it if I’d been a fan of the manga first-it’s always fun to see something like that come to life in a new way. I think it’s why I’ll probably really like the Detective Pikachu movie no matter how weird it is.

But coming to this as an outsider, there wasn’t anything for me to like, really. I’ll go into each point in more detail, but I guess if you’re an avid Battle Angel fan, you might wanna stop reading now. I don’t have a lot of good things to say, admittedly. Except about the scenery and the character design (with the exception of those big ol’ scary eyes), both of which were delightful. But the acting? I don’t get why everyone is obsessed with Rosa Salazar’s performance in particular. The romance? Bleh. Not believable and sooooo predictable and just…there’s no basis to it. The characters? Anyone I may have liked is killed or has two lines of dialogue. The animals? HAHA RIP. The plot? It just felt very all over the place and just…I didn’t really care about it? The villains? The main big bad barely shows up, teasing a sequel, of COURSE. They build up this big fight and there is ZERO PAYOFF.

I did want to like it, really! It just wasn’t enjoyable for me. I’ll include things that would have helped, in my opinion, but again: if you did really like the film, that’s awesome! I’m happy for you! I did not, but that’s on me, it’s my personal taste, and ours differs here.

For everyone else, let’s get into it. Spoiler warning now in effect!

get it she’s lit up because she’s a “fallen angel” GET IT

THE MUSIC

As always, we start with the music.

Meh.

Honestly it didn’t play that big a part in the movie. There were the occasional moments where the fun techno-y beat would come in and that was fun, it fit the cyberpunk aesthetic. But there was no particular score moment that really stood out to me. I’d probably have to listen to the soundtrack on its own so that I can be a better judge of it without my negative thoughts about the movie crowding my brain.

The credits song was a Dua Lipa song about being powerful, so that was good.

Grey’s Anatomy: Season 219

THE CHARACTERS

Alright, sit down with me, kids, as we discuss why I didn’t like anyone in this film. (actually, I take that back: I liked 3 people. We’ll get to that)

So much of the film hinges on the likability of three characters since we spend the most time with them, hands down: Ido, Alita, and Hugo.

Ido is probably the most likable of those three for me, but that’s not saying much. He’s interesting, at least-we learn that he runs this clinic where he does free repairs on people who have cyborg parts and can’t afford to go anywhere else. He keeps the clinic open with the payments he receives as a hunter warrior/bounty hunter. He had a daughter in a wheelchair (we never learn why she is in a wheelchair, if there was an accident or something she was born with, it’s never explained) named Alita who was killed by one of Ido’s patients. This is why his wife (?) Chiren (Jennifer Connolly) left him. He names Alita after his dead daughter, and her first body is one he designed for his daughter that she never got to use (I guess in the source material, he names Alita after a late cat he was very fond of, but I guess that wasn’t ~dramatic~ enough for the film). But while Ido has all these interesting traits, they never do a lot with him. He is a plot device used to put Alita and Hugo back together. He clearly is protective of Alita since he sort of accidentally replaces his daughter with her, but even after she disobeys his orders countless times, he never punishes her or argues with her, not really. He has one facial expression the entire film. Alita is able to manipulate him to do what she wants suuuuuuper easily. And it doesn’t even matter because she does what she wants anyway!

Hugo is ~cool~ because he wears a leather jacket and has long broody floppy hair and he rides a motorized unicycle (YOU THINK I’M KIDDING). But he’s pretty and thinks Alita is pretty and he’s a strong, developed character because he makes sure the audience knows he is not intimidated by how terrifyingly murderous Alita is. That’s a line. In the film. He says “you know most guys would be intimidated by a girl like you” BUT I’M NOT MOST GUYS I’M ~DIFFERENT~. We learn next to nothing about his backstory, except that he wants to get to the sky city. Honestly that’s like, everyone’s backstory. They all want to get to the sky city because Iron City is absolute hell. He’s almost interesting when it’s revealed that he and his friends work for Vector (Mahershala Ali) by paralyzing people and stealing necessary parts. He got into it in order to raise enough money to get to Zalem. However, once he and Alita are ~involved~, he wants to get out of the business. Especially before Alita finds out. BECAUSE WHY TELL HER HIMSELF, AM I RIGHT. So, I mean, yeah he feels bad about the part-stealing once he loves Alita, but we don’t even know him long enough to see where that would have gone because he gets killed. And then he’s alive. And then he dies again.

Alita is…annoying. She really is. I adored her in the beginning because it was super cute watching her discover the world. Oranges?? Amazing! CHOCOLATE??? Best thing ever!!!! Cute boys??? Ooooooooh! They could have done so much more with that! Like how does she know how to react around Hugo? How does she know about kissing or hand-holding or any of that? Can you imagine a scene where Hugo explains a kiss to her? (A la Mork and Mindy, of course) But we never get that. Look, I love that she is the main character of this film. She is a badass girl and the center of a major sci-fi thriller, which is awesome! But you can’t make a character like that be so invincible that they’re just not relatable. The fight scenes were almost never nail-biters because you know Alita will be fine-even when she’s nothing but a torso with a head and one arm, she somehow punches her way out and Ido rebuilds her anyway. They try to make it this big thing that Alita is starting over with a clean slate, only she can decide if she’s gonna be good or bad…which is fine, except she never really has that clean slate. Except for the very beginning when she’s discovering oranges and boys, she is never naive enough to have a choice. She is immediately drawn to the violence of Motorball because she was a warrior. She’s drawn to conflict and loves fighting because she was a warrior. She never had a clean slate-but she could have been a fascinating anti-hero choosing a new path. Maybe she did terrible things in the past, killed hundreds, maybe thousands, and being aware of that is what helps her change. But no, instead we get a forced narrative and an impossibly invincible hero we can never really worry about because of course she’ll be fine.

My other main issue with Alita as a character is that she never has to face the consequences of her actions. Not really. She never apologizes to Ido for going out at night against his wishes because she saved him so of course everything’s fine. She never apologizes for Ito for getting his dead daughter’s cyborg body destroyed in the second fight with Grewishka. She immediately gets the Berserker body she wanted after the fight, despite Ido saying she shouldn’t have it because of how dangerous and lethal it is. She never assumes that it is her fault that Zapan came after Hugo and killed Tanji because of the way she humiliated him. She doesn’t even have to face the consequence of Hugo’s first death because Chiren is there like a freakin deus ex machina and surgically wires him to Alita’s life force to save him.

“But what about Hugo’s death the second time??” Look, I get that this is from the source material, but the emotional impact of Hugo’s death is utterly destroyed the second he has to die again. Also, how do we even know for sure he’s dead this time? All we saw is him falling dramatically. I know he’s dead in the source material, but this is Hollywood. Do they ever really die?

I’m not saying it’s not awesome that Alita is so powerful- again, it’s great to see an ultra-powerful female character be the star and the center of a major sci-fi film. We should have more stuff like that! But it’s like filmmakers are so afraid to make anything other than a perfect, flawless female who’s way overpowered and has no weaknesses. That scene at the end where she slices her own tear in half? What, is she not allowed to feel? (Trick question-she’s a cyborg)

There’s nothing wrong with giving your hero characters some flaws-that’s what makes them relatable. We want to see them succeed when we know they’ve struggled to get where they are. We cheer for them when they overcome their own flaws because we want to do the same. People want to see themselves on the screen, especially as the hero: but it doesn’t seem attainable when the hero is perfect. Take my personal favorite Marvel hero Iron Man, for example: dude’s a mess. He’s narcissistic, a genius and he flaunts it, and absolutely riddled with PTSD. He has panic attacks in Iron Man 3. It didn’t weaken him as a hero-it made us feel for him and be happy for him when he pushed through his pain. He cries and we cry with him because that’s okay!

Alita is not allowed to mourn Hugo because she has to stay strong to make it to Zalem to fight Nova. Fine, but let her break down. That scream she gave when Hugo fell? Show her broken, alone in her bed crying. If she loved Hugo like she said, she would absolutely be torn apart by his (second) death. But we never see that. She sheds one tear and cuts it in half. She’s not allowed to feel because she’d be less of a hero if she did.

And that simply isn’t true! Let heroes be vulnerable. It makes their successes that much more powerful for the audience.

I could rant about Alita as a character forever (clearly) but I have to touch on some other characters:

First, let’s discuss some of the other bounty hunters: most of them end up dead, and we never really learn much about them anyways! Cool, that was fun. There is one bounty hunter who works with a whole lot of robot dogs, which like…give me a movie about him, please!!

Next: Ido’s assistant Nurse Gerhad, Tanji, and Koyomi (Lana Condor). Both Gerhad and Koyomi make it through the film alive (miraculously) but Tanji is brutally murdered trying to save Hugo. And all we get is one shot of his death and on mention from Hugo that he died. Alita (naturally) doesn’t seem to care that Tanji is dead-that would be facing the consequences of her actions and as we know, Alita doesn’t do that.

Gerhad and Koyomi have a couple sentences each in the film. And that’s it.

Fun fact: you can’t claim it’s diversity if your diverse characters all die or barely speak during the film!!

this whole scene is one big cringe

THE ROMANCE

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When I read some reviews from people who knew the source material, I was hoping that Alita’s and Hugo’s relationship would be further developed in the manga, but it doesn’t really sound like it. I guess the major change is that apparently, Hugo was so blinded by his desperation to get to the sky city that he didn’t notice Alita’s feelings for him. That could have been fun, but instead, we get this.

Alita and Hugo are obsessed with each other, like, to a scary degree, and right from the start. Alita’s fixation on him kind of makes sense, he saves her from getting smashed in the street, and she’s a cyborg, it’d be fascinating to go into how cyborg “love” might be different from human love (and I feel like they sort of play with that in a later scene? But it’s never really…explained. Like she quite literally takes out her own heart and offers it to Hugo and when he refuses she’s just like “HAHA THAT WAS INTENSE, SORRY LOL” like…what), but nooooooooo. Hugo I guess just has a thing for big eyes? Idk man.

Look, I’m a huge romantic, I own this about myself. I think it’s absolutely possible for Hollywood to create a lovely, beautiful romantic relationship, but of course, the flip-side is also true. If you couldn’t tell, characters are important to me and can really make or break a film in my opinion. As previously discussed, none of the characters in Alita: Battle Angel really spoke to me (literally and figuratively since they died or had two lines in the entire film), and that includes our main pair of lovers here. I guess they’re going for a Hunger Games-esque relationship with these two-two teens in a dystopian world, battling their circumstances and their feelings for each other or whatever.

Now, everyone has their own opinions about how the Hunger Games romance(s) work(ed) out, but you have to admit that at the very least, we got some actual character development for our romantic leads. They all had scenes that showed all sides of them: good, bad, broken, and unique. Gale is Katniss’s best friend, her person, but he’s also easily blinded by anger and his personal desire for revenge, and he’s also incredibly selfish. Peeta is completely selfless in some ways, he would give himself for Katniss in an instant (they both would, really). He was abused by his parents and is also never not injured. Like…really. He’s also very quick to shut people (especially Katniss) out when he’s hurting. Katniss, as our narrator and main character, is the one we spend the most time with, so we know her the best. She’s incredibly caring and protective, and all of her most glorified actions in the rebellion are born completely out of her love for someone or something (placing bunches of flowers all around Rue’s body, singing the “hanging tree” song, doing the famous whistle and salute, and of course, volunteering to take Prim’s place). Katniss also has terrible PTSD, I mean, of course she does. Like Gale, she’s also easily blinded by anger. She often acts without thinking. Like Peeta, she’s willing to give her life in an instant because she thinks she’s not worth it.

Now, all of that is those characters at their most basic. Compare that to Alita and Hugo. What sides do we see of them? Hugo wants to go to the sky city. Okay…do we know why? He just wants to escape the “hell” that is the Iron City. I mean, okay, fine. He chooses Alita over his friends, specifically by telling them they need to stop stealing people’s cyborg parts for money. He gets framed for a murder he doesn’t commit. Alita wants to learn about her past, and she disobeys the father figure who rescues her time and time again to do it. She’s ruthless when it comes to people who are hunting her down, presumably because of her mysterious warrior past. She loves the little dog she befriends (I assume? They had two interactions before…we don’t talk about that scene).

Alita and Hugo are cookiecutter characters at best; they do the things they do because it moves the story along and the plot calls for it, not because of any specific character traits they possess that explains their actions.

Katniss is a rebellious teenager just as much as Alita is. But all of Katniss’s actions are motivated by who she is, not what she is. Alita doesn’t have any quirks (besides giant eyes and being a cyborg, I guess?) to help explain her behavior except TEENAGE GIRL!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

All this to say, Alita and Hugo’s romance isn’t believable because they aren’t believable as whole, separate characters on their own.

Now, I realize that this is just one movie, and unfortunately, there’s a giant sequel-tease, so there will probably be at least one more of these. So Alita may very well be more developed in the future. I’m also sure she’s well-developed in the source material; anime and manga characters are (generally) consistently very, very well-developed and well-rounded characters with positive and negative traits alike. Hugo might even be interesting in the source material instead of just ~pretty~ and ~brooding~.

He reminds me of that violinist guy from that one…weird movie High Strung. Anyone see that? I think it’s on Netflix. It’s a trip. There’s a scene where guys fence with violin bows.

(also like…that whole second death scene is just…first of all, it takes away all of the emotion from the initial death scene, like Alita already went through this, but like…isn’t her body like super powerful now? Like it heals itself? Is there a reason she couldn’t just…let go and cradle Hugo as they fell so she took most of the brunt force of the landing? No? Is it…is it because of the drama and the sequel-baiting? Is that it? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

It’s that stupid door from Titanic all over again.)

we don’t talk about this scene

THE ONE MOMENT

We have to talk about it. They put it in here so we have to talk about it.

So listen, when I was reading reviews from people who knew the source material, I was disappointed to learn that this scene is also in the source material. I mean, I’m not surprised I guess, but…blech.

I knew there was going to be some moment where Alita put blood on her face like war paint (which is very unsanitary but you do you I guess) because of the trailer.

But I guess I thought the blood would be like, her father figure. For like real intense motivation, you know? Or like maybe, in her flashbacks, she would always be wearing warpaint or something, so this would be a way to connect with her previous self.

But no. What happens is that the pure, innocent, cute little stray dog that Alita befriended in the beginning stands up to Grewishka to protect Alita…and he gets slaughtered for it.

And it’s the dog’s blood that Alita puts on her face.

Look, I’m sure it’s supposed to represent some intense metaphor like the DEATH OF INNOCENCE because this is also right before Alita destroys her “younger” body (YEAH WHEN SHE GETS HER NEW BODY, it changes as it gets used to her, which basically means she gets more curves and bigger boobs onscreen. This causes the nurse and the doctor to be like “oh she was older than we thought. Haha!” GROSS. STOP. NO. WHY.)

Like, whatever, but leave innocent little dogs out of this. We already don’t deserve dogs and you’re making it worse. There has to be some other way to symbolize the DEATH OF INNOCENCE.

For example, that moment in Mulan? It’s when she replaces her father’s conscription notice with her hair comb. It perfectly symbolizes the DEATH OF INNOCENCE and the change Mulan goes through-she matures so much in that instance and she’ll never try to be a delicate flower again.

See? Beautiful, effective symbolism, all without the unnecessary death of lovable canines. Thanks.

this guy’s CG robot throat is very distracting, not gonna lie

THE “VILLAINS”

You could argue that this movie has multiple villains. You could try to do that, yes.

The big baddie is the mysterious Nova, who…we barely see during the film. He can somehow infiltrate the bodies of others, which is never explained, and while his reigning presence is brought up through the film, there’s never any pay-off because HEAVEN FORBID WE DON’T HAVE A SEQUEL.

Other villains include Zapan (pictured above), who only became a villain really because Alita made a big deal about showing him up at the bar. Like, he was obnoxious and rude and obviously not great before, but Alita’s insistence at humiliating him turned him into an actual villain. She is the reason he frames Hugo for murder and ultimately is the reason for his death. Alita slices his face off because, I mean, TEENAGE GIRLS AM I RIGHT.

There’s also Vector, who like, could have been a fascinating villain if he’d had…any development whatsoever. But he’s the villain because!! He…rigged the Motorball tryouts! And…he doesn’t like Alita! That’s…that’s about all he is and does. The rest of the movie, Nova is basically controlling him, and when Alita kills Vector? It’s not even Vector. She has no mercy for him and doesn’t even let him die as Vector. He dies as a Nova puppet. Which like…ooh, you go, Alita? You really…showed him? Vector’s not even her main enemy, but he’s built up as if he is, and then his death is like “meh, well, that’s done.”

WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY??? WHY did he get into the nasty business of transporting people(‘s organs) to the sky city??? WHO IS HE??? We will literally never know. Now Mahershala Ali does great with the role, of course, for what little it actually is.

Grewishka is built up as this BIG, BAD BADDIE WITH NO FEELINGS!!! ONLY HATRED!!! KILL ALITA!!!! MRAHHHHHH!!! GET BIG EVIL CHAIN CLAW ARMS!!!!!

And then Alita kills him REAL quick in the final act. And that’s it.

Cool.

LOOK ALITA’S WEARING A RAINBOW SHIRT, GUYS. ARE WE GONNA BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE??? NO…? Is it because she has a heterosexual relationship? Yeah. Yeah that’s it.

THE ART

Aight, there is a LOT I dislike about this movie, clearly. And I will own that. But I do have to talk about the scenery, the designs, and the general art of the movie.

Because DAMN, YOU GUYS.

While I was sitting there absolutely hating pretty much everyone who was on the screen, I was simultaneously in awe of the design of the movie. Because this is a LOVELY movie you guys, at least visually. The world-building of the Iron City is stunning and I loved whenever they were just walking around or showing different parts of the city. The character design? Gorgeous. The design of Alita’s first body is like, engraved ivory or something, it’s beautiful. The Motorball scrimmage scene is just fun-looking, it’s gritty and dystopian and perfect. The thought that goes into the design of every single different cyborg character is incredible.

Now, I have mixed feelings about Alita’s ridiculously giant eyes. It’s like we said “hey can we have an actually decent anime adaptation that isn’t white-washed and clearly shows love for the source material?” and Hollywood was like “so what you’re saying is…the thing we’re missing in these anime adaptations…is the biG ANIME EYES!! YES!!!” and we all said “no wait” but they did it anyway.

However, I read from one of the people who knows the source material, that apparently when Ido finds Alita in the scrapyard originally, her eyes are OPEN. Like that’d be super freaky of course, but apparently it’s because there’s this whole big theme in the original series about the importance of eyes-in the current world, it’s possible to replace almost every part of your body with cyborg parts. Eyes are incredibly valuable because of this. Plus there’s all that stuff we know about “eyes being the window to the soul” or whatever.

So like, from that standpoint? Super cool.

Did they actually explain that or go into that in the movie?

No.

At least everything was pretty to look at.

more movies with robots holding cute little stuffed mushrooms, please

WHAT I WISHED HAD HAPPENED

I think this movie had a lot riding on it, and it had a lot of potential. Apparently, I am very alone in thinking it wasn’t good…at all. And that’s fine.

One thing that consistently bugs me the more I think about it is Alita’s characterization. Now, again, I don’t know how it goes down in the manga/OVAs, but when I liked Alita the most is when she had just woken up and was seeing the world for the first time-that was when she was actually vulnerable. That was when Alita was relatable. Seeing Alita freak out about chocolate? YES, GIRL, ME TOO. Seeing her lose her mind about a cute boy that saved her and smiled at her? SAME, GIRL, SAME. And this picture here, where she’s curled up like a kid with a cute stuffed…thing?

As soon as Alita becomes this invincible weapon, she loses any humanity she’d previously developed and Hugo apparently loved her for. And maybe that’s the point. But it was so quick.

She NEVER goes back to this vulnerable kid again-even when she loses Hugo (for real…”for real”) she doesn’t get to break down about it. Yeah, she screams for him in the moment, but like I mentioned before, she then slices her own tear in half and doesn’t let herself feel weak.

Now, okay, okay, this could be good setup for an interesting arc in the sequel. I agree! Maybe Alita learns that letting yourself feel the sad things makes you more human, not less, and isn’t that what Hugo would have wanted (I guess? who knows what Hugo wants. His character is never explained. Except big eyes? Is that what he wants?)? Sure!

My point is that you can’t give Alita all these vulnerable scenes and then rip ALL of that away from her-why does she have no remorse for those she kills? Why does she paint the dog’s blood on her face rather than cry for it?

Dear Hollywood,

You’re allowed to write strong female characters that also have emotions. Showing them breaking down and feeling sad and then working to overcome those feelings, watching them dealing with them rather than ignoring them…that’s what makes a strong female character.

Female characters don’t have to be either ALL emotion or NO emotion. They can be both.

Groundbreaking, I know.

All I want is a movie about a cyborg girl who discovers things like oranges and chocolate and then discovers she used to be a weapon and then spends time choosing to be a weapon again, not because she feels like she has to because she used to, but because she finds something to fight for. Let her feel something about the people she kills. It’s okay to. Or if she doesn’t explain why. Let her go through a journey.

As beautifully choreographed as the fight scenes in this movie were, maybe less fight scenes and more character development. It makes the story stronger.

Just me?

Okay.

THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, ALITA. Or the sword chooses the cyborg. Because yes, it is a ~magical cyborg sword~

“OOF” MOMENT

…can I say the whole movie?

Okay, okay, that’s mean. But really, there were so many moments that just…ugh it didn’t feel like I was watching a big blockbuster movie, it felt like I was watching a student film project. It’s the dang script. “You are the most human person I’ve ever met”? REALLY?

YOU HAVE REAL HUMAN FRIENDS, HUGO. NOT THAT YOU WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU IGNORE THEM MOST OF THE FILM AS SOON AS ALITA SHOWS UP.

Anyway. That dog death scene though. The one we don’t talk about. Yeah. That moment wins.

FAVORITE MOMENT

Hands down it’s when Alita tries chocolate for the first time.

“wait who is this character you didn’t talk about this chara-” yeah because she’s in the movie for all of one entire scene and then she dies. BUT SHE GETS A POSTER!

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Look, clearly, I am not the person to answer this question.

But, the general consensus seems to be that yes, you should. Do you like the source material? Great, you’ll probably like the movie. Do you like movies with lots of fights and a dead dog and poorly developed characters and terrible dialogue and did I mention the dead dog and also no pay-off because Hollywood can’t make a movie without baiting a sequel anymore? Cool! You’ll definitely like this movie!

I understand that people who are a fan of the source material are a fan of this adaptation, and that’s great! But coming into it as a fresh eye with no knowledge of the source material? I hated it. I really did. And I hate it more the more I think about it. A week has gone by and I’ve definitely settled on hating it. I used to just dislike it.

But if you like it, that is AWESOME. I’m glad you can appreciate things about this movie that I can’t!

But for me, I give Alita: Battle Angel…

1/5 VERY GOOD BOYS WHO ARE ALSO VERY ALIVE BECAUSE THEY DESERVED BETTER!!

Look at how happy and pure and not dead they are!

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

We got a couple of repeats as usual (Us!!!! And Pet Sematary AGAIN), so here are the newbies: Captive State looks FASCINATING. When the trailer first started, I thought it was another Cloverfield movie (and let’s be real-it might still somehow be a Cloverfield movie), but it looks like it’s some sort of dystopian take on political issues but with ALIENS??? I really hope it’s as interesting as it looks, because it sounds like it might be really cool. Next is MIB: International WHICH. Y’ALL. FAM. I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE. I didn’t even know I needed Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth as MIB agents but I DO. I SO DO!!!! The Hustle looks…mehhhhhhhh. I so want it to be good, I’ve loved Anne Hathaway lately, but Rebel Wilson movies seem to be extremely hit or miss. Like it’s a fun premise and it could be really good, but it could also be a lot of physical humor revolving around “haha Rebel Wilson is fat and Anne Hathaway isn’t” which like…we need to stop doing that in female-led movies. In ANY movies, but especially female-led ones because we are better than that. Finally, there was Tolkien, which, as soon as someone figures out what that movie is actually about, please let me know. Like…is it about his life? How he came up with Lord of the Rings? The trailer is really pretty but it honestly doesn’t tell us much. Except that Lily Collins is in it, and I love her. Which means she probably dies.

And that does it for this review! If you made it this far and still want to see the movie, go for it. I won’t understand it, but you do you, pal.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part Review

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GET IT BECAUSE THEY PARODY AND MAKE FUN OF ACTION FANTASY FILMS. GET IT.

So this morning, I took myself to the movies and saw The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part. Yes, I took myself to a movie on Valentine’s Day and I LOVED it. Next question.

I saw the original film kind of by accident, my friends and I had planned to see another film (I don’t even remember what it was now) but we got there way too late, and we said “well, maybe we can at least make fun of The Lego Movie.”

And then we were BLOWN away! Like someone on my tumblr said, “the lego movies have NO BUSINESS being as good as they are!”

Granted no one believes me when I swear up and down that The Lego Movie is actually really well-done and heartfelt with an important message and it’s super self-aware and FUNNY. And feel-good! It’s honestly one of my favorite movies, but it’s hard to convince people that it’s good. I mean, I get it-it sounds stupid and…like, also why is it even a thing?

The point is, I was tentatively really excited for the sequel. The first one was amazing-does the second one stand on its level?

and this is everything you need to know about these characters, right here, in one picture

THE PLOT

We pick up technically sort of right after the end of the first movie, when Dad (Will Ferrell) tells Finn (Jadon Sand) that if he can play down in the basement now with the Legos, so can his younger sister, Bianca (Brooklynn Prince). Cue Bricksburg being attacked by those monsters/aliens made out of the bigger Lego sets designed for younger kids. We see everyone ready to attack, but Emmett (Chris Pratt) tells them to hold it, we don’t need to fight anymore! Emmett makes a big heart out of Legos and gives it to the aliens…who promptly eat it, prompting the rest of Bricksburg to attack.

Five years pass, and Lucy (Elizabeth Banks) narrates how they came to where they are now: embittered by years of rebuilding things only to have the aliens destroy them, they have built a new, less-shiny, dystopian city called “Apocalypseburg.” The citizens are scruffy, angry versions of their former selves (in a fun scene, Emmett walks through the city in a similar way to the intro scene of the first movie, greeting all the same characters who are now all dystopian and stuff-even the cats!), giving up on building anything bright and fun lest it attract the aliens. Everyone, that is, except Emmett, who is still just as happy-go-lucky as we remember him. Lucy tries to get him in the dystopian mood, telling him to brood, and in an attempt to do so, Emmett discusses a dream he had about “Armamageddon” where everyone is lost into the BINS of STOR-AGE!!

Oh and also, he built Lucy a cute little house!! Emmett’s super excited about it (he even made a little throw pillow that has “E + L Forever” embroidered on it), but Lucy is worried the bright colors will attract the aliens. Sure enough, a weird ship shows up and attacks them. The citizens of Apocalypseburg hide in a big safe-room thing they built, but in an effort to save one of the adorable alien stars, Emmett opens the door slightly and accidentally lets in General Mayhem (Stephanie Beatriz!!!).

Mayhem grabs Lucy, Batman (Will Arnett), Unikitty (Alison Brie), MetalBeard (Nick Offerman), and Benny (Charlie Day) and takes them to the “Systar System” for a matrimonial ceremony. Once there, they meet Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi (Tiffany Haddish), who swears she is NOT. EVIL. Really. I promise.

Meanwhile, Emmett rebuilds his house for Lucy as a spaceship, determined to go save his friends, and on the way, he meets REX DANGERVEST (also voiced by Chris Pratt). Rex becomes kind of a mentor to Emmett as they travel, but can they save their friends before Armamageddon hits? Will they find out what is REALLY going on?

this is the entire film pretty much

THE REVIEW

So in a similar fashion to the first movie, there’s a relatively big plot twist and reveal near the end that changes everything. Up to that point, it’s a pretty standard family film with a lot of meta jokes and really lovely animation and fun moments, but…it’s just kind of okay. I kept guessing where they were going with this (after all, one reason I love the first film is how it out of NOWHERE pulls at your heartstrings and changes everything about the movie up to that point), but honestly? I was so, so wrong. I could kind of guess some details (it’s called “ArMAMAgeddon” for a reason) but I couldn’t predict everything, and I’m glad I couldn’t.

It was still good and fun to watch, but the humor felt…not as good as the first movie. It felt more forced, which makes sense. After all, the original threw EVERYONE for a loop, it was so out-of-nowhere and GOOD. Then, in an effort to keep that money-making up, we got Lego: Batman which was…okay. Still good! Still fun! But not…the same. It was clearly made without the same amount of love the first film was. Then we got Ninjago and everyone kinda lost hope in the Lego movies.

Basically, this movie had a lot to live up to, and for me, it didn’t really meet that bar…up until the big twist and the ending. I still think I prefer the first movie by…a lot, BUT, this movie did deliver a great couple twists that changed everything and made me go “AWWWW.” It was a great, positive, feel-good film about the importance of love and togetherness.

People (specifically my ol’ college buds) make fun of me for preferring generally happy, feel-good stories, but honestly? I think sometimes that’s what you need. Generally, we watch movies, plays, musicals, TV, or read books to escape. Isn’t it much more enjoyable if that escape makes you feel good? Now I’m a 4 on the Enneagram, so I do love a good sad story, or misunderstood character, or best of all a tragic, TRAGIC backstory. But I also like to come away from a story feeling good and happy-I want to re-experience stuff like that.

Anyway, tangent done. The point is, I did really, really like this movie. It’s just a lot of fun, and really heartfelt and wonderful, especially at the end. Does it live up to the first movie? Nah, at least not in my opinion, but it’s still good. Better than Batman and Ninjago, that’s for sure.

But what makes it so, dare I say…AWESOME??

Spoiler warning now in effect!

EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEEEE

THE MUSIC

As Lucy says at one point…”Oh no, are we in a musical??”

Yes. This is a musical. Kind of.

Really there are only three songs that feature the characters breaking out into song and two of them are really headlined by Tiffany Haddish as the queen.

It’s interesting, because I distinctly remember thinking the score from the first movie was one of my favorite things ever, it was just super fun and had NO BUSINESS BEING THAT GOOD. Plus there was everyone’s favorite bop “Everything is Awesome.”

This doesn’t have as good of a score, in my opinion, but the soundtrack is still good. “Not Evil” is just ridiculous and super fun, and if I was still auditioning for musicals I would ABSOLUTELY use it. “Catchy Song” does, as the lyrics say, get stuck in your head. But it’s fun and cute, and the scene in the movie that features it is one of my favorites. “Gotham City Guys” is…okay. It’s a fun song, but the relationship built up between the queen and Batman is just…I mean it’s fanfiction material. It’s not bad, it’s juuuuuuust…unique?

But the real amazing song is, and wait for it… “Everything’s Not Awesome.”

Yeah. They did that.

Just when all hope seems lost, the group sings about how yes, everything is NOT awesome. It’s the same tune as “Everything is Awesome” but slowed down and with a piano and really, really sad lyrics…UNTIL……

Lucy’s lyrics in the song are amazing, and this song is what really helped change my mind about the film. She sings “Everything’s not awesome/but that doesn’t mean that it’s hopeless and bleak/everything’s not awesome but in my heart I believe/we can make things better if we stick together/side by side, you and I, we will build it together” which is cute, right?

It then combines with the lyrics to “Catchy Song” but instead of “this song’s gonna get stuck inside your head” the cast sings “this song’s gonna get stuck inside your heart.” WHICH IS SO DORKY AND RIDICULOUS AND I LOVE IT.

Then, the song goes on: “Everything’s not awesome/things can’t be awesome all of the time/it’s unrealistic expectation/but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make everything awesome/in a less idealistic kind of way”

WHICH. LIKE.

Not to mention that the first credits song is all about how awesome credits are because we get to see the names of all the other people who worked on the movie (they timed it so that they sing about specific people like the editor when their name is onscreen and it’s adorable) which like yes!!! Give those people love!! The other two credits songs are all about how we should come together even if we’re different if there was ever a message kids should hear these days, it’s that. They go about their lives seeing adults fight constantly, so to see this movie and get the message that it’s better to work together and focus on love rather than hate…I support this.

my last three brain cells

THE CHARACTERS

Many of the characters are exactly who we loved from the first film (with the possible exception of Batman because I still just…I don’t know how I feel about his whole marriage arc) and it’s a delight. Emmett is relatable AF as always, Lucy is an amazing badass who like faces consequences and changes her mind and realizes the power of love which like YES, Unikitty, MetalBeard, and Benny are sweet lil’ beans yet again. General/Sweet Mayhem is adorable and my love for her increased when I realized she was voiced by Stephanie Beatriz (HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT I AM THE WORST FAN). Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi was super funky and I loved her constant shape-shifting through the film, it was just fun to watch (and after the big twist, my love for her increased). The Queen’s minions (Ice Cream Cone and Banarnar are the two really coming to mind because they were my favs) are super fun, and of course, our human characters are great. Finn and Bianca are super great and I love them, and even though we didn’t see Will Ferrell as Dad this time, we DID see Maya Rudolph as Mom which was fun!

I’m upset Vitruvius didn’t make an appearance, even as a ghost, but I’m most upset about Bad Cop. YOU GAVE LORD BUSINESS TWO WHOLE GOLF REFERENCES, AND BAD COP DOESN’T EVEN GET A WORD, JUST A GRUNT???

#rude

Rex Dangervest is…is a character. I like the meta jokes about who he is (IT’S BECAUSE HE’S VOICED BY CHRIS PRATT GET IT) but he’s never that likable, and granted he’s actually not supposed to be as we learn later. But unfortunately that means we’re stuck with him for a lot of the film, and he’s just…ugh he’s so loud and obsessed with destruction and bleh.

“But wait isn’t that the point?” YES. Exactly.

Let’s talk about the big twists so we can go into why Rex is the worst.

I love how the soldiers’ weapons are cake pops but also WHY DOES BIANCA HAVE SO MANY CAKE POPS AND WHY ISN’T SHE EATING THEM CAKE POPS ARE GREAT, BIANCA

THE TWIST(S)

The clock is ticking down the minutes to the dreaded 5:15, which is when the Queen will marry Batman (that is a real sentence I just typed, yes). Lucy has met up with Emmett and Rex and they have concocted a plan to destroy the wedding ceremony. However, Lucy learns that General Mayhem, without her helmet, is actually Sweet Mayhem, and is super nice and also? The Queen does not want to destroy the world and bring about Armamageddon, she just wants to unite their two worlds in love so the fighting can stop! The whole fight, Lucy and Sweet have been going back and forth with “you started it, no you started it!” And when Lucy points that out, Sweet says no, really, you guys started it.

At the same time, the Queen takes her original form: the heart that Emmett gave the aliens at the beginning of the movie. Lucy realizes that the aliens have never wanted to fight, they took the heart Emmett gave them and made it their queen!

At the same time again, we learn why she’s called Queen Watevra Wa”Nabi: when Bianca first started playing with Legos when she was a lot younger, Finn made her that Lego heart and gave it to her, telling her it could be “whatever she wanted it to be.”

AWWWWWWWW

Also, her friends were never brainwashed like she thought, they just genuinely liked the Systar System better because it’s happier there and everyone is friends! (Which means that Superman and Green Lantern were not brainwashed into being friends, they just genuinely became friends which IS ALSO GROWTH OKAY)

Lucy tries to stop Emmett, but Rex convinces him that Lucy must also be brainwashed, so he goes through with destroying everything.

This has us cut to “reality,” where Mom walks in on Finn and Bianca fighting again-Finn (as Emmett) destroyed the tower Bianca built because she took his stuff (the characters that Mayhem captured). Mom (after stepping on a Lego twice because can you believe they didn’t have that gag in the first movie) says alright, this is really it now, time to pack up the Legos and put them into storage. Finn tells Bianca (as he grabs the spaceship containing Emmett and Rex, allowing them to “make their escape) that she “ruined everything” and she says softly after him that she just wanted him to play with her. (This brings to mind the scene earlier where Sweet Mayhem was telling Lucy that they wanted to be friends because they really looked up to them, which translates to Bianca wants to play with Finn because she really looks up to her brother AND I’M CRYING)

This next twist is…a trip.

Rex reveals to Emmett that he IS EMMETT. He is Emmett who got tossed under the dryer and never found, who hardened because of that, and built a time machine to go back and save himself from…himself. It’s a little funky, but it explains why Chris Pratt voices both characters. Emmett is horrified, but Rex points out that this is great though, look at how tough and mature Emmett is now! Isn’t that what he wanted?

We cut back to our other group, thrown into the bins with the lids on. I kid you not, they show us a THE END TITLE CARD. YEAH. THEY DO THAT.

But Lucy says “woah, no, this is not that story that ends on a depressing cliffhanger.”

This is when “Everything’s Not Awesome” is sung, and the music maybe metaphorically reaches Finn’s heart, and he opens the bin of Legos from his sister’s room. He finds the pieces that build up the Queen, and he remakes her as a heart. He brings it to his sister in her room as the music swells and it’s ADORABLE, OKAY.

Meanwhile, Rex has banished Emmett to under the dryer to think about his actions or something, but then Rex comes there anyway to like beat him up I guess. But Lucy comes for him and saves him!! Lucy and Emmett talk to Rex, try to get him to come with them, but Rex says that since Lucy came for Emmett, Rex will never exist now (“I’m Back to the Future-ing!” he says I KID YOU NOT).

There’s one more twist I promise (although it’s just kind of funny). Anyway, we catch up with Mom, who hears her kids and walks outside to find them playing together with the Legos, and it’s super sweet. She smiles watching them, and then we hear Will Ferrell from inside yell “honey, where are my pants?”

YEAH REMEMBER HOW THAT WAS NEVER EXPLAINED IN THE FIRST MOVIE. GOD BLESS, THAT MEANS FINN HEARS HIS DAD SAY THAT A LOT. I LOVE IT.

I dunno how much acting Pratt had to do for this character tbh I mean…that’s the joke

THE MESSAGE

So the big overall message is one of unity, like I mentioned earlier with the music. There’s no big epic fight, just like how there wasn’t a big epic fight in the first film. There’s just reconciliation between a family, and it’s done in a really sweet way in both movies.

Another message that centers around Rex entirely is that of the dangers of toxic masculinity. Think about it: Rex’s big power is that he can destroy things. He loves it, he LIVES for it; that’s his thing, and he’s proud of it. He was hardened by no one coming to save him under the dryer, and he let that anger control him into wanting to ruin the possible happiness and reconciliation between the two worlds. He is, very purposely, every single action hero ever.

(Quick sidenote and speaking of action heroes: the Bruce Willis cameos in the film were AMAZING. I mean, so random, but great)

Rex represents all the anger Finn feels at Bianca. She steals his toys, she ruins everything…so he breaks her stuff.

One of my favorite lines is when Emmett is talking to Rex at the end and says that there’s nothing about what Rex does that is particularly tough-he takes the easy way out and never wants to connect with or save anyone, only himself. Emmett says that “opening your heart? That’s really tough.”

You could argue when Rex is “Back to the Future-ing” at the end, he does open up a little to Lucy and Emmett, but the important thing is just that: he disappears. He is all anger and destruction and he is not needed.

Now he did teach Emmett how to destroy, and that’s a part of him now. Heck, Rex IS Emmett, remember?

But that’s not all Emmett is. He doesn’t have a perfectly chiseled face, he doesn’t thrive off of loneliness and destroying things, he’s a dork who named his plant “Planty” and buys his girl coffee every morning, he remembers the name of every cat that belongs to that one lady he says hi to every day, he is constantly full of hope, he loves his friends, he loves pop music, and he believes correctly that opening your heart is a really tough thing to do…but it’s worth it. He has never once fought a major villain in the franchise-he talks to them. He offers his hand to them. He tells them that love is more powerful than anything else.

And Lucy loves him for it. All his friends love him for it.

Kids are seeing that anger doesn’t actually solve anything, but peace and love does.

Which brings us to some…interesting reviews I’ve seen…

I wonder if the men are mad because Batman looks like this for most of the film

THE REVIEWS

So you know how Google has this thing where, if you Google a movie now, you can see critic reviews and audience reviews?

So like, I read a while ago that some people started boycotting the Lego: Batman movie because-and I’m serious-it is gay propaganda. The reason? Because Robin is adopted by Bruce Wayne…and Batman. So it promotes…”same-sex adoption.”

I cannot stress how much Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person.

Reviews of that nature have also come after this movie…there are complaints about Bianca’s shirt, which has a rainbow collar (yes, really). There are complaints about Batman’s marriage to Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi because it promotes a marriage to a “nonbinary character.” At first I thought they were referring to the Queen, although characters throughout the film refer to the Queen as “her” which like, she could still be nonbinary, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. Then I realized-Batman. Batman’s nonbinary, of course. That’s why they’re all upset (refer to photo above).

Other complaints are about how it features “undermining the father’s role in the home” (IS THIS BECAUSE WE ONLY HEARD WILL FERRELL AND DIDN’T SEE HIM. HE’S PROBABLY HIDING AFTER THAT DISASTER OF A SHERLOCK HOLMES ADAPTATION HE TRIED TO BE IN) and that it features a character with blue hair who is a “social justice warrior” (I am happy to report that I just today dyed my hair blue, I will be reporting to my social justice warrior camp in the morning).

There are even complaints about how the female characters save the day.

It’s people like this who the movie is targeting, in a way. They are the Rex Dangervest’s of the world. And they had to watch (with their CHILDREN) themselves get undermined on the big screen by a blue-haired FEMALE social justice warrior, a nonbinary Batman, and a girl with a rainbow collared shirt (in front of their CHILDREN).

I don’t want to attack anyone who thinks all of that, really I don’t. I just think maybe if those are your complaints about the movie, maybe you’re not really watching it, you’re just looking for things to hate about it. Everything seems like an attack on you personally when you view it that way. Also? It’s a kid’s movie. Also also? It’s a MOVIE. IT’S MADE-UP, Y’ALL.

I’m not saying it doesn’t have an effect even though it’s made-up, I’m just saying we’re going to war over something that doesn’t really warrant it. I mean…one of the characters is a banana. Who slips on his own peel frequently. That is a recurring gag in the film.

But if you think this movie is bad for your kids because it’s pushing some kind of “politically correct agenda” which is simply…”be nice to each other”, then, well, yeah, I’m gonna make fun of you for it a lil’ bit. And I will absolutely keep dying my hair blue and wearing rainbows all the time.

(also like someone complained that Benny is gay?? And like, I’m super bi you guys, if I missed the big gay agenda push with Benny, I don’t think it’s there. If we’re gonna label it, I would say Benny’s pretty asexual. Have you seen him get excited about literally anything else other than a spaceship? Yeah)

Planty is never seen again after this scene. RIP Planty.

“OOF” MOMENT

I’ve already expressed my distaste at the ONE TINY SCENE THAT THEY GAVE TO BAD COP, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. But I think I’d have to award this moment to the scene where Maya Rudolph steps on a Lego…twice. While it’s an appropriate gag, obviously, it felt very Maya Rudolph-y and not very…Lego Movie-y. It just felt out of place with the tone of the movie. And the tone of this movie is like, allllll over the place.

Also like, whatever scene confirmed Benny’s gayness for a lot of angry parents. It was so bad and subtle I MISSED IT.

FAVORITE MOMENT

The entire ending with all the heartfeltness is probably it, but I have to highlight the scene where Unikitty becomes…Ultrakatty. I feel like I appreciate cat jokes a lot more now that I have a cat. Also there’s a scene where a loud noise wakes Unikitty up and she just puffs up like crazy. It was my cat on the screen, basically.

Also the second part of the credits is ridiculously adorable because it shows pictures of the Lego creations of real-live siblings and it’s SO. CUTE.

“they come in pieces” these are the PUNS

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Like I’ve said, I’ve never really been able to convince people that the Lego movies are actually really, really good. I still genuinely think the first movie is better, but this one is a worthy follow-up, even though it’s not quite as good.

If you liked the first one, even if you were unimpressed with Batman and Ninjago, I think you will like this one. It goes back to its roots more than the spin-offs do, and it is genuinely enjoyable, especially once the twist kicks in. Plus, there are SO MANY META JOKES. SO MANY.

If you’re looking for reasons to hate it, like I said, you won’t like it, of course. If you like fun, feel-good movies and you’re willing to give this a chance, please consider checking out the original and then seeing this one.

They are really, really good, I promise!!

All in all, I give The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part,

4/5 BASIC LEGO BRICKS WITH EXAGGERATED ANIME EYES!!

Because for some reason all of the Systar System characters had crazy big anime eyes. It must be for the added emphasis on those puppy-eyes scenes.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Bunch of repeats, although some of them had a new version of the trailer, like Uglydolls (brace yourself, guys, the bad guy seems to be…A BLONDE WHITE MALE!!!) and How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (I am SO EXCITED and also SO TERRIFIED if they do ANYTHING to Toothless, I genuinely won’t survive. I’m crying over animated flying lizards already and we still have a week). Newbies include Toy Story 4 which…ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why is this happening?? Is it the money???? It’s the money, isn’t it. They ended it PERFECTLY with Toy Story 3, but noooooooo. And look, it’s Pixar, and it’s the Toy Story franchise, so it has a good chance of being like, actually good. But….why does it exist in the first place??? Stupid money. Speaking of cash-grabs, The Secret Life of Pets 2 looks….aight, I guess. I was real excited about the first one, and then it was just kinda…meh. So I don’t have high hopes for this one. The one I’m REALLY excited for is Detective Pikachu. I mean…that is my and a whole lot of other people’s childhoods coming to life in a very, very weird way on screen and I am SO EXCITED. Plus like, Ryan Reynolds as Pikachu??? I am living.

Thankfully I didn’t have to sit through another Brightburn trailer this time.

That’s it for this review! I guess one reason I don’t understand the negative reviews (mostly because I disagree with the basis entirely) is because I really wanted to just…pull the good things out of it? Like I said, it’s not as good as the first one I don’t think, but there’s still really heartwarming stuff that happens. But I forget that we don’t like heartwarming I guess.

Anyway, I thought it was good, and I’m all down for skewing the review results against people who are angry about the movie because Benny is…gay.

I just-he’s not even the character who wore the rainbow-collared shirt??? Whatever.

Miss Bala 2019 Review

PlayerOne1 Comment
but like hear me out, even the tagline is misleading because…she doesn’t really change, it’s just her though? I mean she gets a gun but she doesn’t even really use it, my dudes

So a couple days ago, I took myself to the movies and saw Miss Bala, which WOW, that trailer was misleading. It wasn’t misleading in a bad way, at least in my opinion, but I can see where some people may have gone to see it expecting one movie, and then they got an entirely DIFFERENT movie.

So what was this movie, billed as an intense action-thriller starring Gina Rodriguez ruining a whole bunch of men’s lives in an incredible red dress?

So hear me out, in some ways, it was exactly that. But it was also so much more.

So let’s learn all about the incredible power of female friendship because, and I cannot stress this enough, THAT’S what Miss Bala is really about.

if only we could all look as put together while we contemplate our life decisions

THE PLOT

The movie begins following Gloria Fuentes (Gina Rodriguez), a professional makeup artist who dreams of being more and maybe like even a designer one day instead of following the same old boring canned designs? She and the audience get a grim in-your-face reminder of her position when her supervisor flat-out says “we don’t pay you to think.”

Great, thanks for that.

But it can only bring her down for so long, because after the fashion show, Gloria heads down to Tijuana, Mexico to spend the weekend with her best friend Suzu (Cristina Rodlo). Suzu is entering the Miss Baja California pageant, and Gloria, naturally, will be her makeup artist. There’s a really fun scene where they sign up and the pageant coordinator gives her a once-over and Gloria’s all “oh yeah I’m not entering” and the coordinator just full-out Regina George is like “oh I didn’t think so.” (Like?? has she SEEN Gina Rodriguez???) Suzu takes on the audience’s reaction and is ready to THROW DOWN with this coordinator, but Gloria talks her out of it.

Later that night, Gloria is practicing Suzu’s makeup and they have a really sweet heart-to-heart about how they’re family and all and Suzu gives Gloria this dorky adorable friendship bracelet she made her and it’s all very nice.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT HAPPY STUFF, we cut to Suzu and Gloria heading to a club to shmooze with some of the pageant higher-ups (Suzu drops the plot point here that the chief of police tends to sleep with the pageant winner every year BUT IT’S A RUMOR OKAY EVERYTHING’S FINE). Gloria heads to the bathroom after Mr. Chief of Police GROPES her, but she doesn’t want to ruin Suzu’s chance at winning, so she just quietly leaves. In the stall, though, she sees and hears a group of guys break in through the ceiling vent and um, they got guns. One of them finds Gloria and pulls her out, which is where she first makes eye contact with the leader, Lino Esparza (Ismael Cruz Cordova). Though egged on to shoot Gloria because she’s seen them, Lino seems to find her intriguing because she’s an American. He tells her she has ten seconds to get out.

Gloria desperately tries to get to Suzu in the crowded club, but it’s too late-the guys open fire on the club and it’s chaos. Gloria barely makes it out, but she still cannot find Suzu (though she keeps passing girls who could be her, but they keep getting shot or hurt and it’s jarring). She ends up spending the night in a cafe with other survivors, with Suzu not answering her phone. Gloria finds a policeman outside, says she’s a survivor and she saw the men who did this. The policeman offers to take her to the station, but something’s wrong. Instead, he takes her to a hotel, and she is grabbed by none other than Lino Esparza’s men.

She is later barely able to escape after being forced to leave a car with a bomb inside parked outside a safehouse. Because of this, she is captured by the DEA, and told she will only be released if she delivers Lino to the DEA.

The rest of the movie is a tense back-and-forth between Gloria and her life with Esparza’s men, all while desperately searching for Suzu. Can she save Suzu and escape from a life of crime, or will she be forced to live out her days as a slave to Esparza’s gang, forever wondering what happened to her dear friend?

this is basically the movie, various men telling Gloria what to do while she just death-stares the entire time

THE REVIEW

Even from the plot summary, it sounds like the movie that was advertised. I mean, isn’t it, in some way, a version of Taken? I mean even the tagline “who would you become to save your family?” I mean it’s…it’s Taken, you guys.

Except it’s not. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually liked Taken when I saw it, but this is not that movie. The way it’s billed, you think Gloria will develop some kind of relationship with Lino and be his gang queen or something, but really she’s doing it to save her friend so it’s all a lie. And like…that is not what happens. You can tell it’s what Lino wants to happen (except for the it being all a lie part)-he’s obsessed with Gloria pretty much from the moment he sees her. He is beyond happy to control her and make her special, groom her into being his “queen.”

But Gloria? She is having NONE of that.

Even when it seems hopeless, and it seems hopeless a LOT, Gloria never loses sight of her goal: Suzu. Saving Suzu is all she wants. She is not in it for any kind of sick relationship with Lino or DEA guy (SPOILER granted, DEA guy doesn’t really last long enough to even make it a possibility but also he kinda betrayed Gloria so we don’t care for him that much tbh).

Now, are there action-packed scenes as advertised? Yes, of course. But you know how in movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Liam Neeson or I guess Dwayne Johnson is doing stuff like that now whatever ANYWAY, generally in movies like that, the action scenes are “fun?” They’re always played to show you how impossibly immortal our main guy is, or how weird and ridiculous some of the stunts can get. They’re played to bring out your inner animal to cheer for all the destruction or something I guess, I’ve never enjoyed stuff like that so I can’t speak for why they’re the way they are. The action scenes in this movie are never enjoyable, they’re never there to show off stunts and grunts and whatever else you look for. These scenes are appropriately horrific. The shootout in the club at the beginning is terrifying and stressful, the stand-off in the lot between the gang and the DEA is tense and difficult, and the final assault on the party, despite it being the most played up in the trailer, is scary. It just is.

And honestly? It’s one of the things I appreciate the most about the movie. It felt real, not just played up for entertainment.

I could go on about that for a while, but there are other reasons this movie isn’t the movie that was advertised. I’ll go into those more down below.

So it’s not the movie that was advertised-but is it good?

Honestly? It’s pretty okay.

Like The Kid Who Would Be King, I don’t think this is a movie that’ll win any awards. It’s a little messy, especially in the beginning, and the ending kinda comes out of nowhere. Plus, even though it knows what movie it wants to be, it was not advertised as such, so people don’t really know what to do with it. Plus apparently it’s very loosely based off of a 2011 Mexican film of the same name, so some people have an issue with that.

Look, despite the messiness, I still think there are interesting and good things in this film-plus, Gina Rodriguez is a goddess.

I can’t fully detail my opinion here, so let’s just dive in deeper and discuss.

Spoilers ahead!!

what do you mean she doesn’t look like she’s in the middle of a shootout in this picture isn’t that what you’d look like

THE MUSIC

I really liked the music! I don’t think there was any one musical moment that really stood out to me, although the club shootout was eerie because the club music kept playing over the carnage which was just…very unsettling. Effective, but also just kind of…blech.

Actually, having looked up the soundtrack on Spotify, I can say that the sweet guitar theme in the song called “Gloria & Suzu” is adorable and sweet, and then “Gloria Drives” is a direct contradiction and is super suspenseful and just ACK.

Also, we have to talk about the end credits song “Call the Shots” by Leslie Grace because DAMN. The lyrics are exactly why I like what I do like about this movie, and we’ll get into why in a later section. But seriously, this song is good. Add it to your “empowerment” playlist.

man this entire scene where he flips her hair all over on one side and she just glares at him in the mirror like AHHHH

THE CHARACTERS

Probably appropriately, we don’t have a lot of characters to discuss because a lot of them don’t get fully developed (I mean many of them do die so).

We have to start with our leading lady, light of my soul, Gloria Fuentes. I’m probably biased because I would die for Gina Rodriguez, but Gloria is a wonderful lead to follow through the movie. Again, her goal the entire time is just to find and save her best friend, and it’s just so pure and good you want her to succeed. Gloria is not perfect of course. She breaks down a lot on various jobs from Lino, I mean girl is scared, all right, and in order to save herself she accidentally helps her new comrade Isabel get…killed. You could argue that it is that scene, however, that helps to solidify her actions in the final act. Anyway, point is, Gloria is a good character to follow, and she is smart, capable, and has a good arc-we’re happy that she wins in the end because she deserves it. She is constantly underestimated by the men in the film, and she lets them, partly because she is used to it, but also because it leads to their downfall in many cases and her victory. Fools.

Suzu is, unfortunately, absent from much of the film, but she is an absolute ray of sunshine when she is onscreen. This is good because we have to want her to be rescued. In the little bit we do see of her, she clearly cares for Gloria a lot, and she just genuinely wants to win Miss Baja California. She is too pure and good and I’m so happy she’s okay in the end. I mean, unfortunately, she’s changed because of what happened to her, but she does get rescued.

Lino Esparza is a fascinating villain, and the more I think about it, the more I’m glad they depicted him the way they did. The movie does a fantastic job of painting him as a monster and a human. He does terrible, terrible things. He kills without a second thought. He has no problem ordering Gloria to strip for him, to lie down next to him, to untie his boots for him. He is absolutely drunk on the power he owns because he believes he deserves it. But…he’s dang attractive! And he at least seems to care for Gloria, sort of, but more importantly, look! He has a sweet family who cooks delicious food and there are children and he’s great with them and one day he just wants to buy that land so they just own it and awwww!! Lino is humanized to some degree for both the audience and Gloria, but never so much that we forget how awful he is. He’s well-rounded, and that’s important!

There are other characters, like I mentioned, but they’re not developed or even really important in the way that those three are. Lino has a henchman who never trusts Gloria and treats Isabel like a sex slave. DEA guy Brian has no soul (he tells Gloria there will be a SWAT guy available to get her out of the standoff, but when Gloria says there isn’t anyone there, he just says “k you’re on your own bye” LIKE. EXCUSE YOU). Suzu has a little brother who is Gloria’s godson and he is precious and also comes out unharmed! Isabel is precious, if I could have made any changes, it would have been to have both her AND Gloria take Lino’s crew down, but I get why her death happened.

Basically, the characters that were developed are well-developed, and that’s important. There aren’t a lot of them, but there don’t really need to be. We don’t need to know Henchman #1’s entire backstory to dislike him for the way he behaves towards Isabel. DEA guy Brian had plenty of character development in the betrayal scene and that was all I needed to know about him honestly.

Gina Rodriguez cries a lot in this movie and can I just say how illegal that should be

THE TWIST

I guess the first twist is in the middle when Gloria saves Lino in the lot standoff, but that was shown in the trailer so doesn’t count. The big twist comes at the very end.

Throughout the film, Gloria has been asking Lino to help her find Suzu because he promised. He dances around the topic a lot, but that’s just kind of how he is so it’s not really suspicious…until it is.

The ultimate plan is for Gloria to infiltrate the Miss Baja California pageant and win so that she can be invited to the Chief of Police’s room (yeah that rumor where he sleeps with the winner? HAHA NOT A RUMOR). Once there, Esparza’s men will attack and take him down so that she can find Suzu.

At the party, Gloria does find Suzu! But when she pulls Suzu aside to talk, she discovers something awful-Suzu was sold into a sex-trafficking ring run by none other than Lino Esparza himself. She has a tattoo on her hand that matches the one on Lino’s back-a tattoo logo.

So the whole time Lino was pretending to be looking for Suzu, he knew exactly where she was.

Filled with fury at this revelation but being taken to the Chief of Police’s room now, she decides to ruin the plan. She writes on a card to show to the Chief of Police that Lino Esparza is coming to kill him. This of course leads to a gigantic shootout that Gloria walks through (remember that footage from the trailer with her in the red dress? Mmm. Yep.).

There, she finds both Suzu…and Lino. Lino, still playing innocent, tells Gloria “see! I told you we’d find her!” But Gloria is having none of it. She asks Suzu to show Lino her hand with the tattoo. So Lino knows now, but even though Gloria’s pointing a gun at him, he doesn’t think she’ll shoot (this mirrors an earlier scene where he was teaching her to shoot and she had the gun pointed at him for a time). Unlike earlier though, she does take the shot. This ties in to the bigger theme of the film:

I have a lot of feelings about this dress

THE THEME

Underestimating women, but especially Gloria, is what I would argue to be the main theme of the film.

Throughout the entire film, Gloria is underestimated by every man she comes in contact with. Her supervisor? She “doesn’t get paid to think.” DEA guy Brian? Cool if she can bring them Lino, but if not, she’ll be another casualty in the standoff and not his problem. Henchman #1? He just doesn’t want her to distract Lino, but of course she can’t be the mole. Also, she’s a terrible cook who sets the kitchen on fire (newsflash: she did it on purpose as part of her plan and also you’re an idiot). And most of all: Lino Esparza. He thinks Gloria is fascinating and he likes her because she’s American, like he was. He senses some fight in her, but not enough to do anything about it. He degrades her by touching her, ordering her around, dressing her up, by owning her. He teaches her to shoot because he wants her to be able to defend herself on their next job because obviously she’s totally going to stay with him, but he does not think she will shoot him even when she’s pointing a gun at him.

Women are objects for men throughout the film. It’s ironic that part of the last job takes place at a beauty pageant, something famously ridiculed for the way it showcases women. Suzu is sold as a sex slave, and she’s entering this pageant knowing, probably, that if she wins she may have no choice but to sleep with the Chief of Police. Isabel is absolutely a sex slave for Henchman #1, and both she and Gloria are immediately delegated to cooking for the men at their hideout. Every party shown in the movie has obvious shots of women in tight dresses leading men out of room post-sex, shots of strippers, shots of girls whose only job is to look pretty for the men that own them in this world.

This movie does not end with Gloria taking a gun and shooting all of Esparza’s men in revenge, as well as every other horny guy there. She uses the gun on the Chief of Police, someone who canonically has taken advantage of and slept with who knows how many desperate girls simply because he can, someone who has groped not only Gloria but multiple girls throughout the film. She uses the gun on Lino Esparza, the man in charge of the sex trafficking ring that took her best friend, the man who tried to groom, abuse, and use her, the man who killed Isabel without a second thought because sometimes “sacrifices need to be made.”

And that’s it.

Once Lino is dead, Gloria grabs Suzu and they immediately surrender to the police.

I think that’s why many people (specifically all the old white guy reviewers on Rotten Tomatoes #I’MJUSTSAYING) don’t like this film. It was advertised as that big macho man movie except ohhhhh DUDE it has Gina Rodriguez in a tight red dress DUUUUUUUUDE!!!

Gloria is never objectified for the audience’s sake. She is objectified by the men in the film because that is the point-these men underestimate her and think they can own her, and they cannot.

Why?

Because of female friendship. Gloria’s quest to find Suzu is what drives her, and she never, ever wavers. When she shoots the Chief of Police, she is also shooting the man who would have forced Suzu to sleep with him if she’d won the pageant. When she shoots Lino, she is also shooting the man who sold her friend like a collectible trinket.

Despite being advertised as a big, violent movie with GUNS!, guns are never glorified in the way it was maybe advertised. Lino loves his weapons of course, but again, Gloria only uses it to bring two of her and Suzu’s and many, many women’s abusers down. Then, she drops it. She doesn’t need it anymore. In an age where there are violent shootings every day in the US, I admire this movie for not painting it as some kind of saving grace for Gloria-it was a tool to save her and her friend, and then, she was done.

There’s a lot of Lino dressing Gloria up and then staring at her while she just looks so, so, so very done

THE RELATIONSHIP

I have to talk a little about the Lino/Gloria relationship because I really appreciate the way it was handled.

It would have been incredibly easy to have some sort of “romantic” element added to it-Lino clearly at least lusts for her, and Gloria starts to see some sort of human side to him after he takes her to see his family.

However, it never went that direction, and I am so thankful for that.

Every scene with Lino and Gloria is kind of disgusting to some degree, which is exactly how it should be. He’s constantly staring at her, touching her, flat-out ordering her to strip, or messing with her hair. It’s never loving, it’s always possessive. And Gloria never reacts like maybe she wants it, ever-she’s always stone-faced and clearly trying not to like, scream. Maybe that’s just what I wanted to do.

Even when Gloria may start seeing some sort of good in him, this is immediately shattered by how easy it is for him to murder Isabel. This is a double-edged sword, because it was Gloria’s action of putting the tracking chip in Isabel’s phone (though granted, she did not know it was Isabel’s phone when she did it, she was on a time-limit) that led to her being labeled a traitor. But that’s all Lino needs to execute her, despite Gloria’s screams of protest. She begs to just be able to talk to him, maybe she can make him see sense, but Lino doesn’t let her, he wants her to be taken away where she can’t interfere.

This action solidifies Gloria’s feelings toward him. It SUCKS that Isabel dies, but in a way it’s necessary for Gloria to fully realize Lino as a monster. You could argue that the discovery of the link between Suzu and Lino also does this, but I think you have to build it gradually. Gloria’s furious at Lino, but she won’t do anything to him because her priority is Suzu. Once Suzu is found oh and also he’s the one in charge of that trafficking ring? Then all bets are off.

Basically, they could have added this Stockholm syndrome plotline to this, and I’m so glad they didn’t.

one of a couple different posters for the original movie

THE RE-IMAGINING

The poster above is one for the 2011 movie I mentioned earlier. It also got mixed reviews, but generally people seemed to like it, especially those people angry about this new movie.

I think because they share a title and a very, very basic plot connection, it’s easy to claim this 2019 movie is a remake, in which case it would be a very bad one. The main character is completely different and the Miss Baja California plotline is played way, WAY down.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair to call this film a remake-I would say it’s more of a re-imagining. Even the opening credits claim it’s inspired by the 2011 film, not based on.

Now, I haven’t seen the 2011 film, but from what I gather and see, the bullet imagery is played up a lot more in that film than this one. The point of that film is the infiltration of the beauty pageant-the point of this film is Gloria as a character and her friendship with Suzu. The pageant is never the point, merely a side thing.

Anyway, you’re welcome to do what you want of course, I just generally don’t think it’s fair to compare these two films since honestly, they seem to be very different. Should the 2019 film have been named something different, then? I mean yeah, maybe. But like The Power of Friendship sounds like a My Little Pony movie, so…

LOOK. AT. THAT. DRESS.

“OOF” MOMENT

Again, every scene where Lino touched Gloria just was GROSS and EW but we gotta give this one to the ending where Gloria is suddenly recruited by the CIA?????

Um…I mean cool she deserves it but also WHAT.

FAVORITE MOMENT

When Gloria found Suzu and gave her the friendship bracelet she’d been holding on to to show her that she’d been looking for her this whole time I JUST THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH I SUPPORT THEM.

same poster again because I couldn’t find an alternate one? Did they make any?

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

So listen-it’s honestly tough for me to recommend this movie. I saw a review that called it “genre-defying” and I agree with that. It’s hard to place this movie because it’s so…not what people thought. And that’s not a bad thing, at least for me. I did like it, and I loved the direction it took, but the violence is tough to watch. Again, I feel like it’s meant to be because it’s not directed as entertaining action scenes, which is good. It’s appropriately horrific, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch.

Still, the violence is not the entire movie. Gina Rodriguez absolutely steals the show and does amazing, and it’s so, so satisfying when she finds Suzu and wins. If you like typical action thrillers, you may not like this film. But if you like character-driven, tense films where the bad guys DEFINITELY LOSE and the good girls are incredible AND WIN, then I think you might like this one. Above all else, I think it does have a good story with great characters, and again, a very satisfying ending (prior to the CIA recruitment because that was just waaaaaay out of left field).

As a whole, I give this film…

3/5 FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS!!!!

Because we all know it, that friendship bracelet was a much bigger symbol to the film than a bullet, despite both film title and advertising.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

You would think that by now I’ve seen the Pet Sematary trailer enough to know and prepare for that stupid truck jumpscare in the beginning. I’m not, though. Lots of repeat trailers for this movie, but our new contenders are: Captain Marvel, which I will absolutely be seeing. I mean, Marvel finally giving a female superhero their own movie???? I’M THERE. Plus I would die for Brie Larson, much like I would die for Gina Rodriguez. Cold Pursuit looks…meh. It was so hard to tell what the movie was even about from the trailer, it was just like “LOOK! LIAM NEESON! Also explosions! Cars in trees! Loud noises! Excitement! LIAM NEESON AGAIN!” so um…right now it’s a no from me, unless there’s some incredible plot or I hear good things. But. Meh. And then there was Brightburn, which when I was taking notes in my phone I actually wrote “Brightburn what the GUCK” and I didn’t correct it because that feels a lot more accurate to how I feel about it. I mean, we’ve all been spammed with trailers for The Prodigy, and now this looks like almost the same film except the kid is like an evil..alien? I guess? That stupid jumpscare at the end though. Nope.

And that does it for this review!

Is Miss Bala a great movie? Not really. But I can appreciate and like things about it, and if you think you can too, I recommend taking yourself to the movies to see Miss Bala.

Or if you just wanna see Gina Rodriguez walk around in that dress with explosions in the background because honestly, price of admission, right there.

The Kid Who Would Be King Review

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the tagline just sounds like another day at school really

So this afternoon, I took myself to the movies and saw The Kid Who Would Be King, the next in a long line of remakes and adaptations of the King Arthur/Merlin/Morgana/Knights of the Round Table story.

I feel like I saw about zillion trailers for this movie but then I haven’t heard anything since it was released, so I truly didn’t know what to expect from it. I mean the trailer made it look cute and fantastical and I love almost anything Arthurian or whatever, but trailers can be verrry misleading.

I am happy to report that this trailer was NOT misleading (in most respects, more on that later), SO without further ado, let’s pull the plot from the stone and dive right in.

Pun game less strong, sorry about that.

so cheesy and ridiculous and also perfect

THE PLOT

The movie begins with an animated segment detailing the basic overview of the Arthurian legend for the audience’s sake. It’s a story many of us have heard before in some fashion, and it loosely covers the big points: Arthur pulled the sword from the stone as a kid, became a great king, gathered knights at a round table so they were all equal, fought Morgana, has a magic buddy named Merlin, so on and so forth (again, it’s a very basic overview and obviously cannot touch on every detail if you know the legend well. It sets up only what needs to be set up for the following story. This is likely why Guinevere was not included, among other things). It’s done in a sort of comic book-esque animation, and it’s quite lovely.

We then meet our main character Alex (Louis Ashbourne Serkis), a pretty average kid who does things like skip breakfast, leave his big homework projects to the last second the night before, and run to defend his best friend Bedders (Dean Chaumoo) from the school bullies Lance (Tom Taylor) and Kaye (Rhianna Dorris). He’s so determined to defend his friend, he actually gets into a full-out fist-fight with Lance. Later, trying to outrun Lance and Kaye after detention, Alex seeks shelter in a gated-off construction area, where he finds, you guessed it, a SWORD IN THE STONE. Well, okay, it’s a sword in a concrete block. BUT STILL.

Alex and Bedders joke about the sword being “The Real Excalibur” or not, and that night Alex is attacked at home by some kind of evil fiery underling, presumably one of Morgana’s (the wonderful Rebecca Ferguson). Around this time, Merlin (Angus Imrie) arrives and shows up at their school to watch over Alex and occasionally sneeze and turn into an owl (going by the extremely clever undercover name…”Mertin”). His cover is quickly blown when he realizes that the solar eclipse, the event that will apparently allow Morgana to escape her underground confines and enslave all of Britain, is actually in four days and NOT in four years, like he originally thought. This causes him to need to speed up the timeline a little, revealing his adult form (played by the one and only Sir Patrick Stewart) in order to convince Alex and Bedders of how dire the situation really is.

Once Alex and Bedders believe, they try to recruit Lance and Kaye to the cause around the round dining table. From there, they embark on an epic quest to train, find the truth about Alex’s father, grow as human beings, and recruit a giant army to defeat Morgana once and for all and save the world.

No pressure.

the real magic is Merlin’s never-ending neck

THE REVIEW

Listen I had a meeting this morning which means my to-do list tripled, so I picked this movie to see after because I assumed it would be lighthearted and enjoyable and I wouldn’t cry or feel too many emotions or anything, I mostly just wanted fun and escapism (this is why I’m seeing Miss Bala tomorrow instead because that’ll be anything BUT lighthearted and fun).

Beyond that, I guess I honestly wasn’t expecting much.

And listen, this movie? It’s delightful.

Is it groundbreaking in any way? Not really. Will it win any awards? Probably not. Is it a true cinematic experience that you feel in your soul? It’s not Black Panther, no.

BUT. It’s good. It really is. And it’s fun. And it’s relatively diverse. I think it would be enjoyable for kids and adults alike. It’s a great family movie.

More than anything else, it is chock-full of amazing, important, wonderful messages for kids. Kids watching this movie will come away feeling like they can do anything, and you know what? They absolutely can.

It doesn’t have incredible script-writing and heartbreaking moments like Pixar movies, it doesn’t have the budget, namesake, or even probably the staying power of your typical Disney movie, and best of all in my opinion, it does not have any pandering, stupid “kid-humor” like other aimed-at-kids movies.

Because the main cast we cheer for are all kids, and because it wants the audience to take their quest just as seriously as they do, it never for one second (except when plot-appropriate) tells the kids of the movie, or the audience, that they cannot have a heart-pounding, serious, and fun adventure story all of their own. It respects the kids in the audience just as much as the kids onscreen, and it’s extremely refreshing. You know it’s a kids’ movie just because of who the cast is and how the story goes, but not because of the jokes that can sometimes define (and ruin) a movie like this.

Again-is it groundbreaking and impressive? Not necessarily.

Is it important?

I think so.

Spoiler warning now in effect for the more detail-oriented breakdown of the review, if you’d rather watch it first and come back!

Morgana had the best theme of the entire score and you can’t change my mind

THE MUSIC

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Listen, it definitely had some good moments. The little acoustic theme that played in the beginning, and then when the characters started their journey altogether? Light and fun, loved it. The tree training battle music??? Quirky and weird and it was great. MORGANA’S EVIL MUSIC??? That was the best part tbh.

Overall, nothing about the main score really stood out to me personally. There was epic music when there needed to be (and there needed to be a lot of it) and there were sad elongated chords playing for the more poignant moments. But overall, you could put a lot of the music over footage from a separate adventure fantasy film and it wouldn’t make much of a difference. It didn’t feel like the score for Into the Spider-verse, which was so personalized and unique to that movie that it wouldn’t fit with anything else.

And maybe that wasn’t the point, and that’s fine. The main important thing is that the score didn’t detract from the film at all, and that’s crucial.

they are just babeys…poor babeys, children, pls save them

THE CHARACTERS

They are precious beans who need to be protected, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

But really, part of what makes this movie so fun is how the characters are and how they interact with one another. By the end, I loved all the kids-and it didn’t necessarily start out that way.

Bedders was probably my favorite from the beginning-he’s just so supportive and excited about everything, and his moment where he stood up to Lance and Kaye to protect Alex (where usually it’s Alex protecting Bedders) was so sweet. Plus when he learns how to do actual magic as opposed to the magic illusions he was working on, he’s SO EXCITED and it’s so precious.

Lance and Kaye never really have development apart from each other, as they generally serve the same purpose in the plot-they’re the bullies, or Alex’s enemies, who get recruited and become knights by the end. They learn to fight for something other than themselves. Lance overcomes his selfishness and Kaye…they make a big-deal about how she is “callow” which is odd because they’re kids? Aren’t they all callow?? She doesn’t necessarily have a big moment to overcome that, although she does save Bedders during a horseback incident and she drives the getaway car in that one chase scene. They’re obnoxious in the beginning, as they are meant to be, and they’re wonderful by the end.

Merlin is an absolute dork the whole way through the film. When he’s a teenager, he’s lanky and overexcited and loud and wears the most ridiculous bright yellow rain boots, and when he’s an adult, he’s quirky Patrick Stewart. He strongly believes in the kids, as he tells Morgana in a pivotal moment, and he’s really the first adult character to do so, which is refreshing.

It took me the longest to warm up to Alex as a character, and I’m still not convinced I really like him by the end necessarily. Through the first half of the film, the quest is to find his long-lost father, whom he believes knew all along that Alex was “the once and future king” based off of the way he signed a copy of the Arthurian legend for his son. However, on the quest, they find out that the book signature was actually forged by Alex’s mother, and the truth is that his dad was no hero-he was an alcoholic who left the family. This does give Alex some interesting development-as Merlin explains, Alex is not a direct descendant of the original Arthur…and he doesn’t have to be. The sword “chose” him because of who he is, not because of any family connection. So from then on, Alex just has to believe in himself because of himself, and not for any other reason. It’s a nice moral.

There is a slight problem here, however. While I fully support the message of “you can be anything no matter where you come from,” it’s still a message and a plotline that they gave to a white boy. While it’s still incredibly important for him to believe in himself, it still stands true that Alex (and Lance) will have the least amount of problems growing up simply because of who they are. They are white males, they are naturally privileged, and they will continue to be. The message of believing in yourself regardless of your background is an important one, and a beautiful one-but wouldn’t it have been that much more powerful if it had been a plotline given to a character of color?

Regardless, like I said, it’s still an important message. And almost every single kid who goes to see the movie will come away having seen themselves on screen saving the world-how cool is that?

It kind of reminds me of when the new A Wrinkle in Time came out, and many people were disappointed because it wasn’t exactly like the book-but can you imagine all the little black girls who saw that movie, and saw a girl who looked like them being told over and over again how smart she was? And not in a condescending way, either-her love interest admired her because of how smart she was.

That’s the beautiful thing about stories like this: they let kids imagine that they can be the main character just as they are. They can save the world just as they are. They can do great things just as they are. They don’t get pandered to or patronized because they are children; they are simply believed in.

this movie is also known as The Kid who GOT TO HANG OUT WITH PATRICK STEWART

THE MESSAGE

I touched on this a bit (a lot) in the characters section, but there’s another side of it.

What makes this movie worth seeing isn’t the characters, it isn’t the plot, not the score, the cinnamontography (that’s a real word I swear), its take on the Arthurian legend, or EVEN Sir Patrick Stewart (he’s still great though). What makes this movie worth seeing, I think, is the message.

Like I said in the characters section, one big message in the movie is that kids can do anything, no matter where they come from. They can stand up for themselves, they can perform seemingly impossible tasks (like pulling a sword from a stone), or they can fight off an army of demons. It’s a great message, and another message that slides into that is that friendship is an incredible power all on its own. Alex invited the two people who helped make his and his best friend’s lives’ at school miserable and gave them an opportunity to fight alongside him. I don’t think the overall point there is that you should go around offering your local bullies friendship bracelets (although hey, why not), but rather to see them not as bullies but as people. Though it was touched on only lightly, Lance and Kaye had reasons for behaving the way they were. For some reason, maybe something in their home lives, they believe initially that the world is unfair and they can’t do anything to change it, so why try? They feel like it’s completely hopeless, and moreover, they themselves feel worthless. They got that message from someone in their lives. And they acted out because of it.

Alex and Bedders saw that in them, and tried to help them see past it. And it led to a really powerful, unassuming friendship, and lots of supporting each other when all hope was lost. Also, friendship hugs!! And cuddles!!!

But in my opinion, the strongest message of all is that the kids are the future. It’s cheesy, and it sounds like a campaign slogan for PTA president, but it is the message. It comes out the clearest for me during the final battle.

Merlin confronts Morgana before she goes to face off against Alex & Co., and it’s important to note that while their initial confrontation takes place when Merlin appears to be a teenager, he changes so that this next moment happens in his adult form. These are two adults facing off now.

Morgana’s stance is that she is owed the sword, and the power, because she is the last living Pendragon. And have you seen these KIDS??? With their “TOYS” and “TRINKETS????”

“Do you really believe in them?” she asks, because she doesn’t take them seriously-she flat-out asks Merlin if he chose children because he thought she wouldn’t have the guts to do anything to them.

Merlin says that of course he believes in them. Those kids have more courage and heart than you’d believe.

“We are the past, Morgana. Those kids are the future.” Merlin, in his adult form, says to her then.

Sound like a familiar argument?

This is crucial because Morgana is embodying what every adult in the film has said, has believed, up to this point: they’re just kids. The world will not be kind to them. We can’t baby them and have them believe in fairy tales. They’ll have to earn the good things in life, it won’t just be handed to them. It certainly wasn’t handed to us!

Merlin is the one adult in the film who stands against this (sure, Alex’s mother believes her son only after he summons the Lady of the Lake in their bathtub, but you can tell she’s still coming to terms with everything). He realizes that their time is over: these kids? Their time is just beginning.

I don’t want to get in to a whole generational war, not necessarily, but the metaphor is there.

And it’s important for kids seeing this movie to see that, to see not only themselves being awesome and saving the world, but to see that yes, many adults, many people from the previous generation will not believe in them…but some will.

Kids need to see adults believing in them, because they are the future.

protect these kids 2k19

MY THEORY

One of the many things that stood out to me during the film was this sense of bluntness about everything. In the beginning when Alex is heading to school, we hear a newscaster flat-out discussing how the world is doomed because more dictator-esque and authoritarian leaders are in power than ever before. I mean sure, but jeez, that’s a little, well, blunt. Then, Alex passes by a newsstand, and every headline is something like “DOOM.” or “THE TERROR CONTINUES.” I mean there is NO subtlety.

This is followed up by almost every conversation Alex has with an adult during the movie. When he speaks with the principal after getting in a fight, the principal tells him that his actions here will affect the rest of his life, he knows that, right? The world is not kind and it’s not going to take care of him.

Okay thanks for the pep talk…

Later he’s talking with his mom who tells him that his dad would never have wanted his son to be someone who believes in fairy tails or carries swords around.

I mean I really don’t think that exact topic would have occurred to him?

Even later, when Alex meets his aunt and learns the truth about his dad, she is not gentle with him at all. She says that his dad was not a good man at all, she doesn’t even know where he is, he doesn’t love them and never did.

I mean I get it’s a fantasy movie, but YEESH.

That felt a little too far outside the confines of reality, and those were all supposed to be real conversations, no magic to be seen.

What occurs to me, however, is that all of that makes sense if you think of it from a child’s viewpoint. A child might hear discussions of some dangerous leaders in the world, and translate that into a newscast about more authoritarian leaders than ever before. A child might translate long newspaper headlines into what they really are saying: “DOOM.” “THE TERROR CONTINUES.” A child might get in trouble at school and all they’d hear from the principal is that those actions affect the rest of their lives, even though they don’t (Alex is 12-you hear stuff like that in high school and it still isn’t true). A child would hear complicated reasons for a parent leaving and assume it’s because of them, because they believe in fairy tails and stupid things like that. A child would hear that a parent left because they do not love them.

Merlin has fascinating magic all throughout the film (every time he casts a spell it’s very Syfy’s The Magicians-esque), but one of the most unique things he does is cast a spell on an adult figure to get them to do what he wants. But what I noticed more than anything is that the spell silences the adult. Once the adult is silenced and not putting the kids down anymore, they can continue with their quest.

Morgana may be the embodiment of evil and Alex’s main enemy throughout the film, but another enemy is the adults in his life not believing in him and not trusting him. He hears all of that and translates it into something else, even if it’s not the message originally intended.

At the very end, Merlin congratulates the main four kids and, most importantly, tells them exactly what it is about them as individuals that helped them win. Merlin is the first adult to see them not as children with fantasies, but as fully-fledged humans. They’re still growing up and changing, of course, but they are people, just as they are right then.

He then says to them in my favorite line of the film: “A world is defined by its leaders. And what leaders you’ll be.”

Catch me CRYIN IN THE CLUB AT 6

no the real message is give kids swords, it’ll be fine I swear (I’m lying that’s not true at all don’t give kids swords)

“OOF” MOMENT

Like I said, this movie is not, as a whole, a masterpiece by ANY means. There are some acting moments that are just…yikes.

But I mean they’re KIDS OKAY.

Still, there are some moments between Alex and Bedders when they’re talking and it’s just…they’re reading a script y’all, that’s it.

There’s also a scene early on where Alex’s mother is talking to him and they’re both in the frame but she’s not actually looking at him she’s looking just past him and I just???

Also Merlin transforms into an owl in front of the whole school to convince them to join Alex’s army and when he lands he’s all moody teenager “HOW EMBARRASSING” but like…Merlin you’ve been doing that the whole movie. Merlin you wore a too-small uniform to school to spy on Alex. Merlin you said your name was “Mertin.” MERLIN.

FAVORITE MOMENT

I’ve said a lot about this scene already and why it’s my favorite, but nothing can beat that last scene between Merlin and the kids. It’s just really heartwarming and pure.

Also, the scene where the trees are training the kids how to sword-fight? Adorable. Wonderful. 10/10 training montage.

GET IT BECAUSE HE’S A KID AND THE FINAL BATTLE IS AT SCHOOL GET IT??? GET IT???????

SHOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF TO THIS MOVIE?

Look, this movie is not perfect. I honestly had real mixed feelings about it up until the third act. And just because I like it and pulled a ton of metaphors out of it, doesn’t mean everyone will. It’s still, at the end of the day, a kid’s movie. The stakes are never that high. It’s not Lord of the Rings (although it is referenced! Twice!!), and it’s not going to win Best Picture because everyone knows that’s going to be Black Panther. Two years in a row. This year and next. Because I say so.

The thing is, if you have kids, I think they’d love it. And if you’re worried about sitting through a mindless kid’s movie with them, I can happily assure you that you will at least probably enjoy it, at least a little bit. Or if you just wanna take yourself to a fun, hope-filled movie about the power of kids and the younger generation, I think you’ll be satisfied.

It doesn’t accomplish anything great, necessarily. But I still think it’s important.

And if you’re worried that it’ll screw up the Arthurian legend (like one review I read? The person was like…real passionate about the fact that Alex was billed as being Arthur’s descendant and that’s IMPOSSIBLE based on the legend like CHILL FAM. It was marketed that way of course because it’s a character development moment for Alex and also??? It’s a kid’s movie), well I don’t really know what to tell you. Hollywood does stuff like that all the time. You’re welcome to make your own movie, though.

The point is, for me personally, I give The Kid Who Would Be King…

3.5/5 WEIRDLY GLOWING EXCALIBURS!!!

Yeah, Excalibur glows like a flashlight, idk what to tell you.

TRAILERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Definitely a different caliber of trailers from what I’ve been seeing lately! We have Dumbo to start us off which…I have such mixed feelings about??? I want to like it, and it’s Tim Burton, but ughhhhh the original is one of my least favorite movies EVER. I’ll probably still see it just to check (plus like…Colin Ferrell) but I’m remaining cautious. UglyDolls is DEFINITELY on my list, okay, this is my aesthetic. I mean…UglyDolls??? Kelly Clarkson???? JANELLE MONAE????????? I’m there. Spider-man Far From Home cracks me up because I feel like at least part of Avengers:Endgame is ruined. Like I get it, but also…we’re all going into Endgame now knowing Peter’s gonna be okay. The real question is…WILL SHURI BE OKAY???? A Dog’s Journey is the continuation of A Dog’s Purpose from a couple years ago, and yeah I love crying about reincarnated dogs, give it to me. WonderPark looks like it could be really good…oooorrrr really meh. We’ll see. I don’t really have any feelings about Dark Phoenix because I haven’t really been following the X-Men movies at all, but I might watch them to catch up. The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part is a given since the first one is one of my favorites, and I hope the sequel does it justice. I have my doubts, since we all saw Lego Batman and Ninjago (or maybe we didn’t). Finally, Breakthrough looks…interesting? I want to look up the true story it’s based on, and there’s a good chance it’ll be REAL preachy. But maybe not. Plus, Chrissy Metz!! Making us cry about something other than This is Us this time! Also, Mike Colter!! It’ll be fun to see him as someone other than Luke Cage.

And that does it for this review! If you want a decent, fun, heartfelt movie to give you some escapism and a good time, I recommend you take yourself to the movies to see The Kid Who Would Be King.